Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I agree Tinder is great. Easy to filter, can't chat unless you match so no random messages. And everyone's on it.

I had a potential I'm talking to on there ask if it was glitching for me so it seems like I wasn't the only one. Everything seems back to normal. My 50 mile radius covers part of London so I haven't run out of matches before so I thought it was a bit weird.

Okay Cupid kept matching me with men in South Wales and Ireland because I’m in Cornwall and they are 50 miles away as the crow flies 🙄.

Have a first date with new iron tonight. Really hoping he's not a creep like last one. He's an hour away so we are meeting half way

Yes definitely pro-tinder and bumble here (tho I’m childfree big city so that makes a difference).

Like pps say everyone is on them - I needed some time to mentally adjust as I was used to the older sites, then I wasn’t dating for a while.

So the fast pace and the quantity of matches is definitely a bit of a shock

(especially coming from sites where it feels like you’re “cold calling” or being “cold called” a lot so basically viewing profiles but not getting any contacts most nights).

but they do seem to work for my demographic

Equally I think it’s maybe harder to kind of settle for someone?

I think some people get used to swiping and feeling they have all sorts of “dating options” if they have a good profile (or if they’re good at ticking the first few boxes - good job or photos or height etc).

But this doesn’t mean they end up having good relationship skills or can necessarily keep the attention of and a connection to their matches.

Apps feel like the equivalent of getting checked out by people on the street or in a nightclub until a few months in.

@unambiguousbeard When I was training to swim the Solent I’d swim for hours and hours and had brilliant mental health. Realistically, I can get two swim sessions in a week so I need to start using them.
I’m not in a great place at the minute (nothing terrible) but I know swimming will really help. Especially if I set a goal

So I’ve been back on the apps today. Got 8 matches on Tinder before I got bored. I’ve messaged them all. I don’t expect any responses to be honest. Chatting to two in Hinge. One au don’t think will go anywhere and the other has moved to text and arranging a date.

I did hear from Mr T today and I ignored it.

Had a random cheeky text off my male best friend this evening. We did have a thing about 5 years ago but nothing came if it and we remained the best if friends. I’ve just replied that I don’t know how to respond to him with a winky face 🤣

Good luck @Slothmomma!

@LivingMyBestLife2020 how far is the Solent?

I have a male best friend and we're extremely close. In fact he's probably my best best friend. We had a thing but he treated me badly. I often wonder why we're not together as we fancy each other. I wouldn't be surprised if we end up together. I also wonder if that's why I'm lazy about dating. I have Mr U for sex and my friend for everything else. So I don't actually need a bf

This guy is my best best friend @unambiguousbeard. I don’t think about him like that. The fling we had came when we were swim training together 5 days a week. I was support on the boat for his Channel relay and we got really close. We decided to leave it be as didn’t want to ruin the friendship (12 years at the time, 17 now). I do find him attractive and we are flirty, it was just unexpected! I saw him Saturday and seeing him again next Saturday With our kids. I’ll see how he is with me. I don’t want to ruin a friendship.

The Solent is about 5k and like swimming in a grim washing machine 😳

So my best friend has just said he loves me. He said he’s always wondered why we didn’t make anything of our fling 5 years ago. He then said that the 8 months we spent swim training together were the best of his life and he could not have done it without me. He brought up the swim itself. He struggled a lot with the cold (always did) and between each swim we got into a sleeping bag below deck so I could warm him back up (sounds weird but it was medicinal and worked) he’s just said they were the best hugs he has ever had and he’s loved me since then. I really don’t know what to think about that at all. I agree it was a very special time in my life too, life affirming I’d go as far as to say. My head is spinning this evening. Took my mind off Mr T though 😂🤣

That FDS Handbook is solid gold.

Just chomping my way through it and suddenly have very different attitudes to men, OLD, me, recent hurts, the men I've been with since my teens.

Wow.

Particularly love this section - the men are infinite and the moment one shows he's not HV enough just get rid and move on. Don't waste enough moment on thinking about one that isn't up to scratch but find one who is.

They make it sound so easy!

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/d7xxds/cuttingmennoffannunderratedstrategy/?utmmsource=share&utmmedium=iossapp&utm_name=iossmf

@Ruralbliss I’m all over this tomorrow. I need it! Although I think I’m over Mr T after tonight. He’s text again and I’ve ignored it.

@LivingMyBestLife2020
Goodness. That's a curved ball isn't it. How amazing.

Keep us posted won't you.

@ruralbliss I found it really enlightening as to where I had been going wrong in dating. I'm going to implement some of it in my dating life but not all of it. I couldn't imagine being stuck on a dinner date with someone for a first date with no real get out as I have been there before and it was torture. I also like to do activity dates like bowling or crazy golf etc. It has taught me that it is okay to have standards and not to date someone if they don't meet them. I'm also taking on that if an iron can't be bothered to plan what you think is a proper date rather than just chilling or similar then they are probably only after sex.

I have a drinks date this weekend with a new iron who I will call Mr Dirty Dancing. He isn't my usual type looks wise but he is still attractive. Have similar interests and he said he is looking for that spark so we will see. If neither of us have that spark I might have found a friend to watch my favourite film with.

A few other irons on the cards but no other dates arranged yet

I’m becoming quite invested in you and your best friend Living! Please update in real time, I’m dying to know what happens next.
I chatted to the only guy who has replied to my messages on Hinge, he is nice and we share hobbies. Unfortunately he is really not very interesting so I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere.
I’m going to download Tinder, have a drink and see how it goes, right after I have read that Reddit link .

@Wasail that's is the right way round to do it. Not two years into Tindering like me!

@Dancerinthemoonlight yes I thought that too no way would I insist on dinner for first date. I made that mistake once and still have nightmares about it.

Love the idea of a video conference screening pre-date. I could do that. Would save me a lot of faff meeting guys I don't fancy at all in the flesh.

Also love love love that it's good to get practice at bumming off LVM and I now view the recent ghoster as one of these not someone I could still convince to 'pick me'
He was just one of billions of fellas in the world and for whatever reason didn't have it in him to be My Guy so goodbye!
Simples.

I also love the advice to not get into loads of text messages before meeting. I'm guilty of this every single time so now sitting on hands and replying to meaaages with a healthy amount of lag (as I do actually have a life outside of OLD) and then not over sharing info about me but instead doing basic screening.

I seem to have quite a few new irons.
One Mr Dub is acting the most like a HVM with well thought out original dates planned and requested. Lovely voice and cool sounding job but not my usual type looks wise and sadly doesn't play a musical instrument which is a big thing for me.

Another new iron is fairly near to me and seems nice enough on the basis of a few texts - he asked what my favourite biccie is randomly so I told him I was sadly intolerant and he said 'Ah that's a shame I was going to turn up to our first meeting with some home baked cookies for you...' which is also a refreshing change.

I just wrote a big reply and it disappeared!
Will update you in the morning but we are still chatting now, he wants us to hang out more

LivingMyBestLife gosh golly! Now that IS a turn up for the books! Can't wait to see how that one turns out (happily for all concerned, I hope).

So, I'm just back from a date, and I will give him a name- Mr First & Last- because it's obvious there's going to be another date with this one. He likes me and thinks I'm "gorgeous"! Yay! I do like him- enough for a second date- do I think HE's gorgeous? Hmm...not yet. I think he's quite nice looking, he is my physical type (again, slight and slender), so I think it could well come. It was a shock though, because he doesn't look much like his Tinder photo, so I had to get used to a whole different reality from the "him" I'd built up in my head, if that makes sense? He said he found the same.

We had a lot in common- once we'd determined we were both at Castlemorton waving our dreadlocks around it was all very convivial .

It's just...weird. I kept on getting these rushes of desolation that he wasn't Mr Sparky. Even though he's more my physical type, and in terms of job and lifestyle is probably far more what I'm looking for....I think I gave a little bit of me away to Mr Sparky and I haven't got it back yet :(

I'm nearly all the way through the posts. I'm a year single but almost 6 years mentally single due to my situation. I've lost hope for old, has anyone met just in real life situations?

Re. FDS. Ive been following it for a while. Took me a few months of still making the same mistakes in smaller ways with men to properly 'get' the message. I never had a problem with the men who were clearly into me, or not. No major issue with rejection. No major issue with knocking someone back. It was the inbetweeners, the ones where I was interested and they acted interested but certain things would make me wonder/agonise. And I stuck with it . In one case until my self esteem was pretty low. Classic Mr unavailables who nevertheless gave good form on dates/in bed. It suited me in a twisted way.

If FDS taught me anything it was that this isn't about me/you. There are a raft of men who will romance you just enough for sex and other nice benefits but have zero interest in a relationship. I even have a good male friend who i know has done this a few times. Aware the woman is interested, takes the benefits, keeps his mouth shut and let's her think what she wants. I AM on his case. I dont think women are the same, sex isn't a thing we struggle to find. A 2 minute visit to fabswingers makes that plain. A man with self awareness and a solid value system does not string a woman along for the benefits. But there are plenty I came across who will. In the end I classed it as 'emotionally rapey'. Some may be offended that I use that term. But to me this is how it felt on a couple of occasions. Anyway. Rant over

Good rant @supercali77

Lots of wisdoms in there. Thanks for sharing.

I've just matched and messaged a guy who seemed great at first then when I answered what do you do for a job he took my answer by saying 'I've always wanted to sleep with and do naughty things with a '...'

Huh? How did we go from exchanging basic factoids and possibly phone chat ahead of dinner to mentioning sleeping with and sex acts?

I'm logging that as a first red flag 🚩

So what a weird day yesterday was. Had a random text from Mr T. It was something jokey about wanting to order some muffins from me as he was running out (I bake a lot) I ignored it. He then text again last night asking how I was. Again I ignored him. I don’t feel the need to block him. He can barely say he likes me so don’t expect any love bombing. I’m out of sight out of mind so he’ll have forgot about me today.

I’ve arranged an afternoon date with Mr Replies2texts this Friday. I don’t think it will go anywhere but he’s great to chat to, funny, asks questions and seems interested in me. Looks wise he’s not my usual type but I’m more open these days, so who knows.

What are you up to today? Text just popped up from Mr T Ignored it

So onto my friend. I guess he needs a name now. Let’s call him Mr Dependable as he is exactly that. He’s seen me through and supported me through my marriage breakdown, my swimming, my awful relationship with my ex and all the toing and froing of that and also numerous hospitalisation for my illness. I do love this man. He has always had my back, no questions asked and I have had his.
He said last night that he loves me and he wishes we’d have made something out of our mini romance 5 years ago. I think at the time it was super intense with all the swim training and we were not in the real world so to speak. We were away every other weekend in Dover, off to wild swim twice a week and pool swims, saunas, massages the rest of the time. After the swims were over I think we both just thought we should go back to some kind of reality and not risk losing the friendship. I soon after then met my sons father, aka Mr Narc the ex.

Mr Dependable wants to spend more time together. I’m up for that. He’s a great guy and a real laugh. He has a daughter who is 6 so he’s suggesting a regular Saturday “date” where the kids can play and we can chat. So who knows what could happen!

@Ruralbliss it’s bloody awful isn’t it. I matched with somebody yesterday. Within 3 messages he’d asked me what car I drive. Not massively unusual I’d guess until he said he wanted to check there was enough room in the back seats... NEXT!

Livingmybestlife2020 thanks for the update. Mr Dependable is making me feel all warm and fuzzy, I hope it works out.
I have joined tinder and I’m a bit lost tbh. Over 99 “likes” overnight . I haven’t paid for it so I can’t see who these people are. I have been slowly swiping on the ones who come up on the feed and a few seem to be matches. I generally have no problem sending the first message so I just send a simple message to all the matches. So far no replies, fair enough it’s only been a few hours since I started.
Is it worth paying for? Does it work better/ smoother/easier?
What’s with all the hivis selfies?