Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LivingMyBestLife2020 he sounds lovely! Another one hoping it all works out for you both!
@Ruralbliss that would have been an instant block from me. What is wrong with these men?!
The FDS link took me off on a rabbit hole to the Solitary Beast blog, which is a misogynistic/incel/PUA mash up. A horrible read but also a good reminder of how a minority of men think, and a big incentive to me to keep those boundaries intact when I feel them wavering.
I have no irons currently - Mr Grubbles has faded boringly away and is no great loss! I've got a Fab social on Saturday and today I'm swiping right on everyone just to see what happens!

Thanks @Wasail we will see I guess. I don’t want to lose the friendship. I’m also not sure if he knows too much about me if that makes sense?! He said last night that he finds me inspirational, working, studying, bringing up my son and all with my illness (which he chose to learn a lot about in the past) Time will tell I guess.

I gave up on tinder. I got lots of matches and sent messages. Not a single reply from about 10. Seems completely pointless. Plus I keep coming up against Mr Ts profile!

Hinge is slow but working better for me. I may try another app after my date this Friday and seeingMr Dependable Saturday.

Do I make an effort for Mr Dependable? He’s dragged me out of many a lakes after long swims, seen me naked and partially naked more times than I care to remember, seen me at deaths door, shattered, comforted me through heartbreak etc... I’m saying he’s seen me at my absolute worst many times and usually gets ‘standard me’ think brush through hair, bit if mascara. I don’t want to come across as fake or trying to hard. I guess I can do casual but well groomed? God, there’s always something to think about isn’t there 🤣😂

Ruralbliss "I'm logging that as a first red flag "

I get the impression from "first" that you kept on speaking to him, why isn't it the last red flag? I am most likely just being very naive but I think if someone uses any excuse to segue into sex talk then it's clearly signalling what their main intention is.

Thanks @frocksmock, he’s giving me everything and more that Mr T couldn’t. I guess it’s kind of love bombing in a way but seeing as we’ve been good friends for 17 years it’s not quite the same!

If nothing else, it’s made me realise I do have worth and people think I’m awesome. I don’t need to cling onto somebody who can’t even tell me they like me

Yeah @StarryUnicorn I didn't chat for much longer after that and usually would have binned off immediately but not sure if I'm not in the market for some no strings attached sex right now myself so...

He offered a dinner date which I said only if he passes the video call screening.

Wasail I've never seen the point in paying to find out who likes me. I may have 99+ but that doesn't mean they aren't all 100 miles away or 50 years older than me - i figure if I like them and they are in my search parameters I will have ready swiped them

@Slothmomma how was your date?
@LivingMyBestLife2020 do you seem him in a dating/romantic light after all these years of knowing him as a close friend?

my date last night was a nice enough evening but didn't feel a spark. If he didn't live so far away I may have been tempted to test a second date but don't think I will. I thought he felt the same as no mention of second date so was relieved not to have to do the let down however hes contacted .e this morning 😖 hoping hes just being nice and doesn't want to just ghost

Have a date pencilled in for Friday evening with a new iron and chatting with a couple of others

@frocksmock Yeah, I think so. He came over for a coffee last week and I’d not seen him since before lockdown. I must admit I did fancy him and gave him a good looking over 😉. It was a hot day and he was just in shorts and T shirt. He’s been working from home in the garden so he’s very tanned and fit from running and swimming again now it’s open. He did have an interesting topknot hairstyle going on that I’m not sure about. I never fancied him when we were younger but as hes aged (he’s just turned 40) he has a definite look of an older Orlando Bloom about him!

He never really had a lot going for him in the past but since he’s had his daughter he’s bought a house and car and is much more sensible now. Only real thing that puts me off (and it’s stupid!) is he’s a lot taller than me. I’m about 5ft 3 and he’s 6ft 4. I know some women love that but I feel it may be a bit awkward?

It’s certainly something I’d go along with and see what happens.

wasail I've just read back through the posts and realised that we're neighbours! All right, you? We're defo looking at the same blokes on Tinder! I have several friends who are online dating, and we occasionally have accidental overlaps, which can be tricky to negotiate: for example, a good friend of mine was chatting away to Mr Shipwreck on Tinder, then he suddenly went quiet, and it was because he'd met me on Fab (as we pieced together subsequently).

Tinder's doing my head in, too- it seems really wasteful, and a waste of time- all these matches (and yeah, 99+ likes in 12 hours. Where WE live? Really? )and relatively few messages. I mean, I've got about 10 matches lined up at the top of my screen, and I think 2 have messaged me, and I CBA to message the rest. I think I'm going to switch back to Bumble - yes, less traffic, but if you match with and message someone I'd say there's about a 75% chance they'll get back to you.

(I do wonder if Mr First&Last is so keen because, where he lives, his 50 mile radius will mostly bring up seals and mermaids as matches. And mermaids are no end of trouble )

@supercali77 "A man with self awareness and a solid value system does not string a woman along for the benefits"

I was reading with curiosity as to what defines a HVM. That'll do it, I think.

I'm forgiving about the stringing along thing. I don't doubt for a minute that it happens a lot more to women than to men, but it happens both ways and I don't think it's always by design or intent, and we can protect ourselves from some serious damage to esteem by recognising this. So much goes unsaid in this online dating format and even if it is said in the whirlwind of the first few dates it's often idealised.

I've been approaching dates for a while with the view of having a duty of care and wanting the very best outcome (rather than date) for us both and I wonder if it makes me a dull date, this keeping it real carefully exploring thing in comparison to the sweeping off the feet thing.

Hi Crackofdoom! Yes, I can imagine we are just recycling the same guys. Are you also 40 something? I have already seen some from Hinge on Tinder. I was on Bumble but found it quite repetitive, like hinge. It seems to run out of matches then start over again on all the ones I have rejected already, like I may have changed my mind and suddenly want the guy who put in a photo of him snogging someone.
Is Mr First and Last in Penzance? Those Zennor mermaids are quite scary

Wasail Further west even than that! The name is a clue....We met in PZ last night. Which was full . I thought the holidaymakers just came in on rainy days to buy some fudge and then retreated to their holiday cottages, but maybe this meal deal thing has tempted them all to stay in for dinner.

I am indeed 40 something....

Yeah, I've got to the end of Bumble with compulsive swiping before. Maybe we just have to know our limits down here- there just aren't endless men...

@crackofdoom @Wasail I’m in the midlands so can cast my net wide (but only go for 25 miles) and can report there are slim pickings here too!

@LivingMyBestLife2020 he sounds utterly gorgeous. 6'4.

I'd love a swimmer. All my swimmy mates are large women or old or gay men. Or both! I also think spending most of my time with damp hair and goggle eyes perhaps doesn't show my best side.

Crackofdoom Truro is packed too. I wanted to take my son out tonight to help out but the only space I can find is at 5.30 in Mithian!

Just been propositioned by a guy who very quickly admitted he is married. I'm thinking my first question might just be "are you married?"

Livingmybestlife2020 at least you don't get the "just down here for a weeks holiday, how about it?" men. Or do you?

living well, seeing that Mr Sparky & Mr First&Last are both originally from the Midlands, it must be that they've all migrated down here!

No, we don’t get that thankfully!

@unambiguousbeard I’ve never seen him as gorgeous before. Through our 30s he was always just gangly and a bit awkward. Since he started swimming he’s really broaden out and got better with age.

Damn in. I’m thinking about him now...

20’s that should say, not 30s

@LivingMyBestLife2020 "I’m in the midlands so can cast my net wide (but only go for 25 miles) and can report there are slim pickings here too!"

Now I've already had to lodge an 'Oi!' on this thread, don't make me do it again ! 🙂

What happened with your thing 5 years ago ? Who called it off and why ? Honestly sounds like the bloke has proved his worth and that he values you immensely.

@HairyArsedMan Sorry! I’m Nottingham so not far if my net is cast as far as you?

No idea what happened 5 years ago. I think after the adrenaline of the swims wore off in the October, winter hit, we swam less, didn’t spend all the weekends together it just fizzled out. He has absolutely proved his worth and dedication over the years

I'm further than 25 miles away so I'll agree the pickings are slim then 🙂 Though when you think about it the pickings ought to be slim ...

ps. from a foundations first point of view, I think you ought to entertain MrDependable. He's got to be worth more of your time than some random you've 'met' on Tinder over the course of a few messages ?

@HairyArsedMan

ps. from a foundations first point of view, I think you ought to entertain MrDependable. He's got to be worth more of your time than some random you've 'met' on Tinder over the course of a few messages ?

I completely agree with you on seeing him more. I love his company at the best of times as a friend and he’s worth so much more than a stranger. He really picked me up yesterday without even realising. We are going for a picnic with the kids on Saturday. He wants to make a day of it so that’s fine with me.