Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SortingItOut I think he must be a robot. Honestly, he’s emotionless but has a very very low pain threshold. Think, it hurts him if I gently rubed my short nails up and down his arm. Very strange

@crackofdoom im dating someone without children, but I have two toddlers. He certainly has more flexibility with his time but I do sometimes think he could be out looking for someone who will give him his own children! I'm sure he does want children but I think he's not bothered enough to go out specifically to meet someone who he can have kids with. It's early days for us though. I haven't really dated anyone for 3 years since my ex, and any OLD experiences were with those with kids. This is new ground for me.

@Notcoolmum shared a recommendation of a reddit thread she thought would help me. Along with the tread they have a handbook of how to be seen as a high value woman and its all about female empowerment; for women who know what they want and who want to take control of their dating lives.
I am only on page 24 out of 211 pages and already I have realised so much about where I have been going wrong with dating and how to make small tweaks to improve.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

That sounds interesting, could you share it with us all or if not could you PM me?

@SortingItOut it is the female dating strategy board. www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/

I know it's probably not for everyone but it has helped hilight things I do that attract a lower value man. If you look around in the thread there is a handbook which goes into lots of detail of how a high value mean treats you etc. It's quite similar to rule 7 in knowing your worth and how to show it

I was exclusively men who had kids until I dated one who didn't so I then relaxed that rule.

I know it's up to me to decide my Must Haves but I can't decide whether not being a homeowner should be a No No for me.

I am and although I'm not rich I'd expect someone to have an equal standing financially I think at my age (nearly 50).

I dated a guy for 9 months who was in debt and couldn't make his salary last a month. It was in hindsight an indicator of how poor he was at setting goals and achieving them.

Like a numpty I 'loaned' him £500 for car repairs which he instantly forgot about and didn't pay me back. His disorganisation in other areas of his life drove me beserk in the end and realised he'd always be a man child.

On the other hand some people have dire circs and back stories which surely mean they are in tricky financial situations through no fault of their own etc.

I'm going to call renting not home owning an Amber Flag for me. Not an instant Bye Bye but need to dig a bit deeper as to his back story and how it came to be.

@LivingMyBestLife2020
That's rubbish when they don't fight for you even though you know you need to end it. Good for you for calling it when you did.

I like the idea of joining a gym. I might copy that idea as returning to my office next week when the schools go back and there are a couple nearby.

Thinking more about not making OLD such a big part of our lives and having good stuff to do I'm curious to know what others are doing or thinking of doing for goals.

I'm decluttering, doing up my house and garden, playing more piano, losing the extra three stone I've been carrying for about a decade and considering buying a bass guitar to learn that too.

What are others doing to have a life beyond OLD?

female dating strategy is great. Its pretty controversial in some circles. But I've followed most of their advice this time around.

@supercali77 for me it has been such an eye opener in the sort of behaviour I was letting men get away with and why relationships were never getting passed the 3 month mark.
Once I have finished reading and digesting it I am going to figure out how to adapt it into my dating life. I'm not sure if I will follow it to the letter but I definitely will be utilising some of the strategies.

@Ruralbliss "That's rubbish when they don't fight for you even though you know you need to end it"

Sometimes the way it has to go when you love someone and don't want them to feel your pain. Not saying that's the case here but we're all different with these things. Not totally fair to make assumptions, sometimes you want to go away and process the whole damn thing and not be reactive.

I've always had a life beyond OLD. Been injured recently so my sporting goals are thwarted but I've been doing up my house and garden with spare time through lockdown and furlough, doing CBT to overcome negativity, and rekindling my career as a superstar DJ.

@Ruralbliss yes keep as amber the house owning thing.

Mr Planner is renting as he's not finished the full financial split from his exW, he's still paying half the mortgage, until the settlement agreement is completed.
That's exactly what I'm doing, my settlement was only signed in June and I've just bought a house. (I move end October)
So renting is not a problem in this circumstance.

I'm more interested that's he not just paying his way... he has his son 3 nights a week.

So I'm focusing on a clear out for moving
And I've been recruited for 2 jobs, so trying to figure out what to do there.
I also go on holiday a week on Thursday

I've got a kind of FWB that's chatting today asking to see me after holiday... I said maybe.

Still haven't responded to Mr Swan, this is the longest I've ever held out

The financial thing is interesting @Ruralbliss and I've certainly been passed over for being a student and for being a self employed renter. I actually own a small commercial property, but that's not obvious when I live in a rented flat. I'm also at a stage in life when I'd have hoped to be financially secure, but divorce decimated me financially. It's hurtful to be judged on my financial status but I guess it's easier to date someone in a similar situation in terms of what we can do, places we can go etc, and I subconsciously screen out people who seem like they might be high earners I realise now.

I hear you @HairyArsedMan and I'm sure I've been one to say 'Okey dokey' when given the shite news that someone is no longer interested.
No point in losing dignity and trying to persuade someone to continue to be interested in you when they aren't

I stand corrected.

The trouble with house renovation and gardening for me is that they both make me acutely aware of how much more fun it would be doing those activities with someone, reminds me how my ex husband didn't lift a finger on this place in the 6 years we had it together and now happily renovating the gargantuan place he bought with the OW so sends me into a spiral of lonely inertia!

Off for my long awaited first date with Mr Jazz in a minute. Having discovered that we have a mutual acquaintance I've been fighting the urge to ask said mutual for intel all day.

An old iron is let wander off due to a phone date where during an hour's conversation he didn't ask me a single question about me but then referred to me as a Mystery Woman (actually an open book if you had the manners to ask) has just pinged me a message.

The too-nice people pleaser in me wants to write back and confirm I'm interested in a first date after all but maybe like @Dancerinthemoonlight I should use this opportunity to flex my Thanks but No Thanks muscles...
It feels hard!

@ruralbliss it is so hard to do the thanks but no thanks message but if you aren't interested in having a date or a second date with them then it saves a lot of time and potentially hurt feelings.

As I am learning there is nothing wrong with having standards, wanting to be treated by a man and wanting him to live up to the standards.

@Dancerinthemoonlight yeah I wouldnt be up for waiting 3 months to dtd. And I'm not interested in marriage. A lot of it is aimed at a much younger crowd and really wouldn't work for single parents or older people who've done the whole marriage/kids thing. Also. Ill be damned to wait 3 months and discover there's a sexual problem

Well, I wouldn't be put off by someone not being a home owner, because I'm not a home owner myself (council estate scum ). But yes, perhaps Mr Sparky men are put off me by that, even though I love my house and have zero intention of moving in with anyone. I would be put off by someone who was bad with money and couldn't live within their means, though.

My afternoon date was interesting....I nearly left very early because initially he talked too much, interrupted and seemed very ill at ease. We then went for a little walk though, and he blossomed a bit- relaxed, we had a laugh and connected better. By the time we had to go, we were jabbering away about ley lines and Julian Cope and agreeing to go and explore stone circles together . Plus, I fancied him- he's my physical type, not too tall, slight and willowy. Texted him a little one liner- now, will he text back like he said he would? Hmmm...

Anyway, I still have to keep up with about 4 very keen, chatty conversations with various Tinder irons, and try and organise as many of them as possible into having dates on this, my week off....

As well as doing all the other stuff! Life out of OLD? Too much of it! Kids, self employed creative job, walking, wild swimming, allotment, eco activism (an interest I had in common with Mr Sparky- waaaahhh )

Loo update from me. As suspected zero physical attraction on my part for Mr Jazz...

@unambiguousbeard really? I’d love to do it. I’ve solo swam the Solent and been support crew on my friends channel relay. We were on the boat for 20 hours and it’s was super choppy. I don’t get sea sick but I was queasy! When are you hoping to do it? Shout up if you need a team mate 😬

@Ruralbliss good idea on the gym. Swimming used go to be my quiet time. I need it back in my life. I need to get fit again and lose my extra stone. I’m working towards university again next year. I’ve had a good declutter over lockdown but I could declutter more.

Just wish I had the ability to switch off feelings when I don’t want or need them 🙄

What do I do outside OLD? Errr so much there isn't actually much time for any swiping... kids, study, allotment, swimming, walking, socialising, Reading, doing up house and garden, sewing, running, cooking, cleaning, charity shops, eBay reselling... the space I have for a man is minuscule! Oh and apparently making my way through 200 pages of a Reddit forum now.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 it sounds like actually he's a bit upset. But can't express it. Well done for ending it.

@unambiguousbeard who knows if he’s upset. He doesn’t show a single emotion. But it’s over now. Joined tinder for a look. His profile was literally the first one I saw, quickly followed by my ex. I deleted it immediately.

I have a couple of matches on Hinge. I’ve bitten the bullet and asked me for a coffee. We’ll see I guess

Asked one for coffee, not me

Any better sites for a 55 year old woman with a 10 year old son.
I’m looking for a relationship.
Thanks

Hmmm....my date from earlier has responded to my happy little text with a link to the complete works of Julian Cope. Never, never make the mistake of telling a date you're keen on hearing more of some particular music . No mention of wanting to see me again, though....

Nemmind, I've arranged a date with a rather over keen sounding hipster chap for tomorrow night.