Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Newbie here. Love this thread and all the wise women and men on it.

Was dumped a month ago after a year. Met on Tinder. Lovely lovely year and lovely lovely man, but ultimately he didn't think we were compatible. He may have had a point, but I'm still heartbroken.

So - it's too soon to get back on the horse right? I should take longer to get over this one as I will otherwise compare everyone else to him and they'll come up short? Couldn't help but have a sneaky peak on Match though - I live in the countryside and I'm 54 (but super hot!) - Jesus wept the choice out there. They can't even be bothered standing up! They just lie in bed, chins everywhere, for their profile photo. And boast about having old fashioned values and not being into drama - which I read as: "you'll cook and clean for me and not have any emotions other than adoring me".

I'm not ready, am I...?

OMG Finestwines this is EXACTLY what ii have been thinking re their profile pics "They just lie in bed, chins everywhere, for their profile photo".

I haven't even posted a pic yet because i was going to take a nice new super hot pic :-)

PS I don't think this means you are not ready, I think this means you have high standards.

Wow this thread moves fast

All well here though like everyone have practical/financial stuff to currently worry about. I don’t regret it, but think doing a lot of swiping over the summer was almost a distraction

Feeling quite tearful/depressed/anxious at times which I think dating lots was a “shield” from

but actually according to what I know now about MH, that’s actually ok - these things come in waves and all emotions are fine , the key thing is focussing on the “year long goals”, feeling my feelings but not getting overwhelmed, and keeping going.

Really looking forward to reuniting with MrCountry if that goes to plan. But him not being here means I can focus on myself. And to think I was in two minds about a second date with him

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Good to see you back, hope you have a chilled holiday!

I think on boundaries/dating, its good to remember “it’s not just you”.

In general there’s a lot of nasty men and women who are users and will mercilessly target others without their best interests at heart (and they’re often fairly active socially or on the dating scene contacting EVERYONE new as no-one normal wants them so you see more of them! ).

So please don’t think you’re doing something to attract them or it’s something about your appearance - you’re doing completely the right thing in giving people a chance, but identifying red flags/deleting/blocking as soon as you spot them.

A decent guy may have a sex drive but won’t be thinking “she’s got red lipstick/a short skirt on she must be easy” (or if he’s sexually attracted to a particular look he certainly won’t say it out loud!)

@Bunkbedpeople thank you. I am hoping for 2 weeks of sea, sand and hopefully sun. I know it's not just me who attracts the less than decent guys.
I was having a really nice chat to a potential iron last night who suddenly turned the chat really sexual saying he was imagining me being there and what I would be doing to him. I pulled him up on it by saying that there is a woman with a brain and a personality behind the looks. He responded with I know there is which is why I said I'd like to get to know you better but I'm a young horny and well hung guy with a high sex drive at the end of the day. Even if he was thinking that a decent man wouldn't have voiced it. He stopped responding when I wouldn't engage in any sexual talk.

I know it's just going to be sifting through the less than decent men to find the right one, sometimes it's draining though

@justanotherremainer

And Zozo don’t give up! Are you a single parent too?

I have an ex who takes them 2 nights a fortnight and not a sight of him in between so it’s better than having no one I guess. He is not coping with me moving on though so I fully expect that to be withdrawn any time so he can try and control me.

Remainer what is it with these blokes?!! Glad I'm not the only one suffering this though...😊

@WeWantTheFinestWines was PMSL at your post. I am 53 and I think the same. I actually wince visibly when swiping through the pics sometimes 😂. And feel offended when they message. My favourites are the ones whose photos are on their sides. Actually can’t work a camera, too lazy to click ‘rotate’ or genuinely horizontal in stance?

Yeh it’s mental isn’t it @Dancerinthemoonlight?

I think initially it’s easy to self-blame and wonder if you’re giving off the wrong signals/saying or doing something wrong.

it’s just the pushiness that’s really crass - like literally having no interest in engaging unless they can move it ASAP to sex.

I kind of wonder what it does to their self esteem as well - you know the whole “incel” culture telling young men unless (young conventionally attractive) women are literally offering themselves for/begging for sex they’re a loser or a gamma male? It’s just a strange set of values.

Presumably if you’re not a really attractive guy and you’re trying to manipulate women who don’t really want casual sex into casual sex (and feeling inferior if you don’t “succeed”) it must be very emotionally frustrating.

I think on reflection I don’t/didn’t mind so much the contacts who were very straight about “just here for a hook-up, are you DTF?”. It gives you the choice to make a clear decision and say yes or no.

It’s the ones who initially communicate normally, so you think of them as a prospect, then are clearly trying to (not so subtly) change the tone?

Like starting with agreeing to a drink at a mutually convenient location, then it becomes “where’s close to yours or mine?” then it becomes “why don’t you just come over for the first meet and I’ll cook you dinner ?” And of course then you know they won’t have any food in....

And then even if they switch back to an “outside” first meet you stop feeling comfortable about them.

@Bunkbedpeople I completely agree with you, I don't mind the ones who are straight up about what they are looking for. I have had a few say to me sorry I swiped before I read your profile and I'm looking for something casual, all the best.
It's the ones that you think are normal so you think of them as a potential but then it's that they are just after something casual.
I was talking to another last night, moved to a potential date when I get back and he said I could go over for dinner because of the new lockdown. Didn't like it when I corrected him saying that restaurants etc are still open, that you can meet people outside and I prefer more traditional dates. Didn't respond much after that.
I'm all packed for my holiday, probabaly over packed but that's just me. I still have time to put anything in my case that I think I have forgotten as I'm not going until the early hours of Saturday morning.

@WomanFromDelMonte fab is fabswingers- I don't use it for dating as such (though have made some great friends on there) but more for when an itch needs scratching

Wow, the thread move a bit fast for me!
Thanks everyone for your replies to me upthread. Everything we did felt perfectly natural, unhurried and not at all awkward at the time, we were just enjoying turning each other on and getting to know each other. It was afterwards when I was leaving that the feeling seemed to get odd, he just became more distant suddenly. I have texted him twice since and both times he has replied but not with the usual bounce.
I may have to chalk this one up to it’s not me it’s him. Shame, I was looking forward to an enjoyable physical relationship with him.

Uttersocks - or the ones where their faces are obscured by the phone or a pint! 🤣🤣

wasail Oh shit shit shit. That's such a horrible feeling :(

I must admit I snigger at the dire men "with chins everywhere" who openly state "No hook ups" on their profile. Well I guess they've got to do something to stem the deluge of propositions

@Wasail onwards and upwards if this one doesn’t work! Taking a guess at the job from the name you gave him, I do find guys in the medical field can be very initially charming/funny/intelligent/gentlemanly. And have some cracking work stories.

but also I’ve experienced there’s often a certain coldness/blaseness about dating which is a bit off-putting. I expect they’re chronically tired from the crazy work/career training so don’t really have much emotions or time to connect with people outside of work - even if they really like someone.

I don't know how to quote a post, but your 'deluge of propositions' made me LOL crackofdoom 😅

I texted him and asked what is going on. I am right, something has gone weird. I get it, I have a lot of baggage, he doesn’t. I’m 12 years older and to make things more complicated he’s from the Middle East and I’m Irish. Shame, I fancied him and he was good for my ego, for a while at least.

Sorry I have not caught up with all the latest messages. Having hell of a week with my eldest daughter's mental and physical heath...

Meanwhile on the apps I've matched and started chatting to this guy who in all but one of his pics looks relatively youthful but in the last photo, I kid you not, looks like actual Voldemort.

What do you think would be the right course of action here?
Say 'Errrr how old are your pics?' Or say nothing and if we ever meet up (unlikely as the percentage of irons I end up meeting in person is very low) wish that I hadn't bothered as pics not representative of him.

Only once in my dating history have I turned up and the guy was about a decade older than his photos.

@Ruralbliss what’s the Style of clothing/hair/photo quality in first ones? Does he look younger/older than the age he says he is?

It’s your call really - maybe you could compromise if you do meet and not go out of your way too much - just do a quick meet you can get away from easily?

I don’t think there’s any 100% foolproof way to screen for fantasists - I don’t feel comfortable asking for extra “evidence” and would be livid if someone asked to trawl through extra photos or my social media. I guess sometimes you just need to make a judgement and take a hit/chance if necessary?

Maybe you could talk on the phone and ask directly in a casual way, as if you haven’t read his profile?

Often someone will admit to just adjusting to get into a different search bracket but own up directly.

I actually found a glut of lying age people on pof last year - nine to ten years, and they often had given themselves a few promotions in their job role

Tinder hasn’t been so bad this summer. That said, I did have one bloke I was “suspicious” over - I was a bit tired but he was 39 with a long paper round

and let’s not forget the bloke who forgot what uni he went to and almost shagged the model Gisele.

Arrrr. Just got dumped. Was expecting it but still.....

@Wasail @WomanFromDelMonte
Sorry to hear things have ended for both of you.

Remember you are the prize and deserve more

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I am officially on a dating break for at least the next two weeks and maybe a little longer. Hopefully a change of scenery will help me relax, stop overthinking and sort out how to tackle dating again.

I had a few dates last week. One with a clear love bomber who got annoyed when I wouldn't have sex with him after the second date and called me a baby as he was 8 years older. The date last Thursday went no where as he just moaned the whole time and then was rude about my wrist scars.

I seem to be back to attracting mainly fuck boys and men who just want something casual despite my altered profile. I was offered £1100 per week to be a man's sugar baby yesterday, of course I told him no thank you but I can't lie and say the money wasnt tempting.

I'm going to take the next few weeks or longer to try and work out why men just see me as sex and not relationship potential. They seem to see the looks but not the woman, brain or personality behind the looks.

Dancer, just wondered about your photos if you're online dating and if they are they quite sexy ones? I find that anything revealing in photos attracts the creeps and sex mad guys online.

@SortingItOut Thanks. Shame as there was a lot of mutual attraction but it seems he wasn't in the right frame of mind. Crossing separated but not divorced off the list.

[quote WomanFromDelMonte]@SortingItOut Thanks. Shame as there was a lot of mutual attraction but it seems he wasn't in the right frame of mind. Crossing separated but not divorced off the list.[/quote]
I no longer date “separated”, I seem to attract the ones that are still attached to their ex or are still getting over the fact their wife left them, ideally I only date those who have been divorced a while. Hope you are ok xxx

I'm separated (18 months, absolutely no chance of reconciling) but not divorced yet. I wouldn't date anyone less than 6 months out of a long term relationship and I'm not even sure I'm looking for a 'serious thing', just something which can be sustained longer than a month or so! Its tiring constantly meeting new people and, tbh, gets a bit boring after a while. I currently have 3 irons. One I've known a year but met once as we don't live close and he is not interested in an exclusive relationship. Another who again doesn't live close and I've seen 3 times since the beginning of August - not quite sure what our status is. Seeing him tonight and feels like we should have a chat about it. Make sure we're on the same page before I meet iron 3. I kind of feel guilty for having arranged another date but despite having dtd (no regrets, was definitely not taken advantage of in anyway) don't feel that we are anything other than casually dating right now. If i like iron no 3, that will be the decision point I guess.

Multidating is complicated but the attrition rate is so high, its the only way. Particularly if you only have every other weekend to play with/in!

I'm separated, we are waiting until next June for a quick cheap divorce.

I won't ever go back