Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SortingItOut that's a very good point of our sharing information, I'm guilty for that. I've been far too open, not anymore!

@unambiguousbeard I thought your message was funny but then I thought his response was lighthearted too. I think I just have a very wiseass manner from years of working in the media - also my colleagues are frankly terrifying as people who have overhead me on Zoom calls will testify, so am quite robust in that sense (though an emotional puddle about other things). Am now worried how many men I have scared off with what I assume to be casual wisecracks and may actually be grevious insults!

@Eesha I agree with the other posters. He is not in a position to comment as he is not living your life. I pull away from people who give me unwanted advice, but also it sounds genuinely like he is concerned about you and coming from a good place so maybe just find a way to put him straight in a nice way. Although I (very) did briefly see someone with Aspergers and found it hard to have two way communication.

@Rainydayss My views on baggage are that it doesn't get better. I am a rescuer so despite saying I want a man with no baggage, when I meet one I immediately fly into rescue mode. I think it makes me fall for them more, as I am a fixer. It doesn't end well. Mr Beard had more baggage than Heathrow, and also slated his ex wife and totally lied about his part in their marriage collapse which was HUGE. Whereas Mr Bike is lovely and zero baggage and I don't know what to do with him. I can't take my own advice! But @SortingItOut is very wise and what she says is spot on.

I have quite a full weekend of dating lined up. Am running out of steam with it a bit now. I think after this weekend I need to make some better decisions and stop saying yes to everything!

@UtterSocks I'm a rescuer too, Recently had counselling and learnt so much about boundaries, its almost common sense but clearly I took no notice previously!
Great book by Adelyn birch about boundaries, it resonated with me so much

I am officially on a dating break for at least the next two weeks and maybe a little longer. Hopefully a change of scenery will help me relax, stop overthinking and sort out how to tackle dating again.

I had a few dates last week. One with a clear love bomber who got annoyed when I wouldn't have sex with him after the second date and called me a baby as he was 8 years older. The date last Thursday went no where as he just moaned the whole time and then was rude about my wrist scars.

I seem to be back to attracting mainly fuck boys and men who just want something casual despite my altered profile. I was offered £1100 per week to be a man's sugar baby yesterday, of course I told him no thank you but I can't lie and say the money wasnt tempting.

I'm going to take the next few weeks or longer to try and work out why men just see me as sex and not relationship potential. They seem to see the looks but not the woman, brain or personality behind the looks.

Thanks all.

@Rainydayss This is what everyone should imagine when given the evil ex turning the kids against them spiel. m.youtube.com/watch?v=RkuWrmxN7hg

@Dancerinthemoonlight I have that too now. I didn't at first but since Mr Beard I have met a lot of sex maniacs and I think it is because I am looking for a quick fix and don't have a lot of patience with slow chats. As in I am picking the fuck boys subconsciously rather than them singling me out IYSWIM. The ones I like are intense sorts, and they seem to have a different dynamic.

The bloke who commented on your wrist scars sounds and utter arse though. (And £1100 per week! Wow. Though seems an oddly specific amount - like not £1000 or £1500. I wonder how he arrived at the budget?)

Good on you for taking a break. I feel I should too but am still restless and on a post-lockdown rampage! I think if/when the current lot of irons go to the wall a break is in order though.

@Rainydayss what is the name of that book please? I probably (definitely) need it. Though I have also started counselling. I'm all sorts of insane after my shitshow of a marriage!

Its just called 'boundaries', its not a big book but I found it really useful plus counselling after my marriage. It's help me feel I'm now in a place to start dating and having my tolerances and boundaries. Plus being aware that you are a rescuer is half the battle - I had no clue before !

@UtterSocks I'm going down to Cornwall for 2 weeks so there isn't any point in being on the apps in that time but I will probably continue the break. My chats seem to start off normal enough but then just get really sexual. I'm not in any hurry to meet someone so it's not a huge loss or issue taking some time out.
I wonder how he arrived at the allowance amount aswell. I worked it out to be a post tax income of £52,800 per year, while I would love to have that money I didn't believe he would actually pay it and I'm not having sex with a man just for money.
The man who told me I was a child was clearly not over his ex as he was bad mouthing her and was just looking for anyone to fill the void. In 72 hours he had asked me to go away with him for the weekend and got really stroppy when I said no it's too soon. Then he asked me to marry him and told me he loved me. Then had an ago trip and told me he didn't want to baby sit and wouldn't see me again because I didn't have sex with him. I had already decided I wouldn't see him again because of the love bombing.
I'm used to comments on my scars now, I don't draw attention to them but I also don't hide them. They are part of my journey through life and the operations I have had.

And today's theme looks like...autism!

unambiguousbeard I seem to recall you said you were on the spectrum, too? I try to head off any queries about communication difficulties by mentioning that I'm autistic ASAP. Of course, then what inevitably happens is that you realise that most people nowadays STILL don't realise what HFA looks like, or how it presents in women, so you get a lot of "Well, you don't seem autistic to me!" . But at least I've tried....

eesha you may find that you need to spell things out very clearly with your new man. "Two months is too early to be commenting on my arrangements with my ex. This is a very difficult and sensitive situation, which I'm trying to negotiate as best I can. Things may change in future, but this is not a quick fix". That said, the fact that you say you maintain these arrangements out of fear of your ex is pretty worrying.

wasail great update, but surely if he was such a gentleman he'd have performed oral sex on YOU first?!

Now, time for rant of the day: Ex was sent home from work with "mild Covid" symptoms yesterday. Test arriving today. Which means that by the time the test comes back, even if it's negative, that means my weekend is fucked, as it will be too late for him to have the kids. (I had arranged to go away with Mr BigCityBoy, after all).

I am so fucking sick of having tiny scraps of time to conduct my dating life in! Every other weekend and that's it! Sick of having to juggle my time off with my dates' time off, so maybe getting to see people once a fortnight, while ex has 11 days a fortnight to do whatever the fuck he wants in. No wonder he found someone else so quickly! This, I think, is the main driver of me wanting a Proper Relationship rather than a FWB etc etc.....Because I need someone who is permanent enough to meet my kids, so able to come over when they're here.

(before anybody thinks I'm a Heartless Caaah, perhaps I should point out that I left my ex because he was abusive, so struggle to care whether he's genuinely ill)

@Eesha I am exactly the same re ex. He can get angry really quickly and I guess I am still a little scared of him so I tend to do as he requests for a quiet life and to make it easier for the kids. Friends tell me I need to stand up to him more, but they don’t live my life and for me this is the way it works best.
My DP doesn’t have children and doesn’t like that my ex seems to dictate what happens and doesn’t like the way he treats me, but he also knows that I do what I do for the sake of the children. I totally understand how hard it must be for him but he is really supportive and is helping me stand up to ex a little more. It’s a slow process but it does get better over time. My ex is also the same as yours re girlfriends. When he has one things are definitely a lot smoother and easier. Trouble is he doesn’t manage to hold onto them for long!

@Savoretti we have the same ex! In a weird way, it's comfort to know I'm not alone. I will be looking at fixing some more boundaries but need to work out how to do this more subtly without my ex thinking I'm trying to control him.

Yes, 2 months is soon but I genuinely feel this is a good person for me and I want to make it work as much as I can. However I feel more that he needs reassurance more than anything (might be an Aspergers thing) and I'm feeling more that if he has too many reservations, then we really aren't suited. We do have wonderful times together so I'm hoping that is the real deal.

@Notcoolmum yes 2 months is soon but I guess i really like him. But I'm just going to enjoy the time and see whether we are compatible longer term.

I think it should be less worrying about if he will walk away a and more about whether he's a good fit for you at this stage @Eesha Plus dates should be more about having fun than discussing your ex and childcare. I appreciate your ex totally blindsided you on a date but I assume you have learnt from that and will block him/mute him etc so he can't do that again. If he is the right one for you there will be plenty of time to bring your ex issues and childcare etc into the mix. Enjoy getting to know each other outside of all do that.

howdy all. Just checking in.
How is everybody?

I haven't posted since my date with MrYoung (I think that's what I named him!) a few weeks ago. It went great in terms of conversation flowing and it went so well we spent the night together it was fun, but that's all, it doesn't have legs.

I've been on a couple more dates since with other irons. My latest yesterday which was just a coffee and seemed to go well. However, I got home to a 'no spark' message from him. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite average in most aspects but it's the first time I've had a rejection after a date! It stung a little but he was very kind and polite.
Back to Tinder and Fab it is!

@Nomoreweepingandwanking
I haven't seen your name in ages, how is everything with you?
I'm taking a break from dating for the next few weeks and perhaps longer. Still single and working on better boundaries

What is Fab?

@crackofdoom I feel the same about the tiny window for dating and it being at the behest of an ex who is only seeing the kids every other weekend. My ex is struggling with his mental health and is talking about moving in with his parents for a while. If he does he cannot take kids there overnight which means I can’t go anywhere! I would be more sympathetic if I didn’t think it was a deliberate act to stop me dating. His mental health issues only appeared when he realised I was dating

I’m a single parent, so I feel ya on the no time for dating. The most I will be able to do, until I get to the point of wanting to intro a man to DD, is daytime dates, evenings when I can get a sitter, and VERY occasional overnights. Anybody else in this position? Is there any point?

All I hear you re the exes. Although we have 50/50 custody he does still try to make my life difficult. He doesn't 'know' I'm dating but obviously thinks it and often makes arsey comments.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with life.

I went away to Portugal for a few days with my best friend. I felt great there, free, attractive and powerful, totally in control of me. I was told I was beautiful a few times and kissed one bloke after we bumped into him and his mates second evening in a row. He was a little too obsessed with me and I realised I kissed him for power so sent him on his way.

My best friend is so loved up and she talked of him constantly and video called him a few times every day which was hard.

The ex was arsey about my holiday too.

I heard from Mr Planner on Saturday when I was laying in the sun asking if I made it on holiday, then again on Monday asking if I was in quarantine. It's just light chat, but I thought it was a sign he does like me and maybe the not ready thing was the truth. I sent a light message last night he answered but he didn't answer my further reply. It's making me sad, I really like him and I just don't understand what the problem is. So I've archived the chat. No use still thinking it's going anywhere. He's still matched to me on tinder and I updated a load of pictures from holiday. His loss, in the prize.

I'm trying to hold Mr Swan at arms length to protect myself.

I got news about my new house, I move 7 weeks today, so that is overwhelming me a little, just the thought of everything to do. Well as I'm on lockdown (thanks Nicola S) I May as well get on with the decluttering). I think the thought of having my own owned place is awesome and exciting but it's me on my own responsible! I was very sensible with the mortgage size I took.

I have so much work to do and just can't get motivated. I barely know where to start.

My eldest (20) has a disability she has decided to live at the family home with my ex but our relationship is getting better (hasn't been great) but we had a frank talk this morning and she's upset about pain but for the first time listened to me today about doing step one, get her nutrition sorted. Her BMI is now 17.5 and she doesn't eat. She has texture aversions and throws up a lot. I think it's mental but I have no idea what the trigger was (she used to eat everything). I think she needs to see a nutritionist. I think she put on weight she's feel stronger and then be able to do more stuff.

To add to this I keep feeling a strange lightheadedness ... like jet lag. I put it down to tiredness as I really don't sleep, but it's been off and on for weeks now.

I just want affection, I want someone to hold my hand and kiss me and watch tv with me and just help me take time out from the world.

Talking to a couple of irons, been very clear I don't want hookups very early on. I can't do that just now.

I do have a FWB that was an old old iron and I know he'll make me feel better so I might invite him over the weekend after next to just have time out without the hassle of navigating something new.

@justanotherremainer I’m beginning to wonder! I see a lot of the posters here having daytime dates so if that’s an option so go for it - I can’t do daytime as work full time - also I don’t date too locally so am usually meeting irons 30 mins to an hour away so evenings can be problematic...aarggh I should give it up

Zozo I am lucky in that I’m self employed and work from home, so do have flexibility to do daytime dates. Might be a good way to keep it lighter too, I’m totally out of practice! Been separated for 3 years, no sex for 2, was with my very abusive ex for 8 years before that. So all sorts of internal alarm bells going off all the time. But I feel the need to get out there and start meeting people again. This thread is great, is making it feel normal!

And Zozo don’t give up! Are you a single parent too?

Just got home after spending the day with FWB, totally exhausted but now have to catch up with work. Have to say today was much better than the first time we DTD , just a little bit worried that it may end uk being a little bit more than FWB though I feel really relaxed around him which I haven’t felt with anyone else for a long time, oh and he’s got the same stamina as me in the bedroom 😋

Cravingthelook ,I couldn't read and not reply. Hoping everything sorts out for you and just to say be kind to yourself.
I have son full time now ( his dad picks him up for a walk on a Sunday but only for an hour or two) so looking for someone who can meet school hours! I know,its going to take a miracle 🤷‍♀️ I suppose if someone works nights they would sleep in the day so that wouldn't work.
Mr Portugal wants a second date but works 9 to 5 and i know this is normal but I am more free in the day,where I have free time around my housekeeping work. Ideally I'd meet someone,spend lots of days together then after a while if it's got legs he can come over for an evening . Its tricky.