Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

unambiguousbeard I'm afraid I would take that message of yours the wrong way, too. It does sound arsey.

Communication via written message is so bloody fraught with pitfalls, though...I just knocked it on the head with Mr First&Last because he was sending texts that seemed a bit arsey- looking back over our convos, it's easy to see that some of the things I wrote could easily have been taken as arsey, too!For example, we got into a massive discussion about comics, and he couldn't believe I'd actually heard of 2000AD , so was asking me questions about one of the characters, and I said "Will you stop fucking testing me!". Now, said in conversation, it would have been easy to perceive that that was said laughingly, but I do realise that it could have come across as EXTREMELY arsey indeed!

(if this was the only uncomfortable note in our text/ real life convos I would have seen him again, but the whole tone of many of our convos was "off", so sayonara).

Well toilet update as is traditional. He's very sweet. Seems you get than 40. Way too sweet for arsey old me. Not sure how to extricate myself. He's done a three hour round trip. And is quite nervous.

Just hopping on to say CONGRATULATIONS woomawang love from coco of old threads xx

Third date with Mr M (in light of there being another Mr M on the thread I’ll update his name to Mr Medic). Last date got steamy but no sex on my insistence. I just need a bit of time to get to know a guy before I can sleep with them. He has been a complete gentleman in every respect so, um, tonight I gave him a blow job, is that going to be the end of a very short relationship?
In my defence I haven’t had sex for over a year having just got out of a 12 year marriage with a man who had erectile dysfunction and disliked blow jobs. I’m just not sure what’s normal anymore.
Mr Medic did seem to really enjoy his BJ and doesn’t have even a hint of ED .

@supercali77.

You said you listened to a podcast re people who are starved of intimacy falling really hard for the first person that shows them any, do you remember which podcast?

I'm a newbie please be gentle! Separated for 3 years from an abusive husband. 1 DD 7. Tentatively looking at some dating action but have just looked at the Telegraph site and am horrified! Not ready to date a 70 year old (i'm 42). I should have avoided the Telegraph lol, I know. Also i'm not a Tory. Any ideas for good sites to look at? I'm in Scotland.

@RedIsWhereItsAt not the exact name but it was one of the 'baggage reclaim' podcasts

Thank you @supercali77.

@SortingItOut delayed response here. Ex sees the kids for a few hours after work one day a week with me present. Current bf feels we are very close and that I'm too nice despite ex having been abusive whilst drunk etc and I'd say worried about how he himself would fit into things. I guess he wants me to set more boundaries whereas I've just been super flexible with my ex in the past, almost taking the breadcrumbs he offers when wanting to see the kids. Bf is used to his friends being much more structured with childcare arrangements and having nil contact otherwise. It's not something he goes on about at all but clearly it's something he's concerned about when considering embarking on something more long term with me. There is some truth in me still being scared of my ex at times, trying to keep the peace and actually I think that is something that new bf is aware of and doesn't like. I'm trying hard to stay strong and positive whilst juggling all these variables but I feel worn down at times.

Welcome @justanotherremainer. I’m pretty new to this too. I use tinder, which is working for me at the moment. It’s very quick to set up a profile, you only hear from people you’ve already ‘liked’ and there’s no option to send photos (no dick pics!) I’ve not used the others though so can’t compare it.

I’ve got a third with Mr Steps tonight. He’s still being very intense, talking about the future etc, and I’m aware that he might be on a different page to me long term, but I think I’ve succeeded at slowing my brain and imagination down and focusing on the ‘now’. I do want sex though Date 3. It’s on the cards, right?

@Eesha does your bf have kids? I find this makes a difference to attitudes on parenting arrangements. Do you feel there's any truth to what hes saying, e.g. do you think you're too involved with piloting contact? If you did change it to say, a contact mediator, is your ex liable to create a problem?

@Wasail
As long as you wanted to give him a blow job its fine but you then go on to mention your ex and him not liking blow jobs - did you want to do it or think you had to prove yourself?

And if he finishes things then its his issue and not yours.

Personally i only wanted casual sex with people so i had sex on the first meeting, others dont.
Same as if you're looking for a relationship, some have sexual contact from the start and others dont.

All i would say is that its give and take, ideally he will be receptive back, if not its selfish.

@Eesha
1 day a week for a few hours is hardly taking up loads of time.
Is this a set day or at the whim of your ex?

What your boyfriend has to understand is that your ex is not like his friends, i bet they are not abusive alcoholics so what works for them wont work for you.

He clearly has a very black and white view of your ex whereas us women put aside our feelings on our ex's for our kids sakes and get on with things. It doesnt mean we forgive them or like them, just that we can compartmentalise.

If your ex rings up while drunk and is abusive what do you do? Hang up or listen?

Is this where your boyfriend thinks you need boundaries?
If not, where are they needed?

Wasail I agree with sortingitout ,there are no rules, I have slept with people on a first date and gone on to have a relationship with them, have also waited until date 3/4 only to be dumped straight after. Just do what you feel comfortable doing but have a thick skin as some men do just enjoy the chase and then vanish once they have DTD.

I’m spending the morning with FWB, there has been a lot of sexting so I’m hoping it’s not disappointing 🤣, I have to drive quite far to see him So I don’t want to be left frustrated.

Mr Ski messaged me thanking me for yesterday 🤔, I did send him a message back saying “it could have been more fun if you were not in such a hurry to leave”, he is implying he wants another date. He confuses me because he makes a few small innuendos via text but when I see him he’s not that keen on even kissing. I’m disappointed about yesterday as I was hoping for a bit of excitement but it’s was pretty boring, like having lunch with a friend that you see once a year because you feel you have to keep in contact.

@Lovemusic33, even if time was tight for Mr Ski yesterday he could have shown his interest or desire for something/you. Hinting at another date seems like keeping his options open. I'd concentrate on enjoying your meet up today.

So my date was in fact over sensitive. He kept getting a bit prickly. I feel a lot better for that. My ex used to tell me (still does) that I don't know how to talk to people, my jokes aren't funny or are inappropriate, that I've said the wrong thing. It took a while to get over that.
Date was very sweet but also wouldn't take my hints or reasons for leaving. I messaged when I got home to say I thought the age difference was too big and he replied that he likes me as I am. So, yeah. Not listening at all. So back to swiping.
I'd just like to fancy someone!

Love reading the updates, I need a good catch up with the thread as I'm behind...
What are your views on baggage? I appreciate we all have some, however how do you know if what they say is genuine? One man I spoke to sounded very nice then went on to tell explain that he is having a bitter divorce and his ex has turned the kids against him so he doesn't see them., however that's his side of the story.

I feel like I want to interview their ex wife for their views before I agree to a date .
Dating in your 40s is so different to your 20s and Id never thought about the different dynamics or considerations you have to make.

@supercali77 bf hasn't got kids and really wants them. @SortingItOut ex tends to see kids when it suits, so if working in the office, he combines it with seeing us. He would never see them on the weekend unless I made the long trip to take them there and bring them. He seems to be more proactive when he has a girlfriend. If drunk, I avoid calls but recently we were on a date and I got a huge load of messages asking where the kids were, why couldn't he have them etc etc. I cried and my bf consoled me but he said later he struggles to see me hurt like that hence his concerns about us. Whereas I know ex was drunk and really I should have switched my phone off for the weekend.

@Wasail I'm not sure of the distinction between wanting to wait until you have sex and being happy to give a BJ. Personally I'd rather have sex first and it be a more mutual exchange. Were you doing it for you or for him? What has the chat been like since?

@Eesha at 2 months in you are just dating. He isn't Your partner and your childcare arrangements are none of his business. If things do need to change with your ex I would take advice from a trusted friend or family member. Not a relative stranger. He doesn't have kids so his understanding is going to be very limited. I found myself meddling in Mr B'a arrangements then had a word with myself. It's not my business and I feel happier now I'm not feeling annoyed he didn't do things my way.

@Eesha, none of us know the dynamics of your relationship with your new man but I think it's down to you to keep your ex and your DC out of this scenario until you are in a far more secure place with the relationship. If things are too complicated too soon it could stifle and cloud things with your new man. His comments and opinions could be taken one of two ways- hopefully he's looking out for you but equally they could be signs of control. My last DP often fronted his words as concern for me but in reality he was someone highly opinionated who liked his own way.

@Rainydayss
I think its a huge red flag when a guy mentions bitter divorce/crazy ex/no contact with kids

Plus if you are just at the chatting stage why is he disclosing all this to a relative stranger?
We dont go to shops and tell the cashier that.

I think everyone comes with baggage but its how they deal with that.
Clearly he is very angry about it all.

There are ways and means oc getting access to his kids but easy to blame the ex!!!

Mr K's ex and mother of his son cheated on him and he doesnt slate her at all, they are very amicable and he always says what a good mother she is even though she hurt him by cheating.

My ex is a bloody nightmare now and during our marriage but i never slated him to men i met, i just said we co-parent and are amicable (even when we werent!!). Its no ones business how me and my ex get on.

@Notcoolmum tbh friends and family have said similar but I just figured this was the path of least resistance. However when bf said it, I thought I could lose him. I think for him, he is thinking through every eventuality before seeing us as more serious/long term. He has Aspergers so not sure if that makes a difference.

@Eesha
My ex did the same, threatened to kill himself while i was out for a meal with Mr K, i was reaching the end of my tether with his behaviour so told him to ring Samaritans and then put his texts on no notification and ignored him for the rest of the evening.

I left it like that even when things improved between us.

Could you either put his texts/messages on no notifications and just check when you have the brain space so maybe once a day?

I can see your boyfriend would be annoyed but then trying to dictate ex's access is not on.
You need to decide on boundaries and not be swayed by him.

I think the ex having contact with the children when in the office sounds ideal for everyone. How many days/weeks notice do you get?

I agree with others @eesha, while there may be something for you to decide on going forward re: access and ways of dealing with the ex that make life easier....its your choice, when you're good and ready. Being worried about losing someone isn't a good reason to change existing schedules that (for now) work. Him not having kids will mean he doesnt understand how delicate it can be with a problematic ex. Also the aspergers may complicate his ability to see how grey areas are sometimes the only sane option

Should you be worrying about 'losing' someone after a couple of months @Eesha ? You are just getting to know each and finding out if you are compatible. I find it hard not to have an opinion. So stepping back was difficult for me. But I feel much better after doing it. Maybe you can say to him that you appreciate his support but at this stage the contact arrangements work for you and you'd prefer not to discuss it with him at this early stage.

I would def take steps to block contact from the ex over weekends though. For your own mental wellbeing.