Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

A bit of advice required here without me posted a brand new thread. I've been seeing my iron for 2 months now and blissfully happy but he's been mentioning some reservations he's been having such as being hugely hurt by a previous LTR and also my situation with my ex. My ex and I get on despite him having been abusive in the past. We have toddlers and I manage the situation about visits carefully so he sees them at my home or I meet him somewhere local. He is a functioning alcoholic so I don't let him have them overnight. We get on I would say though I've had some ranty drunken calls which have upset me. New partner feels there is too much of a close family unit there, that ex is a bad person and I should formalize access more. He feels I bend over backwards for ex and says I should be aware how a new person in my life would have reservations about getting in deep with me. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place as I really care for new person even though it's early days yet I don't want to lose him/anyone by my situation with my ex.

Eesha the new partner has no right to comment on what works for you and your child. At 2 months he sounds controlling....do NOT stop what works for your child and his Dad due to some jealousy from someone you have known 2 months.

@Pinotgrigio33 thank you. I actually don't believe he's controlling but he's asked me how I see a long term relationship looking between us with this current situation. I think he's very black and white with these types of things and has heard about my past and can't see how I'm still being nice to my ex though he says he understands. He says he feels like my ex is trying to control me.

Does he have kids eesha...?

@Pinotgrigio33 no kids

@Eesha have to say I agree with pinot, its not his position to comment on it. Sure, he can say 'this doesnt work for me' but then it's on him to decide if he is happy to continue with you or not...on that basis. Or if you yourself weren't too happy with your set up and so decided now was a good time to formalise things then fair enough. But for you, right now, this functions. In what practical way does your arrangement with your ex impact on him? Is it because your ex doesn't have the kids overnight and therefore evenings together are an issue? Again he has a right to say...not being able to spend the evening doesnt really work for me....but making that an issue of contact is not his job. You say he's not controlling but what he is doing is erroneously assigning an issue he has with the situation into an issue you should solve by doing x or y. Rather than having a convo where you both discuss it. Ultimately contact with kids in such a situation is understandably a delicate balancing act and only yours to decide on.....

@supercali77 hes saying he's not sure how it would work long term, as in where would he fit. He also has parents in an abusive relationship so I think this clouds his view. I've just told him things and he feels it's a lot like his parents and he says hes angry on my behalf and says my ex is controlling me. I've been told this by friends too but I guess I'm scared too, of causing friction and getting my ex angry.

@Eesha I think what supercali and pinot said makes sense, but I also think he's probably just phrasing it wrongly. I'd be wary of someone saying what I should do about contact with my DC, but feel like anyone should be able to say what works for them.

I'm in a similar position (older DC) and a ex who doesn't see them that much and when he does the DC pretty much always call asking to come home. My BF will comment on that sometimes, but often just to remind me that particular DC almost always call at specific points in the weekend, and that they are fine. But I think it also does annoy him that they impinge on our time together. And my relationship with my ex does rather dictate that we don't have much of a future because I couldn't let anyone meet my DC without huge and unpleasant repercussions.

It's tough when your ex still has so much control over your life.

@Eesha is a contact center or a grandparent an option to supervise your ex with the DC?

@JaggySplinter yes, it's only come up a couple of times really. I just want everything very calm and chilled and my ex can be fiery so I feel I need to accommodate it. The reality is he wouldn't want them for longer than a few hours unless he has a gf to help him. I also think it frustrates new partner as he feels ex dictates things a lot.

I have a date with Mr Ski today, haven’t seen him for 6 months so it’s going to be a bit weird. Feeling quite relaxed about it as it will be more catching up as friends as I have no plans on a relationship with him (we don’t have that much in common and he’s a bit too old for me). Only thing I’m feeling a bit odd about is I’m meant to be meeting FWB tomorrow and I think FWB wants to be more than a FWB so I kind of feel like I’m cheating a little today. I have been open with FWB in the past and told him I’m not looking for anything serious but I think he has ignored that. What happens if Mr Ski is expecting sex today? Is it possible to have more than one FWB? 🤣, I’m useless at this multi dating thing, I feel like I’m cheating on everyone even though I’m not technically in a relationship.

With all what’s going on with covid a part of me wants to have as much sex as I can before we are told not to go out or before kids are back at home.

Right, need to get dressed and tidy the house a little before Mr ski gets here, he’s coming over at 11am and taking me out for lunch so I have to entertain him for a hour or so before lunch 🤔.

@Lovemusic33
Of course its possible to have more than 1 FWB as long as everyone involved knows you are not exclusive.

Blimey, at points last year i had 4 or 5 FWB, some i saw weekly and some i saw less frequently.

Get the sex while you can

@Eesha
I also think its nothing to do with your boyfriend what happens with contact and how you manage your ex.

Your children are so small still so it stands to reason that contact is limited and involves you, as they get older and can verbalise better and eventually fend for themselves in terms of asking for drinks and food presumably it will change.

Could you tell us more about how you have set contact up and how often it happens?

Are there any other options for someone else to be there on visits?

At the end of the day you are trying to facilitate your children having a relationship with their Dad no matter what he did to you and that makes you a selfless person.

[quote SortingItOut]@Lovemusic33
Of course its possible to have more than 1 FWB as long as everyone involved knows you are not exclusive.

Blimey, at points last year i had 4 or 5 FWB, some i saw weekly and some i saw less frequently.

Get the sex while you can[/quote]
Thank you 🤣, I feel much better now, have told FWB that I might not be available tomorrow due to work (kind of true), I think it would be wrong to DTD 2 days in a row with 2 different people, though I have kept it as a “maybe” incase nothing happens with Mr Ski today, he’s a bit of a gentleman and I don’t know if he will make a move, we have seen each other a few times and have only had a kiss.

@Lovemusic33
Personally i was fine with DTD 2 days in a row with different people but then i was on my sexual revolution so got as much as i could

Whatever suits you and you're happy with is fine.

Hope your meet up with Mr Ski goes well

@SortingItOut and @Lovemusic33
During my post marriage/making hay phase I accidentally had sex with two men on the same day. I did at least have a shower in between. 😳 I don't admit that very often. I guess my payback is only having had sex with one person in over 18 months.

I'm really looking forward to my date later. First one in ages that i feel might have potential. Although he is er 12 years younger so may not have longevity.

@unambiguousbeard
Same

Enjoy your date

@SortingItOut 😬😳🤪

Hello everyone. I hope the world of OLD is not too hideous in these weird Covid times (what am I
Saying? Of course it is!)

I thought I’d update for those who’re still around and remember me. For those who don’t, I did OLD, despaired and was going to give up when I met MrSG (slightly ginger) on tinder.

Anyway, the baby is here. He’s 5 weeks old and just lovely. MrSG is being very irritating but I might be a bit sleep deprived and liable to be irritated by anything. 😂

We didn’t get married in May because no one was allowed to get married. The venue let us postpone to May 2021. But we’ve organised to elope next month to do the legal bit. We’ll still have the ‘wedding’ to celebrate with people (and presumably a ceremony that isn’t just the bare legal minimum - all that’s allowed apparently - with us wearing masks).

MrSG is a bit worried that people will be annoyed that it’s not a real wedding next year. But I think everyone realises that Covid has messed everything up and will be quite happy to celebrate with us in a (hopefully) vaguely normal manner next year.

My situation may not be what everyone is hoping to find through OLD. But hopefully it’s some indication that it can be worth it (even if it very often does not feel like it).

Congratulations @WooMaWang - warm fuzzy feelings all round (apart from the sleep deprivation). Glad you and the WooMaBaby are well

Coffee date this morning

I like this guy. A lot. Gorgeous but so so much more than that. We had coffee for almost two hours and then he walked me to station. He’s kind, funny, considerate. Oh I really liked him. Do I message first? Only left him two hours ago!

@WooMaWang Huge congratulations to you and Mr SG 💖. Welcome to the world little WooMaBaby 👶

@WooMaWang a thread baby! 👶 🍼

How wonderful!

Just had the most boring date with Mr Ski, he was in a hurry, had something else booked in this afternoon so went for lunch at 12 and now he’s rushed off home and is going to France Sat for a month. Chat was boring, no chance of any sex (though he has lost weight and looks much more pleasing to the eye). I don’t think I will be seeing him again tbh. Now to try and arrange to see FWB tomorrow 🤔

@WooMaWang
Yay, a thread baby👶
Congratulations to you and Mr SG