Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Clovertoast I think he probably doesn’t see a future with you though I maybe wrong. The only reason I wouldn’t introduce family and friends to a new DP would be if I couldn’t see it working out. I think after 9 months I would know if it was likely to work out of not and would have introduced them to at least my parents and possibly my kids.

@Clovertoast
Would be pretty weird to meet his dad and spend time alone with him on the first meeting.

Of course his dad wants to meet you, parents like doing that. Mr P hasnt said you can or you cant meet them so dont draw any conclusions yet.

How are things going with finding some hobbies?
If you had a hobby or something else to do you wouldnt have a few hours free.

Please stop offering to help him with decorating, i think you've offered a few times and he refused.
He doesnt want your help and when you offer and get refused you end up hurt.

Enjoy the relationship for what it is right now and dont think too far ahead.

@Clovertoast I agree with @SortingItOut it's fine. Why complicate things by adding in family so early? You only have to look on AIBU to see how extended families can be tricky. It's him you want to have a relationship not his family so concentrate on that and making that strong. He clearly does like you long term and he's clearly thought about it as he's suggested going away again. That's not a consolation prize. Isn't that better than decorating with his dad? I think you need to unpick what's going on in your head and discuss different expectations and speeds. I can't imagine why anyone would want to meet my family they're a nightmare.

I've heard that @supercali77 so many times in here that the first person after a long relationship is a hard one to get over. I'd agree with that. My heart fairly broken over Mr U and it took a long long time to get over him. About as long as I was with him. Absolutely no point in dating anyone during that time as they weren't him and I was looking at similar men.

As for me I've got a date with someone I'm actually excited about! I'd literally just turned off my tinder as I was getting fed up with it. He's someone I matched with before Xmas and we shared SM but the messaging fizzled. (Old timers may know how much I enjoy messaging. Two consecutive good morning messages and you're out) Anyway he's messaged a bit over the last few days then last night we got into once of those banging text chats you don't want to end. I've been really low the last few weeks and he actually gave me a fit of the giggles. Meeting tomorrow at a pub at the end if my road (I live in quite a er lively part of London. His suggestion of venue, he doesn't know just how close I live) He's only 12 years younger than me (yes I know) and he has a huge huge beard. 😁
Doesn't matter in the least if it goes somewhere or not I'm just happy I seem to have my dating mojo back.

@Clovertoast I think only you know if it's fine. And to you I don't think it feels fine. There is something making you feel anxious. I had something similar the other week. I was offering to help Mr B with his childcare pick ups. He sorted it without me and I was upset. I've decided to step back completely from his time with DC and I feel less anxious about it. I was upset that I saw his issues as ours, and he didn't. But decided I'm ok with not taking on his problems as I have enough of my own. I think you need to understand the root cause of your anxiety. And whether you can feel differently about it.

@Clovertoast I wouldn't want anyone to be on their own with one of my dp either on a first meeting. Sounds like he's taking it slowly, rather than keeping you at arm's length, and perhaps he wants that first meeting with his df to be in circumstances he's more comfortable with.

@unambiguousbeard wonderful to hear you feeling zingy! When is the date?

And I agree that meeting his dad under those circumstances is far from ideal @Clovertoast I think it's worth having a chat about where you both see the relationship going and what you need to feel more secure.

@Clovertoast I think only you know where this is going. We can all give our opinions based on our own experience. From what you've said it does sound to me like he's keeping you apart from his family. I was with someone and whilst his family did know about me in the two years we were together I never met them. I was with someone else before that who introduced me to his mum and sister but refused to tell his kids about me. It sounds to me like you just need to have a conversation with him about where it is going.
@unambiguousbeard your date sounds fab!! I love those long funny conversations. And he has a beard. Good luck!!

I need some sensible Mumsnet advice please. Just over a week ago I decided to give up on OLD. I posted something amusing about it on my FB publicly "divorcing" myself from it. I then had a message from a very old friend who has also given up on OLD. We met when I was 18 and I'm now 51. We sent long messages then he suggested we move to WhatsApp.
We have chatted every single day. Just nice things about what we are up to. Relationships. Work. Shared photos. Mostly he initiates contact and asks me lots of questions.

Next week he is coming up to visit me for the day for a "non date date" - his words. I cannot wait to see him as we've not seen each other for over ten years.

So this is where I'm confused. We send virtual hugs, he wishes me good night. He asks me how my day was. It feels as if we are almost in a relationship, but obviously we are not. I know he is looking for one.
I feel a bit confused as the messages are mixed. We've never kept in such regular contact, he's coming up to see me at the earliest available opportunity and our messages are just lovely. It makes me smile to hear from him. But it's not a date next week.

I think I'm overthinking this. I think I need to just enjoy it. But there's a bit of me hoping he really does like me and wants more. I've had a crush on him since the day we met!!!

@cerealkillah sounds like a date to me 😉
Maybe he’s calling it a ‘non date date’ as he doesn’t quite know how you are feeling and doesn’t want to scare you off.
I will be very excited about the outcome of this one

@cerealkillah did you ask him why he's calling it a non date date? You could do it light heartedly? 'Oh I've never heard of a non date date before. What is one of those then?' And see what he says. One thing I have learned from dating is to listen to what they are telling you. Pick up on differences between actions and words and don't discount the niggles in your gut. I'm better at the first but still struggle to listen to my gut.

@cerealkillah, it sounds like a great (re)starting point. I guess for both of you there is the question of whether the 18 yr old versions of you still have a connection at 50+. He's clearly interested in finding that out. I would enjoy it on that level initially. I think it'll become clear pretty quickly how you are feeling once you are back face to face. Looking forward to that update.

Thanks for the advice. That really helps. Especially the bit about seeing what happens when we are actually face to face @Onesmallstep67. We have always got on well, but he's never shown any romantic interest in me in the past, although we were both in relationships for a long time. I guess we are both jaded from OLD and have realised how hard it can be to meet someone that way. We both find ourselves single and we do get on well.
I'll keep you all updated. And I need to think of a name for him.

I’m kind of with @Notcoolmum here @cerealkillah - keep an open mind but just be cautious of the mixed messages.

I imagine he’s relatively attractive (and knows it) as you had a crush on him since the day you met - he’s found out lots of information about you via messages so will know your living situation and any vulnerabilities, he knows you haven’t had much luck with OD so will be keen to get something going. He’s now love-bombing you a bit.

If you have a great meet, then you might end up hosting him,
giving him “date benefits”. So it will look like spontaneous chemistry has happened - but maybe something he’s planned?

Which is fine, but from his point of view you’re not officially dating?

I’d just be a bit concerned that he was setting you up to be the “fallback girl” character.

@Bunkbedpeople that makes so much sense!! Thank you. I do have the Fallback Girl book so will have another look at it.
I have just been a FWB for 2 years when I wanted more and I don't want that again. The good thing is, the day we meet I have dinner plans so will have to leave him late afternoon.
The other thing I have learned is that I shouldn't sleep with someone quickly or get too close. Whatever might be there needs to grow. So I also have to make sure I keep a friendly distance.

Thats a bit too cynical even for me @Bunkbedpeople !

Just go easy @cerealkillah see how things are and try not to DTD too early just in case bunk bed is right. He's an old friend.

@unambiguousbeard I definitely won't be DTD too early on. I've learnt my lesson with that.
I have been very hurt in the past, but I know he has too. Maybe I'm reading way too much into it, but I just don't want to be hurt again.

Just downloaded tinder to try that out...why are so many men incapable of having a few decent photos of themselves?!

So, I've decided not to see Mr First&Last again. Although we have an awful lot in common, too many little things are a bit "off". We had another text chat last night that went a little weird, and he ended up taking offence at seemingly nothing. An apologetic text saying sorry he'd had too much to drink only made it worse, really- so he has an argumentative, slightly nasty side that only comes out when he's drunk? When I'm drunk, my texts are pretty much the same as normal (except drunker )!

I'm really sad at how things worked out with Mr Shipwreck, my old FWB. We were pretty close for about 6 months....I tried to get back in touch with him (after my phone died), no reply to my email, so I left him a message on Fab. It went unread for a month, now he's deleted it and hidden his profile. I can only imagine he's met someone, but it would have been so much better to have got some closure with a friendly message telling me so and wishing me all the best .

Got some new matches on Tinder, but not convinced by any of them yet. Perhaps a couple of weeks off the apps for some rest and reflection would be a good idea.

....Which only leaves Mr BigCityBoy. We're due to meet up for some torrid sex this weekend....I told him I need to schedule it around me going away in my (makeshift) camper van for a couple of days, while the weather's still good, and he's floated the idea of coming with me. Leaving aside for a moment the fact that he also has a camper van- and it's far superior to mine- I don't know what to do. I really want to. I'm more than a bit smitten by this one, who very clearly says he doesn't want a relationship....Am I just asking for trouble here????

@crackofdoom, I think it depends if Mr Bigcityboy is lured in by the prospect of more amazing sex or have you caught his attention ? I think you are aware that he was looking for a FWB scenario, that doesn't mean it can't or won't change as we know from the thread. I'd be proceeding with caution. I think you need more than a couple of sex driven meet ups before you will be able to see if you or he actually wants more. It sounds like a fun scenario if you can avoid over investing too soon

@crackofdoom always assume they mean what they say re: relationships. So yeah if you're feeling a bit smitten I'd advise against going into it hoping for more if hes been open about that

Agree with @supercali77 as usual @crackofdoom I have made this mistake before. Assuming actions trumped words. They didn't. He seemed really into me so I ignored some of the things he said about not being ready, going slow, not telling his family etc. I ended up hurt.

To clarify, I'm under no illusion that he's suddenly going to have a road to Damascus moment and propose marriage if we go away for a couple of days together....He wants a FWB situation, and sometimes friends go away camping together for a couple of days. I'm just worried about catching out-of-control feels. Our last night together was pretty intense, in terms of intellectual compatibility and conversation as well as sex...I think it all hinges on whether I'd just be able to enjoy it for what it is.

@crackofdoom ime I can only enjoy something for what it is if I feel open to express my feelings/needs etc with the other person. Else it feels like I'm putting one but of myself to the side. I mean, fwb does sometimes go serious which is great when it all works out but....yeah I'd be unable to do it

supercali I could probably be quite open with him, TBH. We already have been pretty open- for a one night stand. He is a bit of a dangerous one, though, in that, in speech and body language he really seems into me - "I really like you", etc etc.

Or of course, we could go away together and decide we don't like each other all that much anyway!