Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Oh dear God am not knowing whether to laugh or cry at this thread. @Livingnybestlife2020 - agree the daddy thing is totally cringey. I went to see Mr Bike before we went away and because he is lovely in so many ways and perfect partner material, I ended up having sex with him to see if I could force the attraction, but no. When you are driving home and the song in your head is not "Show me Heaven" or similar but "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen, then it's time to reconsider. He is handsome and average size (though Mr Beard was over 6ft with a 6 pack and a huge cock) but just was really nervous and overexcited and not assertive enough for me.

Meanwhile, Mr Extreme has invited me round on Saturday, and he definitely doesn't want anything from me but sex and fun, but sex with him is so hot and our sexual preferences align perfectly. Typical!

Also reading all the stuff about people's views on whether or not it is an issue not being introduced to irons' families and friends has made me wonder if I was too keen to push a relationship with Mr Beard when I could have kept my mouth shut about my bloody feelings and just continued shagging him. His family and friends sounded so awful I didn't even want to meet them, but I do remember feeling anxious and sad a lot of the time as I suspected he was just using me for sex and sympathy when I felt so much more for him, and would have just kept me as a side hustle for convenience while I fell more and more in love, but we were on lockdown, and I was lonely and going quietly crazy (well, obviously crazy really).

Mr Beard was the first person I slept with after a long and unhappy marriage and two years of being militantly alone, and it was fantastic. Sex with Mr Bike reminded me of stoned student sex. He's probably someone I would have adored at 18! Yet he is even more keen than ever now so regret shagging him.

I'm so tempted to message Mr Beard today. I don't think I will ever find anyone I fall for again - have gone back to being quite dead inside. And my recent liaison made me realise that sexual compatibility is a huge deal.

He seems really confident so it’s not an anxiety thing. He’s never made any comment about his size before. He’s been quite kinky in texts so who knows!

Sorry @HairyArsedMan, didn’t mean to offend. Someone up thread mentioned porn so I just assumed that’s what he watches

To be frank @HairyArsedMan and @LivingMyBestLife2020 I almost wish Mr Bike watched a bit more porn (though not nasty stuff and definitely not with the word 'daddy' in it haha). He had some OK moves but if he had been a bit more imaginative it might have felt less like a 6th Form fumble. Of the irons I have slept with I think the others did. Either that or they had slept with loads of women. I would have been shocked a year ago but nothing surprises me now.

I do feel horrible and shallow writing this. I keep thinking he is such a nice person and so keen on me. But sexual attraction is so random.

I kind of feel sorry for men, I think it’s much harder for them to put in a good show than it is us women, also it’s much harder for them to fake it, then they have the whole delusion of porn which most single guys have been watching during their dry period...oh and the risk of death grip from being single too long. I’m finding the death grip is a common problem with a lot of men I have dated.

I’m feeling much better about my romp with my FWB yesterday, although the sex wasn’t great I quite enjoyed the fact he’s really manly unlike Mr Snake who had a few feminine quirks (and death grip issues).

A lovely first date here, coffee and a walk. Conversation flowed and he was such a gent.
He messaged after we parted to arrange another date but... I have another lined up this week and I absolutely Love messaging with this chap. He’s witty, clever and thoughtful

I feel uncomfortable meeting second with first suggesting another date.

Don’t Think I’m cut out for multiple dating but not sure what to do...

@Decentsalnotime

A lovely first date here, coffee and a walk. Conversation flowed and he was such a gent. He messaged after we parted to arrange another date but... I have another lined up this week and I absolutely Love messaging with this chap. He’s witty, clever and thoughtful

I feel uncomfortable meeting second with first suggesting another date.

Don’t Think I’m cut out for multiple dating but not sure what to do...

I'd go out with both. Presumably you're not exclusive with either?

Men definitely do have it tough, I agree. Ive slept with 3 guys since being single and all of them have had some ED issues at some point, which must be crippling for their confidence. I started to take it personally until I did a bit of googling. They all seemed super keen and in the mood/moment so I’m not sure. I wondered if it was age related but they were 36, 42 and 32 so hardly over the hill.
I do feel for them, especially Mr Sunshine as he can’t do anything about his size at all.
I do miss a session with Mr T. He is epic and although he’s had ED issues occasionally, he knows how to distract me from it 😉

He’s actually coming over for dinner this evening. Purely platonic but I’m not sure if I’ll want him. I won’t make any moves as it’s not fair on him. I haven’t seen him for 3 weeks.

I'm going to have to Google death grip .
Tinder going ok but I've already run out of matches. Chatting to two who haven't mentioned anything sexual yet so all good there.
I had a one night stand once with a bloke who had a tiny pointed dick. At first I thought hmm,ok but I have to say it reached the right place and I had a few orgasms through sex. Which is very very rare for me to have one that way. Or perhaps it was because I didnt know him well and had no insecurities,God knows but it taught me theres nothing wrong with men with tiny ones. I always worry about my bits as I've had three kids

Still hoping on exclusivity with MrCountry on his return but as we’re not official (and I suppose the vibe may change) will wait till we’re back dating again in person.

Some venues are continuing Eat out to Help out and I wanted to go to one in particular

so I sent a few messages to see if there were any takers.

One iron (not met yet) I was reminded of why we haven’t met (and probably never will!).

I vaguely know of him as I interned at his workplace a few years ago (we never spoke 1-1)

Genuinely cool guy, cool job, great looking, but challenging to communicate and organise with?

He’s one of those “lovable adorable charming types” with floppy hair who has modelled for sailing companies.

All very “charming” until the last minute cancellations and feeling like you’re stuck with the mental load!

We’d agreed that we’d meet today (he’d 100% pushed to secure a date - it wasn’t all me) I sent the last message on Saturday, then no message today till I checked in at lunch, then (I’d already given up) a message at 4pm to say he was tied up at work.

I believe him, but equally I just don’t want to socialise with anyone where I feel I’m doing all the chasing.

So I’m eating out to help out with someone I met on an online date last year, who I believe is now partnered up (which is fine - he communicated this effectively and we’d kind of drifted away from each other at this point - we never were physically intimate and I think that’s helpful in getting to be friends).

Met up with my date today for a pre-date coffee (we're supposed to be going out at the end of the week). OMG he's so fucking hot!! Like seriously hot (and I rarely fancy people!). He's also super easy to talk to and we have tonnes in common. I'm actually excited!
Roll on our actual date!

It’s the idea that you can become insensitive to a real life woman due to wanking too furiously, too frequently @kerkyra

No idea if women can suffer from the same but I’m highly sceptical it’s a really widespread thing as people have always been masturbating.

Too much info coming up ... cover eyes ... I had years of sex in my long term relationship with the withdrawal method and that approach encouraged me to ..umm.. hold back. A lot of this stuff is in the mind and depends on your relationship with your partner.

@HairyArsedMan
I think women can suffer with something similar to death grip if they use vibrators a lot...in that they cant orgasm without a vibrator.

Reading all your stories makes me glad I'm in a relationship now, i had a sexual revolution when my marriage ended and it was a lot of fun but finding someone sexually compatible who meets all your needs is so much better than loads of messages and arranging a meet and then coming away disappointed when the sex was not what you were hoping for.

Might explain why i ended up meeting so many different guys, admittedly a few were seen more than once and 1 lasted over a year bit the majority was 1 session and i walked away even though FB/FWB was on the cards.

I do feel sorry for men and first time sex with someone new, there is no hiding ED/PE whereas for women we always have the option of lube if they dont turn us on enough

@SortingItOut

I’ve kind of had a parallel experience (although I wasn’t on the apps for most of my dating life so it’s a new ball game)

There’s nothing wrong with being open to sexual experiences and I’ve had some dates and proper relationships arise from (spontaneously - not planned) having slept with someone on the first night.

I’m also quite introverted and don’t like hosting/organising/sending lots of messages so this may colour my view!

But I think (for both sides) there potentially can be too much initial intensity/potential for disappointment and insecurity on both sides if the sexual build-up is too intense.

Especially if there’s been a lot of messages or there’s a romantic/idealistic view of someone formed through these chats. Or you feel that as you’ve semi agreed to engage before meeting so you “have to follow through”.

Like you say, it is possible to score a winner, but overall a series of slightly shit encounters can just be very bad emotionally.

I only got WhatsApp a few years ago and one of the first flirtations I had was with a colleague who lived in a different city.

We sent loads of messages daily (some of them intimate, a lot of them were quite deep and thoughtful as I was quite lonely at the time) and I was in his city for a work thing.

I didn’t message him much as he hadn’t suggested actually meeting, I was quite clear I was looking up people socially, keen on going out etc.

He basically flew into a rage because he expected that after all the “time and effort” he had put in to sexting he thought I’d chase after him, check his schedule, invite him over for a thirty minute sex session at his convenience (on his work break ) and there’d be no socialising apart from the sex session.

It just seemed very skewed and disrespectful? I learned to be a bit cautious of extensive messaging or sexual discussion in advance after that .

@Bunkbedpeople
My sexual revolution was planned, i joined dating sites (and then later a swinging site) with the sole intention of lots of casual sex as I never wanted a relationship.

All messages were sexual but i agree that it leads you into high expectations from the start.

I think if i was aiming for a relationship i wouldnt have done texting and stuff.

Cant believe your colleague expecting sex just because he chatted a bit with you - thank god he showed his true colours.

Thank you! Really reassuring to read your experiences of post-marriage sex.

@SortingItOut - your sexual revolution idea is what i was aiming for when I first joined the apps, but actually, I’ve reverted to type and seem to be getting too smitten too soon

@clovertoast how long have you been seeing this person

Nearly 9 months

Clover
He enjoys your company and he enjoys doing things with you when he is free and available

But he sees no future with you. Not now after 9 months so unlikely ever.

If you enjoy his company and not bothered about future - fine
But you seem to went something much more. He doesn’t want that with you.

@Clovertoast
I know i was in the minority last time but 9 months is nothing, i think its perfectly normal not to have met parents yet.

It is still a very new relationship.

Mr K met my parents a few months ago but only because he has joined me on my Friday night jaunt i do which includes visiting them, personally i dont think meeting my parents is a big deal because they are so used to people coming and going (although he thinks differently)

I havent met Mr Ks parents yet, he has asked me to meet his Dad but I've refused a few times, not sure why really, maybe nerves and Mr K has taken it very well.
Heaven help if he finished with me.

Clearly Mr P is taking up a lot of headspace so you need to talk to him although I'm not sure how you explain you want to meet his kids but he cant meet yours.

Did he not want you over because decorating and stuff is so boring and mundane and he wants to do the fun stuff with you still?

Did he want to decorate his own place on his own (with his dad) as its the first time he has been on his own?

I offer to help Mr K all the time with things and he refuses, I'm a people pleaser and my ex always expected me to be at his beck and call and its hard to get out of that mindset.
I used to be offended but then realised that actually i quite like not doing anythimg for him, i know he wants me for me and not what i do for him.

I know you came from a bad marriage so please have another think about why you are so upset about him refusing your help.

Either go on the weekend away or ask to meet up this weekend to talk, you cannot stay awake for hours worrying.
Then deoending on what he tells you then you can make your own decision.

@MsJaneAusten
Sometimes those feelings just appear from nowhere.

I was 'lucky' in that i had hardened my heart and was pretty emotionless after i left my marriage so having sex with people and not getting feelings was great.

A few men i saw regularly but they wanted more so i ended things, my longest was 14mths and i saw him twice a week but i never got feelings for him.

I'm not sure what happened with Mr K, he somehow managed to chisle a way in to my heart and emotions.....
It was definitely just sex to start with and then after 4 - 5 months we hung out more and he mentioned how 'this wasnt supposed to happen' snd i realised he liked me and so i went with the flow.

I dont regret my sexual revolution, it helped me grow as a person and explore sex again.

@Clovertoast, I think going away with him for the weekend sounds lovely and you should accept it as a positive gesture. It may then offer you the opportunity to talk to him about some of these feelings you have about the relationship. It's really a case of whether what he's offering is what you want. We're all on the sliding scale of looking for the real deal full time with someone to something far more casual. Is meeting his friends and family ( not DC) a conversation you have had and he's given you a clearcut answer on ? I don't know Mr P but to me it seems like he's cautious about adding you into the mix, not wanting to overcomplicate a situation where he's already split from his wife and the significant disruption that caused. It's up to you to decide if being kept separate to most or all of his life is something that you are happy with for the time being.

@utterscocks I fell for someone really hard after my relationship broke down. I notice it happens quite a lot and just yesterday was listening to a podcast about how if you've been starved of intimacy for a long time either by choice or not you can end up falling harder than average for the first person who shows you it. My advice- dont text mr beard, you already know how the script would play out. You will meet someone but It might take some time to get him out of your system. If you can delete any option to contact him it will help...in my experience.

@Clovertoast im a big believer in trusting your intuition. If it doesn't feel right then whatever the reason it deserves to be addressed. I suppose for me really the bit which is a problem is his suggesting you will meet these people and then it not happening. It raises a doubt about his words and actions lining up. In your position id probably wait till you feel less tired and anxious and raise it.

The reason he declined was to do with timings and work and it would be odd me being alone with his dad etc.
He hasn't specifically said in the past that ae will meet, more that his dad expressed an interest in meeting with me.
Its interesting to hear the views, from hes not into you he never will be, to it's fine its early days....
Thank you.
I'll go away and have a think.