Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WALKING2 this happened to a friend of mine and she pulled him up on it. He just didn't think to invite her but his whole behaviour changed after that positively. They are engaged! You should ask him about this and pull him up on it.

@LadyH846

How did your date go?

@Eesha

Really. He only mentioned last night so too late for me to raise it? He is playing his sport now and will then go onto the family night. Might have done it deliberately - I'm an afterthought!

@Eesha

Sorry that wasn't meant to be 'short'.

Thanks. You never know!

Sorry @WALKING2, i didn't realise it was last night only. I'd still pull him up on it and ask why I wasn't invited!

@SortingItOut i think your situation sounds like it really works well for you both. I personally would love to see my partner more but can't due to both my having kids and he's busy too. I would hope that he wants to see me more and that I'm not just a stopgap for him.

@SortingItOut

Thanks for your reply. His children are adults though and don't live with him so not the same as someone with younger children.

You make some good points about all being fillers though. I hadn't considered that.

It the just want differing things. I want to see a boyfriend/partner more, rather than just weekends of fun and sex. The mundane and normal day to day as well. I guess he just doesn't and wants to separate into 'boxes' - not wrong but just different to me.

Oh dear @SortingItOut ... because Clover's situation mirrors mine in many ways I read the reply and thought it was for me

Thanks anyway

@SortingItOut that's a really interesting response thank you. I'm more than happy to be told I'm being bratty. I do feel it a bit. You're right with a lot of that, being a good dad us very important and part of why I find him so attractive.

Your last paragraph resonates with me the most though and I think its the basis of most of my insecurities.
I dont have friends really or hobbies. I work from home and have 3 kids.
My marriage was awful and he wouldn't let me go out anywhere so all my friends fell away. I wasnt even allowed to drive so I dont. I'm now very very lonely, and I think have fallen into the trap of depending on him for company.
That must be suffocating.
When he text about going to a family party this morning my main feeling was jealousy. I want to go ! I want to be included !
So its actually ME thats the issue perhaps, not him , he may not be doing anything except just living his life not realizing he's dating a needy brat !

@WALKING2
No worries. I know your situation is also hard. I see it that your guy has seperated his life out and so his kids are in 1 section and you are in the over. Even though they are grown up maybe he likes to do stuff with them and their mother and it just didnt enter his head that you could go to.

@Eesha
Dating and normal life once you have other commitments is so hard to mix, I'm sure your guy would love to see you more.

I'm just trying to give a different perspective on what relationships can look like, i honestly think society has conditioned us to think that when we are in a relationship we must eventually live together/marry when actually we dont.

For me i had a crap 17 year marriage with loads of emotional abuse as well as financial issues and so that is what puts me off living with someone ever again as i like living on my own with my young adult children, i dont see the need to have a partner living with me.

I personally just want the sex and fun and no drudgery although Friday nights do involve some drudge!!

Joining in the feeling low Saturday. Been on the smitten bench for 6 months but on my way to see Mr G and we both know we need to end it.
To be completely honest it's the right thing to do, somewhere along the way he's stopped being nice to me and I deserve someone who is nice to me. I'm a prize after all. He isn't making me feel like a prize these days.
But it's so hard, I just want to go back to the phase where he was into me and showed it and i didn't spend more time unhappy than I did happy.

@Clovertoast
A man should complement our current life not become our whole life so its good you can recognise that you may have insecurities.

I honestly think you need to love yourself and your life before you start a relationship. Relying on a man for happiness never ends well.

Can you start learning to drive?
Can you start some hobbies?
Join a gym?
Join some groups like WI to meet new people (WI is full of young people now, i so want to join but dont have time)

Please dont feel him going away means he doesnt want you, in his head he is taking his kids to a family event and as you havent met them you cant go with them.
He has seperated his life out and is keeping them seperate which i think is really good in a new relationship.
9 months is nothing really.
I've been with Mr K a year (in 2 weeks) and we havent said we love each other, we say we like each other lots but thats it. (What even is love and how does it feel?)
Although our relationship started as fuck buddies and progressed.

@dancemom
Have some
I'm so sorry things haven't worked out with Mr G, you are definitely the prize and if you dont feel like it then you need to walk away.

I hope today goes as well as it can do.

We are always here for a handhold

@dancemom

Could luck with a really hard ending it chat.

I think we all know 'deep down' if it is right or not for us.

@Clovertoast, I am in quite a similar position to you and I have definitely struggled to not put all the onus onto a man to fill my life up. Lockdown has eased some of my loneliness because my DDs have been here so much. Prior to lockdown I had begun to pursue a hobby but that got halted by the virus. Going forward I am going to try really hard to get down the gym, find a volunteering opportunity and fill my life up a bit more. But just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in feeling lonely and it's really difficult looking at other people's lives thinking that they are busy and happy.

Thank you. All of you. Its been so so helpful on here this morning.
It's me there the issue at the moment.
He isn't perfect, he may well have sone issues but I think I have more.

I have applied to learn to drive, I sent all the papers off yesterday. He actually encouraged me.
Why dont I join a gym or a club? Why am I just moping about?
You're all right.
I need to build a life.
Thank you, I felt so low this morning.
I dont magically feel any better but a maybe clearer. Not having any friends to talk this through with is hard so you strangers really have helped me !!!
Thank you!!!!

Hello all, can I ask which dating sites you recommend? I’m on Tinder and Bumble and also Inner Circle but it seems very city-based. I don’t mind the upfront tone of Tinder, least people are open about what they want rather than pretending but I’m just not getting many matches, maybe I’m too picky. Any suggestions please?

I met Mr P on bumble @OhSoSad. He was my first old !

@OhSoSad

I think mixing it up is a good strategy as it’s easy to get bored on one site - I’ve used match, pof, okcupid, and more recently tinder and bumble - I think others have found hinge works well? Lots of breaks though and I’m currently sorting out practical stuff/possibly on a promise to a bumble guy I met who is working abroad.

I dunno if it’s my age group (late twenties and thirties no children) but I found often okcupid and match contacts or matches (who wouldn’t reply to me or would drift after a couple messages) would also be on tinder and maybe more active there?

I think as tinder has the market monopoly and an influx of new faces all the time, people who are short on time (who are not necessarily bad catches or desperate) tend to prioritise contacts on there.

I also saw many tinder people had profiles on bumble

I've had three dates with someone since early August. We both have children and work and live 80 miles apart. I last saw him mid and it looks like it'll be end Sept before we can see each other again. He isn't a massive texter and if I'm honest I'm bored of texting anodyne messages to someone I haven't had much of a chance to get to know. I think I need to sack this off but it just feels like another in a long line of month long dating 'things' that go nowhere. I also wonder if I'm being hasty. I dont want a full-on relationship, but I do want someone I can see more than monthly.

@cheerup

I've had three dates with someone since early August. We both have children and work and live 80 miles apart. I last saw him mid and it looks like it'll be end Sept before we can see each other again. He isn't a massive texter and if I'm honest I'm bored of texting anodyne messages to someone I haven't had much of a chance to get to know. I think I need to sack this off but it just feels like another in a long line of month long dating 'things' that go nowhere. I also wonder if I'm being hasty. I dont want a full-on relationship, but I do want someone I can see more than monthly.

I don’t think I would be able to do the long distance thing either, although I don’t want someone to marry I would like someone who I can see at least once a week, this is the main reason I have put a end to Mr Snake, we ended up only seeing each other once every 3 or 4 weeks but mainly because I didn’t put much effort in (so obviously not meant to be) we have remained friends although it feels a little awkward and I have a feeling he will try and make me feel guilty. It’s so hard finding someone who has the time and lives close enough to keep up contact, most the people I have dated have ended up not being that available or they have been too full on and wanting to see me every day.

I couldn't do long distance either, although I'm kind of in one? I'm not sure if 45 mins away by car is long distance?
I know that seeing each other once a month would absolutely not work for me.
I was seeing Mr P every 3 to 4 days until this last week and I've realised I'm going to struggle with the once a week and every other weekend we are going to have to do now kids are back at school etc

Its not going to work for me either! I guess its all learning...

Gosh, I definitely wouldn't call a 45 minute drive long distance, Cloavertoast but I'm quite happy to do long distance because I probably wouldn't be able to date more than once a week currently anyhow so geographically far away isn't a massive issue.

I have had a weird experience...I started messaging with a guy a couple of nights ago and I found him incredibly witty and funny - our convo was flying and I was really enjoying it. I went to bed buzzing, although there were a couple of red flags.

I told my friend about it the next morning over coffee and showed her his profile. She is very techy and (because I had expressed slight concern over the red flags) said she'd do a but of googling. Within minutes she'd found him and he had really quite a dubious past (was in local papers over a court case). I was bit gutted but then remembered that I'd had a really bad sleep with nightmare/restlessness all night. I think in retrospect I had worked out in my gut that this man was bad news for me but it is just so annoying that he's the first man I have actually found really engaging, hilariius and sort of sexy (without actually talking about sex) in ages. Grrr!

Anyway, thanks to @HairyArsedMan for helping me with my profile and some jolly good advice, I feel I'm ready to go now 😁

I am an hours journey too.
Also only meet up a couple of times a month...forme it's not enough and so having a negative effect on me and the relationship