Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Ruralbliss I would only consider replying if effort had gone into the message. If not I'd just unmatch.

Also I dated someone last year who didn't tell his wife and kids about me. I felt like a dirty secret and it ate away at me. When he ended it he said he hadn't been ready for anything serious. At the time I was devastated as we were very intense. Looking back now I can see he had a long journey to travel after a 20 year marriage.

@Notcoolmum he doesn't have or use social media. I know its true. So there has been picture sharing or announcement of being in a couple.
His family and friends knew he was away with me, they know I exist . The exw and children do not know I exist. She knew I was on holiday, but not with me. I actually told him while we were on holiday that I felt like I was having an affair with him. She texts him updates and instructions about the children every day. They argue/communicate daily. I really noticed just how much when we were away.
I think a previous poster is correct, he's still entangled in the divorce and all of that . He's freely admitted he thinks he met me very quickly.
Ahhhhh. I'm going to stop analysing it.
It actually makes me feel sick and anxious.

Also, and this has just occured to me, were HE to write this post he would be saying the same about me. I have an abusive, unstable ex so he doesn't know about Mr P I haven't posted any pics anywhere. My family know but haven't met him, so really I'm being a hypocrite and maybe we are both just untangling from our messes trying to figure this out while being shocked at how quickly we met each other.
Because he really is lovely

No picture sharing that first line should read !!!

Sorry to monopolise the thread but this is an example of something thats just happened that has made me feel shit and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable...
I text him this morning my usual good morning text. We text chatted a bit, i asked how the house was going, he tells me he's not going there this weekend he's going away for the weekend with the kids to stay with family for a family celebration.
I didn't know that. I'm obviously not included, but how can I be " his girlfriend " when I don't even know what he's doing and cant do it with him ?
Am I being ridiculous.
Happy to be told yes and please bear in mind this is my first long term relationship since my marriage ended.....

@Clovertoast, do you know what you would like to change about the relationship? Are you scared of your feelings for him ? Being on your own again? I feel those things and I think it's perfectly natural. When you meet someone and feel a connection but then also see all the added complications of DC, ex W/P. It's a difficult path to tread and each step has to be judged and others' feelings taken into account. The right person will be giving you signals that they know it's a bit complicated and you'll be supporting each other through. It comes down to trusting what they say and do, that they mean it. This is true of any relationship. Sometimes it matters more than others though. Is there one thing that you could ask him to do or try that might make you feel a little more relaxed?

@Clovertoast

My view.

Does he like you? Yes. Why else would he be messaging

Does he see a future? Does he really like you? No

What’s sex like? Because if good, that might be his Motivation for Messaging but not wanting to take Further

I do find it baffling that you’ve not introduced him to your family but you’re upset he hasn’t introduced you to his (much younger) family?

@Decentsalnotime ouch.....but shit....I do worry you're right.
The sex is very good and I have sometimes wondered if thats all we have.

Yes I know, but the timing and logistics of lockdown have made it difficult. He's made it clear he would like to meet them and has talked about taking my kids out together etc.
He's suggested future things but I know that any time we spend together will always, always be when is convenient for his kids, I will never come first.....

Hmmm that makes me sound like a brat doesn't it

@Clovertoast, not mentioning the party sounds one of 2 things, he either didn't want to mention it because he wasn't sure how you might feel or he just doesn't even see you as a possible part of that scenario. When he talks about your relationship does he acknowledge that your combined situation is pretty tricky ? Although it's only tricky if you don't communicate well and reassure/ check in with each other that you understand why each of you has to keep parts of the relationship private. Is he a good communicator ? Do you see him as your next long term significant other ?

As I say, I have young children
I relate to him
I will only introduce someone I am absolutely sure I have a future with
And I would keep someone at arms length if I didn’t think this.

Dating over a year. Regular daily messaging and phone calls a couple of times a week. Meet up around 3 times a month now we live about an hour away from each other.
Mentions last night that today playing sport during day and then ex wife has invited herself over afterwards for the evening (he has the adult sons for a curry night), probably bringing her new partner then tomorrow morning a sporting competition. Basically saying but not saying I'm not free. Didn't consider inviting me to the curry night (have met them all before).
His previous g/f of several years didn't attend family events and they never lived with each other. She didn't get on with the ex wife, I don't have any issues with the ex wife/vice versa.

Is this just the way some do things - in separate compartments. I'm for the fun nights and sex and then the family occasions different? I felt hurt but didn't actually say anything at all but 'oh, OK'... lame aren't I?

Opinions?

@Clovertoast

I relate to this. The sex is amazing and plentiful and varied when together.

I just think it that what our relationship is. Not a full time live in commitment - I'd rather know now then I can move on because if it is all I get then not for me - I want it all.

@Clovertoast

I have just read the post highlighted below. You could be me! So similar. Family event and I am not told until the night before as an afterthought (so I don't ring her something?). I also came out of a very long marriage so don't know how dating is now/older years. I feel exactly the same as you. How can I be his 'girlfriend' - we certainly aren't partners, and yet an afterthought when he has already made weekend plans and they don't include me....

'Sorry to monopolise the thread but this is an example of something thats just happened that has made me feel shit and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable...
I text him this morning my usual good morning text. We text chatted a bit, i asked how the house was going, he tells me he's not going there this weekend he's going away for the weekend with the kids to stay with family for a family celebration.
I didn't know that. I'm obviously not included, but how can I be " his girlfriend " when I don't even know what he's doing and cant do it with him ?
Am I being ridiculous.
Happy to be told yes and please bear in mind this is my first long term relationship since my marriage ended.....'

should say 'so I don't ring/message or something whilst the family thing is on

@Onesmallstep67 I think it's the second option. He didnt mention the party to me because me being included isnt even a factor. It goes without saying I'm not included or invited.
We don't really talk about our relationship. We've only had a chat once and that was about 6 months in where we acknowledged that we were exclusive and he wanted to refer to me as his girlfriend but also doesn't want to tell his kids yet.
He has also said he never wants to get married again or merge finances. I said what about living together, he was non committal really.
Ahhh fuck. I am a filler !
I'm someone to stop him feeling lonely when he doesn't have the kids.
We watched tv once and he saw a dog on a programme, he said I thought about getting a dog once to keep.me company when the kids arent around but now I've got you!
I got annoyed and he told me he was joking etc but

Walking I think if he wanted to see you this weekend he could have easily invited you to join in wit the curry night?

I think I’m meeting up with a friend tomorrow for a FWB type thing but I’m worried he will want more than that. He’s a nice bloke but not really my type (not for a relationship), how do I make it clear that it’s FWB rather than the start of a relationship? I don’t really want to lose him as a friend, we talk a lot but also a lot of sex talk.

@Decentsalnotime hmm that makes sense. If he really saw a future with me he would he introduced me.
Shit.

I feel so low.

I know its really hard @Clovertoast but i actually think he is being a very responsible Dad and keeping his kids and his dating seperate.

You did wonder if you are being brattish and personally i think wanting to be number 1 in someones life who has kids is being a bit brattish but i totally get why you want to be no.1.

If i met a man and he made me bumber 1 over his kids i would run for the hills.
A man being a very good dad is a priority for me.

Your relationship with him is very new, maybe his kids have other stuff going on in their lives and meeting Dads new partner is more upheaval for them.

Maybe he is worried if you meet the kids you might want to see him when he has the kids and then where is his dad/kids time?

I'm happy not to meet Mr K's son properly, I have met him but just as Mr K's friend with the farm when they came to see my animals.
Mr K has met my kids but they are young adults, he stays over when they are here.
His son is at primary school soon.

I havent met any friends or family bit then lockdown hasnt helped, he has met most of my family and one friend of mine.
I definitely think lockdown has affected relationships and meeting wider family and friends especially as the rules are still quite strict on gatherings etc

@Clovertoast, I don't think it's necessarily that you are only a filler and would always remain that way. As a complete outsider it seems to me that he has decided that he can't offer you more than he currently is. He's protecting his DC and preventing any further fall out or giving ammunition to his ex. So then it's a question of whether you can accept this being the case for the foreseeable future. Do you feel like you want more reassurance that he values what you have ? He may be very fearful of getting overly committed when aspects of his previous life are not yet sorted. What's missing in the relationship for you?

@Clovertoast

Do you actually really like him?

Or just like the company and being in a relationship?

@Lovemusic33

Yes I agree. He just didn't invite me. We are meeting up for lunch later in the week, he obviously feels that he has covered all bases then. I think I will need to either get my own interests and just announce that I am busy with X Y or Z at the last moment or just end it and look for someone that probably has a similar long term plan to me (but you don't know until you meet them). Not much point sticking with someone who doesn't include me or even think of asking me after a year though. If I mention it I might get an invite, but do I really want to be that 'needy'. If he doesn't consider asking me there is a reason for it. I just a filler and not the one. Oh well, that's life and it sucks sometimes.

I've never had a FWB so don't know how to help. Perhaps you should speak to the guy I am seeing and he can let you know.... I feel like that's all I am really although he says he loves me. I guess just say that you enjoy the current relationship and cannot see it developing into a 'relationship' ...? Good luck.

@Clovertoast
Just seen your other post while i was typing.

I think i am the female version of your boyfriend, i dont plan to merge lives with Mr K, we are certainly never going to marry,mix finances or live together but we are both happy with that.

Blending lives when you are older and come with children is a huge logistics task so i can see why he doesnt want to do it.

If you are both happy with what you have then its fine but if you definitely want more (and not just what society makes us think we want) then he isnt the man for you.

When in a new relationship arent we all just fillers?
My life and Mr K's life comes before us meeting - work, kids, hobbies and seeing friends all come first and any spare days we meet up. Is that classed as being a filler or just having a life outside of a relationship?