Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I've been reading all these threads since January. Such good advice on all of them but also fascinating how we all feel so similar.
I'm 9 months into seeing Mr P now.
He refers to me as his girlfriend but I haven't met a single friend or family member.
We had a week away together which was nice but since then I haven't seen him in over a week. He has his kids for a long while now as his exw has had an op and needs to recover.
And thats where my issues arise.
I know I'm second best to the kids, I know they come first but I really feel more and more that I'm a filler, something to do when he doesn't have them. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.
We still text daily, but don't talk on the phone.
He always seems so content with these big gaps where we dont see each other at all, but I struggle with them.
I dont know what I'm asking really, I just dont feel like a girlfriend thats for sure.
I feel lonely and like I'm waiting for when hes next ready for me, but that's not fair is it. I'm being unfair.
Im also depending too much on him to not feel lonely, but at 45 with 3 kids, I am lonely!!!!! All my friends are couples, I literally am alone most of the time.
Eurgh this is all such hassle.
I feel so more forward then him, we have never said I love you either , I can't imagine him being anywhere near ready

Clover this is the very reason I don’t want to date someone with kids (not young ones anyway, teens not so bad), I feel like I have always been a filler, ex husband had kids when I met him so I had to kind of fit in, since then I have had several relationships with people who have kids and it hasn’t worked. I feel selfish but I would love to be someone’s no1 priority, maybe because I have never been in the past, it’s also very tricky when you both have kids and different child free times, I have just had this convo with Mr Snake and conformed that we could never be in a relationship because seeing someone once every 2 weeks wouldn’t be enough for either of us.

Can I please join this thread? Enjoying reading about other peoples' experiences.

I finished a several month long relationship about a week ago and getting back into dating straight away. I have my first date tomorrow.

@Clovertoast

I've been reading all these threads since January. Such good advice on all of them but also fascinating how we all feel so similar. I'm 9 months into seeing Mr P now. He refers to me as his girlfriend but I haven't met a single friend or family member. We had a week away together which was nice but since then I haven't seen him in over a week. He has his kids for a long while now as his exw has had an op and needs to recover. And thats where my issues arise. I know I'm second best to the kids, I know they come first but I really feel more and more that I'm a filler, something to do when he doesn't have them. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. We still text daily, but don't talk on the phone. He always seems so content with these big gaps where we dont see each other at all, but I struggle with them. I dont know what I'm asking really, I just dont feel like a girlfriend thats for sure. I feel lonely and like I'm waiting for when hes next ready for me, but that's not fair is it. I'm being unfair. Im also depending too much on him to not feel lonely, but at 45 with 3 kids, I am lonely!!!!! All my friends are couples, I literally am alone most of the time. Eurgh this is all such hassle. I feel so more forward then him, we have never said I love you either , I can't imagine him being anywhere near ready

I also struggled with this in my last relationship with a single dad...feeling like I was a filler in his life and someone to pass the time with, but not feeling like we'd be merging our lives together in the future. That wasn't the only reason the relationship failed but I want to be someone's #1 priority too. So I totally understand where you're coming from.

@Clovertoast, I would say that you're not being unreasonable at all, not wanting to be a filler or be someone's second best is completely understandable. Also, he's not being really unreasonable if you have had that conversation and he's giving all he can give/or is prepared to give.

It's more about if what you both want out a relationship is compatible with what the other person wants and most implying it isn't what compromises there are that satisfy both parties.

If you want more and he can't give more or isn't prepared to try, then I think there is a real issue and potential path to further unhappiness and disappointment. Would you be up for having a conversation about what you want from a relationship and how you feel?

I am back on the shelf.
I was married 14 years, to a twat.
Met someone weeks after leaving said twat and we were together 16 months. Like above he didn’t introduce me to his daughter or his mother. We broke up knowing we still loved each other in the ‘bubble’ but not enough to be committed fully.

3 weeks down the line been on tinder and have been offered a date. Feel totally confused about what I should do really. I am scared I guess about my insecurities. He seems nice, pretty similar in ways but he doesn’t drive, and professionally not sure we are on the same kind of level (me being higher). Ugh dunno, I don’t want another bloody scrub like the twat was.

@Clovertoast I think after 9 months you could have an open and frank conversation about this. Maybe not directly referencing being second to the kids but rather how you think you should both be moving on to feel more like boyfriend/girlfriend meeting friends family etc.
Maybe you are at that stage of seeing has this got legs to proper long term -Do you want this ? Do you love him? (Not to answer me but to think through for yourself)
I hope it gets better..have a chat when you meet again

Re the adrenaline rollercoaster. Honestly I think i chose it. I didnt think I did, but I did. I can recognise every single red flag now, and actually at the time I could see it but I was involved in a mental game of 'do they, dont they, do I, don't i' 24/7. And tbh it took my neurosis away from the real life shit I had on my plate into gnawing over men who frankly on paper were not people I would sustain a relationship with. Dating someone 200 miles away? Sure why not. Someone in their 40s who's never lived with a woman in his life? Yeah he'd be a great fit. I'll be the exception. All of them were choices I can see i made precisely because they were not going to be the right person. Actually while I think the OLD break was good, what was better was using lockdown and being on furlough to build a separate career that I love. Im much happier and I guess as a result I dont need the rollercoaster to find emotional highs. I may be over theorising this but it seems to have had an impact.

Or maybe I just wasn't ready and I am now. I dont think everyone who's finding this draining needs a new career. Or a total life overhaul. Its Already draining enough at the best of times.

@Teesstar you don't have to keep seeing this person if he doesn't fit right after the first second or nth date. You could write out a list of qualities you want in a partner and some will be non negotiable. Go for what you want and decide as you go whats not ideal but OK

@supercali77

Or maybe I just wasn't ready and I am now. I dont think everyone who's finding this draining needs a new career. Or a total life overhaul. Its Already draining enough at the best of times.

I’m very close to having a big career change and starting my own business, I’m hoping it will help my confidence and give me something to focus on that’s enjoyable (unlike my current job). I think I need more things in my life to keep my mind busy rather than looking for a person to fill the gaps.

@Clovertoast. I was actually reading all the posts because this is exactly how I’m feeling. I’m 6 months in, and feel like I’m his filler when he’s not busy. I feel a hypocrite because I have no intention of introducing him to my children, but feel affronted that he doesn’t want to introduce me to his!

We message daily, initiated by him a lot of the time. Sometimes call but not much, but he seems happy with big gaps between seeing each other.
He doesn’t want a relationship, neither do I currently, but what if I change my mind? I like him, and he likes me, is that enough at 6 months?
I think I I’m worried that I’m too old (50’s) to see where things go, or I’m scared?

Thanks all.
@Mylifestartstoday yea hes in his 50s too but his children are very young.
Whereas mine are late teens so we are at very different stages. He's met my eldest daughter, he wanted too, but has told me he has no intention of introducing me to his " yet " as they have been through enough. However, I dont know what the " yet " is.
I'm not brave enough to fucking ask is the truth of it.
I'm being a coward.
After 20 years in a shitty marriage then being alone I'm too scared I'll scare him off and in doing so I'm not being honest with myself.
I dont mind not meeting the kids right now, but if I'm finally honest why myself I DONT feel like his girlfriend. I'm out of sight out of mind, I know I am. I'm not consulted or asked my opinion on stuff ( he's currently renovating his new house ) I'm not involved in the decorating or the work to get it ready, despite offering repeatedly. Instead he has friends and his dad there, so I am assuming I couldn't possibly be there at the same time . His kids are at school so even though he has them I could pop over and help, or say hi to his dad. But he hasnt asked.
I dont know. Maybe I'm being pushy and what I'm expecting is too much too soon. I suppose I miss being a proper couple, I dont feel like im in one yet.

@Clovertoast. That’s exactly how I feel. I miss being a couple, but don’t really know if I want all that again. I too am scared to voice my feelings....I figure it’s better to say nothing and see how it progresses. It might be a rebound, I too was married 20 years the last few years not being great.
My friend says I’m thinking too much, and should just enjoy it for what it is but I’m not sure I can.

@Mylifestartstoday omg you are me lol.
I keep justifying with myself why I'm not saying with, wellll I'll just see what happens. I'll see how it plays out etc.
I've been wfh all week so maybe it didnt occur to him I could help etc.
I find lots of rational reasons.
I suppose the correct answer and something I've learnt from the wise posters on this thread, is that there is no right or wrong, it's how I feel and what I'm willing to accept or is enough for me.
This isn't if I'm truthful.

But I'm worried I'm wanting too much too soon. So I'm burying all that, feeling horribly anxious and generally not enjoying what should be still a lovely stage.
Eurgh I'm a crappy mess...

@Clovertoast. I feel conflicted, I don’t know what to do, partly because I don’t want to be totally alone and with teenagers it’s hard to meet anyone. I guess I feel a bit tricked (not the right word) because his tinder profile intimated he was looking for a relationship yet doesn’t seem to want that (but neither do I). I’d miss the messaging though, and the sex when we do meet (definitely would miss the sex 😂), but that makes me feel like a tart. I don’t want a FWB, I don’t want a relationship, so what do I want? Answers on a postcard maybe?
I feel like a dirty secret, although I’ve been to his house and stayed over so may have been clocked by his family. I wish I had the answers for you, but as you can see, I’m as confused as you 😂

@Clovertoast

How long have you been with him?

I have young children and absolutely no intention of introducing, even love if my life! for at least 6 months. Only after ticked off going away together, meeting his friends, having a disagreement etc.

Has anyone used elitesingles or eHarmony?
I used both and got completely ripped off eHarmony, cancelled with 10 days as matches were other side of country and they charged me £65 for a personality profile! Lots of bad reviews online.
Is match.com better than POF? Finding pof to be full of topless men swigging cans in of cheap lager

Ah 9 months

At that point I think I’d be happy to introduce someone I was really sure about abs happy with.

If I wasn’t - then I wouldn’t.

Clover - i speak from perspective of someone with primary aged children embarking on OLD - he’s being responsible and a good parent. He’s not sure about his relationship with you - hence keeping you at arms length. He’s not behaving badly.

@Clovertoast @Mylifestartstoday maybe the people you are with are also finding their feet with things too, like you both are after very long relationships. I don't think you are dirty secrets, it's just no one in your circle knows exactly what they want yet. If you really want more, then you have to put it out there and work towards it. But think whether it's what you want and not just hurrying things along.

@Rainydayss

Has anyone used elitesingles or eHarmony? I used both and got completely ripped off eHarmony, cancelled with 10 days as matches were other side of country and they charged me £65 for a personality profile! Lots of bad reviews online. Is match.com better than POF? Finding pof to be full of topless men swigging cans in of cheap lager

I used eharmony and never had a single date off it. It only seemed to be men in their 50s and 60s (I was in my 30s). I was disappointed at the lack of men my age, in my area. Match.com was a bit better.

Agree about pof not being great either.

It's so interesting about needing a break from OLD. I publicly "divorced" myself from OLD on Facebook last weekend. The responses I got from friends were interesting. Some of them had had success and urged me to continue. But I have just had enough of the highs and lows of it. It's not worth it.
A very old friend contacted me following on from my post. He has tried and failed at it too. We have agreed to meet up soon, we have not seen each other for many years. And he's now messaging me on a daily basis. I've no idea what to make of that, but it's nice getting messages from someone I actually know!

@Clovertoast I spent 9 months with someone who had younger kids (mine are teens). I did meet his friends and family but he never told his kids about me. I absolutely felt like I was there to fill the loneliness gap. I realised I'd always come second best to them. He would always tell me how beautiful his daughter was. He never told me I was beautiful. He ended the relationship, and I'm glad he did. It couldn't continue as it was making me so anxious.

Tinder appears to have gone mad.

I have woken up to loads of 'matches' I definitely didn't (& wouldn't have ever even if they were the last men on the planet) swipe right on.

Now they're all messaging me.

Do I just quickly unmatch and leave them thinking 'Wtf?' or politely message to say 'Tinder must be broken because you are deffo not my type'

I think the latter.

Bloody weird. About 8 alleged matches. Never seen any of them before. I swipe right on so few men it's not hard to remember!

I can understand wanting to keep young children separate. But I don't understand why this would extend to friends and family @Clovertoast Have you spoken to him about it? Are you ok each other's socials? It's been about 14 months for me. We went FB official (!) at about 10 months (I knew he wanted to and one day I wanted to as well). I've met a parent, DC and his ex. But not his friends. Have spoken to his bestie in the phone whilst drunk once! He's met my DC, family and friends.

Did people know who he was on holiday with. Did either of you share photos?