Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Bunkbedpeople This is true. I've learned a huge amount about dating & myself over the past year.

One thing i have a tendency to do is attempt to get over last man by starting a new relationship with another. I think this pushes me into unsuitable relationships which are high in initial Adrenalin (love bombing etc) but ultimately are with rubbish blokes.

I think I need to gird my loins, focus on myself, my kids, my house, my personal projects etc. for a period of time so I can give myself a good chance of meeting someone suitable in the future.

@Ruralbliss, I understand your feelings and I can recognise myself in much of what you say. I have asked myself many times why I couldn't just focus on myself, be a good mom, find pleasure and contentment in just being me. And I guess for the most part I do. But there is another layer there for me that isn't satisfied when I am not in some form of a physical or emotional RS with a man. For me it feels a tangible need. I like sex, intimacy and affection. I miss them all when I don't have them. For those of you better read on psychology, I'm sure there could be an explanation for this. Or maybe it's just the way I am, in the same way others are more than happy when on their own and living life their way. I have definitely had moments when using the apps that I have felt confused, bored, weary and even very sad but without OLD I pretty much wouldn't have had a sex life or to some degree a social life. I have encountered plenty of nutters, sex pests and losers but I have also met some wonderful, funny, sexy men who have bolstered my self esteem and opened my world up no end. It does take a certain mindset to stay with the apps, meet the dates, feign interest in the dullest of chat. But when it works out it can be wonderful as we can all testify and I guess it's that part that keeps most of us hanging on in there.

Hi to all.
Just wanted to check in.have been on the thread under different username on and off over last few years.am single again after 1 1/2yr relationship-my decision and not in the jot upset about it.since end of my marriage 6 yrs ago seem to have attracted men-children who need fixing with the odd weirdo with drink/alcohol/insolvency/emotional issue thrown in. Have decided to focus on me and the kids and have sworn to my dc that they didn't need to worry and I wouldn't be on the apps. Have plenty of friends for my child free times and busy with work/ doing things with the kids . However, I do miss the intimacy/physical stuff and could do with a good fwb but have no idea how I'm going to find that without any apps!

Amen @Onesmallstep67
I could have written this.

Je ne regret rien with my post-20 yr dysfunctional marriage OLD romances.
I have learned so much, had some tremendous times, honed what I like in a guy and what I don't.

My kids are not my world. I like having an adult existence outside of work and parenting. I like chatting, laughing, shared music/films/walks etc. And of course sex.

But.... I'm battered emotionally and need to reboot. It may last a few hours, days, weeks or months. Who knows.

@Onesmallstep67 you've articulated perfectly how I feel too and it feels so comforting to know I'm not alone. Friends (always married) will often give me the whole speech about learning to be strong on my own as if it's a fault in me to be happier in a relationship, but it's just how I am. I like having someone in my life. Speaking of which, after my first (9 hour) date with Mr Political, texts have become increasingly flirtatious and I hope very much that tomorrow's date might turn into an overnight, otherwise I may spontaneously combust!

I'm thinking of giving it up 1 relationship in. This people disappearing / ghosting / giving you the slow fade is bullshit. I mean ok I suppose if you've not met the person, but after a few months it's just weird. When did not having basic communication skills become ok? Doesn't seem untypical by posts on here unfortunately.

@Ruralbliss your last post was exactly how I feel... to the letter

Also @frocksmock worth adding that it drives me bonkers when married friends suck their teeth at me and ask 'What's the rush? Why not spend some time on your own? How could you possibly have the energy for OLD?' I want to slap them and say something petulant about it being a bit shite being the only adult and could they Fuck Off and leave me alone....

6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

We was getting along so well, then she deleted her account. Can't remember how it came up, I told her of my ability to wiggle my ears. She said she needed proof. Told her I would only show her in person. Date almost nearly got hinted at. More toing and froing, then Pffffffffff. Gawn.

Hi all - I used to post on here loads months ago before and during deep lockdown and have just popped in to see how all the old and new faces are doing!

Love reading all your updates. As sometimes I think it is just me! It seems online dating oddness is universal, and also that there are some rare but lovely success stories out there. Am genuinely pleased for all your happy endings!

@HairyArsedMan good to see you again with your mix of compassion and common sense! 🤗 I agree about being able to meet friends via OLD. The single best result I have ever had is Mr Media, a man I didn't fancy who is now my absolute male best friend. We text constantly and see each other regularly, and he is my voice of common sense, IT support and shoulder to cry on. He says I make him laugh and am his good luck charm. My DD says he is like my big brother! So if I never get anything else, I have him (and he is happily loved up now with a fantastic new woman)

So here is my 6 month update:

After my lockdown break up with Mr Beard (who I should have named Mr Player in hindsight) and subsequent ridiculous heartache (which I found more crippling after 3 months than the end of my 21-year marriage) I have gone a little insane and recently had 5 dates in 1 weekend.

I have had wickedly good sex with had two charismatic utter maniacs to get over Mr Beard and a lot of lacklustre dates with harmless men and charmless men, and a few nice ones who were just not for me. Because they aren't Mr Beard 😢(so I hear you @Ruralbliss)

I think there might be 6 men or so out there who currently think they are my boyfriend, or are about to be. My heartbreak has made me utterly untrusting and untrustworthy.

I have found there are a lot of men who send filth with no provocation and have briefly wondered if that is universal or if there is something unintentionally lascivious looking in my profile pics (I don't think so 🤔?)

Currently have a FWB, Mr Extreme, who is sexy, funny and outrageous but doesn't want a relationship, and a chilled out dating guy, Mr Bike, who is lovely but actually too nice for me to find sexy, despite objectively thinking he is attractive (though not a gym guy, which puts me off).

I'm wondering if I just sleep with horrible men because I'm avoidant. And because Mr Beard was pretty horrible.

I worry that online dating has turned me into someone I barely recognise. And I am wondering if nice people can grow on you, or if it really is all about lust at first sight? (and if so, can I get a book out of it, if not a boyfriend)

And that's where I am. 6 months older. No wiser. So back on here for the words of wisdom.

Have a lovely weekend everyone x

@UtterSocks I was in the same emotional situation a year ago. Reading Post male syndrome...a blog helped. Taking a 6 month break helped. Ultimately I worked it out of my system. It felt like I had no functioning adrenaline system left, so many highs and lows and finding adventure in the worst sorts of characters. I ended up utterly revolted in the situation. I think you just kinda have to go through it

So my experience of Bumble went like this:

Lots of matches
Messaged 5
1 disappeared
2 didn’t reply
1 replied and was dull as dishwater
Final one turned into a good chat last night, felt positive, woke up to a good morning text and a dick pic 😩 pretty impressive pic to be fair but absolutely not for me! 😂🤣

I’m leaving the apps alone today. I’ve got a busy day planned so I’m going to crack on.

Have. Good day all

That's shit @LivingMyBestLife2020. I'm struggling to reconcile good chat with the sending of a dick pic.

Hi again @UtterSocks thanks, I'm feeling slightly embarrassed now . I think the difficulty with building a close friendship is the time it takes away from dating possibilities In the initial stages it puts you in a sort of fallback guy position which as @Bunkbedpeople mentioned in a prior post has the potential to ruin self esteem. I have no free time at the moment so there will be some natural distancing that will perhaps quieten things down.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 that appears to be my experience too, after only a few days!

I do have a date tomorrow, but he is very keen and I'm not sure if it's scaring me off a bit 🤔 I've decided to be more open to meeting people than I previously have so I will go to a public place and at least give him a chance :)

@UtterSocks and @supercali77 I’m thinking I’m falling into that dynamic at the moment.

This really resonates:

It felt like I had no functioning adrenaline system left, so many highs and lows and finding adventure in the worst sorts of characters. I ended up utterly revolted in the situation

@LivingMyBestLife2020 what a lovely wake up message why do some men think women want this ...WHY!!

Absolutely no idea on the dick pic scenario. The chat yesterday afternoon/evening was all very normal! lots of questions, nothing naughty, he gave me some good recommendations for my holiday next week, we talked about my hair as hes a hairdresser, my career change, just good chat. Then the massive veiny penis this morning!

I replied making a comment about his hands being lovely and then blocked him.

I just don't get it at all...

After reading some of the posts on here I am not in a rush to return to online dating. I’m not even sure what I want right now, of course I would love to meet them one’ and live happily ever after but I can’t seem to find anyone that I want to give my all too. I enjoy dating, like going out to eat or to do a activity, love the general chit chat and texting and all the naughty stuff but I can’t seem to find anyone that I want to spend a week with or have stay over even, I quite like my single life apart from the times I feel lonely.

So, next week I am going out for lunch with Mr Ski even though he’s not relationship material, he’s ok company and likes to take me out (and always pays for the meal) and I have been stuck at home with the kids for almost 6 months.

Mr snake is still hanging around, sending me messages saying he misses me etc...etc... but again I don’t feel like I could be in a relationship with him, he has too much baggage and issues in the bedroom.

I have another iron that comes and goes who I really like but again he has a lot of baggage and sways from being really interested to disappearing for a few weeks.

I also have a friend who could easily become a FWB, we exchange a lot of texts and have a bit of a laugh but again I can’t see myself in a relationship with him.

I’m starting to think maybe there’s something wrong with me because I can’t seem to feel anything for anyone, maybe because I have so much fear of getting hurt that I have set the bar way too high? Maybe because I have dated so many pigs that I now feel all men are the same? Anyway, I do hope that one day I will go on a date and feel a instant connection and that they will feel the same.

For what’s it worth, my mere fortnight of OLD, and only signed up to one app - all positive
Hinge.
Very nice guys
Lots of likes to me
And really interesting and pleasant chats
Two coffees lined up this weekend
Have you tried hinge?

Gosh, so much of what is being said in the recent posts resonates with me hugely, especially about a shot adrenaline system. I took quite a major step back when my last RS ended 18 months ago. It definitely helped to reboot.

It’s interesting the talk about Adrenalin rushes/emotions etc.

I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of meeting lots of people and 100% agree with pps that overall as a single woman without a big friendship group I’ve met some fantastic people and had some great dates and contacts and social experiences. Love it or hate it everyone’s on the apps!

I do feel that the online dating apps/business model is designed to get us all “chasing the dragon” a bit. Hence why breaks are good.

I’ve found that often rather than just accepting loneliness and negative emotions (in hippy meditation speak - “working through the boredom/anxiety threshold) I’m tempted to find someone to get it over with?

Or say guy A lets me down in one way, I then immediately look for guy B to make me feel better and take me out and prove I’m not unattractive/worthless etc.

I’m not sure if it’s my age but the Sex and the City tv thing (and the whole overdramatic dating lifestyle) was quite tempting when I was younger (compared to say being a suburban housewife like my mum).

But I don’t think it’s really emotionally or physically sustainable
for me now.

Or say guy A lets me down in one way, I then immediately look for guy B to make me feel better and take me out and prove I’m not unattractive/worthless

This.
And this is why I have to have more than one iron, if I put all my eggs in one basket then I take a huge knock when it ends and feel completely alone and unwanted.

I have a lot of male friends, some I have met from online dating, I say friends but most are men that would like to hook up with me, some would like to be in a relationship with me but I have kind of friend zoned them or left them on the shelves as back up plans (that makes me sound awful). They all have qualities but they all have bad points that I could not put up with in a relationship. Some I like to eat out with, some are great for a good chat, others I share hobbies with and I enjoy spending time with them, but I wouldn’t want to spend every weekend with them.

Anyone reading the thread about 'What small, dull, mundane things make you love your DP?'....where do these men exist!?

I have a date tomorrow night, we've been chatting for about a week. He seems nice, keen, polite etc. Not sure how much I fancy him as it's so hard to tell in pictures.
I completed (and deleted) Hinge and Bumble a couple of weeks ago and he is the last chat on Tinder (and I haven't been swiping for a while) so after tomorrow I think I'm going to take a break from online stuff. I'm open for meeting people in real life but for the time being I think I need a couple of weeks off. I find it all so boring and hardwork, it definitely gets a bit soul destroying after a while.
I like the idea of dating myself so I think that's what I'll do for a while. At least I know all my dates will be excellent :D

@Eesha I think they might be spoken for. Every relationship I've had since divorce in 2018 was with men who were single for a very good reason (or three)