Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ZoZoBo

I agree with your instinct and would personally walk ASAP and detach/block - there’s casual as in “I don’t want to get married and meet every night and have babies and a new MIL” and there’s casual as in “feeling used and manipulated to prop up someone else’s social life which you’re not part of”

intentionally being in a situation where you feel “second best” and slightly uncomfortable is going to murder your self-esteem long term.

@Bunkbedpeople yes I think that’s it. My self esteem can’t take much more of a battering. If I could do FWB it would be fine but I can’t. I want something that has potential to develop into a deeper connection at some point.
Aargh I’m so bad at this 😂 boundaries being trampled all over the place!
Thanks for your reply

What a lot of updates! I'm intrigued as to the difference between a FWB and FB. I know neither are for me but this new lingo is distracting me!

@HairyArsedMan, I think the not over investing is probably more relevant to me than others because the pool of men I'd consider is so small. If I match with someone who fits the criteria and I find him attractive and he finds me attractive, it's hard not to let my imagination run away with me.

I'm also really direct and honest which means I have to watch what I say carefully in the early days.

Anyway Mr X seems to have come out of his incommunicado spell and is messaging again more. He's recently found out he is being made redundant so I'm assuming it's that rather than me that put him in a bit of a spin. He says he wants to meet late next week but still no date set so we will see.

@TwinkleInYourEye As I’m not popular (read: ugly/crap photos) on the swipe based sites, and don’t swipe right much myself, I prefer Match for at least getting a conversation going. PoF, I guess most hide their profiles because I’ve hardly ever seen one I liked.

I don’t mind taking a look at your profile, will pm.

Yeh “casual” is such a loaded concept isn’t it?

For me (having dipped in and out of dating for various reasons over the years) I’d initially think of it as “let’s not rush and feel we have to spend every second of every day together and marriage or living together isn’t the goal”.

I’m genuinely content single and childfree and my career/travel plans are first so having a “serious” thing would hinder that.

I think often though it seems to be interpreted as “I don’t need to have any consideration for your feelings and basically I’m the kind of guy who is trying to save £150 on a hooker and a hotel room and I’ll book in X sex act for half an hour before going out with my REAL friends and dates ”. I find something quite cold and disheartening about that?

I mean I’m a Greer reading feminist “sexual double standard SHOULDN’T apply” but I think it does in some cases - some guys have the attitude that if you say “casual” that means you have an “anything goes desperate attitude” and completely dehumanise you.

I replied to a (normal looking) bumble match and said I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship (which is true) and immediately the message was about how wet and horny he was and did I live alone?

I read on a dating blog (so take this with a pinch of salt) that if a woman wants casual sex she’s better off starting off as saying she’s looking for a relationship or serious dating?

The reason is most online connections fizzle out after a few months anyway, a woman will get treated better by respectful guys and you’ll get sex within the first few dates anyway.

@ZoZoBo Couldn’t agree more with @bunkbedpeople ... I read your post and couldn’t believe the cheek of the bloke. He’s asked you nicely to be his fallback girl, or is happy putting someone else in that position.

@HairyArsedMan of course you are right. I think I’ve been blind sided by the fact that he was honest and isn’t honesty great but doesn’t mean I have to go with it.
Thing is if he had been more honest on his profile -looking for casual or NSA I wouldn’t have swiped on him so I guess he’s presenting it slightly disingenuously.
Another one bites the dust but I’m learning as I go I guess.

@bathsh3ba
For me a FB is that where it's just sex. My experience being it's not great. The sex is but you are good enough for the bedroom but not for being seen out with!
FWB. I've yet to find out until today after date/drink with a potential. We had a good chat about everything and he appears to be a good sort. It will be interesting to see how it moves on and if there's a difference. He says it's not just about sex it's about friendship. Let's see

Ps to all. Wish we could 'like' posts as some I totally agree with and then the thread moves on too far x

Very new to OLD

Two men I have been chatting to, and have arranged coffees with.

Very attractive, I googled both and both very professionally successful and highly regarded. Most importantly though - both seem so kind and considerate. They are travelling to ME, we are meeting in the afternoon because it suits ME.

I just feel genuinely excited about both coffee dates.

Is this normal for first timers?!

@Decentsalnotime

Why not? A lot of people on OD ARE attractive/normal/professionally successful/polite. It’s just the most time efficient way of meeting dates going. Enjoy!

(It often turns out to be the case that you meet good ones first off as well)

I guess I’ve just read this thread and so many horror stories that I assumed that it would be awful

It could be! Just that first two have genuinely pricked my interest!

MrSmiley definitely bit the dust.

Another new iron asked last night if we could meet up today for a coffee but I couldn't muster the enthusiasm so said maybe next week. I'm torn between giving it a break or thinking what the hell - i might not be meeting anyone that leads to anything but get out and about and mostly have nice evenings out

@Slothmomma I feel the same - called it a day with my most recent iron and I’m torn between taking a break and wanting nice days or evenings out when I’m child free as I have no single friends.

Not child free until weekend after this one so I’ll think about it.

I’m considering taking a break too. I’ve completed Hinge, Tinder seems pointless, I might try Bumble then give it up. I’m on holiday next week so a good time to have a break.

I heard from Mr Sunshine yesterday. Just a couple of texts saying he was sorry for his drama and he wouldn’t have started dating me if he knew at the time. I completely believe him, he is super honest.
I told him not to worry and I apologised as I feel like I took advantage of him when he was down, which he said I didn’t. I was sure he wouldn’t just ghost me so I feel better that he proved me right. Thankfully the only feelings involved in this one were lust. It’s a shame but if it’s meant to be then I’m sure he’ll look me up when his situation changes again.

I still get a daily text from Mr T (I never text him first) which is odd because it’s more than I got when we were dating! That’s well into the friends zone now and I’m happy to exchange the odd text. He said he’s there if I need him for anything, which is nice.

So that’s my update :)

I had a little look on POF last night, haven’t been in there for a while as was seeing Mr Snake (he’s still around but haven’t seen him for a month or so), anyway, POF seems to be very busy, I guess it’s coming up to cuffing season? Lots of new faces and several old ones including Mr skinny who I was dating this time last year. My account is still hidden so I am just browsing and deciding if I want to go back to OLD or not, I still have a few irons hanging around from last time I was in there but none seem to be that available. I would love to find someone who hasn’t got any baggage and has actually got time to meet up at least once a week.

@ZoZoBo I feel the same. I'd kind of like a break from it but I have no single friends (or married ones who want to do galleries/drinks things during their weekend family) so no dating means doing things on my own when I'm child free. Which I do but its not as much fun without someone to chat to and drinks alone just feels sad, like I'm waiting for someone to chat me up.

I think when you have friends who are married or coupled up it's really difficult not to see their weekends as family time so I don't tend to ask them or suggest things, which can lead to very little contact.

I wonder why so many on here are feeling the need for a break ? Maybe the post lockdown/summer flurry is over ? DC back to school, cooler, darker nights closing in.

@Onesmallstep67 from my perspective, I find it tiring, time consuming and mildly depressing. I have met lots of potential FBs (not interested), a couple of friends - one whom offers benefits if I want them on a non exclusive basis - but an actual relationship as a working, nearly divorced, late 40s (but probably more attractive than ever), primary parent of teens? That seems elusive, if not impossible.

Back on here after a couple of weeks hiatus! I have been on two dates with Mr Maths. The first a drink during the afternoon - just to see if we liked each other - and then a meal a couple of weeks later.

I like him and we fit quite well together but there are a couple of things that make me uncomfortable: He only separated from his wife in March - I've been single for pretty much 8 years, he doesn't message very often - although he has had a lot on but surely he would message if he was keen, and he doesn't ask that much about me when we meet 😂

It's such hard work for me to get time away from my kids and work that I just haven't felt inclined to message anyone else or arrange any other dates. I think I probably should!!

@cheerup Totally how I feel!!!

[quote cheerup]@Onesmallstep67 from my perspective, I find it tiring, time consuming and mildly depressing. I have met lots of potential FBs (not interested), a couple of friends - one whom offers benefits if I want them on a non exclusive basis - but an actual relationship as a working, nearly divorced, late 40s (but probably more attractive than ever), primary parent of teens? That seems elusive, if not impossible.[/quote]
That’s exactly how I feel about dating right now, it takes up a lot of head space, not sure I can be doing with the game playing and mind games that come with it. I have a few FWB and that seems more appealing right now, though I get too attached and want more.I also find it hard to find men in my age bracket attractive (I know some are but a lot are not) and a lot seem to have young kids Despite being in their late 40’s.

I’m thinking about Mr Sunshine’s beautiful face today so I’ve joined Bumbl to distract myself :) Actually loads of people to swipe on and already have a few good matches. I’ll keep swiping and then start all the conversations tonight. I’ll update tonight

I've decided to mute my apps. If any of the ones I'm currently chatting with want to arrange dates ill go but if nothing sorted in next week or so ill bin off.

I like getting to go out and even enjoy meeting new people but am finding its messing with my head a bit and not doing much for my confidence. I think I've had a run of strange dates and nothingness ones and then even when I have a great one they don't just say they don't want to meet again but string me along making plans for the next date and then disappear and I havent got the patience for it im finding. Id still like to find someone but at this point just can't see that happening on the apps 😕

It’s odd with breaks isn’t it - I’m a big fan but also I think it’s easy to give oneself too much break and just be out of the loop completely

• I don’t think I got the hang of tinder until THIS YEAR, I was struggling with pof only last year as I wasn’t up to date with the apps!

I also think as I’m treating dating as an emotional learning experience rather than a definite targeted plan, the more dating I do the better.

Even this last dating session I’ve learned a lot about myself, about not getting caught up in someone else’s fast paced lifestyle or job, stepping back and setting boundaries (and realised how much I HATE the mental load)

and that’s valuable to me

I kind of wonder sometimes if the solution is to keep an “open profile” - keep it vague and only respond occasionally to any outstanding looking contacts

MrCountry still messaging from work abroad, coming up with plans for his return.

I think I need to meet and see how I feel when we meet - I have a couple of reservations but thus far he’s attractive, easy to be with, adores me, is genuinely interested and supportive of me and also we’re socially on the same page - 30s and childfree so can do last minute city things etc.

So even though I’m not sure I’m head over heels there’s an argument for exclusivity there this year. I think I’ll float ideas like art gallery visits, days out and see how he responds

But feelings can change so I think I’ll avoid MrSmooth and MrMilitary and just see what happens on his return. And get really fit and stylish and ahead with work to keep my hand in of course

@Onesmallstep67
I'm taking a break for a number of reasons

1. My head is still (ridiculously I know) stuck on The Phantom. I've been on several dates since he disappeared and have wept in the car on the way home because they are not him. I don't know why or how he got under my skin so badly but he did and I need him to vanish before I can move on.

1. I'm not up for standing meeting strangers in the cold, wet and dark.

1. Lots to focus on at home and personal projects which have had little to no time spent on them due to my 2.5 years of back to back dating and short term relationships. I'm planning to emerge in March with a fitter, smaller body, a finished house, and the ability to play bass guitar. Possibly read and write and sew more too.

1. An exercise in self-restraint.

However. I'm already missing having a physical relationship so I reserve the right to U-turn on this at any point!