Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

cravingthelook so sorry you got flaked on. That sucks arse, it really does :(

I reckon it's ethically OK to cushion if your fallback is the no strings attached type, though (and both sides know that!)

I think cushioning/multi dating is fine as long as you’re genuinely attracted or feel a spark or see romantic potential to the people you’re in contact with?

Certainly at my age/life stage it’s quite a “selfish” and unsettled time -for the next few years if I get a work contract in X city that comes first (and I know all my irons are of the same mindset - they’re pragmatic childfree guys with good career paths, I don’t think they’re going to be struggling for female attention if I disappear).

I think what’s unpleasant is picking someone you instantly KNOW you just want “as a friend” and keeping them on hold or breadcrumbing them as if they’re a dating prospect and not letting them move on with their own life? That’s a control/fallback guy thing.

Especially if that person is quite needy/vulnerable/emotional/ doesn’t seem to have loads of other good prospects.

Incidentally I used to be of the “let’s take things seriously soon with one person ” mindset.

But tbh I think that was just projecting my own ideals and desire/craving to Feel Something Real onto what often is a complex emotional balancing act - I normally don’t have issues with getting a boyfriend/exclusivity but I think I was just fast forwarding things without really getting to know the guy?

I'm not into multi dating at all because I'm really fussy and if I did multi date, it would be with many I just didn't see enough in to date properly. What I liked about my current partner so to speak is that he introduced the dating talk early on about seeing others. He was fine with multi dating but not when things had gotten physical as ours had. And I heaved a sigh of relief so as not to go through that particular anxiety. I think it's best to be upfront about it all so each can decide what's best for themselves.

Yeah multi dating for me was horrendous. It didnt stop me getting 'attached' it only muddied the waters. But then, I was intimate with them. I think multidating/chatting pre sex is fine. You have to keep an open mind but then yeah....make a choice.

I’m very much in favour of exploring potential and not being focused on an outcome or relationship status @bunkbedpeople - I feel the same as you about trying to pin what I want on someone else; it’s got to be something they want for themselves with me by virtue of their own needs being met. I don’t want to stigmatise anyone that is doing this honestly via multi-dating.

The problem is that whether single or multi dating, there’s this unspoken knowledge that someone can disappear in an instant, and we have to get to grips with that somehow. If the answer to that is leading others a dance and taking their time and energy, and diluting my own, it feels wrong to me. I’m part of the problem if I take that approach.

I have a date tonight with an iron, I'll call him MrYoung

I usually go for older men, he is 6 years younger than me and is at a different life stage to me (he has no kids and lives a very bachelor lifestyle in the armed forces, whereas I am divorced with dc).
When he first messaged I turned him down because of this, but he has been charming and funny... and is very, very good looking so I've agreed to a date and I'm looking forward to it. I'm not sure that it has legs but I'm just going to enjoy his company (the other option is to sit at home alone on a child free night).
I think a relaxed, no pressure date is what I need after intense MrLegal!

First date scheduled
First date for me in best part of 15 years!

What effort do you go to beforehand? In my twenties I’d have hair and nails done etc

Now?

Thanks

I don't think multidating is for me. Even just managing more than about three off-app chats makes me feel antsy. I wouldn't feel like I was being honest. The downside to that is I have to find an alternative way not to over-invest, which is hard as men I like are few and far between, so when I find one I really want it to work.

I'm going to call the guy I'm chatting to Mr X because he's an unknown. Haven't heard from him since yesterday morning but he does have his kids this weekend and I think they were heading to the beach so maybe he is just in dad mindset.

@Decentsalnotime I have a date this morning with Mr Political And Intense! I wear something I know looks flattering and that I feel comfortable in, but otherwise I don't do anything differently. I've never been a full make up and nails person anyway so I just go as I always am, with a minimum amount of make up and hoping a big smile is enough!

I agree with this @HairyArsedMan

The problem is that whether single or multi dating, there’s this unspoken knowledge that someone can disappear in an instant, and we have to get to grips with that somehow. If the answer to that is leading others a dance and taking their time and energy, and diluting my own, it feels wrong to me. I’m part of the problem if I take that approach

I suspect that me being ghosted was as a result of multi dating and him not being honest about it. I can’t do it and be part of this disposable sweet shop type of mentality that exists nowadays. I am all for you do you so long as there is absolute honesty.
I also don’t have the headspace to talk to loads of people at once.
My date last night was just lovely. I went to it not feeling the best as I was still upset about Mr blueEyes turning out to be a wanker but this guy was lovely -Much better looking in real life-so easy and interesting to talk to. Definite chemistry -we chatted for 4 hours on the date until we were asked to leave the restaurant as it was closing . He then messaged when he got home to make sure I got home safely and started planning our next date and we messaged back and forth for 3 more hours.
I’m keeping my guard up this time: not investing too early, not rushing to sex too soon and just seeing where this goes without pressure.

Zozo I'm so glad the date was a good one for you.

Sorry whoever asked about how long till you started dating - its obviously a personal thing. Some people are quite quick but had checked out of their relationships years before for example. Me - i waited around 18 months/2 years but I was coming out of a 2 decade + relationship where I just had rug pulled so was a mess.

As for getting ready for dates I make sure I have nice nails but have always just done them myself. Like to spend time on my make up just because I don't wear much on day to day basis. Wear clothes that I feel comfortable in (that are still fitting after lockdown 🙈)

@Decentsalnotime have fun on your first date!

@ZoZoBo I'm so pleased you had a lovely date. That sounds fab.

I have another iron - Mr TV. We've chatted a bit. He has sent me his number for a voice chat today. I'm freaking out a bit!! He seems very nice. But I'm always nervous on the phone.

Meeting MrYoung in 15 mins, having a bit of a wobble because of the age difference. I got to the bar early and have had several glasses of wine as Dutch courage (I'm not drunk, don't worry!)

Ugh, I'm mid thirties and have been on countless dates, not sure why this one is any different!

Hi, haven’t posted for a while, came off dating sites but still talking and seeing irons. Have got to the point where none of my irons are really doing it for me or they have too much baggage. I’m wary about going back on the apps as I don’t want it to take over my life again but I’m lonely, winter is coming and I would really like someone to hug.

Part of me doesn’t want to return to dating, would love to just find someone in real life but it’s tricky, I have made a few friends over the summer which has widened my circle a little but not found the love of my life.

Being realistic I don’t think anyone wants in on my life, having teenagers with special needs makes things very tricky, it’s hard to find an understanding man that excepts my way of life and that I find attractive.
Kids are back at school end of the week so I may consider Rejoining tinder 🤔....or maybe not.

@30somethingandstillsingle my MrMilitary is seven younger? Enjoy and keep an open mind

Done a wee bit of swiping and have a few new matches ... will be taking the chats slow.

I definitely think I was played by Mr Planner.

Mr CG is keen to meet and we've been chatting over a week now with no red flags so I'm thinking a quick meet Tuesday evening would be good.

Second date arranged for weekend with MrSmiley 😁

Welcome back @Lovemusic33

Hey @Lovemusic33
I feel the same. Just cranked up my tinder account. I can't quite face it either but I'm lonely too. I'd like someone to hug. I don't have any great hopes of meeting someone either but you've got to be in it to win it. My kids are quite young and I'm quite old and my youngest has ASD etc so I can't imagine who'd want me. Both my daughters want me to get a BF too so I'm giving it yet another go. Might be our turn, who knows...

My date with Mr Political went so well! We met up for 11am this morning and I got in at 9pm Went back to his for a cup of tea and some lovely snogging but I didn't stay because I wanted it to be more than a quick hookup and I didn't want to give him the wrong idea, which I explained before I left. Fingers crossed he's as lovely as he seems.

Whoop to @frocksmock and @Slothmomma! Excellent news!

I’ve got a second date with Mr Sunshine tomorrow and I’ve purposely not shaved my legs so I don’t sleep with him. I know I’ll really want to but I’m not a second date kind of girl, so hopefully the legs will keep me on the straight and narrow! 😂

Livingmybestlife I'm so glad I'm not the only one that does the leg thing 😂 stopped me from allowing MrSmiley to come back to mine on Friday night 🙈

I'm laughing at the legs thing. I don't shave mine anyway but if I really wanted to jump into bed with someone then I do not think that unpruned body hair would stop me!

@unambiguousbeard I also have young DC and one with ASD. I keep dating life entirely separate from home life and I'm very upfront about why this is. I also have ASD, so tend to disclose this upfront too.

11 months and counting with Mr N. He probably won't ever meet the DC but we've met a couple of each other's friends now.