Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Mr Dirty Dancing text me around 11 to cancel the date due to a family emergency. Said he wants to reschedule but we will see if he gets in contact again. I said I was fine to reschedule and I hoped everything is okay

Thanks for the hugs and affirmation that I'm not alone in some of what I am feeling.
Mr V phoned and was totally fine. I brought up last night and apologised because he hadn't actually done anything to warrant the outpouring of my emotions - except in a roundabout way by him generally making me feel a bit out of sync with where he thinks we are. He said no apology was needed and then we chit chatted about anything and nothing. I have had a bit of a nagging thing about our compatibility for a while. He's a good guy but I am still not sure if he's what I need. I think I am frustrated with my life in general though and must not confuse that with him in some way being the main issue. Seeing him tomorrow.

Hello Everyone - I'm new to this - just joined Tinder and went for the 'free' option. Then realised that I couldn't see who had liked me - so bought the 'Plus' option - 17.99 for one month - still can't see who has liked me - so now it's offering me the 'Gold' option - 22.47 for a month. I don't really understand what 'Plus' has bought me tbh - and if I go for 'Gold' will they just debit the additional 4.50ish to make it up to 22.47 or is it 22.47 on top of the 'Plus' cost. I don't like it already - very little info telling you what subscription to get (perhaps I'm being thick though).

I got the 'you are great I'm not ready' text from Mr Planner

It stings, I invested in this one, saw potential. I'm actually very upset today.

Oh no cravingthelook 😔 did he say why the change of heart because hadnt you had a talk and decided you were on same page?

@cravingthelook, I am really sorry to hear this. Your post after the last date was so full of hope for something with him. It's a horrible feeling when someone pulls the rug like that. Seeing as we have been dishing out hugs today, sending one your way. Another one of those occasions when we have to pick ourselves up and carry on. Some times more difficult than others.
Have I remembered correctly that when you joined the thread you were looking for polyamory ? Is that something you feel that you are moving away from? Maybe having more than one iron and source of physical and emotional support would be good (better ?) for a while? I read in a magazine the other day about ' cushioning' in modern dating, roughly speaking having other RS around your main one who you date/flirt/see. I think this is what I have been doing for quite some time in order to stop feeling completely over invested in one iron. But recently I have told a number of my cushions that I am seeing someone and it feels like I am now looking to Mr V for everything that I used to get from various sources and it's putting the RS under the spotlight and maybe I am not finding everything in one place like I hoped I might.
@crackofdoom, I hope you can come through the sadness quickly. You have provided such great support to others on the thread.

Ah shit @cravingthelook thats not great when you have invested. Only good thing is he told you rather than just ghosting. Be kind to yourself today :)
@crackofdoom I’m jealous sounds amazing 😉
And @Slothmomma your date sounds lovely too - sore head is worth it I’m sure
@Onesmallstep67 your life wobble sounds like me. Be sure to take the time to really think through what you want like you say without confusing this thing with Mr V as being the problem or the solution either.

Update from me is it’s over with Mr Blue eyes and I’m sad and annoyed about it as I had invested and he led me a merry dance I feel- I ignored the signs though so annoyed with myself. After making plans for today and loads of Lovely chats last weekend, and reconfirming going away tonight on Tuesday, he has chosen to ignore messages and ghost me
I’m not going to message him even though I really want to know what the hell happened
Anyway I had already redownloaded Tinder and started chatting to a new iron for ages this morning and we have arranged to go to dinner later - I’m not wasting my rare child free time pining at home so I’m getting back out there 😊 I’ll name him if I think I’ll see him again but he has plus points for the chats Asking me out straight away and being willing to travel to me:) time will tell - I’ll do a loo update

@cravingthelook so sorry - hope you have an evening of hot baths, alcohol, or whatever it is you need to comfort yourself right now
@ZoZoBo how cowardly of him! What is the matter with some people?! Good for you though for getting straight back out there. Fingers crossed for a positive update!
Mr Politcal And Intense has been messaging on and off today. He doesn't drive so that's a bit awkward but not insurmountable. No firm arrangement to meet yet but I'm liking his messaging style and getting more intrigued.

to everyone struggling a bit now.

Loving everyone’s good date reports.

My bank holiday is man-free and solo and hoping it going to be quite chill

I’m using the solo time to try to come up with a strong management strategy for developing anxiety issues - not just affirmations and comfort eating and “treating myself”, but serious meditation and yoga discipline.

Tough self love to me

Like the idea of “cushioning”, feel quite drawn to it right now.

MrCountry is due back in October, MrSmooth’s last message is unreplied to so I need to see if I want to pick him up again when I’m back in the city, MrMilitary is never far from my mind.

And two irons who I collected numbers from before I had my break who I’ve put on ice

Good for you Zozo well done on not wasting your night on somebody that clearly doesn't deserve a second thought from you

#tagging fail ! @crackofdoom, you have absolutely no reason to be feeling sad ! You can have too but as a YAY to the naughty FAB shag !!

@ZoZoBo, I am feeling better about things thanks. I have a rare afternoon in an empty house and enjoying the head space without someone wanting something for me.
Sorry to hear that Mr Blue eyes has ghosted. I've got everything crossed that you have a great first date. Looking forward to the loo update!

Thanks everyone I'm going to do holiday prep and a bit of work catch up.

I'd asked him yes, and yes we talked about being on the same page, that's why I thought it was ok to DTD ... which was fantastic and he was 100% into it.
So he's either 1) panicked about how amazingly intense it was
2) he's a damn good actor or 3) he had more than one iron on the go
No he's not actually said why.

I sent a reply, and essentially said I don't understand we talked about this and that's why I felt ok to have sex. He should have said sooner and yes I'm hurt by that.
I was nice enough. I've archived the chat, he's not even apologised.

Polyamory for me was cushioning, getting over pain of divorce, not wanting to get hurt by irons whilst at the same time I can genuinely care for more than one person at once. I did a lot of soul searching and admitted to myself it was so I wasn't overly invested in one person so when Mr Swan was ready I'd be ready too.

Then I admitted to myself I want someone to put me first and be my partner and when I accepted it will never be Mr Swan I changed my approach. Mr Planner was the first I saw real potential in.

I feel battered this week. Between this and Mr Swan I'm feeling very used.

Mr crazy golf is still chatting as is Miss Honey but I'd backed off from both a lot MrCG because he's keen and I didn't want to lead him on if I was going towards exclusivity with Mr Planner and Miss Honey because I think she'll never meet in person.

@cravingthelook i think Mr Planner sounds like a shit person if I'm honest. Time will heal and I don't think you could have done anything differently given what he told you at the time. I would take some time for me time then just get back on. At least he told you rather than disappearing which is something.

Wow some real highs and lows the last couple of days.
and hugs to those of you that are having a rough time.

Reading through this thread is so invaluable for when I finally feel ready to date again. How long did it take people after separating to start dating again and when were you really ready for it? Did you find waiting until the divorce was through was better?

@cravingthelook that's awful. I've also been given that excuse, but luckily it was only after one date. I do find men are such cowards and that line is a very easy way out. It means they don't have to discuss anything.
@Onesmallstep67 a hug from me.

I've got several conversations on the go on Tinder and 2 potentials. I had met one, Mr Distance, on OKC a few weeks ago but he said I was too far away. It's about an hour or so by car. Today he said it was a shame I was so far. I told him we should at least meet for coffee and see what happens as distance isn't a big deal breaker for me. He agreed.
The other, Mr Italian, seems nice. No mention of meeting up yet, but regular conversation and he seems nice.

I’m still swiping as I don’t want to over invest in Mr Sunshine. We text very briefly this morning to arrange a date for Monday. Not heard from him all day and you know what, it hasn’t bothered me in the slightest. No worries about if he’ll disappear, if he’s interested etc. It will be as it will be

Speak of the devil, he’s just text :)

Hi everyone, found this thread trying to stop myself from texting someone and hoping I can join in. My situation is a bit unusual as I am Christian and divorced and intend to remain celibate until/unless I marry again. So I'm looking specifically for a Christian man who shares that commitment. Which obviously narrows the pool of available men but I don't think it could work with a non-Christian as they just wouldn't get it.

I initially tried specifically Christian dating sites but got nowhere. Then tried Match but was specific in my profile.

Currently talking to two guys via text.

One who is very keen but I'm not sure I want to meet. He is 16 years older than me (in his 50s), never married and no kids, which I find a bit odd. From his photo I don't think I would fancy him. But mainly his messages are just boring. I specifically said I wanted to get to know him better before meeting but any questions are answered in very short answers and he never asks me any questions. He just constantly says how beautiful I am and how he can't wait to meet when I'm ready.

The other guy is the one I'm trying not to message. 9 years older, definite attraction to photo, we seem to share the same values and theological viewpoints. Divorced, 2 kids about the same age as mine (not sure about that, would they get on?). But while he says he is attracted to my photos and wants to meet, he hasn't actually set a date so I'm not sure how keen he really is. And I'm trying not to message him to see how interested he really is.

Welcome @bathsh3ba.

Others will give better advice than I, but could you just ask him if he’d like to meet? That should give you the answer the need?

@LivingmyBestLife2020 I feel like I've been clear I want to meet, I even suggested meeting next week and he said yes but he hasn't made any move to set a date or time. This follows on previously from him asking when we could meet and saying he'd check his diary the next day then saying nothing more till I suggested next week.

@bathsh3ba waste no more thinking time. You've agreed in principle, the ball is in his court. Keep swiping/liking however it works on the platform you're on.

Sounds like Mr Planner has been disingenuous @cravingthelook. I wonder if you can slow things down when you meet someone who appears to tick all the boxes ? I doubt you’d miss out on someone dating sincerely. Sounds like a really helter skelter week for you. Sorry to hear your news too @ZoZoBo. Such poor behaviour from the guys involved.

Don’t know how you all do it on the multi-dating front - my life is already pretty full. I’ve not swiped in ages. Got another day out with Miss Terrific tomorrow and I’m content to see how that plays out.

Cushioning just sounds like fallback gals/guys all the way down - it’s what makes dating a nightmare. The less you do of that the better, in my opinion - so much wasted time and hope for the people who are none the wiser as to what’s going on. It’s an arms race and people need to de-escalate.

I agree with @HairyArsedMan. I’m not comfortable with multiple dating personally, especially if some of them are just for fall backs. I only date one at a time as that’s more comfortable to me. I’m still swiping (but not getting anywhere) but id not meet another until I’d done with the currrnt one.

Chatting to Mr Sunshine this evening. He makes me smile but I’m still seeing It as fun whilst it lasts.

@HairyArsedMan and @LivingMyBestLife2020 I agree, cushioning was to try protect myself and that's why I stopped doing it.

Though tonight I feel utterly shit

@cravingthelook, I’m sorry you feel shit. I know it’s no consolation but I felt shit about Mr T for a few days. It’s really tough. Look after yourself, keep talking to us who understand and better times are to come x