Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Talking of accents, My current iron is Welsh, never really thought about whether I would be attracted to his accent or not before meeting, was just a little worried about not understanding him! But found his pronunciation of Welsh places and words very attractive and a bit of a turn on

Mr architect met a person who wasn't the same person as the photos. Not even old photos, totally different human. He couldn't understand it at all and never said anything on the date. Just stayed, talked a few hours and then had to decline a second.

Good news from my date! I wasn't expecting much if I'm honest. The messages have been fun and flirty so I knew if there was no physical attraction we could chat our way through.
Well, what can I say? He was hot! Really charismatic, beautiful teeth and eyes, really well groomed, smartly dressed (he'd come from work) amazing arse. I really fancied him. 3 hours flew by before I had to leave to collect my son. I offered half the bill at the end and he told me he'd already paid when he'd nipped to the loo. He kissed me when we walked to the car at it was a really lovely, slow kiss. He touched my face whilst kissing me and sparks flew!

Could not have been any more different than Mr T.

So there is definitely a physical spark there and I've not had that on a first date yet. I'm going to keep my cool on this one. He's further away so seeing him will be a little more difficult but I thinks good. Mr T was less than a mile away so I expected more. So all good here :)

@supercali77

Arf at MrArchitect staying randomly chatting for a few hours whilst thinking “wtf”, that’s such a polite British thing to do

I think there are some people who will insist on getting social media details/LinkedIn/multiple questions/video calls in advance to “check the other person is who they say they are”.

But tbh as a dating strategy I don’t think this works - I look as good as my photos and have accurate body shots etc, but I find the whole “giving a match my personal details in advance” thing weird.

It has too much drama potential - I’m not on Facebook but the idea of someone I’ve never met snuffling through my contacts and work history is

If we’re meeting in public in a coffee shop the worst that can happen is it’s boring.

I think for long distance meets or where one person has to travel or pay for accommodation maybe a video call or phone conversation before investing the time is needed.

Or maybe if you’re very financially successful and looking for a marriage with someone with a great income you can go through one of those agencies with people being vetted.

@LivingMyBestLife2020

whoop!

In cancelling the dates I've got set up with irons I've never met before so you think a reasonable get-out message by phone or text is 'Really sorry but I've decided to take a break from OLD...'

I don't owe them much more than that do I

I feel a bit bad. I know at least two are stupidly excited to meet me but I'm really not into any of it.

@Ruralbliss I think that is fine, especially if you haven't met yet. I'd feel rubbish too but you don't owe them anything.

@Ruralbliss, I know that you are feeling like you are having a bit of a mixed time of it but do you really want or need to walk away completely?

@Ruralbliss

I’m kind of with @Onesmallstep67 here

If you’ve invested time and built up these contacts, you could just drop a message like:

“Hi, I’m just dropping you a line to say I’m taking a break from the apps/online chats/meeting new people as I’m emotionally exhausted from 2020 and I’m trying to catch up with work and family for a while. Perhaps I could drop you a line again when I’m less exhausted? Rural x”

My 15 min date was with someone I met on Tinder and then totally clicked with on WhatsApp. He was funny, eloquent and interesting. We chatted constantly for a week before meeting. In real life he was extremely nervous, could only ask questions and not keep a conversation going. He found the maintain eye contact either. It was painful. I figured I'd cut my losses. I was very nice to him but told him I wasn't going to waste his time or mine. There was no chemistry for me. He actually said he thought there was!! I thought he was going to cry, but I just knew I couldn't stay and make polite conversation.

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople, @Onesmallstep67 & @LivingMyBestLife2020

appreciate these thoughts. I'll sit on it tomorrow and see how I feel. I've got a coffee/bacon sandwich date with one on Sunday I might go for that but actually dreading my previous Sunday being broken up by driving out to meet someone I know doesn't tick all the boxes.

I like the idea of saying I'll be getting back in touch once I'm feeling less battered.
That's a good thing to say.

Thanks again.

@Ruralbliss it's just exhausting isn't it and although I can see others' points of view, I think if you're not feeling it you won't be at your best.
@LivingMyBestLife2020 so exciting!!! Lots of good news on the thread atm.
@cerealkillah well done for leaving! I spent an hour once listening to a date tell me about every funeral he'd attended that year. That's an hour I'll never get back.
I have a Fab social tomorrow afternoon but I'm not feeling it.... I've spotted him on Tinder and I've also realised I want more than a itch scratched, but I'm not sure if he's on Tinder for hook ups (he doesn't say) or on Fab but open to relationships. We're meeting with FWB in mind but I don't know what to do really. I think my inner Victorian may be in full judgement mode I've just joined Tinder and so far it's going well. One iron, Mr Anarchy, seems promising, and we've talked about going out litter picking as we both like doing that sort of thing. No date arranged yet but fingers crossed as he seems very interesting (though possibly a bit intense).

@frocksmock what's putting you off the fab date specifically. I saw a few who were on both, wanting relationships but on fab to tide themselves over.

@Ruralbliss i always say I've met someone and don't agree with multidating so want to see how it goes. People appreciate you communicating somehow rather than ghosting, even if it's a white lie in your case and you just aren't interested enough in them.

I am in a completely different part of the country for the weekend and tinder is showing me the locals! What a huge difference in single men.

@Wasail - I’m just on my way back from holiday and found the same. I might need to move!

@Eesha I realised that ideally I'd rather be in a relationship than having casual sex or in an FWB situation. At first I thought perhaps I was just judging myself, but I think seeing him on Tinder got me wondering partly about his motives and partly about whether we'd have met up if we'd matched there instead and how that might have changed things - or not. I don't know, it's complicated and I'm confused! Anyway I sent him a message to say all this, and cancelled today. I may come across as being flaky but at least I've been honest and not ghosted him.

My date with MrSmiley was fab although my head hurts this morning

We met relatively local. Had a few drinks in a couple of places and as we were getting on so well decided to go into the city for the evening. Many cocktails and a fair bit of kissing later i finally got home at 4am - nearly 10 hours later 😱😂

He messaged last night/this morning saying he'd love to see me again and I would too but haven't heard so far today so will have to wait and see.

@frocksmock, all any of us can do is what feels right in the given moment. You may decide in the future that casual works for you but clearly today you're seeking more than a passing physical thing. Sometimes I feel like what I want or what I am looking for changes without rhyme or reason. Daily ! Which isn't helpful as in my case it makes me question whether Mr V is the one for me.
Last night after spending a couple of days away with my DDs, driving in terrible weather and constantly being on 'adult duty' ( doing all the ordering food, communicating with the hotel staff, making decisions ) I had a melt down on the phone to Mr V about me and him ! We had tentative plans to see each other, and even though I was knackered I was looking forward to a cuddle. But he was held up getting home by the awful traffic I had also had to negotiate. He did tell me that this was the case but he was going to eat and he'd ring back. Fastforward a couple of hours and he called. In the meantime I had made an ill informed decision to drink a couple of large vodka and after a few minutes of his usual funny chat I found myself silently crying, unable to stop. Which he picked up on and was being sweet in what he was saying. I then start babbling about me and him and all the time I am telling myself to stop but to no avail. He said some very reassuring things about being into me, seeing me as his partner and telling me how relaxed he feels with me, that he can be totally himself which he hasn't found very often before. I think the issue for me is despite knowing him 9 months we're not much further on than last November when we met. He's funny, good company, attractive, affectionate ( when alone ) but I don't really ' feel' like I'm his partner. He's got a fair bit that he's trying to sort out with his life ( house and financial not previous RS or DC ) I guess today I am going to have to explain my tears, some of which were tiredness and alcohol induced. But I'm also going to have to be honest about not feeling like his partner and work out why that is. I have had a pretty bumpy few years and I did take some time out after my last RS ended 18 months ago. I think I need to work on me and getting myself to a happier place without looking for a man to fill the gaps.

@Onesmallstep67 that just makes me want to give you a big (unmumsnetty I know) hug It's hard being a single parent and wanting that feeling of someone having your back, the relief of sharing the load.

@frocksmock, one very unmumsnetty hug very gratefully received. I know I'm not alone in the single parenting role. It can be tough but many of us are doing it - and making a bloody good job of it too.
I am still pretty tired this morning but I know that I am due a bit of a life audit. The last few months have been challenging for everyone. Younger DD due back at school next week, older one to uni in a month or so. Once that's happened I can start to focus on myself. I think Mr V will be fine ( he always sleeps late at the weekend so no word as yet ) but even if my tears and words have unsettled him there's nothing I can do to change that. I think one of the rules is about if having a conversation about feelings causes issues then the RS wasn't strong enough to begin with.

I’m sorry to jump in
All so new to me
4 years divorced and not dated for 15 years

What’s people’s thoughts on hinge?

onesmallstep can totally relate. All of us have had our lives turned upside down in some way by COVID, but for single parents with young children it's been particularly brutal. Maybe once you've had that audit and your new normal starts you'll find there still is a place in your life for Mr V, or maybe not, who knows? Are you able to get away on your own for a few days?

Well, I had a very very very nice meet with the man from Fab- who I will call Mr BigCityBoy - last night. I really love the way he converses, and we had absolutely mind blowing sex. I keep on uneasily wondering if I'm coming down with COVID because I've got a sore throat- then I remember all the screaming I was doing . God, he's lovely, and it reminded me of how, when you're really physically compatible with someone, you just kind of.....melt into each other afterwards, like you're one person.

And.....he couldn't have been clearer that he is NOT into a relationship. But it's good to know that upfront, because it enabled me to put a firm stop to any embryonic feels growing. And I know that, any time I should find myself fancy free, I'm more than welcome back there for another amazing night :)

Meanwhile, I'm off for my date with Mr First & Last in an hour. A walk along the coast path to a pub where his friends' band will be playing. Interestingly, some mutual friends from my village will also be there, so it'll be an unusually sociable second date! I'm open to that, though.

wasail Reveal to us this secret man- paradise location!

@Slothmomma that sounds like an excellent night! Have you heard from him yet? I bet he’s having a lie in.

@Onesmallstep67 another hug from me x

@Decentsalnotime Hinge I think is area dependant. I’ve met 3 guys off Hinge and all have been who they say they are, normal, etc. I don’t get an awful lot of men but there seems to be decent guys on there, at least where I am based anyway. Good luck!

So Mr Replies2Texts, who I am going to rename Mr Sunshine, has text this morning. We text a lot last night and it was brilliant. Loads of effort on his part and such a change from Mr T! He’s asked when I’m free and I’ve told him I have a full afternoon and early evening on bank holiday Monday and he’s asked if I’d like to share that time with him. Absolutely! Although I’m not sure how I’m going to keep my hands off him
It’s so nice to feel wanted. Honestly, I don’t know why I stuck around so long with Mr T. Mr Sunshine shows affection, has passion, is interested, he’s massively attractive to me and he wants to actually talk to, make time and spend it with me.

I think this will be more of a fun short term thing than a long term relationship. He’s said he’s looking for someone long term to connect with, his life is sorted, good job, nice car, own house etc but he’s 5 years younger than me, doesn’t have children but says my child is not a barrier. So for this one, I’m going into as a good time, not a long time and we’ll see what happens.

Livingmybestlife2020 he has now indeed surfaced 😁 he has reconfirmed he would like to see me again so now just need to see if we can get schedules to match