Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@cravingthelook I haven't yet though I'm pretty touchy myself as well! He's autistic so I'm wondering whether that has an impact.

I just re did the quiz: 37 touch, 27 gifts, 20 time, 10 acts and 7 words.

Yes that's me 😁

My love language is 37% quality time, 33% physical touch, 13% acts of service, 13% words of affirmation and 3% receiving gifts.

To me quality time and physical touch go pretty much hand in hand.

Some great updates from people. I am away at the moment with my daughters but I am promising myself a RTFT when I get home later. Particularly proud of @Dancerinthemoonlight for standing firm in your new empowered place.
And lots of great dates with decent irons which is what we all need to hear.

Taking yet more inspiration from this thread I'm on the verge of binning off all 6 of my latest irons as none of them are what I'm looking for.

All seem nice enough in their own way but all fall short of my own personal standards somehow ranging from insolvent, live full time with their kids (nothing against this but as I do too it leaves no opportunity to hang out in a kid-free house), don't ask Qs, segued into sexual talk or just not my type to look at.

I've got three dates lined up so I'll honour those (as discussed they are probably not fanciable to me but you never know until you meet in person) then likely deliver the 'I'm taking a sabbatical from this dating malarkey for the Autumn/Winter...' message if I don't change my mind about them.

I've bought a bass guitar on eBay as figured they universe was telling me something as the last three guys to steal my heart were semi-professional bass players. It arrives tomorrow and I can't wait to start learning a new instrument.

I return to my office next week when schools go back and there's a gym next door so I'm going to join that plus do C25K anonymously in the town where my office is.

I'm actually looking forward to not swiping and introducing myself to strangers for a while!

Hello all long time lurker and loving all the positive stories! Thank you to whoever suggested reading female dating strategy, have now signed up! @Dancerinthemoonlight well done to you for having better boundaries, I myself have (and still do) struggle with this myself.

How do you all get so many matches?? I swipe right on about 1 in 50 that I see, nobody tinder shows me seems to grab my interest...

ByeAshes It comes in waves, I find. This time last year I had pretty much abandoned these threads because I was having no luck- not even managing to get laid ON FAB FFS!! But then the wheel of fortune turned, things picked up....I'd say one thing: your best moment on the apps always seems to come immediately after you've created an account, so create a good profile that's ready to go from the off, steam in there, grab half a dozen good quality irons, then put the app on snooze while you're sorting through those ones.....Sorting through the potato men at the bottom of Tinder can be highly dispiriting

Well, I managed to have an argument with Mr First and Last last night! Basically him aggressively poo- pooing something I was telling him about, without seeming to know much about it. I ended up sending him a stiff make-or-break text, wondering if I'd just talked myself out of a second date. But I woke up to a mega apology and full retraction this morning, so I guess our date's still on....It's still a black mark on his file though, as I can't stand blokes trying to be all clever and oppositional for the sake of a "lively debate"

Interestingly, I have also been messaged by someone from Fab. He and I have previously met as a foursome with Mr Shipwreck and his (it transpires) now ex, but it looks like we're both on the prowl as singles again! I mentioned I was free tonight...and we're on! So much for a quiet evening!

Do you think being close to ovulation makes a difference to how you feel about an iron on a first date? I bet, if they were to do research on it, women in the week prior to ovulation would "feel a spark" for someone far more frequently than at other times of the month. This is why I'm highly suspicious of the "spark", "chemistry" thing. I find it comes and goes, depending on how you/ the sparkee (or Sparky, ouch ) are feeling on any particular day.

(currently coming up to ovulation, with 2 dates in 2 days now arranged. Ka-pow! )

I had a quick lunch time call with Mr Dirty Dancing after he bailed on our call last night. Meeting at 3 tomorrow and he will book a table for us. Not a huge fan of the sound of his voice or his accent but @cravingthelook had told me not to discount him on voice alone.
She also gave me a stern talking to this morning after a huge wobble thinking that maybe it's me that's the problem and that I'm not good enough because all I seem to find is men that are just a bit meh about everything and not overly keen to take me on dates.
I have a feeling that the chat will just fade out with Mr Architect. Talking to a few more potentials but no actual irons or dates on the cards at the moment.

I’m on Mirena though I had a break for a month or so last year - was actually quite fun getting ONE period along with the “feeling beautiful straight after” I wasn’t dating so can’t comment on my sex drive though

@Ruralbliss Break sounds good - the fast pace of swiping can be very emotional rollercoaster!

@ByeAshes

I agree I think the tinder algorithm gives you great matches at times then nothing other times.how are your photos?

I actually read a (silly) article about the most swiped people on tinder and maybe it’s an age thing but none of them actually seemed to make that much effort to meet people for dates - it was more they had tinder as a kind of “social like” app but didn’t fuss about arranging dates

@crackofdoom

Yeh I agree with you on argumentative guys - I see myself as intelligent and am attracted to similar types, but equally it’s just annoying interacting with someone who is quite “chippy” and trying to score verbal or intellectual points all the time?

I want to apply my thinking energy to work or postgrad or making good life decisions, not getting into an argument with a near-stranger.

@crackofdoom potato men I love that saying! You're right, I'm going to tweak my profile a bit and give it another go! Hoe do you feel after your argument? Has it taken the shine off him a little?

@Dancerinthemoonlight what didn't you like about his voice and accent?

I do think you do feel more lovey dovey towards men around period times, at least I think I do!

@Bunkbedpeople I think you're right, some days I get all the people I'm not interested in, other days I get better matches! All of my photos are of me smiling and most are full length so hopefully those are good enough just putting it out there, Im a black lady that's open to dating all races but have a preference for white men, maybe this needs to be put somehow in my profile? What do you think, and if yes how would I put this in a "pc" way?

@byeashes I know it will probably sound bad but he has a strong Essex accent. I don't like the local accent, some people have it and others dont. I was born in Essex but no one knows where I am from based on my voice as I have never developed a regional accent.

@Dancerinthemoonlight that's fair enough, everyone has their preferences! I hope he exceeds your expectations on the date that's interesting about accents though, so many things to consider when finding a match!

@ByeAshes

Personally I don’t like stating any criteria/preferences on my profile (for anything really!)

as I think then you get people arguing with you/people thinking they don’t fit the criteria/people who change themselves or make stuff up to fit the criteria....And a lot of guys ignore the criteria anyway, or see it as a “challenge”? I’d just swipe on who you like and do any filtering as you go along.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Yes I agree on accents - can be a big turn on or turn off

I’m not the greatest fan of MrCountry’s

First meet I registered he was very helpful and nice (swapped cocktails when I said I preferred the taste of his etc) but wasn’t blown away tbh.

But....he’s given good date, communication is easy, we both seem to like doing city activities like eating out and art galleries, and I’m fantasising about reunion sex and would be genuinely sad if he drifts away when he’s back from working abroad. So I’ll just focus on what I do like about him till our next meet

Accents are funny things, I tend to tell irons I have one before we meet (I'm a Geordie). It's not strong but it is noticeable especially living in Scotland 😊

Weirdly most men tell me the accent is attractive to them 😂😂

Mr Travel Writer has a very strong distinctive accent, which at times seemed hilarious but other times a little annoying. Well he's gone do not to worry.

I think I need my my own stern talking to... I'm wanting to chat to Mr Planner. I don't want to wait until Tuesday to see him damn it.

I'm a grown woman FFS I need to get some patience.

Trying to distract myself with work

I met someone for a date a few weeks ago. I lasted 15 mins as there was zero chemistry and conversation was difficult. He also sounded like Charles Hawtrey!

@cerealkillah I’m a soft touch and normally stay for the one or two drinks - maybe I should bring it down to 15min!

@cravingthelook I don’t really agree with playing hard to get but I think too much contact and intense messaging early on can kill things - chill and Tuesday will be here soon

@Bunkbedpeople I know you are right that's why I'm on here 😁

@cerealkillah impressive - my shortest was 40 minutes

Thanks for your opinion @Bunkbedpeople! You make a valid point! @cerealkillah how did you get out of that one

I can’t think of any very significant recent catfish situations for me or I might have thought about bailing sooner!

I do think some people have slight social anxiety and might be a bit awkward at first, especially if they find me attractive and are trying to do the right thing and are nervous

(and in a way I think the really smooth types can be troublemakers down the line/so used to meeting new women they are emotionally detached/trying to push for a hookup and don’t give a shit about how they come across )

I think if someone’s clearly trying to be polite and keep things moving then I’ll stay for a bit and talk about banal stuff even if there’s no attraction.

Some early dates from years ago I think I should have had the confidence to walk out early though!

My preference for accents is Caribbean (no specific Island just the accent in general) followed by French then English RP. Most Caribbean men I have met in my dating bracket have been in the army because of a huge recruiting drive from the Commonwealth Countries about 4 or so years ago.

@cerealkillah I wish I had the confidence to walk out on a date, I sit there and endure a rubbish date that is going no where. I have been walked out on and left with the bill

What weirded me out was the dude who despite being quite enthusiastic and interesting in texts didn’t say anything, basically stared into space, left early...

then messaged me afterwards to say what a good date he’d had and let’s do it again some time.

I've left after 20 minutes before, realised as I walked in he looked nothing like his photos so was already making up a work emergency as we said hello (lunchtime drink) I was so convincingly apologetic about having to dash off he asked to meet again which I declined.
This does make me sound shallow but it was the looks, the lack of height (shorter than me at 5'6) and the terrible dress sense altogether that meant it was a definite no.

It is tough wondering sometimes whether to point stuff out to people like deceptive photos? Do they know they’re doing it?

I met two guys OD who were genuinely nice, gentlemanly, open to dating, good jobs, tall - ticked a lot of boxes for women I’m sure!

Both had very strong unpleasant BO - and I’m outdoorsy and active and natural so I’m not talking a bit of sweat after we’d been for a hike, but like “never learned the shower/deodorant/take clothes out of washing machine” mustiness.

I gave them 2-3 dates in case it was a one-off, but no joy.

I was SO tempted to go anonymous email. Just as it clearly was a small thing they could do that was clearly putting a lot of women off. But I decided it wasn’t my place in the end .