Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Do you all put your job title on the apps ?

What's the general consensus in meeting/not meeting nice enough sounding irons who you're pretty sure you're not going to fancy.

Kinder to make an excuse ahead of the planned date and dob out OR meet and have suspicions confirmed with the slight chance that you'll be proved wrong. And if your gut was right you've got the awkward job of saying 'You're not for me thanks...'

Feels like it might be a waste of time but on the other hand cancelling the date without going on it could have been a great guy and unexpected chemistry occurs

Any thoughts on this modern day dilemma greatly received

@confused000 Not any more!

I did as it's an unusual role and a talking point. Lots of people asked 'what is that?' which a showed me they were paying attention and partially interested but not enough to open Google and find out.

All gone now. I am incognito!

@Ruralbliss, it depends on a number of things. If you don't meet him you may never know. On the other hand going on a series of first dates that don't elicit a hoped for spark can add to the feeling that OLD can be a demoralising pursuit. Have you used your usual screening techniques?

@confused000, I think adding your job title is up to you. You may feel it's important. I don't think I ever put it into my profile but would tell matches that I chatted to. It linked to my hobbies and a lifelong passion.

@Ruralbliss :) my job is pretty common

I keep being told by my RL friends that its a numbers game & to be more open unless there is an obvious deal breaker for you.

I would go on a date with someone who sounds nice even if the pictures don't grab you. You never know.

@Ruralbliss, I’d go on the date. I’m going on a date tomorrow with a guy I don’t think I’ll fancy. He looks ok in pictures but I don’t think he’ll be my cup of tea. He’s great to chat to though, funny, cheeky, engaging and interested. If you don’t go then you’ll never know.

I’ve updated my profiles today. I’m not getting many hits on Hinge, even though there are plenty of people on there and I’ve sent lots of likes. Tinder has lots of matches but nobody is messaging so seems pointless.

I might try a different app too. Any suggestions?

Thanks @LivingMyBestLife2020 I'm inclined to agree. Plus he's very keen and has set up an amazing sounding date bless him.

I think the ideal date is where there has been enough messaging of good quality, and where you like their photos, and feel excited about the prospect of meeting up.

Ambivalence in the build up, not so good. For me that ambivalence usually resides in practicalities - different life stages or distance rather than feeling muted about them as a person. If you have free time and like meeting people, you can meet with lowered expectations and see what happens. I’ve done that a couple of times and still chat and have occasional coffee with them as friends. It doesn’t necessarily have to be awkward especially when you can acknowledge some external issues being at play.

I agree with all of that @HairyArsedMan

I've just had a 'Why don't we meet for a coffee and I'll tell you?' response to my initial friendly chatty text with a few basic screening Qs.

'Errrr because I'm a busy person and sadly don't have the time to meet all the matches....'

Yuck.

The guy who asked me for coffee as his first message just unmatched me when I suggested finding out if we had anything in common before I schedule precious time on a date with him.

I wonder what his intentions were!

I need all your help in staying strong with my boundaries today. Mr EasyGoing got in touch this morning asking why he was blocked and saying that he was upset to begin with. Both explained point of views on what happened, he asked to see me tonight and I said yes.
Now I'm completely regretting it as he never wanted to put in the effort, probably only saw me as good enough for sex but not a relationship as when I suggested a proper date he said that we didn't need to go to all that effort and won't even go out for dinner because 'he cooks every night with the boys'.
I have sent him a text saying what I want out of a relationship or a potential relationship and that if that's not him then it's best to just end things on a positive note but he hasn't read it. I don't want to just not turn up but I don't think he can give me what I want and he made me feel like a horrible person when he jumped to conclusions.

Is match any good?

@Dancerinthemoonlight be strong you are worth more - we all are ! I have had terrible boundaries but I am a changed woman :)

It hurts to walk away when you like them. Staying around causes more pain as he is very unlikely to change. Keep busy you can do better.

@LivingMyBestLifeNOT I have only been on it a week. The people I liked did not like me back and those did apart from 2 didn't answer my message .... so not great up to yet. Although my friend who is in the Midlands is having a great time on Match and was on her 3rd date with a very nice man last night. I have not had the complete low down yet as she has been too busy :)

I am in London and there are a lot more people on Tinder maybe depends on your location and obviously luck ! The theory is that if someone is prepared to pay for a dating website the they are more serious not sure how true that is - jury's out !

@confused000 I know that he isn't going to be the man for me because if you can't be bothered to put in the effort at the very beginning when you are trying to woo someone and show them why you are better than all the other candidates then you are never going to put in the effort.
I didn't think about him once in the week and a half we hadn't spoken when he accused me of doing something that I didn't do. Why on earth did I say I would meet him tonight? What's the point when I don't think he will change. I don't need to show him that I'm good enough because if he can't see it then that's his issue not mine. I'm also wondering if I like him or if it because he reminds me of nearly all my ex's. I can't not turn up but then I feel like a bitch sending a text saying I'm not coming when I said I would

Regarding the not meeting someone because you think you're not going to fancy them: I would say go, you never never know. The bloke I met that I pretty much instantly fell in love with on the spot sent boring messages and didn't look that special....I only bothered going on a date with him because he had a boat . And then I met him, and....Witty, intelligent, sensitive, wonderful, and (in my eyes)incredibly beautiful...I just wanted to jump him on the spot. Sadly, I could never get him to commit to a second date, and ended up having to cut him off for my own sanity (although funnily enough, he has just been on a date with a good friend of mine, who knows him vaguely in RL, and she didn't fancy him at all. How? How?!)

Regarding people finding out who you are from the apps: hahahahaha...Down here, it's best to just assume everybody knows everybody anyway. In fact, if I meet someone and we DON'T have some kind of mutual connection, it's definitely a red flag. Which makes meeting people (especially couples) from Fab very very very interesting, let me tell you....

Also: could anybody tell me what happens when you block somebody on Facebook? Opening my timeline to see millions of "likes" and interactions from Mr Sparky- and also to see him openly flirting with a mutual friend (same friend as above ^) is boiling my piss. Don't want to unfriend him because I did, genuinely, have to contact him via Messenger yesterday- in a group with this same friend!- about something.

So this led to a massive message from him on Signal, about some complicated issue with (another) mutual friend- basically just wanting to rant - also asking how I was, etc etc.....I just replied "Sorry, can't make head or tail of that. Off canoeing" (he's a keen canoeist, as as far as he knows I'm not).

For the record it was a lovely nocturnal paddle to the pub- even though it turned out to be closed- and there was phosphorescence, yay!

Afternoon all
Blast from the past previous old iron then bf for a few months just knocked on my door! Turns out he's moved in behind me and the fence has come down! Total shock from both of us. Claims he hadn't recalled the house when he knocked!! Weird. Exchanged pleasantries. He kind of ghosted me at the time so I'll be following that up over the fence some time!
Small world 🌍

Just worked out that was 6 years ago and my first bf since splitting from ex husband I'm older and wiser now and learnt so much more!

@Dancerinthemoonlight Is the upfront text stating what you want from a relationship part of the female dating strategy advice or just something you’re doing to assert yourself with this guy ? It strikes me as ill advised. Even if they’re decent and wanting it to go that way, they need to know you well too and they can’t/shouldn’t be making promises they may not want to keep ahead of that. I think you need to know what you’re looking for and keep it to yourself until someone is clearly demonstrating they’re meeting that. If they’re not decent, it clues them in on exactly what to say and do to string you along.

@HairyArsedMan it was something I was doing to assert myself with him. It was basically saying for it to go anywhere that he needed to make the effort to travel and see me rather than me travelling to see him and actually going on dates. I won't be doing it again but it gave me what I needed to know. His response was 'ok, just forget it then' told me all I needed to know about him, the is isn't a hvm and how he saw me

That makes sense @Dancerinthemoonlight - hopefully he’s in the unmatched bin now.

@HairyArsedMan he is well and truly in the bin. It was a real test of my boundaries today but I'm proud of how I handled it and that I stayed true to them

Yeah the fds advice on that is as you said @hairyarsedman. You don't state it explicitly

That said I think once you know them a little if they're messing about then its a solid strategy to say it and flush them out.