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Original poster

I've been sent this...

346 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 19/08/2020 14:43

What would you think if you received this from an anonymous facebook profile? Obviously its between DH and this profile.
He says he was just trying to figure out who was messaging him so was being nice to them so they would confess. I think he's bullshitting.

I've been sent this...
OP posts:
Pebblexox · 20/08/2020 15:12

I personally wouldn't know what to think. However why did your husband delete the original thread if he has nothing to hide?

rainbowlou · 20/08/2020 15:34

I wouldn’t know what to think.

If someone messaged me the first thing I’d ask is ‘who is this?’ Not string them along to find out.
Where he said about having to be careful would raise my suspicions.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 20/08/2020 16:10

Where he said about having to be careful would raise my suspicions.

^^This. Why would he have to be careful, unless he has something to hide?

Whatabambam · 20/08/2020 16:21

Why do you assume it's an ex partner? It could be someone who has had an affair with him during your own relationship. That makes sense more than it being an 'ex'. Apologies if this has been said before

toddlingtwo · 20/08/2020 16:30

I was happy to believe she's just a shit stirrer til the 2nd screenshot and the "i need to be careful". Why does he if he's just playing along? He could have blocked and ignored at any point.

You need to throw him out and explain you're only prepared to talk again when he's prepared to come clean and he gets one
Chance only to confess. You have to mean it and be prepared to follow through. If he doesn't sense consequences he will Just ride it out and yes, get mad at you for bringing it up.

If it was just chatting then maybe with time and lots of talking and openness you can both move on from it.

But if he's going to lie, there's no trust and thus there is no relationship.

CleverCatty · 20/08/2020 17:00

@rainbowlou

I wouldn’t know what to think.

If someone messaged me the first thing I’d ask is ‘who is this?’ Not string them along to find out.
Where he said about having to be careful would raise my suspicions.

quite, most people I know would do this or have some curiosity.

that's what i think sadly he's lying and knows more than he's letting on. from previous experience with men etc

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 20/08/2020 17:28

Whats weird is his relationship with this particular ex didn't even last very long, a few months maybe. Although she was engaged to someone else when he was shagging her so neither of them have fantastic morals. And he did meet up with her when he was with me and lied about it (said he was out with his best friend and only admitted the truth when I found a message thread between the 2 of them some years later). It can't be anyone else except her.

I do trust him, although perhaps against my better judgement. He is always so black and white about cheating, he says he never would and tbh he has never given me any reason to think he might. But its a different story when someone is coming on to you and your ego is being boosted.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 20/08/2020 17:30

He says the beginning of the message thread is all him asking who it was but obviously I can't see that.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 20/08/2020 17:37

He said he would never cheat, but would sleep with an engaged woman?
My H told me cheating was a deal breaker and I trusted him more than anyone in my life.
Until he sent me a message meant for the ow.

backseatcookers · 20/08/2020 17:43

Ok so the basics of what you know:

Shagged someone engaged.

Met up with someone he previously shagged (ok) but didn't mention it (not ok) and lied about (massively not ok)

I mean, I wouldn't want to be planning a life with someone who did that stuff. Do you?

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 17:43

What he means is cheating is a deal breaker if YOU do it. Since he was sleeping with a cheating woman it's on his mind.

He so very clearly wasn't willing to admit anything because he thought it could be you, and wanted proof it wasnt you before going any further. But equally it ended in stalemate because if she had more proof she would have sent it. I'm not sure what game she's playing but he's playing the 'keeping my options open' game.

OneForMeToo · 20/08/2020 17:45

Well he was open to meet and didn’t offer than voluntarily himself so I’d say his pissed someone off because he wouldn’t meet up this time but would be/stopped a regular meeting whatever. So now they have sending you proof bit by bit.

His only giving bits as you show the messages you are getting if he had nothing to hide you wouldn’t be finding out new bits via random messages.

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 17:56

I think the only thing you can do a tell him that if he sees her, or she sends more screenshots then you are divorcing him. He's relying on if he's not caught in the act it didn't happen. It's the oldest trick on the book.

It sounds like the software did work but emailed him the screenshots which of course he deleted. Unless his Facebook is linked to an email he doesn't use in which case they may still be there. Or they could even be in his deleted folder (unlikely). But no one deletes Facebook messages.

The whole thing is highly suspect. He clearly has something to hide and I think you will be back here in x years or even months having found something you really didn't want to.

All cheats say they hate cheating. Just like sll arseholes say they are nice. I've not gone out with cheats and have found non cheats tend to not really mention it - they just assume it.

Also when you are in the first few months of meeting someone you go on to marry it's pretty intense and quite loved up. Lots of sex etc. Yet he was having an affair with this girl? Again not the norm IME.

And finally very few men are willing to have affairs with attached women. They do if they are attached themselves and want to keep it as just sex but otherwise not common at all.

I'm sure he's very careful and all that. I know men that only have sex with their affairs in the day. I don't think you will ever get conclusive proof.

Oceanp94 · 20/08/2020 18:01

''Although she was engaged to someone else when he was shagging her so neither of them have fantastic morals. And he did meet up with her when he was with me and lied about it (said he was out with his best friend and only admitted the truth when I found a message thread between the 2 of them some years later)''
And he's never given you any reason to think he might cheat?

Jenasaurus · 20/08/2020 19:02

What is your gut instinct telling you OP. I think I would want him to explain why he deleted the messages and wasnt open with you, and showed you them when they arrived. I mean if you got anonymous messages like that yourself and knew you had nothing to hide wouldnt you share them with your DH even in a light hearted "look what someone has sent me, I have no idea who they are" kind of way. Instead he played a game and chatted with her, even saying he would meet but needed to be careful. Im sorry but there is more to this and your DH isnt innocent, thats only my thoughts, but I expect you will get more and more of these screenshots and bit by bit it will be out in the open. Does your DH seem worried by what she is sending you? He must know she could choose to send you any of the conversation so if he isnt worried, then that is some comfort.

What are you planning to do?

WouldBeGood · 20/08/2020 19:20

@Jenasaurus

What is your gut instinct telling you OP. I think I would want him to explain why he deleted the messages and wasnt open with you, and showed you them when they arrived. I mean if you got anonymous messages like that yourself and knew you had nothing to hide wouldnt you share them with your DH even in a light hearted "look what someone has sent me, I have no idea who they are" kind of way. Instead he played a game and chatted with her, even saying he would meet but needed to be careful. Im sorry but there is more to this and your DH isnt innocent, thats only my thoughts, but I expect you will get more and more of these screenshots and bit by bit it will be out in the open. Does your DH seem worried by what she is sending you? He must know she could choose to send you any of the conversation so if he isnt worried, then that is some comfort.

What are you planning to do?

Your gut instinct is really important here.
Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 20/08/2020 19:26

He forced her to choose between her fiance and him and then dumped her a little while later. That's what he meant by it being his fault. He tells me he apologised to her during these messages for the past and said he acted like a dick (i completely agree btw although he's never told me the full details).

He's actually been quite disrespectful about her but I guess he would say awful things to me because he doesn't want me to think he's having an affair with her! He says why would he want to lose everything he has for someone he binned off years ago.

To the PP who said he probably was cautious because he suspected it could have been me (which is fucked up in itself, I've never given him any reason to think i would behave like that). He of course tells me if she admitted it was her he would have told her to fuck off and leave him alone but I don't believe that at all.

As far as I knew she was in a long term relationship til recently so probably is looking for a little pick ke up and fancied her chances with someone she ready knew, after all that's normally an easy shag isn't it.

OP posts:
Pebblexox · 20/08/2020 19:40

I'm going to sound like a b*tch and I'm sorry, but you're being a fool.
He hates cheating, but would willingly have a relationship with an engaged woman? He's telling you what you want to hear, and he's not telling it very well.
If I were you op I'd run far and fast. He will do something like this again, and perhaps this time it didn't go very far, but next time he'll hide it better and it will go farther.

backseatcookers · 20/08/2020 19:41

@ShrekandDonkey

He forced her to choose between her fiance and him and then dumped her a little while later. That's what he meant by it being his fault. He tells me he apologised to her during these messages for the past and said he acted like a dick (i completely agree btw although he's never told me the full details).

He's actually been quite disrespectful about her but I guess he would say awful things to me because he doesn't want me to think he's having an affair with her! He says why would he want to lose everything he has for someone he binned off years ago.

To the PP who said he probably was cautious because he suspected it could have been me (which is fucked up in itself, I've never given him any reason to think i would behave like that). He of course tells me if she admitted it was her he would have told her to fuck off and leave him alone but I don't believe that at all.

As far as I knew she was in a long term relationship til recently so probably is looking for a little pick ke up and fancied her chances with someone she ready knew, after all that's normally an easy shag isn't it.

Ugh I hate when people do this. How embarrassing to be disrespectful and disparaging of someone he was happy to shag at least a few times despite knowing they were engaged. He found her attractive enough to shag her. And he found it morally acceptable enough for him to do it. Gross if he's now calling her mental / easy / etc - I assume that's what he's doing?
GreenDays557 · 20/08/2020 19:47

I think your husband sounds awful now, I'm sorry. He isn't coming out well at all in your last post. I kind of understand the vindictiveness of the messages a bit more, although she cheated on her fiance, so neither of them are coming out well.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 20/08/2020 19:53

@ShrekandDonkey

He says the beginning of the message thread is all him asking who it was but obviously I can't see that.
How would he not know who it is ? It's Messenger isn't it ?
Buttercupsandroses · 20/08/2020 20:12

Op I think he may have brushed her off why would she have contacted you unless she was angry

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 20/08/2020 20:21

I'm pretty sure I am being a fool so no coming across as a bitch to me. Its been good to get some outside perspective because obviously I am emotionally involved.

And yeah of course he's saying she's mental, ugly etc. I told him he was happy enough to shag her several times to which he replied "yeah mostly in the dark!"

He's admitted if he got messages out of the blue about me he'd be going nuts!

OP posts:
GreenDays557 · 20/08/2020 20:25

Mostly in the dark? But he made her choose between him and her fiance?. He is a prick.

backseatcookers · 20/08/2020 20:27

And yeah of course he's saying she's mental, ugly etc. I told him he was happy enough to shag her several times to which he replied "yeah mostly in the dark!"

So he either 1. Genuinely thought that and still shagged her AND told her to choose between him and her fiancé or 2. Didn't think that and is saying that stuff to you now because he's so stupid he thinks you'd rather he's someone who shagged people he calls ugly than admit he's speaking to someone again who he once obviously found attractive enough to shag.

Do you not have the ick yet OP? I have it second hand just reading all this!!! He's horrible. And such a coward. And a liar!