DH has given me an ultimatum

[tempusername22]

He has decreed that I am obsessed by my phone and said that if I don't address it, our marriage is over as he doesn't want to be married to someone who would rather use her phone than spend time with him. We live in a small apartment a long way from our families, DC have left home. We both work full time. Apart from work, we spend over 95% of our time together (I sometimes meet friends for coffee or book club, he very rarely goes out unless it's a work thing, and those aren't happening right now anyway).

I don't use Facebook, but do use Twitter (I'm a teacher and have made a lot of useful connections through there, including being part of a software development trial which will benefit my school and becoming a tutor for an online course, which has paid me over £1000). I've recently started learning two relevant and useful languages on Duolingo. In the past, I have deleted apps that I felt were too 'compulsive'. I tend to use the phone to read the news or play a short game when we are in the car, but never have it on the dinner table at home or out, but might use it in a cafe if DH is on his or I'm updating the shopping list etc. I'll take it out if I'm hanging around in a clothes shop while he tries something on or he has gone to the toilet in the shopping centre. He says 'Every time I emerge from somewhere, you are on it.' The car and the shops are probably the easiest times to stop using it as I feel like he needs to really see the difference right now.

I don't get a screen time report but I just looked it up and it says the average is 2h 40 mins - bear in mind that this is during school holidays so it would be less if I was at work. I drive to work so don't use it when commuting, but I listen to audiobooks and podcasts when exercising, shopping on my own and when driving on my own. I also have work emails on there plus work and work-related WhatsApp groups.

I've done three online smartphone addiction quizzes, 2 said yes you have a problem, the third said no. I answered yes to do you keep it by the bed, because I charge it there, but we both do. I also answered yes to do you message people more than talking face to face, and that's also yes due to covid and geography and time zones and being at home alone a lot right now.

I'm absolutely prepared to address this, as I don't want my marriage to end. However, I am sometimes using it purely for entertainment to stave off boredom. I'm not a party animal but we very rarely go out in the evenings, so we eat about 7.30 and then we're in our pjs for the night. The tv is always on and we have some shared tastes, some not so much (rugby and police programmes, especially). DH is really into music and I'd rather read, so if we're home on a weekend he will often watch music videos on tv and I will read or use my phone.

I told him that I would like us to have one tv-free night a week and that I don't want to tell him not to watch the things he wants to watch but that if I'm not interested in it I will do something else like read or use my phone. In the row he said at one point 'I don't know what you use it for' and at another that it was due to social media use, which it isn't, and I challenged that because he can't say he doesn't know and then tell me what the problem is. In lockdown my friend lent me a 1000 piece puzzle, which he helped a little with, but also complained that he had 'lost' me to that. I really enjoyed doing it but didn't do it 24/7.

At one point I was almost playing argument bingo - these things always come up:
I earn XXXXXX and that's why I have to have my work phone and be available 24/7
Your salary isn't enough to pay the rent here
Has this been an issue in previous relationships
Has anyone said this to you before
I'm not having another relationship where I'm treated like xxx
I don't need your income/intellect
You're treating me like I'm an idiot
I can manage perfectly well by myself (e.g. cooking etc)
I moved here so that we could spend more time together but not for this

This has been an issue several times over the last few years (we've lived here 2 years now). He accepts that I have gone some way to addressing it but says it's not enough, and that I am not the sort of person who should need to be asked more than once so clearly I don't care. It was a very one-sided row that lasted about 3 hours and involved dinner going in the bin. He's been really short with me the last few days so I guess this was brewing. He left for work this morning and I had a terse 'I'm going' and that was it.

He insists he doesn't want me to feel like I can't use my phone and it doesn't need to be out of reach, but when at home I just need to manage how I use it better. Although I think he is over-reacting, and there are underlying issues from his previous relationship, I definitely do not want this to be the end of our marriage so I will sort it out. I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don't die of boredom on the sofa every night. He said if it's not your phone it's your tablet/laptop, but all of my reading takes place on a device e.g. Kindle or tablet. I feel like he doesn't 'do' anything - apart from the gym, which we used to do together but this is tricky now that every other treadmill is out of use so we stagger our visits at the moment - so once at home if he's not doing domestic stuff or work stuff, there's only the tv. He doesn't read, plays the guitar but very infrequently, and has no hobbies.

Don't say LTB, it's not happening and I wouldn't over this - although he has said I can move out and then I can use my phone as much as I want. He's angry but also said he's very unhappy, and I don't want to be the cause of that.

Sorry it's so long!

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www.gamedesigning.org/gaming/two-player-board-games/

Ticket to ride is fun and non-challenging
Carcassone Castle is 2 player, or Carcassone also works with 2.
Gloomhaven is an adventuring game, and takes hours!
Pandemic has had great reviews.... lots to try.

Hyacynth OP's phone use is not excessive, and did you miss the bit about where she isn't allowed to do a jigsaw either?

Phone etiquette seems to be a thing of the past. I am more amazed now when I see friends put their phones away at lunch/dinner/drinks etc. I have never understood why it would be more interesting than the person sitting right in front of you.

Relationships with anyone in real life is doomed if the phone comes before all else.

What's with all the care home jibes? My dad was in one and it was heaving with activities and things to do, all day, every day. I was exhausted just reading the schedule. Wouldn't have minded moving in myself.

I think there's two separate issues here: your phone use and your DH, and you need to separate them.

I actually have some sympathy with him on the phone use front: I find it incredibly rude when people sit scrolling on their phones endlessly and I would have to say something. Your phone use doesn't strike me as particularly egregious but I can imagine being irritated by it.

But his behaviour towards you makes it clear he's very controlling and unpleasant. The "argument bingo" scenario you describe is just incredibly unpleasant.

I think you have to make it clear that you want some concessions from him in return for reducing your phone use.

This is so weird.

He's not happy unless you're doing something all the time. Quizzes, board games etc?

You only spend 2 hours a day on the phone and he's whining???

When someone is buried in their phone ,they are ''there'' but far from 'present'.

Phones and laptops can be very compulsive.. Can you not spend certain times with him without the phone pinging with messages every few minutes?

My charger broke in the height of Lockdown, and I felt real panic.. Looking at a blank, lifeless screen and realised I too might be a 'little bit hooked' on internet.

It was my only way of communicating with outside world a that time.

2h40m screen tome is very very restrained...Mine is more like 14 hours in Covid era as I have radio or music going constantly ...even on walks.😱

She doesn't sound addicted to her phone anymore than he is addicted to the TV. He has kindly agreed to one night a week off the TV and OP has to suggest games he might enjoy instead.

pointy I think it is excessive, and especially if that is mainly evening use due to work during the day. Nearly three hours would be our evening gone for instance. Every night.

This is like when I went to my dad's down south for a few days. He's my dad. And he had a point because it was only a couple of days and we rarely see each other due to distance. But he and his wife also have a weird dislike of smart phones- maybe partly because she is very controlling and would want to control his contact with the outside world.

It's different visiting someone for a couple of days vs. what you do in your own home.

I'm on my laptop all the time.

It sounds like he's watching TV most of the time anyway.

He wants to monopolize your attention when it suits him.

He's a wanker in arguments.

For me my online stuff is my intellectual and emotional freedom.

It is cult-like for someone to restrict your sources of information/ contact with the outside world.

I wouldn't stand for someone who feels I should entertain him, especially if it doesn't cut both ways.

He sounds stroppy, controlling, and boring. Wouldn't be how I would want to live.

It's perfectly acceptable when the person you're with is in a changing room putting on a jumper (so they aren't even there for that time anyway) to go on your phone.

one of the reasons H and I are now separated, is that he couldn't/wouldn't put his phone down. We'd be having a conversation (about something he was interested in) while he's simultaneously playing a game on his phone. Or "watching a film together" while he plays a game on his phone (while claiming that he's listening to what's going on, and doesn't need to actually look at the screen).

I brought it up during counselling, and he was tbf really quite embarrassed admitting to the counsellor what he did, after claiming that we never did anything together.

It got to the point that we'd be part-way through a conversation, and I'd just stop until he put his phone down, which he'd do with a big sighing performance, and then pick it up again two minutes later, which to me signalled that the conversation was over, and he wasn't interested in interacting with me any more.

I'm not at all saying you're like my H, OP, just that phone use, which might seem fairly insignificant, can turn into a massive massive flare up, when actually the issue is something else entirely (in our case, that H was happy to stay where and how he was for the rest of his life, and I wanted something different. And he couldn't articulate that, I'm not sure that he necessarily understands it tbh). But, I got to the point that immediately he picked up his phone (even if it was for something relevant to what was happening - like your shopping list example ),I went straightaway to MEGA PISSED OFF, which didn't help the whole mess.

2h 40 mins during the whole day in holiday time, she;s not just sitting there on her phone in the evenings.

She's not allowed to do puzzles, he 'lost her' to a fucking puzzle

She's not allowed to play intellectual games and trivial pursuit is not allowed as she will win.

He has his phone on him at all times, but it's important for him to have access to his phone at all times.

He watches crap on TV which she's not interested in, but she must not be on her phone.

He denigrates her pay, intellect and job, and makes veiled threats that she should leave he doesn't need her.

Year he's a poor misunderstood peach of a man.

OP your phone use is not excessive, especially if you are using it for work purposes and learning too and especially in lockdown when social events are still limited.

He seems to have a problem with you doing anything that isn’t sitting quietly and gazing adoringly at him.

If you give up your phone and reading and jigsaws and he still has an issue with you, what will you do then?

The way he spoke to you in your argument shows very clearly that he does not respect you and sees you as someone inferior to him who owes him your full attention and time for him merely existing. He doesn’t seem to care about anything outside of that.

You say you don’t want to leave him over this - why not? Are you afraid you won’t find anyone else? Has he told you he’s the best you’ll do?

Think very carefully about how far you are willing to go to appease him on this. Because this will be a marker for how far he can push you and how much emotional manipulation he has to use on you next time he’s decided you are doing something his doesn’t like.

Controlling abusers always start small to appear reasonable. It’s just a little thing and if you do that he won’t have to sulk or argue when you hurt his feelings.
Til the next time. And the next time.

The people on here telling you you are wrong to be on your phone and he’s being reasonable are either people who have no experience with controlling partners or are themselves controlling.

Listen to the people who can see him waving that flag and decide if this is a path you want to go down.

@pointythings

Hyacynth OP's phone use is not excessive, and did you miss the bit about where she isn't allowed to do a jigsaw either?

I suppose excessive is seen as different for everyone, but it is clearly enough to be causing a problem.

And she is not 'not allowed' to do a jigsaw, where did you get that from??

She has not been forbidden to do anything.

@Friendsoftheearth

Perhaps it is time for some honesty.

You have married an intellectual lightweight that does not stimulate or inspire you at all. He bores you half to death and you have retreated into your phone for relief. He knows it, you know it. We know it.

If you don't have dc I would suggest you consider calling it a day and finding someone on your own wavelength.
A care home is probably going to be preferable to your evenings in just a few years....I can't see how it can possibly improve. You will just grow even more unhappy as the years go by, start to hate each other and resort to sniping and reducing your collective confidence and contentment to zero.

You are not well matched on any level. Particularly if he can't even win a a simple game of trivial pursuit!

This was my take on it too.

You aren't compatible.

I hate it when people's eyes stray to their phones when you're trying to have a conversation. I hate it when notifications interrupt each conversation. It doesn't seem as though this is what's bugging him, though.

He wants your attention all the time; even if he's doing something himself, he wants you to be focused on him.

It sounds as though you have lots of interests and he has very few. Instead of trying to keep up with you, he wants your world to shrink to fit his.

I think your retirement will seem very, very long indeed.

He doesn't read, plays the guitar but very infrequently, and has no hobbies.

And what are your hobbies, apart from playing on your phone?

She has not been forbidden to do anything.

I'm sorry, but that's possibly one of the most naive comments I've seen in a while. OP's situation aside, that's not how controlling people work; they're much more subtle than to "forbid" things outright.

@frazzledasarock

2h 40 mins during the whole day in holiday time, she;s not just sitting there on her phone in the evenings.

She's not allowed to do puzzles, he 'lost her' to a fucking puzzle

She's not allowed to play intellectual games and trivial pursuit is not allowed as she will win.

He has his phone on him at all times, but it's important for him to have access to his phone at all times.

He watches crap on TV which she's not interested in, but she must not be on her phone.

He denigrates her pay, intellect and job, and makes veiled threats that she should leave he doesn't need her.

Year he's a poor misunderstood peach of a man.

This. 100%.

You're not allowed to have a life outside of your DH, OP.

And you're responsible for his happiness. Didn't you know? sigh

Honestly, I wouldn't live like that.

Get a pet? Too much focus on each other at the moment

@Friendsoftheearth

pointy I think it is excessive, and especially if that is mainly evening use due to work during the day. Nearly three hours would be our evening gone for instance. Every night.

The OP said this was a period when she was not at work

A young couple I know have similar phone issues although I think it's part of a bigger problem.

I can't see the women putting up with it for much longer. He seems very insecure and makes belittling comments. He resents the part of her job where she's on call and could be asked to go into work at any time (it doesn't actually happen that often though). She has an important job which she enjoys. He may earn more but his work is less vital.

She also has to downplay her intelligence and watch what she considers mindless drivel on the TV. He demands she watches with him. He insists on accompanying her if she socialises but makes a fuss so they never stay long. He doesn't seem to have friends or friendly relations with his colleagues. Hardly anyone ever phones him.

I'm not sure why they are still together. She seems stifled.

I would LTB if my partner prioritised his/ her phone over me in our limited time together

Get a pet? Too much focus on each other at the moment Then he'd complain that she's paying too much attention to the pet.

I actually think he’s controlling verging on abuseive op ... I have NEVER earned as much as my husband in fact I’ve always earned less than a third/half of his income he’s NEVER used it against me in anyway, even i brutal arguments , I can use my phone a lot as I earn a small hobby income on it ,I know it annoys him when I use it too much but I try to put it away at night however during lockdown he understands that it’s the main way I’ve contacted my family and friends due to me shielding , we both have hobby’s which makes it easier however if we watch tv we choose it together and have very similar interests with what to watch + we have 3 children at home so our situation is different to yours , your husband shouldn’t be jealous of a jigsaw puzzles and 2.5 hours in lockdown isn’t excessive , I give my 11 year old 3 hours (1 for homework at least) and we think that’s reasonable.. I feel he’s gaslighting you into giving up up your interests learning a language and ebooks are a fantastic way to use your phone , please address that you think he’s being unfair as he is ! Also if you don’t want to LTB then find a common interest watch a film , play a game , have sexy time more often , go out together , learn something new together , I do think lockdown has put immense pressure on relationships some have thrived (we have more in the fact that my husband and I have been a United front against the children 😂) , I know 2 couples divorcing , give each other some slack compromise but don’t give up all your interests for a man even if he is your husband! X