He has decreed that I am obsessed by my phone and said that if I don't address it, our marriage is over as he doesn't want to be married to someone who would rather use her phone than spend time with him. We live in a small apartment a long way from our families, DC have left home. We both work full time. Apart from work, we spend over 95% of our time together (I sometimes meet friends for coffee or book club, he very rarely goes out unless it's a work thing, and those aren't happening right now anyway).
I don't use Facebook, but do use Twitter (I'm a teacher and have made a lot of useful connections through there, including being part of a software development trial which will benefit my school and becoming a tutor for an online course, which has paid me over £1000). I've recently started learning two relevant and useful languages on Duolingo. In the past, I have deleted apps that I felt were too 'compulsive'. I tend to use the phone to read the news or play a short game when we are in the car, but never have it on the dinner table at home or out, but might use it in a cafe if DH is on his or I'm updating the shopping list etc. I'll take it out if I'm hanging around in a clothes shop while he tries something on or he has gone to the toilet in the shopping centre. He says 'Every time I emerge from somewhere, you are on it.' The car and the shops are probably the easiest times to stop using it as I feel like he needs to really see the difference right now.
I don't get a screen time report but I just looked it up and it says the average is 2h 40 mins - bear in mind that this is during school holidays so it would be less if I was at work. I drive to work so don't use it when commuting, but I listen to audiobooks and podcasts when exercising, shopping on my own and when driving on my own. I also have work emails on there plus work and work-related WhatsApp groups.
I've done three online smartphone addiction quizzes, 2 said yes you have a problem, the third said no. I answered yes to do you keep it by the bed, because I charge it there, but we both do. I also answered yes to do you message people more than talking face to face, and that's also yes due to covid and geography and time zones and being at home alone a lot right now.
I'm absolutely prepared to address this, as I don't want my marriage to end. However, I am sometimes using it purely for entertainment to stave off boredom. I'm not a party animal but we very rarely go out in the evenings, so we eat about 7.30 and then we're in our pjs for the night. The tv is always on and we have some shared tastes, some not so much (rugby and police programmes, especially). DH is really into music and I'd rather read, so if we're home on a weekend he will often watch music videos on tv and I will read or use my phone.
I told him that I would like us to have one tv-free night a week and that I don't want to tell him not to watch the things he wants to watch but that if I'm not interested in it I will do something else like read or use my phone. In the row he said at one point 'I don't know what you use it for' and at another that it was due to social media use, which it isn't, and I challenged that because he can't say he doesn't know and then tell me what the problem is. In lockdown my friend lent me a 1000 piece puzzle, which he helped a little with, but also complained that he had 'lost' me to that. I really enjoyed doing it but didn't do it 24/7.
At one point I was almost playing argument bingo - these things always come up:
I earn XXXXXX and that's why I have to have my work phone and be available 24/7
Your salary isn't enough to pay the rent here
Has this been an issue in previous relationships
Has anyone said this to you before
I'm not having another relationship where I'm treated like xxx
I don't need your income/intellect
You're treating me like I'm an idiot
I can manage perfectly well by myself (e.g. cooking etc)
I moved here so that we could spend more time together but not for this
This has been an issue several times over the last few years (we've lived here 2 years now). He accepts that I have gone some way to addressing it but says it's not enough, and that I am not the sort of person who should need to be asked more than once so clearly I don't care. It was a very one-sided row that lasted about 3 hours and involved dinner going in the bin. He's been really short with me the last few days so I guess this was brewing. He left for work this morning and I had a terse 'I'm going' and that was it.
He insists he doesn't want me to feel like I can't use my phone and it doesn't need to be out of reach, but when at home I just need to manage how I use it better. Although I think he is over-reacting, and there are underlying issues from his previous relationship, I definitely do not want this to be the end of our marriage so I will sort it out. I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don't die of boredom on the sofa every night. He said if it's not your phone it's your tablet/laptop, but all of my reading takes place on a device e.g. Kindle or tablet. I feel like he doesn't 'do' anything - apart from the gym, which we used to do together but this is tricky now that every other treadmill is out of use so we stagger our visits at the moment - so once at home if he's not doing domestic stuff or work stuff, there's only the tv. He doesn't read, plays the guitar but very infrequently, and has no hobbies.
Don't say LTB, it's not happening and I wouldn't over this - although he has said I can move out and then I can use my phone as much as I want. He's angry but also said he's very unhappy, and I don't want to be the cause of that.
Sorry it's so long!