Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

Have you pointed out the dangers of crying wolf? If he carries on like this, it's inevitable that one day he will be genuinely ill and everyone will ignore him.

If you are fond of him it would be better to leave him, for his sake.
As someone else said, he could be suffering from something so far unrecognised and look at the reaction you are generating against him among people who don't even know him.
You are not helping him and staying with him is possibly going to do more harm than good.

Another vote for writing down every single thing he says is wrong with him "at 9am you had a headache. At 12pm you felt sick..." then booking him a GP appointment as "this isn't normal" and watching him squirm. I couldn't live with that.

Agree with legalseagull plus attend the GP appointment with him, armed with your copious lists. Then when it’s made clear to him that he is in perfect health, issue the ultimatum to the whinging mummy’s boy.

@Ginger89

Mitzik how can it be possible for him to think “no-one will believe me” if it’s only me he’s complaining to? If he genuinly felt THAT sick he would seek help would he not? He’s dyslexic so his texts are hard to read Vodka didn’t “ignore” you atall I’ve had so many responses it’s hard to keep up. The “special surprise” was asking what chocolate bar he wanted from the shop, calm down. Dancing round trying to please him? How did you work that out? I do the exact opposite he wants me to cater to his illnesses & I don’t so

Because the person he trusts - you - is calling him Sick Note?

Anyhow, feeling sick, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and headaches could be suggestive of an inner ear issue, a neck problem or, as in the case of my second oldest brother, multiple acoustic neuromas on his left side.

Any tinnitus? Complaining of dry eyes (or conversely, watery ones)?

People with dyslexia often feel very self conscious with 'smart people' (ones who don't appear to have dyslexia), partly because they've grown up thinking or being told that they're thick as mince. A doctor could easily fall within that category.

I don't know how you've put up with it for 4 years!!

It's actually very sad for him being like that but He needs to get professional help.

Personally, I couldn't be with someone like that.

@MitziK and @YNK I’d be interested to hear what your theories are for what mystery illness magically disappears when a trip to the pub with his mates is on offer (note - not that he can pull together and power through symptoms in a desperate attempt at normality - but that he will skip off to without any symptoms whatsoever)

Whether he has a physical illness or not (seems unlikely) telling him to go to the docs is the way to go.

You could even give him an ultimatum.

@Ginger89

Yeah it really does bore the tits off me literally to tears some days 😩I just looking for advice on weather it’s a reasonable thing to end it with someone who is an otherwise great person

You're avoiding him by staying out all day and staying over at friend's houses, and his behaviour makes you cry, so yes, I would say it is reasonable to end this with him.

[quote Dyrne]**@MitziK* and @YNK* I’d be interested to hear what your theories are for what mystery illness magically disappears when a trip to the pub with his mates is on offer (note - not that he can pull together and power through symptoms in a desperate attempt at normality - but that he will skip off to without any symptoms whatsoever)[/quote]
I don't think it's useful to speculate.
I have nursing background but there's not enough info about this DP to make any reasonable guess.
Why are you are inviting this speculation with so little to go on?
I cannot see how it could possibly be useful since the OP is convinced her DP is malingering.

@Ginger89 i personally do not feel it is solely down to you , if you tell his family about his behaviour. His mum may be a source of his anxiety but you could reach out to his extended family. That should not be a reason for you failing to reach out to his family.

I have lost friends in my 20's and 30's, due to mental illness. Illness that i and others dismissed at the time. I am 50 now, so wiser.

Being " fond" of someone is not a basis for a relationship. Being " in love" is.

You are not in love. You are "fond". Take your DC and build a new life for yourself. Support yourself.

Let your DH's extended family know about his heath anxiety issues so they can out in place an appropriate care plan for him.

If he were my son, i would want my family to understand what he is doing. So that we can all support him. You may not love him, but his family will and they will want yo safeguard their sons mental health in the long term.

Op, i would focus on building a financially stable and independent status of my own for me and my DC. If i i were you,look after yourself and your DC. Focus on you and your child for now.

Leave DP to get help from his family . Build your own independent life OP.

[quote Dyrne]**@MitziK* and @YNK* I’d be interested to hear what your theories are for what mystery illness magically disappears when a trip to the pub with his mates is on offer (note - not that he can pull together and power through symptoms in a desperate attempt at normality - but that he will skip off to without any symptoms whatsoever)[/quote]
Could be the same as my 'miraculous' recoveries when I had a chance to escape the arsehole that was telling me it was all in my mind and I just wanted attention, really.

Amazingly, even with a diagnosis, I still go out when feeling like shit. People have a habit of drifting away if you're ill for too long.

I think I would tell him that unless the ailment is an 8 out of 10 or if there was anything I could physically do to help then I don't need to hear about it. I don't think I would have it in me to sort mocking him (I'm conflict avoidant to a massive degree). There's the risk that everything is an 8 out of ten but then you could point that out as a reason to go to the doctor. Not just he has all these pains but they are really bad pains.

@Ginger89 do you have your own home / independent property OP? I would be inclined to secure mine and my DC's home in this situation , with a view to this relationship possibly ending.

Are you able to retain your original family home without DP?

@Dyrne "@MitziK and @YNK I’d be interested to hear what your theories are for what mystery illness magically disappears when a trip to the pub with his mates is on offer (note - not that he can pull together and power through symptoms in a desperate attempt at normality - but that he will skip off to without any symptoms whatsoever)"

Maybe he is unhappy with home set up. Perhaps he is unhappy in relationship and it manifests itself in illness. Maybe he feels pressure not to let OP and her DC down. Maybe friends supply a well needed break from home unhappiness and the " fondness" " his partner feels for him. Maybe he is unhappy in the relationship but cannot leave and his friends provide a welcome relief , physical pep and make him feel better. Maybe he feels better when he see's his friends because his home life quite literally makes him sick!

Maybe OP should build a new life independent life for herself and her DC alone, as clearly this relationship os not a happy one. It is making them all quite ill... literally!

You could just keep repeating 'I can't help you, you need to see your GP' whenever he comes out with any of it.

Or even 'there's no point going on about it if you're not going to do anything about it.'

Even a psychosomatic illness can respond to meds or therapy. But people won't seek those if it's really not much of an issue for them and they get/try to get something out of the behaviour.

None of you have any evidence that this man has mental illness - not a single shred.
I sincerely hope he finds better support and by leaving him you would be doing him a massive favour OP.

@CoraPirbright

Agree with legalseagull plus attend the GP appointment with him, armed with your copious lists. Then when it’s made clear to him that he is in perfect health, issue the ultimatum to the whinging mummy’s boy.

This is the wrong approach. She is not his mother and no one should be slotting themselves into other people's medical appointments. He is a grown man, and unless he is bothered to take a proactive approach to his health (for her sake at least), then he needs to be left to it.

Too often people lean on their partners in this way. It should not be up to women to 'sort out' their loser husbands, to constantly nurture them, coddle them and behave like emotional regulators. Relationships like this are hard work. It is so tempting for a caring, go-getting woman to try and help their partners in this way, but in doing so they are often infantalising them and creating a rod for their own back for the future. I think some of it is misplaced maternal instinct when the thing they should be doing is distancing themselves.

I'd be writing a journal for a week and noting down every ailment per day. I'd then sit him down and show it to him, tell him it's not normal, and he either takes the spreadsheet to the GP and discusses his problems, or shuts the fuck up.

@Wondersense I don't propose booking a GP appointment for his benefit - but for the OPs! It's to make him realise he's full of shit and shame him in to stopping

It doesn’t sound a happy relationship, so I’d leave. As it happens, i‘ve had two friends with mysterious, multisymptom illnesses that might have sounded like your husband’s symptom array at the outset, but did turn out to be rare serious illnesses. These things happen! But these friends were desperately seeking referrals, medical help - and got the right help in the end. If such a rare illness is the case for your partner, then you telling him that you can‘t live with his complaints and he needs to seek medical advice can only be a good thing. If he won’t, in a sense even if he really was ill that’s no good to you because you do just need someone who can take responsibility for making his life and your life as good as possible!

Yes, I have a brain injury due to a long standing undiagnosed/untreated autoimmune condition which was multisystemic.
I even wrote my symptoms down for doctors many years ago. now I've seen my records and my husband (now ex) was in secret talks with my doctors telling them I was malingering 30y ago. As a result they called my symptoms 'bizzare' and failed to investigate. This list is a clear diagnostic description of the condition.
I was very relieved the bastard left me when i failed his ultimatum to stop being ill all the time. Unfortunately he had ensured i couldn't do that without treatment.

OP - this is how he grew up......and his mum still enables this needy, attention seeking, narcissistic behavior.

You won't change him.
This IS his 'conversation style' and him behind closed doors.

I'm surprised you've managed to put up with it this long.
There's no room for your needs or even any acknowledgement that you exist separate to him....

[quote legalseagull]@Wondersense I don't propose booking a GP appointment for his benefit - but for the OPs! It's to make him realise he's full of shit and shame him in to stopping [/quote]
It's the attending the GP appointment with him that I had the most issue with (which is what Cora was suggesting). I think if she had children with him, then yes, I would understand this approach more, because I think a mother would have a duty to keep the father healthy and alive for her children's sake. However, as a partner....no. It's heartbreaking in some cases (like addictions) but one has to accept that if a grown person doesn't want to help themselves, there is a limit to what you can and should do for them. It really goes against the loving and caring instinct of many people, but I think women all too often end up being the emotional health & wellbeing manager of their partners, much to their own cost.

Can I ask how you would all feel if you abused someone like this then discovered you had encouraged someone with a serious health condition to ignore their symptoms?
How would you feel if it led to serious damage or death?
Would you be able to justify it?