Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

Oh my golly good god, he's only 28?! My DH is 70, so has every right to get a few aches and pains!

Does he ever actually try not to be like this??? For your sake?

I honestly think a person who pretends to faint needs some psychological help.

OP, depression can show in varying ways.

You just need to leave him. It wont get better.

Not quite as bad but my sibling is like this and fucking hell its draining.

A simple "you alright" when you walk through the door (as in hello, yes we are common like that) is met with "No I have a headache and my finger hurts" Thinking they are allergic to the water in their house, adamant they cant eat takeaway because it lands them in bed for days (we've both ate lots of takeaways together) If you dare comment on a pain you are having "My back is really playing me up today I must have slept funny" then you will get a reply about how their back always plays up and they have been meaning to go hospital. You have a toothache they have a jaw ache etc. Even writing this has put me in a bad mood with them 😂 I sound horrible but after years they are the butt of all jokes. We all like to guess what will be wrong with them today ....Toes are too toe-y probably

Just a few examples

Shall I look into depression and some of the varying ways it can show? Those are just 3 of 11 matches I found on whatsapp alone in the last 3 weeks the others are too outing to show but you catch my drift. It is so so draining but then there must be something there because I am still here 4 years on

It could be A MH problem. It could also be that you are with a constant moaner that has learnt being Ill gets him sympathy/attention from somewhere. Sod that you get it through texts aswell, I think I would have a breakdown.

Ginger, the reason why i keep mentioning the mental health thing is that I have experienced this with my dd. She didn't complain of feeling ill etc but had constant body pains. In arms, legs etc. But so bad she couldn't do a thing, she had so many xrays which showed swelling but no cause (so it really was sore not just imagined). Fast forward a year and she is currently in hospital with her now 3rd major depressive episode. It started presenting as physical injuries. When she was diagnosed with anxiety I was near on floored as she didn't show the shows that you mentioned earlier (staying in bed, appearing unhappy etc). She seemed fine to me, but she is most definitely not ok. Its all trauma from past events from years ago. But she got through the day appearing happy smiling etc.

So yes, it could well be some attention seeking behaviour. But maybe there is more to it.

@NailsNeedDoing You actually went to the GP and had x rays etc. That’s not the same as the OPs DP who refuses to get help. It’s the refusal to get help that makes all the difference.

According to the ex, that proved I had Munchausen's. And as the previous couple of doctors had tried to make me take Prozac when I did see them, rather than ordering blood tests, he wasn't the only person. As I'd been forbidden from 'bothering the doctors with your whining' and fully expected the same 'Are you sure it isn't all in your head, dear?' again, I wouldn't have gone back if the last ditch appointment had gone exactly the same as the previous ones. And then I'd a) not be treated b) still think it's probably me and c) drop dead of untreated disease like my father did. Oh, and autoimmune diseases have a known effect upon mood intrinsically, not simply because 'I'm unhappy because I hurt'.

Out of interest, I wonder whether the OP or other posters here would have a complete change of heart if it turned out that he did have something wrong - or would it be 'well, you didn't do anything about it before, so tough', 'you've conned them good and proper, haven't you?' or 'well, I know somebody whose cat's aunty's hairdresser's neighbour's daughter's son's puppy's brother's father had something that sounds vaguely like that and they never said a word or let it stop them from competing in the Olympics, you know'?

If he went & seeked help & was diagnosed with whatever illness then yeah I probably would have a change of heart as then there is actually an issue but since he refuses to get seen weather it be for his physical pain or phsychological then it can’t be bothering him that much? If I’m in pain I take a pain killer & get on with my day I don’t announce it & wait for some sort of acknowledgement or if I’m really really ill I will go to the doctors...like most people would? It’s just a bit bizzare & quite frankly he makes my head hurt ironically

@MitziK you’re clearly projecting your wildly different situation onto this thread. This is completely different - this is a man who just wants a moan but makes zero effort to try medication or see a medical professional; and whose symptoms magically disappear when they want to do something fun (note - not that they’re pushing through symptoms in order to try and lead a normal life)

@isthismylifenow

Ginger, the reason why i keep mentioning the mental health thing is that I have experienced this with my dd. She didn't complain of feeling ill etc but had constant body pains. In arms, legs etc. But so bad she couldn't do a thing, she had so many xrays which showed swelling but no cause (so it really was sore not just imagined). Fast forward a year and she is currently in hospital with her now 3rd major depressive episode. It started presenting as physical injuries. When she was diagnosed with anxiety I was near on floored as she didn't show the shows that you mentioned earlier (staying in bed, appearing unhappy etc). She seemed fine to me, but she is most definitely not ok. Its all trauma from past events from years ago. But she got through the day appearing happy smiling etc.

So yes, it could well be some attention seeking behaviour. But maybe there is more to it.

You do realise that Fibromyalgia causes all of those symptoms you describe your daughter as displaying AND does not show on diagnostic tests. I have Fibro (as well as Multiple Schlerosis) and it's debilitating and absolute agony some days.

It is essentially a neurological disorder which wrongly sends pain signals to the brain when there shouldn't be any. It is also a common cause of anxiety

Fibro can only be diagnosed by a specialist using specialist testing after a GP suspects Fibro in particular.

It's an age old take of the Fibro sufferer - being told it's Psychological by those who don't feel the pain

It doesn’t stop him doing anything though, and how can he even be tested for anything if he won’t seek medical help

I would start a list and add to it every time he complains of something. He maybe doesn’t realise how often he is doing it, and it would be good evidence to take to the GP to rule out there actually being a problem.

Every time he does it, get your phone out and pretend you're about to call an ambulance. If he protests, say 'you sound desperately ill. All your symptoms have me really worried as they are always severe and never seem to go away'
If he carries on then I'd just leave. It's too pathetic to find attractive.

@Ginger89 . Op ,I think if you personally value this relationship than encourage him to seek an initial GP appt with a view to moving forward and understanding why he does this.

That said , you say DH is 28 and you do not share a child. I will make an assumption that you are a similar age OP. This is a lot for you undertake. I understand people get married and take vows but sometimes people change, or their true self appears and this is not often what we committed to. That said we all try to do our best for our family unit. It does not mean anymore we should be committed to someone who has a negative impact on our life or that of our children.

Equally OP you have yourself and a DC to think about. It is pretty clear from this thread that there may be a possible undying mental health issue affecting your DP. The nature of his frequent 'illnesses' would allude to that. You have yourself and a young child to put first here Op.

I appreciate your comments confirming he is a good man, i do not doubt that . I am sure he is a good man.

This really depends on if you want to continue in this relationship and support him on any journey he needs to take to wellbeing? That could be a life long journey, your life long journey also.

Would you feel confident speaking to his mum ? Do you feel she would hear you? It is her son after all and i am sure she would want the best for him.

OP, this is tricky, in my very limited experience of a friend who had this they usually have underlying issues. In the case of my friend example i have given she grew up with her nan, having been abandoned by her mum ( who had alcohol issues and subsequently died when friend was a baby ) and no father. He subsequently died of old age, she visits his grave but she never met him.

28 is quite young sweetheart, speaking as an old bird as i am now. If you are similar age and with the greatest respect this is quite a lot for you take on with a young child.

I would be inclined to speak your DH and explain your concerns. I would also have an informal private chat with his mum, if only to share this burden. My son is 20 and aged 20 or 28 i would want to know as a mother, if this sort of behaviour was going on and affecting his relationships . It would be a concern for me and i would want to get him help. I would not like to think my son was exhibiting this kind of behaviour and i was not allowed an opportunity to help him. We all know these thing's can escalate and i would personally like to surround my son with his. family and support him to get better if there were underlying issues surrounding this behaviour. I would want to know .

Also, as a mother i am not sure i would want my daughter ( i don't have daughters but i am one) or my grandchild living in this kind of environment. I suspect if a young man of 28 is constantly saying he is ill, i would be thinking about how this may evolve in the years ahead and the impact this could have on my daughter and her child, my grandchild.

Do you have a good relationship with your own parents ( mum). Could you possibly confide in your own mum about what is going on and see what she thinks!

No one will judge your decisions but this clearly cannot continue. I would speak to your mum, speak to DH's mum. Then you, as your DC's mum, i would make a decision about where you and DC want to be in the years to follow , based on the support and views from the extended family. If there is no extended family you will need to make a decision for yourself.

You are in a very difficult situation OP. You need to find a clear path.

.

My ex was like that. Always moaning about some sore bit or cold but quite happily away playing football every spare moment he had

@alfrew , exactly!

Haven’t read the whole thread but dd is exactly like this, and it’s anxiety for her, she genuinely has pains and it’s crap to deal with.

Either he’s ill every single day in which case GP, tests, investigations or he’s moaning. He needs to pick.

I think Münchausens means you seek attention from medical people. I think Chronic Man Flu/whingey fecker might be better. It is always possible that he has some kind of food intolerance or underlying condition but he won’t get diagnosed on the sofa (unless he books a FaceTime appointment.)

You don't need any reason to end a relationship ...other than you want to end it. All the reliability whatever qualities wouldn't be enough to mitigate the rest imagine not waking up to that whinging....how much better a day would be because there's no way it won't put a damper on things

Oh come on. This is just ridiculous. You need to start taking the piss out of him every single time. Like the PP who asked her husband what he was going to die of today. He's got into a bad habit and needs to get out of it. The best way with a man of that age is just relentless humour - at his expense. What have you go to lose?

Get some life insurance forms for him. Tell him if he’s that sick you need to protect your future.

I had a series of panic attacks in my early 30s. But I didn't recognise them as such. Instead they manifested as racing heart , hot and cold flushes, dizzy spells, tinnitus etc. Very scary at the time though. I'd put money on that being the problem?

"he’s only 28."
And you've been together for four years, so he's been behaving this way since he was 24. And actually, it's unlikely to have just started when you met, so he's been behaving this way all his adult life and maybe as a child too.

I don't think it's Munchausen's, they actively seek medical attention, manufacture symptoms such as fever convincing enough to fool doctors and subject themselves to all manner of treatments (including surgery!) in order to keep the attention coming.

I don't think it's hypochondria, he'd be obsessively googling to find conditions that could possible create the pains and aches he says he's feeling, the more obscure the better. He'd also be forever at the GP and A&E, demanding MRIs and all manner of test to get to the bottom of it. He couldn't even be bothered to attend an appointment for blood tests, and that was two years ago. Plus you say he rarely takes tablets, so again, doesn't sound like hypochondria.

"A couple of people mentioned the mother...she is a lovely woman truly but I can say she 100% moddy coddled him & even to this day she will fuss & give him the attention he seeks “I’ve got stomach pains” she will respond oh god have you lay down I’ll make you food & get you some pain killers - then she will constantly say are you alright you poor thing."
I hate to say it but - I think this could be it. Your DP has been trained by his mother to behave in this way. Most of us train our children to be polite and pick up after themselves, but your DP was rewarded whenever he performed the sick role. Rewarded with care and attention and food (his favourite foods, given he's not well, he needs his appetite tempted poor little love!). Well what a healthy family dynamic that wasto grow up in!

The fact that you do NOT reward sick role performance yet still he performs it goes to show how ingrained this behaviour is to him. Personally I don't think it's a mental health issue for him, just ingrained behaviour that he still doesn't actually recognise despite you pointing it out. It's normal to him because it's how he was brought up to behave. As automatic as holding a door open.

Before he can change (and at 28 he should still be capable of change) he first has to realise what he is doing and that it is abnormal, and that if he continues to behave in this way then his relationship with you will not survive.

I don't think he has a mental health issue, but I do think he is giving you one.