Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

284 replies

Ginger89 · 17/08/2020 03:40

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

OP posts:
MitziK · 17/08/2020 21:58

[quote Dyrne]@MitziK you’re clearly projecting your wildly different situation onto this thread. This is completely different - this is a man who just wants a moan but makes zero effort to try medication or see a medical professional; and whose symptoms magically disappear when they want to do something fun (note - not that they’re pushing through symptoms in order to try and lead a normal life)[/quote]
What's different about it?

I had headaches, neck pain, dizziness, foot pain, knee pain, stomach issues, back pain...any particular issue could happen randomly at any time, but there was always at least one thing hurting or 'wrong', every single day. My then partner said it was made up for attention. I was also in my mid-twenties. I didn't/wouldn't take psychoactive medication (because I wasn't depressed and I'd already had horrendous side effects from a short course of the bastard things prescribed previously) and red wine with somebody who wasn't informing me just how pathetic and whining I was would provide a happy escape from the pain and constant disbelief/contempt, so I'd drag myself out - after work or after making sure the housework was done, so I didn't get more abuse for 'gallivanting about'. I'd also go out with him at the weekend, as the change of scenery and supportive car seat was something that actually made me feel happier, especially as it reduced the amount of walking, standing or carrying I'd have to do otherwise. So yeah, I could still manage to do anything fun as long as it wasn't particularly physical.

The only real difference is that it was fifteen years ago and since then, I've received an accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment, whereas the OP's partner is probably still at the point of 'nobody's going to believe me if I go to the doctor and say I don't feel right and I hurt almost all the time - after all, not even the missus believes me'.

Roussette · 17/08/2020 22:32

But he hasn't even tried to go to the Doctor's. Not at all.

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 23:05

And he sprints like a professional athlete to the pub with his mates where it all miraculously disappears. That would be the biggest clue of all,

Ihatesandwiches · 17/08/2020 23:40

DP and I have nick named my Ex "Sick Note". I had a tummy bug. He made so much fuss with his cramps he was admitted to hospital. And discharged after lots of tests :-) Some people feed off medical attention. I left him after 3 years of him being more sick than me. I had a migraine. He had a brain tumour...I bumped my arm. His arm was broken.... There is no part of his body left to investigate! I was in labour, he needed help, and ice, and the TV on... Just leave. And let him imagine his illnesses alone!

LirBan · 17/08/2020 23:45

My 17 yr old dd does this and i dont want to be cold hearted but ive started saying "eat better" and "walk it off?"
I dont want to encourage this sick person role.

BilboBercow · 18/08/2020 00:54

OP he won't change. If you stay this will be your life.

Longhairdonotcare · 18/08/2020 00:55

I had similar with my DP although it went a step further, he was a regular visitor at the Drs and twice called an ambulance for himself for chest pains. He was/is a proper hypochondriac and then miraculously recovers.

I ended up having a very frank discussion with him which involved an ultimatum. No discussing any potential ailments, no complaining, no ambulances unless threat to life. Otherwise I was leaving him.

He knew I was deadly serious and managed to turn himself around. He’s still a bit of a baby but the draining daily complaints have vanished and no more decimating the NHS.

I’m in no way advocating false threats, I couldn’t take any more and was serious about leaving if things couldn’t be resolved. I would definitely advocate a proper discussion though.

KatherineJaneway · 18/08/2020 05:43

@Vodkacranberryplease

And he sprints like a professional athlete to the pub with his mates where it all miraculously disappears. That would be the biggest clue of all,
Precisely
SimplySteveRedux · 18/08/2020 05:51

Münchausen normally is for attention, sympathy, treatment from medical personnel and people can be very creative to manufacture symptoms. Is he doing this? (Mother had it before being replaced/co-existing with NPD and psychosis).

incognitomum · 18/08/2020 09:11

Does this affect your dc? What about future dcs?

Shizzlestix · 18/08/2020 10:18

Pretended to faint? Dear Lord!

I would do what I had to do with a child who we thought had issues: tally chart for every time a problem is mentioned. Add details if you can eg stomach ache, headache etc. Is it always different problems? If it’s repeatedly the same thing, then ask him to see his gp for constant head/stomach aches. Show him the tally chart.

I once had to tell a parent her child had interrupted the lesson 17 times with various ‘problems’, all part of a process we trialled. It was literally an attention thing, pretty much unconscious behaviour on her behalf, which stopped once she was made aware.

Grobagsforever · 18/08/2020 13:20

Never mind his sickness the man's texts are barely comprehensible....

Vodkacranberryplease · 18/08/2020 13:40

Why are you crying? Thats the ultimate attention!!!

I said originally to take the piss out of him which you completely ignored probably because you thought I was being flippant. Or didnt undertand how complicated this is. I wasnt & I do.

You need to toughen up & start making him very very uncomfortable with his own behaviour. 'Oh does the poor ickly baby need his mummy then' & DOING things eg he starts - your cue to go to the pub. You dont buy food or cook food for him because 'you are always sickly so theres no point'. Or he gets sick food like bland soup while you have whatever you want.

You go & do fun things hes not invited to because 'whats the point youll just moan about being sick'. He has a migraine..you start laughing at him. You introduce consequences for his 'sickness'.

When he pisses you off you go & do something else that you want to do instead of allowing his frankly pathetic behaviour to upset you. Right now you ARE giving him attention.

Why are you doing 'special surprises' for him & texting him to tell him??? What 'special surprises' is he doing for you? I know...none. Thats right. You are dancing around desperately trying to please him & crying when you cant. Jesus. Just stop it please, for the love of god.

Ginger89 · 18/08/2020 14:45

Mitzik how can it be possible for him to think “no-one will believe me” if it’s only me he’s complaining to? If he genuinly felt THAT sick he would seek help would he not?
He’s dyslexic so his texts are hard to read
Vodka didn’t “ignore” you atall I’ve had so many responses it’s hard to keep up. The “special surprise” was asking what chocolate bar he wanted from the shop, calm down. Dancing round trying to please him? How did you work that out? I do the exact opposite he wants me to cater to his illnesses & I don’t so

OP posts:
Ginger89 · 18/08/2020 14:51

Thank you for your advice kathrine (and everyone else) If I told his mum she wouldn’t think of it as an issue rather she would probably turn up with the first aid box she would just worry the way she has always been with him which would make him 100x worse. Tallied it yesterday & I noted 5 seperate issues in 8 hours.

OP posts:
YNK · 18/08/2020 14:57

He's telling you because he's all out of other options.
What help have you tried to get for him? Eg, have you helped him to write down his symptoms and chronology of ill health.
Have you accompanied him to doctors, or sought any explaination for his symptoms elsewhere?
What evidence do you have that his symptoms are fabricated ie what secondary pay off could be driving this? What payoff has he had in the past for ill health?

Ginger89 · 18/08/2020 15:01

He’s a 28 year old man I shouldn’t have to try to arrange help for him he’s perfectly capable of calling his own gp...which he does not. It was me however who encouraged him to arrange the blood test 2 years ago that he never bothered going to. Probably because he knows it will show fuck all. The evidence I have that they are fabricated is that 1) he will not treat a simple headache with a paracetemol, sore back with an ibuprofen or whatever & 2) the illness magically disappears when he gets an invite to the pub or gatherings as such.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/08/2020 15:03

Have you asked him why? Why, if he's in such pain that he can't do anything with you, he can still head off out to the pub?

I suspect he will tell you that 'going out takes his mind off the pain'. I equally well suspect that going out and doing stuff with you....doesn't.

torquewench · 18/08/2020 15:06

I have an exDP who was a proper hypochondriac - he didnt get normal headaches, they were always migraines or a brain haemorrhages; never normal aches and pains, always broken ribs from falling off his mtb. When I finished with him, he clutched his chest and made "aah" noises and said not to worry, it happened all the time and was it normal for a pain in his arm at the same time - faking a heart attack so Id change my mind🤦🏼‍♀️

BMW6 · 18/08/2020 15:06

Bloody hell OP, just tell him straight that you are beyond tired of his constant whining and attention seeking fuckwittery!

Tell him to STFU or get the hell out. Tell him that he is a pathetic mummies boy and it's high time he stopped being an embarrassing wanker.

Jeez.

StatementKnickers · 18/08/2020 15:09

This would drive me CRAZY. I think an ultimatum would be reasonable.

BlusteryShowers · 18/08/2020 15:11

If I were you, I'd tell him that if he didn't pack it in and grow up I would leave.

I'd then write down, with dates and times, every single time he expressed illness verbally or non verbally (hot water bottle etc).

Finally, confront him with it and end the relationship, making a copy of the list for reference when he inevitably tells his friends and family what a heartless cow I was to dump him for being ill.

YNK · 18/08/2020 15:12

It doesn't sound to me as if you are fond of him, never mind loving
I think it would be best if you both went your seperate ways.

Ginger89 · 18/08/2020 15:16

Torquewench I honestly worry that if I do end it he’d do something simelar. I am fond of him I’ve stuck around for 4 years I wouldn’t waste my time I’m 30, I’m just not fond of the whingeing he does on the regular. I’m giving it a couple more weeks I told him last night after his 5th ailment that I couldn’t take it anymore. Funny enough today he hasn’t had an issue...yet

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/08/2020 15:20

But why would that worry you, OP? If he fakes a heart attack, he fakes a heart attack, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Medical intervention will very quickly reveal it to be a fake.

And you wouldn't be there to see it anyway, would you? You'd be out enjoying your ill-person-free life!

Swipe left for the next trending thread