Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

He's getting advice from somewhere OP, mean men who don't do much with their kids only start doing more because they want to go for 50/50 care which means no CMS. I'm really glad you're going to a SHL, don't be duped into thinking he won't try to financially screw you over. Remember that money matters to him - why would he change his character?

I read your last thread ( with disbelief and horror) I think you should link your old thread OP, your making light of what has actually been going on. You’ve been massively abused mostly financially and seriously, he deserves prison not just a divorce. And you give him WAY too much credit, I think he’s been hiding money for years...

I think you’ll find that you can’t locate the £100 000’s he’s been stashing...

Thank you @RandomMess. I've seen it on a few threads lately, been too embarrassed to ask!

Just read both this thread and your previous thread. He is a devious and manipulative bastard isn't he.

I hope your SHL comes good for you tomorrow and you get some sound advice x

F

I saw this in the Ladybird Book of Husbands and thought of you, OP.

My goodness, @StuckInPollyannaMode this all sounds exactly like my situation, maybe apart from the financial stuff, but otherwise EXACTLY the same. The huffing and puffing is exhausting especially. Stick to your guns and find yourself a better life x

That made me laugh so much @justilou1 - one of my friends has an ex and she refers to him as the sperm donor!

Here is my first thread, if anyone wants to read it.

I'm beyond tired today. He's scaring the shit out of me with all the stuff he's doing round the house - updating the calendar, doing the laundry, taking the kids places and to play dates, buying wellies, labelling school clothes, COOKING FGS. He made a white sauce yesterday. There's a first time for everything. I still carved the chicken mind. He's being very very nice and I think he thinks he's winning me over. He's not, I'm strong and determined.

He also rang and talked at me for 20 minutes yesterday about how he'd failed to do the air in the tyres in his car and was now going to a new petrol station and how did it work and was 50dpi normal and why wouldn't it go up to that and that he needs to go to the garage and when he comes back can I go and look at his tyres as they look normal to him but he thinks he might need new ones so he would go to the garage. I said because it would explode, what it actually says is 35 and psi stands for Pounds per Square Inch, and what you're inflating is a tube inside not the actual rubber tyre. How did he even get to the age of 51 and not know how to increase tyre pressure? Also, is it tyre or tire?!

I haven't told you, but this is a man who doesn't understand clingfilm. I had to get a special clingfilm dispenser from Lakeland cos I got utterly fed up with number of ruined rolls. He also uses the lawn mower like a hoover (lines, for gods sake, LINES) and the other month I caught him using my nice kitchen scissors to do the edges.

SHL in an hour.

Oh - in terms of aims, I don't give a flying wotsit if he gets the house @tribpot- he'll have to pay me out mind, and I'm taking my furniture - at least it would save me having to put it on the market.

I don't think he can do that and live here and pay child maintenance.

I also think he might have been taking advice from elsewhere @LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett - it worries me. I have said to him that he might think he's coming over as caring and involved, what he's actually coming over as is someone who is trying to keep me away from the children.

I'm not getting much work done today. Swimming through treacle.

What he is doing is demonstrating that he was capable of this behaviour all along. Which makes it all the worse that he's only now pulling mr good guy out of the bag. Too little too late.

Agree completely with what Katmarie just said - it’s actually more infuriating in a way: “Look! It turns out you don’t have to have ovaries after all to organise diaries and name labels and play dates! I can do it...I just didn’t want to all this time!”

Cut yourself some slack today Pollyanna - hoping SHL appointment goes well but you’re likely to feel a bit discombobulated afterwards.

Hoping your appointment with SHL went well and that you're doing OK.

Totally agree with PP who said he was very obviously capable of taking on 50% of family 'load' both the mental and physical load. He just couldn't be arsed, regardless of all your requests/ discussions on previous occasions.

Remember that when he complains about how he feels about the split. If he'd given a shit about how you felt, it would never have come to this point.

Exactly these last two sentences! Exactly!

Mind you it's good training! He will need to know all of this stuff and this way he can't pretend to not know - when they visit him you will be able to suggest that labelling clothes etc form part of their fun weekend together.

Wouldn't it be nice to have your career back and watch him slide from being Mr Big to Harassed Dad? Poetic even. Anyway he's got a ton of money stashed so as long as you've found it (and you may not have found it all - yet) and 50% of it all is yours. Plus your furniture. And half of the house stuff.

I wonder if you can ask the SHL whether there's any way that if he were to go away and you were to be burgled or lose your keys that locks could be changed? Pretty bold move and risky. But effective. You don't really want him moping around for Christmas do you?

I do think you are being a little unrealistic to expect him to quietly and gracefully bow out and leave you and the kids.
You have said previously that he is a good dad. Reading the threads, he is not perfect, but no one is and the kids obviously love him and vice versa.
Can you both remember to be kind. I am going through divorce and it is no fairy tale.

Sorry to hear you're also going through a divorce @Weetabixandcrumpets

My number one thing is to be kind. I am being kind to him - it might not sound like it - but I am trying my hardest to be considerate. I'm not going to lock him out of the house.

Discombobulated is a good word for how I felt yesterday after discussion with SHL. She didn't go for his jugular, she was very calm and talked me through what I need to do in terms of steps and process. Realistically we'd be looking at achieving like for like in terms of housing - both ending up in equitable homes - and she thinks given our finances that the house would need to be sold. I need to focus on three things - capital, income and pensions - and these will be divided to achieve an equal position. We're on the borderline in terms of length of relationship and given we have children then we wouldn't be looking at what each of us brought into the relationship, just at the position as it is now, which will make life easier.

She did say if he tries to go for custody based on two weeks of improvement and looking after the kids then the courts would be looking at the history and two weeks compared to seven years isn't going to get him very far.

He even sat down with me last night and helped me fill out some medical forms for DC1 - first time ever. He's bringing me tea and making dinners and starting to worry about what the kids will have in their packed lunches - it's all a bit alarming.

I don't feel anything. It's nice of him to finally help out but it's not going to make any difference to the end result.

I think i need to tattoo the key phrase from what @updownroundandround has said on the inside of my eyelids so I don't forget it!

First counselling session this morning. In which I'm telling him I'm moving into the spare room tonight and he needs to accept that I'm not in love with him any more. That'll be fun.

I would also explain to him that after 7 years it's too little too late that his lack of support eroded the love.

I think you will need to explain clearly that his actions (or inaction) have consequences.

It’s far too little too late. And you just know that it’ll dwindle when he loses interest.

Yep - in fact it will dwindle as soon as OP makes clear it isn't working and she is going to leave anyway.

Counselling session actually went ok.

He clearly, clearly stated that he wants us to reconcile, that we can work through it, that for the sake of the children we need to be a family, that we all need to be together.

I stated that it's over for me and that he can't just say something and it will happen. That my aim is to have an amicable divorce and get to the point where we're co-parenting effectively from different houses. That his sudden interest in being present doesn't take away from 7 years.

I was suddenly starting to waiver then he said that if we can't be together he might as well just disappear, walk away completely, never be seen again. And I thought FUCK YOU, with your melodramatic statements and inability to put the children first, I AM putting the children first.

I'm in the spare room as of tonight!

I always say that to the kids @RandomMess - actions have consequences.

He admitted that he hasn't been present for 18 months really due to work and being depressed / anxious, and apologised for that. Which is something.

Yeah, funny how it's 'for the sake of the children' when he's getting his own way, but as soon as he isn't, he is (apparently) willing to walk out of his children's lives completely. He's pretty far gone if he was prepared to say that in front of a third party.

@StuckInPollyannaMode
He admitted that he hasn't been present for 18 months really due to work and being depressed / anxious, and apologised for that. Which is something.

I wouldn’t even give him credit for that. You’re still giving him too much leeway/credit I think.

Another thing to prepare: I would start asking for more hours at work or looking for full time roles in your profession that pay better than what you have now. Getting a new job make take a couple of months so you might as well start looking now. Hopefully you could get something that starts in the new year.

OMG @tribpot I hadn't thought of it in that way. You're absolutely right. If it fits his narrative as the victim then he'll work it that way.

I wonder what the counsellor thought of us.

@JingsMahBucket You're right. I need to harden my heart. I do, however, run my own company, so I need to secure another contract and that'll get me up to full time. It's not a good time to be diving off to do another position, we have contracts to fulfill. Part time jobs round here are like hens teeth, so I'm better off putting my energy into increasing my day job.