Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

He sounds emotionally manipulative so be very careful not to believe anything said in counselling sessions.

Also, you talk about twenty minute conversations about tyres - my question is why you even engaged in that conversation?

If you knew he was talking shite and that it wasn’t for anything relevant, why play into it?

I’m not saying be uncivil or unfriendly. But you’re still playing his game.

The time to increase your work/income is after financial settlement when he is committed to do x caring if the DC. If you are suddenly working full time and earning more you will not be compensated in the same way financially with asset sharing...

Good point, thank you. It typically takes 18 months to get to the point of signing a contract for what we do - it's a slow burning process. So if I start now then that'll be at least next Christmas - they tend to take a lot of time to come through.

I think I'm still just wanting to be polite @ohcaptain. Also, he's not clever enough to be manipulative - you're crediting him with too much intelligence there . But yes, I will watch myself. It was curious today, I felt very detached.

Sadly, you can be thick as shit and manipulative all at the same time.

All this sudden effort is pure manipulation.

Being polite is fine, and good for the children. Just be mindful that he doesn’t use your kindness as a fool against you.

Suspect the facade of civility won’t last long with your DH when you don’t bend to his will...

What did the counsellor have to say?

Not having a good day today - in spite of my first haircut since February- am just so sad and tired and it’s all so awkward and if I could fast forward six months I would.

Counsellor asked if there was any middle ground given we’re both at opposite ends of the spectrum @Nanny0gg. I had to say no.

He’s still pratting around in socks and slippers and being very cautious around me. Without giving an inch. Still says he wants to do a lot more re school runs and activities. I ate dinner in silence and then read in bed.

Keep wanting to hug the children. They’re getting a bit fed up of it! They’ve gone out with him today and I’m sitting outside Aldi not really wanting to move.

@StuckInPollyannaMode you’re going to have bad days. Probably more bad than good for a while.

It’s important to remember why you’re doing this on those days. Your dc being sick and tired of your hugs just means they’re typical kids and are coping well!

He must think that he can wear you down. Don’t let him!

Is there a friend you could pop over to for a glass of wine? Just some breathing space from it.

Popped over to a friend for a couple of gins last night @OhCaptain! Thank god I did...

Woke up this morning and he wanted to talk.

He’s made the following proposal, in light of the fact that he loves me:

That we live under the same roof, separate rooms, separate lives, joint finances, until the children are 17/18. If I meet someone else and want to have a relationship I can. His rationale for this is:

Both children need us and need to see us as a family. It’s very important to them.

This will give me the support I need with the kids, especially our eldest, who is being assessed for ASD / SEN.

It is the best thing for both of us financially and will allow the children to have all the life extra curricular activities. It will allow us time to save and be in a better off place to split. He is transferring me £1500 towards paying off the credit card and the priority is to get to a place where we have no debts.

He wants me to keep my rings on.

He is moving into to spare room tonight.

He can and will support me with aging parents, having the kids as required.

In ten years time we can go our separate ways and ‘go wild’ knowing we did the best thing for the kids.

Now, I can see several pros and cons here. Not least that he won’t lose face by getting divorced. And it’s much more financial security for me.

But...it’s not a novel. We can’t buy a house we can split in two and the kids sleep where they want and he comes for dinner twice a week but we have our own kitchens. I mean, in theory yes we could do that. It’s all amicable.

What do you all think? I’m a bit gobsmacked to be honest. I guess at least he is starting to think.

I think hes starting to realise you're not backing down and he's scrambling for a solution. But ask yourself this, where in his little plan has he considered your thoughts, feelings or needs? Absolutely the children need to be central to your decision making, but your feelings and needs matter too. And all his proposal does is keep you on the hook for however long. It doesn't offer to address the marriage problems, or the many ways hes let you down.

Essentially my point is its all about him and not about you. He's thinking about himself, and how getting divorced will look. And he's kidding himself if he thinks that set up will be better for the kids. They will pick up on the inevitable tension and discomfort. Far better that they have two happy homes than one awkward uncomfortable one.

Why should you waste 10 years of your life with him ?
You might meet someone and have more children.
Be aware that while you’re still married he could accrue debt that would be on your house etc.
How about getting divorced - so financially split - and get a legal document agreeing who will pay what, and when you will sell the house ?

I think he’ll spend ten years treating you like shit and your children will see that.

I think you deserve not to have to spend ten years of your life like that.

I think your children deserve happy parents who aren’t in a weird, dysfunctional, co-dependent set up that will teach them nothing about a happy, healthy relationship.

His solution sounds great, for him.

I think it would be hideous for your children. God know what sort of adult relationships they would have with that as an example?

Stay strong, I remember your first thread. He is awful.

Oh yes... can you imagine him behaving when you bring your new lover home? Can you imagine him actually letting you leave the house to ever meet one?

Joint finances - this is a good thing to test out. Only when that credit card is repaid in full, all bills coming out of joint account and full equal spending money can you even start to consider this.

I've been in your shoes.

I'd consider his suggestion and maybe agree to a 3 month trial. Might give you time to find your feet - even if you move on with the divorce in 3 months.

Though that takes you to xmas- having split at this time of year myself I might suggest aiming for January not xmas.

Take him up on it. And once finances are a bit better for you start dating. He will soon change his fucking tune.

Why not agree with it for now (or whatever parts of it you can live with or add in your own agreements etc), get your bills paid off ASAP, save any spare money, secure the work things you need and then revisit it later?
Maybe you'll want to stay, maybe not, but either way, you'll be in a better position than now.

Op, can you not see it’s just another attempt to keep you? He’ll have no intention of letting you go after 10 years, and he’ll definitely have something to say if you started seeing other people. A relationship shouldn’t be a contract, staying together for the kids with this fucked up situation (and it is fucked up) will do more damage to them than separating. You’ll have just as much if not more support if you separate as he’ll have to have the kids on their own with whatever contact arrangements you make. Why would you waste another ten year’s with this man?

That is hilarious!!!

It's about the money and him not wanting to do actual 50%...

All about him him him...

He wants to wait until you earn more than him and ignore the years of poverty he has had you in. Then he claim more of the house.

If you divorce now finances tip in your favour.

He can keep buying his head in the sand, the divorce is proceeding either way, time he faced up to it now rather than drag it out with the same outcome.

My exh did this exact same thing OP. It lasted a couple of months of being separated before he got himself on online dating and never looked back 😂
I feel the same way about him now as I did then, he does the bare minimum but in the heart of it all he is a good person and a good dad. We co parent very well together, although I do still do the lions share ; for example he hasn't bought any school uniform yet, and his lovely mum didnt get a birthday present.

I'll never forget that one of his biggest points of argument against splitting was that I was ruining his professional image as a 'family man".
I think he just saw me as a part of the furniture, or as the car he wanted, like 50 inch tv, wife, 2017 Audi, Laura Ashley corner sofa...

I think he’s grasping at straws.

Plus, he’s been a pain in the ass this afternoon which has made me realise it wouldn’t work. It can’t work. It might during the separation process but he can’t hold me to ransom and blackmail me about the children.