Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Thank you @RandomMess, good suggestions. To be fair to him he does do a fair amount with the kids. I go running four times a week and out a couple of evenings for walks with friends.

First time in years I've not put his stuff in the wash with mine this morning.

I'll look into UC / child benefits. I'm on a low income. He's not. It was only recently that I realised how utterly insane our finances were.

You may be told that you cannot claim as you live in the same house but that isn't true. Tell them you are separated and filing for divorce (sounds like financial abuse is part of it?)

You need to shop separately. You could start a claim with CMS and give him 50% of bills excluding mortgage - after all the house equity/mortgage will get sorted as part of the divorce.

All our bills come out of the joint account.

Except his car and the bank loan for the house renovation, both of which come out of mine.

I'm starting to feel like I've been such a mug. A very good friend of mine took me aside a year ago and told me how worried she was that I didn't have access to money, and I brushed it off.

He's also been very funny about me working longer hours. I did everything, all the schooling and childcare, during lockdown. He didn't even do a times table. He worked extremely long hours. Limiting my ability to work.

The irony is that I used to do the job he has now. I now work 20 hours a week, all round school drop offs and medical appointments for our eldest.

Going to have to bite the bullet and start untangling it all aren't I?

Do you put money in the joint account?

If you are signatory on the joint account then move those debts to the joint account.

How is refusing to help with the DC and financially abusing you being a good father btw?

I suggest you speak to WA there is alll kinds of abuse going on...

Sounds like you need to prioritise sorting finances put and fast...

Why does his car payments and the loan come out of your account if he has a lot more earnings than you?
Why don't you have access to money?

I am going through the same as you. I told my husband our marriage was over. He’s refusing to accept this and said he will try harder! I have older children and a young one. The older kids pressured me into giving him another chance! But I know the marriage is over!! I’m stuck now as to what to do next.

By the time the car payments and the loan comes out, I've got £207 for the month.

Historic I suppose. It seemed easier for me to get the loan than him. I can't recall why. But he doesn't treat it as a joint debt, even though that's what it is. As is the stuff on my credit card. I'd love to say it was from me going nuts on Boden, when the reality is it's house maintenance stuff like a new shower hose when it broke and things for the kids and the odd thing for me (like a £25 haircut, I no longer get it coloured as can't afford it) To be fair, he's got the finance for my car coming out of his account.

Now I just want to slap myself.

He does pay for shopping. But I paid £97 for new school stuff for the kids, and then another £28 on stuff they needed - now I've got £100 to get through the rest of the month, which suddenly seems very long.

I'm embarrassing myself thinking about the state I've let myself get into financially. To the outside world I guess I'm a pulled together person who lives in a nice house and drives a nice car.

No, I don't put money in - not regularly. I do if we're saving for a holiday or something. Maybe every 3 months?

He goes on and on about money as if we're poor. We're not. But it wouldn't enter his mind to randomly take me out to dinner, that would always be a Major Event.

He's taken the kids out this afternoon so I can do a big work presentation, and bought them some new clothes. He's not all bad, I realise I'm tellling you the worst things.

I had a thread on here a while back which made me realise how bad it was. And that wasn't even the worst.

My mum thinks I should stay for the sake of the kids because at least he doesn't hit me.

I'm sorry others are going through this too. Big hugs @Millshake01

PS yes I am a signatory, and the house is in both names, both names on the mortgage (my equity enabled us to buy it although he's paid the lions share of the mortgage whilst I've picked up other bills)

Transfer the car and house loan payments so they come out of the joint account. You don't need his permission!

Get your credit card debts paid off, in fact pay them from the joint account...

What is he spending all his money on, is it being stashed somewhere???

Your Mum is being ridiculous.

Can I just say, I know that £200 a month after paying my bills seems like a lot and I'm well aware that plenty of people manage on less. I didn't mean it to sound like a stealth boast or anything.

There's not enough in the joint account to pay off my credit card

I"m not sure what he's spending it on. He's not into gaming or anything. Only hobby is running. Not a big drinker. Thinks that I am (i'm not, I do like a drink and I can occasionally go a bit OTT but then equally have time off it) so likes to police my drinking.

I've been struggling to pay my card off for the past 2 years. It's been a real bone of contention between us.

He finally gave me some money towards it in June. But he can't see the point in WHY I want to pay it off when he sees it as my debt. I think it's crazy to have the cash sitting in an account whilst I'm racking up interest on the credit card. When, if it was paid off, I could build those savings back up relatively quickly.

You're being financially abused. See a solicitor now and get the wheels in motion to put an end to this marriage. You don't need his permission.

Are the savings in a joint account too?

Seriously transfer the loan and his car loan to the joint account and then at least you can pay off the credit card. Can you transfer it to a zero % one too?

If the joint account is suddenly empty or overdrawn perhaps he will see the point.

Stop buying essential stuff from the DC out of your account.

How much of his net salary does he hang onto rather than put in the joint account?

The law is changing in Autumn 2021 to remove the right of the other spouse to contest a divorce and remove the requirement to state and evidence fault on their part. Looks like a much simpler process. In reality he won't contest the divorce as it will cost him money.

Thanks it’s pretty tough isn’t it. Hugs to you also.

You need to do an online divorce petition and go for a legal separation. There is nothing he can do about it.

Interestingly he’s paid on the joint account for a load of kit for the kids this morning. Normally he’d have strung it out til I put it on my credit card and then nagged me about the fact I need to pay off my debts.

Savings are in a joint account. Or his. I don’t have any cash in mine. Well, 21p. Which isn’t going to get me very far.

He knows that I’m becoming harder and more resolute I think.

Erm. I don’t know how much he hangs onto. He’s constantly talking about the need to be careful with money and then goes to TM Lewin and buys shirts for work, or massively over spends at the supermarket. He hates it when I shop as I don’t get the right things apparently. This is because he has an absolute fear of the cupboards and fridge being empty, and can’t see that ingredients can be made into something. It’s embarrassing how much food we get through. He’s even got a stockpile in the attic.

Please transfer those loans to the joint account now.

Get in touch with the companies to rearrange the direct debits, once it's done tell him as a matter of fact.

I’ve transferred one, just waiting for a call back to be able to transfer the other.

I’m so very tired.

Drove past where we used to live today and I started crying. He noticed and said it doesn’t have to be like this.

Keeps trying to hold my hand and it just feels all manner of wrong.

He keeps saying he’s so SAD and it’s so HARD.

Yes, yes it is. And he’s not making it any easier. I guess he doesn’t want to. Still being an ostrich.

Maybe he’s got tons of savings that you don’t know about.