Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

I even said to him I love you, but I’m not in love with you, we’re friends who co-parent and this isn’t a marriage.

He said ‘there’s no difference between the two. And what is love anyway?’

And then he tried to get me to go to bed with him. (We’ve only had sex once since Christmas)

I would stop saying ‘I love you but im not in love with you’ its just confusing the issue and giving him false hope.

My exh kept on saying no when I told him I wanted a divorce, in the end I went out & found someone else, he couldn't divorce me quick enough then.

We don’t have a spare room, unless I put the children back into the same room. Which I don’t think would go down terribly well.

Well no wonder he thinks he can just say flatly no to a divorce - you're not really serious about it, are you? Or you want him to magically sort it out for you and disappear?

Put the DC back in together, see a solicitor and serve divorce papers.

Buy a single bed. Put it into the largest area childrens room.
Start being unavailable. Don't remind him things. Be less washing his clothes. Less organising his dinner. More using the word YOU, as in you(dh) need to get yourself fed, You(dh) need to sort your dentist/barber/doctor/family birthday card etc You(dh) need to spend time with dc alone.
Withdraw all services he won't have after the divorce.
Do not waver. Do not give him wishy washy maybe. Do not give him hope. Agree to mediation as you want to have an adult separation.
It is tough. It is hard. It is confusing for dc.

And for the love of God never agree to any situation involving alcohol.

I agree with the last poster. Share a room with one of the children if they won't share. Sharing a bed and saying I love you will blur lines and reassure his assertions that this is fixable.

Do not continue under the impression he is a gentleman- a brief browse of mn threads shows you that almost all wives think that, and almost all are proven wrong. Don't take that risk- engage a solicitor, start making steps.

You’re all right. I know it sounds daft but I hadn’t thought about it.

It’s not that I want him to disappear magically (although that would be nice and if I could fast forward the next six months I would)

We do actually have a pair of single beds up in the attic - I could relocate up there (but no bathroom!) but will need a fair bit of sorting out. Would be good notice of my intentions I guess- and also useful towards the house sale.

We’re at my parents this week. He insisted on coming as he didn’t want to be apart from the kids. They’re putting on a brilliant act that they don’t know, but have put us into the smallest double bed - all rather awkward

Drove up in silence and as you can tell from the time I’m not sleeping very well...

It might just be the way it reads OP, but it's almost like you're trying to write this as a sitcom and everything's a bit tongue in cheek.

Ultimately if you want a divorce and you're completely certain of that then you need to start being clear. No, he can't come to your parents with you. Yes, a divorce is going to be happening. And get yourself into gear and sort out the bloody loft. In the meantime, you sleep on the sofa not with him, no ifs or buts.

but will need a fair bit of sorting

But surely worth it to speak your mind very visually to your STBEX

Ultimately if you want a divorce and you're completely certain of that then you need to start being clear. No, he can't come to your parents with you. Yes, a divorce is going to be happening. And get yourself into gear and sort out the bloody loft. In the meantime, you sleep on the sofa not with him, no ifs or buts.

This

Stop messing around and get on with it

Why are your parents pretending they don't know

Once you have told your STBXH then tell the DC, tell him he can either do it with you or you will do it on your own.

It is very unkind on the DC that these games are going on, they will be picking up that things aren't ok.

We do actually have a pair of single beds up in the attic - I could relocate up there (but no bathroom!) but will need a fair bit of sorting out. Would be good notice of my intentions I guess- and also useful towards the house sale.

Do it. And tell your parents, ffs, especially as they seem to be aware anyway.

You need to start divorce proceedings with a solicitor. Whether he agrees or not is irrelevant ( except for how long divorce will take).

Start divorce proceedings and move kids into same room so you have your own bedroom. Your DC need to know you are getting divorced at some point, and your H will have to realise that you are officially separating ( even when living in same house).

I know this will cause some upset, but I can't see another way of you actually getting what you want. Getting the divorce will obviously take time, but if you continue to share the same bed and nothing actually changes, you're giving him hope that he will stay married to you, so he will continue to refuse.

It's not a soap opera, I'm afraid, I'm taking this very seriously. I'm trying not to be a cow and that might be muddling it up.

I've decided I'm going to put the kids back together and move into what was the spare room - no need to martyr myself.

I've booked to see a solicitor next Friday.

My parents now know.

I'm having constant sudden realisations of things and events over the past eight years. It's an eye opener.

It sounds like your DH perhaps isn't very nice or fair.

Yes you should be fair but it sounds like he is going to be unfair and unpleasant. Glad you have booked an appointment but I highly recommend that you ask around for solicitor recommendations - ones that got their clients an appropriate/good settlement for their circumstances especially when dealing with a difficult ex.

By telling the DC he can't use it as a threat against you, also if your H starts badmouthing you it will only demonstrate to the DC why you are divorcing.

Age appropriate truth is key, don't assassinate but "we aren't able to be kind to each other so we need to live apart" or similar.

Thanks @RandomMess, it's a SHL who has been recommended by two recently divorced acquaintances, so at least that one is covered off!

I've realised I can't get a mortgage as my business hasn't been going for 3 years, so at least I can stop haunting Rightmove (except for rental) and will try to see that as an opportunity.

He is nice. I really don't think he will be unfair, but it might all get a bit unpleasant. He is boring. Pernickity. Tedious mansplainer. Owner of world's largest forehead and a mouth he purses like he's sucking a lemon.

Oh, and I said I wasn't going to badmouth him!!

My dad said, of all the reasons you gave us, I'd have thought his relentless negativity would be top of the list, but it didn't even make the top 5.

Damned with faint praise.

Bloody hell OP, your STBEXH sounds exactly like mine!!

If he has bern divorced before he might feel more sensitive so could you keep phrase it as separating. Does he have other children?

Is there anything he can do? In some ways I relate to his thought process, 10 years is often when marriages get stale and need a wake up. You say you love him but your earlier statements imply you don't like him. If that's the case and it has bedn ongoing, not just recent times which due to lockdown has exaggerated emotions

Don't be in a rush to move out, the DC need to be housed! Perhaps he is in a better position to fund renting for a while etc?

We’re now in the stage where literally everything he says Or does is driving me up the wall. But I’m keeping a lid on it for the greater good. I’m fond of him. In the same way you’d be fond of an elderly dog that’s been part of your family life but now irritates you by weeing everywhere and smelling.

I think it’s starting to sink in for him now. Much sighing and talk of not sleeping.

Mediation next Thursday. Counsellor well aware of how I feel but obviously there’s two sides to every story.

He has a child from his first marriage, now nearly grown up, who is lovely but we’re not that involved with and rarely see due to a complex situation. He’s always paid his way and offered support.

It’s not recent. We’ve have a really hard three years and the last two, when I look back, I’ve been trying to fix it.

It’ll be a cold day in hell before he moves out - you’re all right, I need to separate in the house.

Keep repeating in my head, be civil, be civil

Stop doing his cooking, cleaning, laundry.

If you are on a low income you can make a UC claim as a single parent provided you are living separately within the same house.

At least lock down is over so ensure that you get out in the evenings/weekends/when he isn't working so that he gets plenty of time caring for the DC on his own without you sorting it all out.

Calendar up and write down when you are out/unavailable. When it is your/his time to care for the DC.