Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

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I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

Ah. He does have an angle. You know he aims to wear you down. One day he may try and influence the children to that end.

I would ask that you assume one day you will need to, and take care of your children. You do not really know what he will do in the future, and he has much control over you with the current arrangements. Be clever and plan to leave, please.

you are at so much risk.

Please contact womens aid or the national domestic violence helpline.

He wants to move back in, this is hell.

Please don't absorb all of the opinions on this thread blaming women whilst claiming not to.

I know what it is like to stand at the bottom of that waterfall trying to stop the flow.

You need a network who understand DV and can help you. Others opinions are irrelevant.

Most of all, trust your survival instincts whilst seeking help.

He wants us to live together again, but I don’t want to

He will soon start to push more,guilt and threaten you into going back. Stay strong.
There's nothing weak about you. You're just trying to protect your children the best you can in the awful situation you are in.

People have no idea.

@Hatemyhusband I completely understand. In a similar situation myself. You are one of the strongest women. Don't forget it

I watched the BBC documentary on DV survivors last night and my stomach had been in knots since. I can’t believe the horror that some women are subjected to. We can never ever even come close to understanding what that must be like to endure unless we have lived through that. Someone telling you today is the last day you will ever see daylight, being raped over 100 times since lockdown began and fearing for your life if you even try to leave the family home. The women aren’t choosing to stay. No one would CHOOSE to be raped in excess of 100 times. They are forced, threatened, coerced and tortured. Victim blaming must stop and it must stop now.
I am furious that this is so common. In the first three weeks of lockdown 11 women, two children and 1 man were all murdered in the UK by their loved ones.
This is a terrible and disgusting problem and our government is failing to protect the most vulnerable people in our society. Blame the government, blame the disgusting men that commit these horrific crimes, but don’t blame these poor women.

So many reasons, made to feel like survival depends on him. Which in some cases it does; the timeframe around leaving is very, very dangerous statistically.

In my case, it was because each time he hit me, it was so bad and so much worse than the last time, he would apologise profusely for, and I would think 'he's realised how much he's overstepped the mark this time, maybe he'll learn to never do it again'.

I would be interested in hearing what those of you who know more about this than me think of the following. It’s clear that there are many reasons why women get stuck in abusive relationships: fear, financial etc. However, I have often been a little mystified at the many posters who narrate awful tales of verbal or physical abuse and then go on to say that they love the perpetrator. I can understand this if the abuser is one’s child, but not otherwise. Maybe I’m odd or am blessed with heathy self esteem from good parents but I don’t think I would love anyone who treated me this badly. It seems to me that the healthy reaction is anger and strong dislike or hatred of the perpetrator. Is this privilege speaking? Are women conditioned by society to put up with abuse and put themselves second to such an extent that they can’t even feel human emotions such as anger and dislike when abused? What’s going on? Why don’t women get angry?

@SentientAndCognisant

You’ve got this the wrong way round, actual question is why do some men habitually beat women Don’t victim blame, don’t make this ten woman problem Place the blame where it should be and ask why do perpetrators of DV beat women and why do two women at week die as a result of DV

Didn’t click the link. Don’t like the mirror or it’s salacious tone

Plenty of women hit their partners as well. The Why applies there too.

I hasten to add that this is in no way intended to be victim blaming. It is clear where the blame lies. I’m just interested in trying to understand what has happened mentally to some women and if and what in society is conditioning them to end up in this awful trap. Are women being set up from childhood to be vulnerable to abuse? “Be nice” etc messages.

I didn't love mine, I preyed he would carry out his suicide threats, or find a new woman with her own home.

Some women however have no idea what love looks like. It wasn't modelled in their childhoods.

Some women struggle to accept that the nasty version, which only comes out say 30% of the time, is the true version. They believe the 70% fake goodness, or civility.

Some women have to delude themselves that they love him, rather than facing the fear that they can never ever escape.

@EvelynBeatrice

I would be interested in hearing what those of you who know more about this than me think of the following. It’s clear that there are many reasons why women get stuck in abusive relationships: fear, financial etc. However, I have often been a little mystified at the many posters who narrate awful tales of verbal or physical abuse and then go on to say that they love the perpetrator. I can understand this if the abuser is one’s child, but not otherwise. Maybe I’m odd or am blessed with heathy self esteem from good parents but I don’t think I would love anyone who treated me this badly. It seems to me that the healthy reaction is anger and strong dislike or hatred of the perpetrator. Is this privilege speaking? Are women conditioned by society to put up with abuse and put themselves second to such an extent that they can’t even feel human emotions such as anger and dislike when abused? What’s going on? Why don’t women get angry?

A few explanations... Being used to all that from childhood experiences, either witnessing abuse or being abused themselves.

Previous experiences of abusive relationships including physical, so he's not that bad. Often reinforced by those around him too. When I expressed concerns about a friend's bf to her mum her reply was "at least this one doesn't hit her".

A skewed view,reinforced by society and media , that loving relationships are "passionate",drama filled, etc. He's angry because he cares/he's worried.

Low self esteem,depression,anxiety etc either due to the abuser or past experiences.

Boiling frog ... it can start as a joke,banter, can even be mutual then it all becomes abusive and one sided. Or a few slips here and there with massive apologies and promises it won't happen again.

A lot of women delude themselves, including me, that it is better for children to have their father in their lives than not.

I now realise that some fathers should loose that right.

I always tried to do the best for my children, even down to putting my rapists name on my youngest birth certificate, so that she doesn't have to know that she is different.

I was half a mother because so much of my time was spent dealing with abuse. The reality is than a full mother is better than a half mother and abusive father. Every single day of their lives.

What’s going on? Why don’t women get angry?

Sometimes they do. I've seen them post on here. They're experiencing extreme levels of psychological abuse and control, often sexual and physical violence also - they will say that during another nasty attack of some kind by the perpetrator, they "lost it" and hit him, or threw something, even just slapped his hand away from right up near her, as he bullied her, and the usual suspects will come in and witter on about how SHE is abusive and he should leave HER. Nothing about his long pattern of behaviour of course. It's exhaustingly predictable. They are then told that it's all mutual combat and they are also an abuser (for fucks sake).

You are damned if you do damned if you don't. Hit back and you are 'having a fight'

Any of the things you could do to immobilise him while you get out (eg a sleeping tablet in his drink) are considered highly outrageous. I suggested it once on MN and the uproar was incredible! A gun or taser (your only other chance) are both highly illegal and let's not forget the years long campaign of psychological terror that these women have been subjected to.

They are told over and over in great detail how he will hunt them down and kill them. How he will get to their family. And the worst part is that he might.

Because people don't believe you, support you, or hear you. You are alone.

Even my own mum sent "us" Christmas cards after the rapes. Her last question to me on her death bed was how is ex?

My sister invited him to a place in the funeral cars and told me if I don't like it I could grab a lift with someone else.

Because SS takes forever to get anywhere and each new SW needs 3 to 5 months to see through his manipulation. All the while criticising every aspect of your ability to parent whilst being stalked.

Because he is so so very manipulative that the parenting assessment finds that you are the perpetrator and HE needs protection from you, despite medical records dating back 7 years evidencing everything.

Because people assume that it is the woman's fault for not leaving and post stupid questions on page whatever this is of a pretty comprehensive thread on why.

I’ve stopped contact between my daughter and her dad. I had an amazing father and I wanted this for her too. It was a gut wrenching but absolutely necessary decision that I still feel awful about. I’ve spoken to a few friends and I get the same response “ He has a right to see his daughter”, “you choose him to be her father”, “YOU are doing more damage to her not letting her see her father”.

I certainly don’t love my husband!

I wasn’t bought up in an abusive home, I was never abused before, but he was so subtle and I was tied in with children before I think I really realised what was happening, by which point I’d had young children, was a SAHM, he owned the cars, he earned the money, the house is his (I know legally by marriage it’s not) and he just did whatever he wanted, my opinion, if sought, was just ignored.

I’m a ball of fury, believe me, I give as good as I get verbally, but he is spiteful, he would even it up by removing lightbulbs or the car keys or literally ignoring me for weeks until I was a shrieking banshee because I was so bloody angry!

When I left I borrowed money to offer several months rent because no one would touch us for renting otherwise, I got a job, bought a car, alone I would be fine, I’d do the divorce.

But, there is my children.

A spiteful, vindictive man just moves onto something dear to you to be spiteful and vindictive to.

I’ve tried to explain to my friends, I won’t divorce and poof it’s over, he will just move to the next thing, the children.

I find it easier to keep him in our lives at arms length, he is happy, he still has a wife and he still sees the children and I get at least some peace

This is what worries me as I take my husband to court over the divorce and finances. If I don’t then he gets it all. I’m worried about the revenge I will get for daring to take half of what’s mine!

@Fightingback16 I honestly don't think it makes a difference. In being prepared to take him to court you are showing him that you are willing to take action.

I have never heard of an abuser being an ok guy after his ex capitulated and allowed herself to get screwed over. They threaten but ultimately if he was going to kill you he would have.

Use it for state of the art security and log threats.

@Fightingback16 oh and re your daughter - good for you. Play his game and tell everyone he's lying and doesn't want contact. Say you tried. Some people are fuckwits and you just tell them what they want to hear. They are not your friends.

Men like this do not quit. You need a very, very aggressive attitude to make them stop. Appeasing them works in the short term. In the long term, you must get out. You will be handing over your mental and physical health otherwise.

Well @Vodkacranberryplease thats not exactly a lie, he is within his right to apply for contact but 8 months later and not heard a thing.

Just because he hasn't killed you yet, doesn't mean you listen to some stranger and provoke him.

You will be a more capable parent on your own. Its harder when there is visitation because it confuses the kids why you don't get on.

I have dreams he will come for me. He frightened me out of the family home and the solicitor has said I will most probably be awarded it back in the court case. A house he since I left has covered in cctv and cameras. I am afraid of going for what is his most priced possession.