Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@Angelofdeath

Before they travelled did you have a really nice feeling from them?

How did it go downhill?

I have had lots of “likes” but all... not for me.

Whereas these two - both physically my type, but that’s not even my primary concern! The conversation (only over a week) has been far from OTT but interesting, thoughtful, enjoyable.
And then fact that I’ve googled and one a partner in a law firm, and the other a very respected university lecturer.

Genuinely looking forward But don’t know whether I should be or not.

Thank you so much

Re not being what he seemed. I won’t prove beyond did you find out during that first coffee date?

Good heavens... what an experience

Thanks for sharing

I'm chatting to 3 men. The one I'm most interested in hasn't suggested meeting. One of them seems keen to meet.

How are you finding socially distanced dating?

Not considered social distancing!
We’re meeting for coffees. Won’t give it much thought tbh

And absolutely no intention of sleeping with anyone irrespective of how wonderful they are for a fair old whack of time... so I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it

For my date at the weekend we met at a place where there are lots of walks and a cafe and a pub, mainly as it was equal distance between where we live. We went for a walk and then sat outside the pub and had a couple of (non alcoholic) drinks. It was more the convenience of the location than social distancing really.

My 3 dates last year all lived local and the first 2 that didn't go anywhere we met in a bar for drinks. The 3rd date that went on to be a relationship we met for a coffee one morning as that was the only time we were both free. We then met for drinks for our 2nd date.

I've been lucky so far in that they have all been decent and respectful and who they said they were. But I think I'm probably quite picky and don't swipe right or match very often.
I think some men in their 40s are happy with a woman a similar age as they don't want children or anymore children and would prefer a woman who doesn't have very young children. I was an older mum so at 50 have a 12 year old which might put people off but I have time free when he's with his dad to have a relationship. I have no desire to marry again or live with someone and involve them in my child's life for the foreseeable future but would like a relationship like I had in my recent relationship where was saw each other once occasionally twice a week, went out for dinner and/or drinks, walks, brunch, a few weekends away so dating, the nice fun part of a relationship, it was lovely and we had a lot of fun.
I do laugh in the EXH has moved his affair partner in having had no break between our 25 year relationship and her, I just don't understand why you would do that. And like someone else said (as she is 10 years younger than him) if she got pregnant I'd laugh my socks off, as he's 50 this month!

Morning All. Nothing good to report here. Matched on tinder with a guy last night. Conversation went

Him: are you spontaneous
Me: not so much the last six months with covid.
Him: so you usually are? Want to be more spontaneous?
Me (knows where this is going): please lord don't say you are going to ask me to meet you now (11:35pm)
Him: No, I'll just come to yours.
Me: 🙄🙄🙄🙄 unmatch.

Viva that last relationship sounds lovely. It seems a lot of men who trade in for a younger model forget to consider the younger model may want kids.

@Spritesobright

Clevercatty yes, extrem views are a red flag for me. I also think they need to have a balanced perspective on the breakup of their marriage/last relationship and not see it as one sided. Ideally they learned something about themselves in the process. Any man who complains about their "psycho ex" is suspect in my books.

I know right?

had a fairly nice convo on Tinder and then whatsapp with a South African man - nice enough but was whinging that he'd lived a year abroad and hadn't made that many friends/girlfriends whilst doing so.

The thing was he constantly referred to me as 'Girl' - e.g. 'Hey Girl, what's happening?' - no please use my name!

The other pet hate was he used a few long and complex words (like really obscure - you wouldn't use them in everyday life) obviously to sound clever.

he used his dog as part of his Tinder profile pic - the dog was way cuter!

And then he banged on first about his crazy evil ex-DW (always a no no) and then the love of his life who got away who was an alcoholic - all this a few texts in - I was exhausted reading all this - all I'd mentioned was my DF had been an alcoholic and died young - didn't want his bloody life story!

He also thought I was similar to his sweet DD (adult) - a new age hippy type which couldn't be further from the truth and honestly it seemed like he wanted someone like her, e.g. young or young, naive, innocent and willing to take all his BS. I also don't get why you'd share like he did pics of his DD and him with me - she was visiting on holiday - why do that? did the DD know?

Spritesobright yes balanced views are good.

Currently in insta convo with man who's very nice but says DW died in car crash and his DP both died when he was 6 in a plane crash and he was brought up by his uncle. he doesn't seem to be a scammer but thank F he lives in USA.

Angelofdeath - coffee and a walk sound good. My last date in person we met in the park, had an ice cream and then as there was a socially distanced pub with a garden nearby and it was very hot we went there for a couple of drinks. In fact my next two dates with him were in 2 different socially distanced pubs and 2 cafes (socially distanced too) but met in park once beforehand and in street before pub last time. As long as they wear masks, use sanitiser and you know about their bubbles or who they contact then you should be relatively safe I think.

Also re the sex first - that sounds awful - why discuss with your 19 year old DD - did she want to know how it went? Did his 19 year old DD live with him??!!

VivaVegas - I know several 50 plus year old men who after getting divorced and even after swearing off no more DC have found themselves 2nd time around fathers - my ex who had a teen DS with his ex and didn't want more DC is now with his DW who has twin girls about 5 years old, one sadly has a life threatening medical care needed disease other is normal and a 7 year old DS from a previous relationship. My ex also saw his ex-mother is his teen DS's sons a lot not sure if they come to stay anymore! He's adopted though and I think liked a 'family' different to his own upbringing.

Both my first two dates coming up... coffee and walk.

How much prep do you go to beforehand?

I’m 39 and look after myself, for myself ie eyebrows professionally waxed and tinted, highlights, regular gym goer, make up every day etcbut it feels like I should maybe do something special, as that’s what I used to do when in twenties And dating!
Nails maybe?

Waxing etc - no way. Never slept with anyone for at least few months Post first date - and that was in my twenties. Not about to start approaching 40 with Young children! Added to which, I would be floored if this is what either of These are expecting from me!

I'm similar although 50 so a fair bit older but still take good care of myself and am fitter than in my 20s. I do get my nails done just as I feel happier when they look nice, no idea if a bloke would notice and id do the same for a meet up with girlfriends!

I wouldn't sleep with anyone on a first date (or for a few more) but wouldn't judge anybody who does, we're all grown women!

Good luck, when are the dates?

Decentisnotatime

prep - whatever you feel comfy with - my first recent date it was a summery top and jeans and second date similar and 3rd date dress.

Waxing - what a man once said to me - you don't need to do a Brazilian but trimmed or bikini wax is polite. not a full on bush!

Angelofdeath - that is totally inappropriate and I think he's blurring boundaries there.

VivaVegas - I suppose I do a bit more than if I meet up with girlfriends - slightly more makeup, hair done nails etc but I just find that makes me 'flirt' more though I also do that with girlfriends. It's strange re the jeans first - I got a kiss the second date - in jeans and the third date he really appreciated I wore the dress - shame he was an idiot!

Oh goodness - no judgement here! Each to their own.

This weekend
Nervous but healthy dose of excitement too

One has children Same age as mine (primary)
One doesn’t

Those who have had relationships - have you found someone not having children difficult?

The only relationship I've had since my divorce he had children but older (20 and 16).

He really respected that I would only see him when I didn't have my son and would even ask if it was ok to call if he knew my son was with me.

So pissed off he moved away ☹️

I do worry if they don't have kids that they won't understand how that affects life and availability etc

But not dated anyone without so maybe my worries are unfounded.

Don't let it put you off though, could be fine.

Thank you - appreciate that