Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Sorry Viva, it is shitty. I get days where I feel like that too. STBXH has a very attractive, much younger new girlfriend who he met through friends so he hasn’t even had to do OLD. It does feel really unfair that he’s swanning around loved up, while I’m going through this, especially when it was his very shitty behaviour that broke up our marriage in the first place. Dwelling on it only makes me feel worse though - I just have to tell myself that she’ll find out what he’s really like sooner or later!

Angel doesn’t it make you feel like banging your head against the wall. NEXT!

My matches and conversations seem to have dried up. I must admit, I do left swipe a LOT - maybe I need to lower my standards!

Im 40 next month and I look for no more than say three to four years either way. I'd expect most blokes after more than a hookup to be the same
I guess we all consider our own preferences to be "normal". At 45/47 I was looking for someone between about 5 years younger than me and 7 years older.

I asked him what he was looking for and he said 'to meet new friends and hopefully meet a woman to blow his socks off' - trying to think of a witty response to that??
I think I'd just say "Sounds like a cool line from a dating profile; what are you really looking for?" and maybe something honest about what things you are interested in, and why.

he said 'Surely we need to be on here at the same time to do that'
What does that even mean?!?! I just said 'You can send me a message whenever you like, as you are well aware'
I would imagine he meant that for the conversation to flow properly it would have to be in real time. You could have just asked what he meant - but if you found his attitude annoying, as your response suggests, then maybe just not answer? I can't see the point of continuing talking to someone if you find them so irritating.

I once heard an accurate description of online dating:

"its like searching for an eyelash in a bucket of diarrhoea" lol

I know it sucks but there are things you can do to help. I really recommend you checking out Matthew Hussey and Agnes Vivarelli on you tube. They have great info for dating and positive thinking.

@Angelofdeath

ravenmum I did ask him what he meant. I said 'What does that mean? You can message me any time, as you are well aware'. Not that he ever read the message. (Sorry I didn't detail my exact response on here)

I talk to people as I'm hoping to meet somebody so they might annoy me & I might moan on here but I don't instantly write people off & ignore them (unless it's nasty) as it might be a misunderstanding or whatever.

Did he definitely not read it? On some apps/sites you can see the full message pop up as a notification, but it isn't marked as read until you click on it. Maybe he saw what you wrote and was too scared to click?

I've been lurking on this thread and just wanted to say well done to all you brave souls!
I started OLD at 40 after ex left and had an affair and it was a bit like jumping off a cliff with a bungee cord. Terrifying but ultimately worth it.
I can't help notice some women saying the man should message first and suggest a date.
Come on ladies, it's 2020! Granted I was a bit manic when I first got on OLD but I just thought, "f**k it," why should I wait around for a guy to message me?"
I took a very businesslike approach, loads of right swiping and a date every week.
The one I ended up with I basically initiated everything. Messaged him first, kissed him first, suggested sex first.
I have had the best sex of my life as a result of being more assertive and met a super lovely man I now love very much.
I just think the advantage of being older is not needing/wanting a man to marry and have kids with. It made things so much easier and when we did develop deeper feelings it came naturally.

I think I would be classed as an OLD success story, as I have been with my partner for 2yr now, but don't live together yet.

It is really grim, but amongst the pond weed, piranhas and players, there are regular and nice singles. Photos aren't the key, what is written can be complete lies, and text chat when you don't know each other is a game.

Being open minded to brief coffee dates, worked best for me, or even phone calls as people find it harder to lie when talking in conversations. I thought staff in several places may start to recognise me, but not my ever changing partners.

I know people can grow on you, but also I find talking brings out key characteristics and lies and saved potentially weeks or months of wasted chat.

Thanks Angelofdeath
Sometimes endings are new beginnings.. ?
The most fulfilled and happy women I know aren't in relationships (or not conventional ones) so it's also good to think it doesn't matter if this one works or not - I can still be happy.

Angelofdeath I totally get that. Adult conversation with someone who also doesn't mind you discussing the boring stuff and cares about your wellbeing is so valuable.
I'm surprised you haven't had any dates in a year.
Maybe try messaging them for a shorter time?
I often found text and in person communication completely different.

I found my partner a bit boring over text but met up on first date and suddenly he was completely engaging.

@VivaVegas

It's just such hard work! I matched with a guy last night who has also since liked me on Bumble. He started a conversation with me last night, all promising, now it's just not flowing. I asked him what he was looking for and he said 'to meet new friends and hopefully meet a woman to blow his socks off' - trying to think of a witty response to that??

Times like this I feel thoroughly fed up about being divorced at 50. EH has a lot to answer for, and is now buying a house with the younger OW he went off with, whereas I just feel on the scrap heap ☹️

That drives me mad re meeting a woman to blow his socks off - it's almost like they're looking for the elusive four leafed clover when they say that - and your convo before was flowing nicely until that!

I've got a story of a friend of mine - she was married for many years with the guy from her early 20's, 2 adult DC later her DH sadly battled cancer 3 x and then died. She met someone through a friend of a friend complete other county but not a million miles away 6 months later and they started dating - they've now been together I think 18 months and due to get married this December - they've been away on lots of holidays and short breaks before lockdown and she has had a bit of stick from some people for meeting a new man so soon after her DH died but her DC and the new man's ones are happy for her.

What I'm saying is whether it's OLD or IRL it's never too late and my friend certainly didn't think she'd meet someone in her late 40's and a widow - with 2 young adult DC - she told me several times, it's too late, I'm too old and fat etc (rubbish!).

@3caratdiamond

Problem is in your 40s your dating market value is low compared to a woman in her 20s. The decent 40+ year old men will be entertaining the attractive younger women, and all that's left are the potato looking ones.

Better off leaving OLD and hitting an upmarket bar.

honestly - wish I'd done that even more in 30s!

OLD depresses me so much - some guy connected with me on Insta and is lovebombing and sex talk already after less than a week - I'd rather go to an upmarket bar and get the same or more sane conversation!

AngelofDeath - the separated man - normally I'd run a mile and though I think he likes his 'freedom' I don't think he's into shagging around - just wants an uncomplicated GF from what he's said to me. He's also said he finds Tinder etc a bit boring and vapid. He was with his ex-DW when they were both in their mid 20s.

"His mum told him the distance was too much." ROFL at this.
Men who quote their mother on what they should/shouldn't do are definitely a no go anyways!
Lucky escape.

@Angelofdeath

Sprite Haha, I know! I do tell my mum about my dates (or nearly dates!) as she is my babysitter. She asks their life story, looks at their pic, tells me why they are no good (usually!) & Then I ignore her

So yeah, this one listening to his mummy did make me think lucky escape. We are 38, not 13!

CleverCatty well he sounds good so far so hopefully your luck will turn.

totally agreed with the one listening to their mummy...

In my years of dating I've been proposed to by a man who hated his mammy (Irish) - she hadn't really done a huge amount wrong as he was fairly successful, he also hated his boss and would whinge about it non stop to me - basically extreme views on people - women etc - run a mile!

Clevercatty yes, extrem views are a red flag for me. I also think they need to have a balanced perspective on the breakup of their marriage/last relationship and not see it as one sided. Ideally they learned something about themselves in the process.
Any man who complains about their "psycho ex" is suspect in my books.

Also on the point about men becoming involved with much younger women...
I've thought about this in relation to my ex and realised he could start another family.
But I end up just laughing about it thinking about him dealing with the baby phase again (which he detested) and how he'll be that much further from retirement.
If a man can't recognise the value of a woman his age whose already had kids then that's his problem.

Very new to OLD

Two men I have been chatting to, and have arranged coffees with.

Very attractive, I googled both and both very professionally successful and highly regarded. Most importantly though - both seem so kind and considerate. They are travelling to ME, we are meeting in the afternoon because it suits ME.

I just feel genuinely excited about both coffee dates.

Is this normal for first timers?!