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Original poster

Online dating in your 40s

966 replies

StarlightSparkle · 13/08/2020 22:45

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 01/09/2020 09:53

@3caratdiamond

Problem is in your 40s your dating market value is low compared to a woman in her 20s. The decent 40+ year old men will be entertaining the attractive younger women, and all that's left are the potato looking ones.

Better off leaving OLD and hitting an upmarket bar.

How will things be different in the bar? Or is this a bar that doesn't allow women in their 20s?

A 28-year-old is not normally going to be out deliberately looking for a 48-year old, whereas "even" a 40-year-old might well be looking in precisely that age range.

If you look at photos of (I guess?) a balding guy and make disparaging comments about potatoes, and assume they aren't "decent", then surely what you want to avoid is dating balding men, rather than doing OLD?

StormTreader · 01/09/2020 10:48

Things are different in a bar because they're meeting you as a person.

Online all they see is "40 year old woman" and online dating is presented as an ideal menu of every person on there being available - "why would I message them when theres all these 20 year olds?", never mind if none of them would actually want to date him.

Decentsalnotime · 01/09/2020 10:57

I have dipped my toe in to OLD
Only hinge
Less than a week and I’m impressed. Lots of people liking me and a coffee arranged for this Saturday. Conversation is nice and easy and thankfully not endless

I’m feeling quite positive and excited
Nervous though!

CleverCatty · 01/09/2020 11:02

So an update from me.

Have signed up to OKC again and had a few messages and even people wanting to meet - not really feeling that.

Have also had someone via Instagram - I had another guy about 2 months message me - both from USA - but this recent guy has been love bombing and honestly I think I'll pass on him.

Funnily enough someone locally who I mentioned on here (separated, 2 DC etc) - we've been having some FB Messenger chats and no idea what will happen but he suggested maybe meeting - he's a barista in a local park cafe.

Another friend suggested after yoga going for craft beer at a local craft beer place where men our age hang out - they're probably attached but you never know. I've noticed various places where I've walked during the day - cafes etc - sometimes there are friendly men - younger obvs - but keeping an eye out for socially distanced events whilst its still warmer and sunnier.

52andblue · 01/09/2020 11:07

@TossACoinToYerWitcher

Clicked on this thread as I am thinking of putting a toe into this water this year sometime.

Read your post - I'd date you on the basis of that - honest, self aware kind and amusing. Good luck and hope you find someone nice too

52andblue · 01/09/2020 11:09

@Angelofdeath

NowYouListen.I'm 38 & had a message from one yesterday who was 68. 'Would you like to be my submissive woman?' ugh.
Bet he was really 75 and using someone else's photo ;)
NowYouListenToMeFella · 01/09/2020 11:23

Well the bar scene half dead here. Sit at your table, drinks by table service only abs you have to social distance, eat a substantial meal that costs €9 or more and have to be out the door in 115 minutes.

Not sure how that would be any better than online. I get you though and for sure I've noticed a change in online dating since I turned 40 this year.

Not much I can do about my age. Just need to plough on and hope for the best.

ravenmum · 01/09/2020 12:06

@StormTreader

Things are different in a bar because they're meeting you as a person.

Online all they see is "40 year old woman" and online dating is presented as an ideal menu of every person on there being available - "why would I message them when theres all these 20 year olds?", never mind if none of them would actually want to date him.

They can message young women all they like, but surely at some point even the very optimistic are going to give in and reluctantly message someone their own age? And if they don't, that weeds out some I probably wouldn't be keen on anyway.

If you're not interested in someone 20 years older or whatever, you just ignore them. They were just asking; they weren't to know if you'd be interested or not.

Each methods surely has its pros and cons? In the bar they see you as a person, but that means you look like a real person, rather than the carefully managed impression you can give in the photos on your profile.

Maybe I'm just sceptical as I have never been chatted up in a bar. I guess you have to sit at the bar itself and give off a "talk to me" vibe!

Angelofdeath · 01/09/2020 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CleverCatty · 01/09/2020 14:14

@Angelofdeath

52andblue haha, probably.

So there's a new one who's pic actually made me say 'Ooh, I like him!' (which I very rarely say!) BUT... He's really not saying much, he said he likes me because I'm different (not sure if that's a compliment or not!) I said that he hasn't really told me anything apart from he likes travel, & I can't really travel right now while my kids are still young, all he's messaged me back is 'I will take you to Paris in school time & bring you home for tea'. Which, writing it, sounds like he's being nice, but I'm just not feeling it & he still hasn't told me anything about himself!
CleverCatty Your friend from before is sounding positive Smile

AngelofDeath

Yes the friend from before is nice - pity he really is going through a difficult divorce but he had a girlfriend earlier this year.

He's a different type to me though - tall, skinny, a bit of a rock dude and he's 41 (almost 42) compared to my almost 49. He also - I don't know how to say this - he looks like he'd be filthy in bed (just his look in his eye lol), he has tattoos which normally I'd be turned off by but on him they're nice. What I like about him is I've chatted with friends with him at his cafe without booze (yet) so it's better than going to a bar and getting pissed and meeting a guy.

Angelofdeath · 01/09/2020 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StormTreader · 01/09/2020 17:58

My immediate reaction to that is "it's easier to push boundaries and steer things into sexting when youre talking in real time" - he knows if he sends you a message now thats a bit too sexual, you'll read it and just not reply.
A decent guy can chat via messages over a period of time because thats not a problem for normal human chat.

PickledLilly · 01/09/2020 18:55

I’m 38 and just out of a ten year relationship, I’ve never done OLD but thought I’d probably give it a go at some point but you’re not filling me with a lot of hope! Is it really that dire?

Angelofdeath · 01/09/2020 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickledLilly · 01/09/2020 19:50

Hmm, to be fair, I’m not sure I want a SERIOUS relationship myself, I’ve got two kids and I don’t want to get embroiled in the complexities of blended families right now but I do want to ‘date’ rather than just be contacted by secretly married men after a casual shag. I’m not sure how I’d put that across on a dating profile, I’m sure if you said you want something casual you’d just be innundated by sleazebags and I’m not interested in men who just want to shag you once then vanish but not do I want to introduce someone to my children.

safeordangerous · 01/09/2020 19:50

'The potato looking ones'. What does that mean? Balding / overweight?

Im 40 next month and I look for no more than say three to four years either way. I'd expect most blokes after more than a hookup to be the sameConfused

PickledLilly · 01/09/2020 20:19

Re: potato men
The interesting thing I’ve noticed within my group of friends is as they hit their 40’s the women all seem to have found a bit more time for themselves now their kids have reached school age, lost the baby weight, found more time for hobbies and are looking great whereas their husbands universally seem to have taken to eating and drinking too much and have turned into fat couch potatoes. I wonder why that is?

Angelofdeath · 01/09/2020 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

safeordangerous · 01/09/2020 20:35

Fair enough the blokes that have ballooned. I can understand that would be off putting.
Angelofdeath I think there's plenty of blokes that would be happy with what youre after :)

Angelofdeath · 01/09/2020 20:41

This reply has been deleted

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safeordangerous · 01/09/2020 20:49

@Angelofdeath

safeordangerous Oh well if you find any send them my way Grin
If I wasnt dating myself I'd be raising my own handGrin My mates..... Well
Serafinaaa · 01/09/2020 20:53

@PickledLilly

I’m 38 and just out of a ten year relationship, I’ve never done OLD but thought I’d probably give it a go at some point but you’re not filling me with a lot of hope! Is it really that dire?
I'm exactly the same Wink both age and length of relationship. Send me a message if you fancy a chat/commiserate 😭😂
Serafinaaa · 01/09/2020 20:59

Probably should add I'm female and not hitting on you Blush

Angelofdeath · 01/09/2020 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VivaVegas · 01/09/2020 23:38

It's just such hard work! I matched with a guy last night who has also since liked me on Bumble. He started a conversation with me last night, all promising, now it's just not flowing. I asked him what he was looking for and he said 'to meet new friends and hopefully meet a woman to blow his socks off' - trying to think of a witty response to that??

Times like this I feel thoroughly fed up about being divorced at 50. EH has a lot to answer for, and is now buying a house with the younger OW he went off with, whereas I just feel on the scrap heap ☹️