Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating in your 40s

966 replies

StarlightSparkle · 13/08/2020 22:45

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

OP posts:
OutingMyself · 27/10/2020 07:56

I've spoken too soon again, he's just messaged asking to meet up!

sugarlost · 27/10/2020 08:11

@Angelofdeath Unless I don't go into blocked to view... it's too tempting not to but I doubt he'll message again.
There's so many people just looking for sex or an ego boost. Where are the people looking for relationships?
Why are people insensitive in their communication... better option etc

@Isitreally77 be careful as it could be he wants lunchtime sex. I think we have to be careful about what we disclose regarding our dating history etc, to people we are communicating with as some people will take advantage of that and know who they can potentially target /manipulate.
I hate all this waiting around for them to communicate.....they should make us feel comfortable not doubting the situation and we haven't even met them...
I hope it goes well if it does go ahead.

We have to try and protect our wellbeing ladies x

sugarlost · 27/10/2020 08:12

@OutingMyselfGrin

Isitreally77 · 27/10/2020 08:24

Its so frustrating because my ex used me to scratch his itch (his words) a few months ago, (biggest mistake i made going back there) and it seems Mr Computer Geek wanted to do the same. The only nice guy I've liked this year isn't interested in a relationship. I asked him out in March he said no but nothing has changed between us which makes me fall for him even more.

LuckyLinda3 · 27/10/2020 10:01

@Isitreally77 I'm very glad of your wisdom rite now. Even though I've met another man from OLD I'm having "feelings" that have almost driven me to texting my ex for a hook up. I'm kinda confused as to why I would go there but am slightly reluctant with this new fella....by my own rules i wont sleep with someone early on so I'm thinking maybe it's just that. Really admire those who can throw caution to the wind....just think I don't need any more hurt right now so dont want to DTD and be dropped I guess. Although he has been in constant contact and does seem very interested.....

LuckyLinda3 · 27/10/2020 10:02

@sugarlost you are so rite about the doubt and protecting our wellbeing!

Isitreally77 · 27/10/2020 10:57

Well I was right, he cancelled. Apparently his life is really complicated and he doesn't think he has time to meet anyone. He said he still wanted to stay in touch. After I responded he did tell me his ex is also really ill (the bad news that meant Saturday was cancelled), we are still chatting at the moment, I think he is just grateful to have someone to talk to about it (and his feelings). My friend thinks I should forget about him, which I am but if he wants to chat I am happy to also do that, he seems like a nice guy in a bad situation and seems grateful that I haven't just said F off but have asked how he is coping, he is now stuck in an impossible situation(he will look like a dick if he moves out but if he stays he will be miserable). I think we did have a connection (as much as you can before meeting) but I don't expect anything to come of it now.

Oh well back to swiping.

Isitreally77 · 27/10/2020 10:59

@LuckyLinda3 don't go back just keep moving forwards. Remember they are an ex for a reason. We tend to mourn the life we thought we had in front of us and forget the bad bits.

sugarlost · 27/10/2020 11:29

@Isitreally77 sometimes we just get a gut feeling. I think it sounds like it could be a headache for you if you stay in contact and you could get drawn in emotionally and get hurt. I agree with your friends...I think you should block to help move on. Maybe I'm harsh but we have to protect ourselves... sometimes we're too nice... he's probably communicating with a few women so don't feel guilty. Think of yourself... he's a stranger at the end of the day who can say anything. I don't want to sound harsh but these men are getting on my nerves and sometimes we're just too nice and accommodating.
Hope I haven't offended you.

LuckyLinda3 · 27/10/2020 11:32

@Isitreally77 yeah you are so right...onwards it is!!!

sugarlost · 27/10/2020 11:49

@LuckyLinda3 I agree with @Isitreally77 about your ex. Maybe give it time with new fella there's no rush especially as you feel reluctant. Sex doesn't sometimes last that long anyway but we all have needs so I hear you...

Isitreally77 · 27/10/2020 11:50

@sugarlost not offended at all. I'm probably too nice for my own good sometimes. You're right it probably would get messy and I don't want to get hurt.

LuckyLinda3 · 27/10/2020 11:56

@sugarlost thank you💐. Its great to be able to ask things on here as I don't always feel I can ask friends...thanks again.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 27/10/2020 18:40

Please may I join? I've ditched my kindle for the last week to read this thread from the beginning!
I'm so pleased I'm not going through the dire mountain of diarrhea of OLD on my own!
I split with partner in January, utterly heartbroken, now dipping my toe in the world of tinder and bumble....OMG! It's awful! What is it with the ghosting, and blocking....even when they initiate the contact! I can't even get a conversation flowing nevermind a date, I've had liars, dick pics 🤮 married ones.... everything apart from a nice normal guy! I'm 41 and feel like I will never even have a conversation with another man never mind be part of a couple again. Your stories have made me realize it's not me, I don't have 2 heads and I have standards! Thank you ladies x

Angelofdeath · 27/10/2020 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 27/10/2020 19:36

I've got pretty tough at blocking now, and now I don't have any iron to talk to 🤣 when I first went on the apps I got load of messages and thought "hey, this gonna be so easy!", Boy was I wrong! I've had one pretending to be a detective! One that we met for a drink, had a kiss, then he wouldn't swap numbers! MARRIED?? One that the date lasted the whole of 20 seconds as he wasn't who he was in his pics, so I politely told him the date wouldn't be happening...he looked totally shocked! And my last date told me how he slept with all his tinder dates on the first date! It's really made me put my barriers up now with anyone, which is really depressing.

Angelofdeath · 27/10/2020 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 27/10/2020 19:54

Angel-Congrats on your date, blow some date fairy dust this way! I'm thinking I should go older, my last partner we was 7 years younger, but the men in my area really aren't lookers! 99% of their profile pics look like mug shots, and they all seem to fill their bio in with text talk which really puts me off! I read one earlier who couldn't spell father! 🤦‍♀️

Angelofdeath · 27/10/2020 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 27/10/2020 20:20

I understand about the spelling, but I'm the same as you, I just feel like it's a half arsed attempt from them sometimes. Think I'm just running out of patience with them all 🤣.
Naked pics lol..i got my first dick pic last week, I nearly threw up! Why oh why do they think we would appreciate it?? He had only sent me a "hi" message and then the sausage followed!

Angelofdeath · 27/10/2020 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelofdeath · 27/10/2020 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 27/10/2020 20:44

Oh geez! It just repulses me those type of messages! Think you dodged a bullet there angel! It's sad though, when you get your hopes up and they turn out to be sex maniacs! The pic I got was sent on Badoo...ive left that site now! Didn't even realize you could send pictures on it until I got that, it did say it may contain graphic content....my curiosity got the better of me and I opened it lol! Lesson learned. I met my previous partner online, he was the second person I talked to! Not so easy this time around.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 27/10/2020 20:44

Oh geez! It just repulses me those type of messages! Think you dodged a bullet there angel! It's sad though, when you get your hopes up and they turn out to be sex maniacs! The pic I got was sent on Badoo...ive left that site now! Didn't even realize you could send pictures on it until I got that, it did say it may contain graphic content....my curiosity got the better of me and I opened it lol! Lesson learned. I met my previous partner online, he was the second person I talked to! Not so easy this time around.

Angelofdeath · 27/10/2020 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.