Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@jamaisjedors really nice to hear about you and Mr DJ. Nice outcome following disappointment of Mr Two names.

@Isitreally77 I agree with @Angelofdeath and I would say stay cautious as it sounds complicated and you may get hurt. These good looking men can sometimes get away with more stuff because of our attraction for them...I would say keep your options open and again try not to overinvest.

@LuckyLinda3 it's nice you went on a date. I remember years ago I met a nice man and wasn't attracted but looking back I should have went on a second date as he seemed nice and wanted the same things as me. I think I could have fallen for him...

I also ended up in a crap relationship with someone I wasn't initially attracted to but he felt strongly for me from the beginning. He was so needy and backward in his views I should never have entertained him but I think I was desperate to settle down...so glad I'm not with him and single.
One of my friends ended up marrying a man who was the opposite of her usual attraction type...he is a wonderful man and compared to her Ex she made the best decision ever.

Update... Flaky has text me and it went to my blocked messages. He's free to talk anytime today ...for a few seconds I was tempted....why do they do that?????
So much game playing...it's so hurtful and disrespectful

@LuckyLinda3 iwoyks definitely give it a try.. based on my very limited experience

MrDJ is definitely not my type physically but our first kiss was nice and then we had a bit more privacy and he is ridiculously generous in bed !

Dating someone this "nice" feels weird to me but such a breath of fresh air.

hmm @sugarlost keep on holding out on mr flaky, you know you are worth more than that.

@sugarlost that's so disappointing. Fair play for resisting....thars not easy either. But as they say as one door closes another opens....

@jamaisjedors thanks, I think I will. I'm delighted you have stumbled upon someone generous that way, can be quite rare too so enjoy!!!

Well Mr Computer Geek still wants to meet. I don't know what to do, part of me thinks just go for it meet him and see what he is like, he may be a nice guy in a bad situation, then the sensible part kicks in and I'm like run now don't go there.

@jamaisjedors yes enjoy Mr DJ/Generosity

@Isitreally77 maybe go for it...you never know if he sounds ok

So I was messaging Mr Cheap who wanted me to visit with no knickers as well as other requests and also leave by a certain time. It's a bit cold for no knickers and I thought maybe men don't want to pay for escorts these days....no that I'm an escort lol. So I start my search again....oh the joys....

Happy Sunday everyone and hug back to @Angelofdeath

Well, my date never happened. Mr Event’s messages started getting a bit sleazy and while I’m happy to engage in flirty banter, this was a bit much so I bailed. I’d always had reservations about him as got the impression he was a bit of a dating pro and had loads of different women on the go.

Started chatting to another guy who was very chatty at first but within a day or two it was one word answers so I unmatched. I’ve started getting more aggressive at unmatching if I feel they are going off the boil, but the problem with that is that I’m now not chatting to a single person!

Ex has kids for a few days now it’s half term so I was hoping to have someone lined up by now but now all these child-free days/ evenings are going to be wasted!

I’ve been swiping but it’s depressing. Lots and lots of unsuitable men/ not attractive/ awful photos. I get a fair few matches but more often than not they don’t message me. Feel like I’m going to be single forever!

Jamais that is an exciting update! Mr DJ sounds lovely - maybe younger man is the way to go!

Sugar Mr Cheap sounds like Mr Events! I wonder how many women actually agree to these sorts of demands on date 1?!

LuckyLinda I feel I’m not qualified to advise seeing as I haven’t made it to a 2nd date yet! I’d probably go though as I find I’m more likely to fancy someone once I know them a bit.

Isitreally is he the one living with ex? He could be telling the truth - lots of people are forced to live with exes after they split - but it’s hard to know. Could be worth a quick coffee date to see if he comes across as genuine?

Angel keeping my fingers crossed that a hot birthday date is coming your way!

Ah @StarlightSparkle I totally get that feeling of not wanting to "waste" the children time you have - so frustrating!!!

@sugarlost about the "request"...
Seems like you've hit a bit of a sleazy seam of men there...

Am checking in regularly to see how everyone else is doing- Mr DJ deleted tinder after we first kissed and I have since we slept together

Neither of us were looking for anything serious but neither of us want to talk to or have sex with anyone else so...

Bit scarey but it'll be good to have a break anyway, there is something addictive about the sites and a real tendancy to always have an eye on the next thing which is probably not conducive to being in the moment and 100% WITH the person you are with.

@jamaisjedors Mr DJ sounds lovely.

Just placemarking here!

@StarlightSparkle that's what I'm thinking, he could be a nice guy in a bad situation. Nothing lost other than a couple of hours if I meet him and find out he is lying. He wants to meet during the day one day this week. I've suggested meeting in the pub 10 minutes from mine so if its going badly I can make an excuse about a work meeting and go home(I'm working from home and I've mentioned that to him but I'm also off for a few days this week).

I'm sorry your date didn't go ahead, could you not go out with some girlfriends on your child free days? I agree about the short supply of men and the matching and not messaging. Why do they bother if they don't want to talk?!

I've got really fed up with endless boring messaging that doesn't go anywhere. When do you normally suggest meeting? Or do you wait for them to do it?

I got talking to loads of guys this weekend but I don't feel anything for any of them really. I just don't want to do the never ending chit chat with them. There is one guy who seems vaguely interesting (but very slow to message) so I think I'm going to just fizzle the rest out.

I feel like deleting all the apps atm tbh! And maybe somehow throwing myself into real life more in an effort to meet people. Online dating is depressing me 😄

Oh Outing I totally hear you. I keep mentally vowing to delete all the apps and have a break but I don’t think I’m going to meet anyone in RL. I was single for 18 months before going on the apps and met no-one. My life revolves around the kids and work and there are no available men at my work. I do have a reasonable social life but when I go out with friends we are more interested in catching up than talking to guys and a lot of them are married so they don’t need to look.

I think I’m fundamentally ill-suited to OLD as I’m an introvert and quite reserved so I find all the small talk really hard work, especially in person (except for the one date that went really well but then he disappeared).

Pre marriage I used to have lots of boyfriends/ flings and if one relationship ended it would never be long before I met someone else but my life was a lot more sociable in those days and I was more attractive! Not that I look bad for my age but I don’t look like 25 year old me anymore!

I keep thinking it only takes one person to make the whole thing worthwhile but trying to find that one feels like a needle in a haystack.

Hi everyone, signing in here as I am late 40s and been OLD on and off for 4 years.
Starlight I feel exactly the same. Especially since COVID I have no chance to meet anyone IRL.
The vast majority of men on OLD are unattractive and make zero effort. After a lot of swiping, online chats and first dates that went nowhere, I had a few dates with one guy earlier this year , which then fizzled out when lockdown happened. Then recently on Tinder I met another guy who seemed genuinely interested in a relationship, although I wasn't sure if I was that into him...he then unmatched and ghosted me after 3 dates :/

Eeek looks like i might be meeting with Mr Computer Geek tomorrow. I'm just waiting on him to confirm a time. Now my nerves have really sky rocketed, will he turn up, will he cancel again, what are his intentions, what if he turns out to be a massive perv, what if I look like an idiot and he is a liar and just wants sex behind his wife's back. No good thoughts. I don't think either of us want anything serious, to be fair both of us have said we don't know what we want.

@OutingMyself

I've got really fed up with endless boring messaging that doesn't go anywhere. When do you normally suggest meeting? Or do you wait for them to do it?

I got talking to loads of guys this weekend but I don't feel anything for any of them really. I just don't want to do the never ending chit chat with them. There is one guy who seems vaguely interesting (but very slow to message) so I think I'm going to just fizzle the rest out.

I feel like deleting all the apps atm tbh! And maybe somehow throwing myself into real life more in an effort to meet people. Online dating is depressing me 😄

OK slight update here.

No texts from MrHottie - fast going off him - he will be MrNottie soon LOL. He did say can't recall if I wrote it here that he doesn't like taking selfies and would try to get pics on his weekend away with a friend by south coast.

SeasideChef - totally not in touch!

ComebackKid - supposed to be meeting him later on this week - will see.

And then - someone I was supposed to meet before lockdown, let's call him MrA - lives miles away - texted me on Friday or Saturday - he's really nice but twice divorced and 4 kids - but there's something there I think! Had a nice chat over the weekend - he showed me a cake he'd baked with his son, carved pumpkins etc.

OutingMyself - i usually wait for men to initiate meeting up - of the ones above all but MrHottie have suggested meeting up but I suppose due to Covid 19 it is harder. In fact one man (friend of a friend, messaged me and we met for a few dates) I sort of know - I definitely waited for him to message me re meeting. There are 2 camps - those who say don't suggest meeting and those say do. I personally think suggest it if you want to do it.

To be honest - re chatting to people but not meeting them - I think lots of people are feeling this way now - partly as harder to meet - and partly maybe due to other worries.

Jamais - enjoy Mr DJ!

sugarlost - why oh why do men do the overtly sleazy stuff?! So annoying!

@Angelofdeath

I was going to ask him 'What counts as lengthy?' 'Is 30 mins ok but if it goes to 32 mins then it doesn't get a watch?'

OutingMyself I think my vibes must be off, I'm actually saying .. 'I'm single but dont bother because I can't be bothered'
New one sounds good. I think it's just struggling to know what to say sometimes isn't it. Asking about work is 'safe'.
I hate it when they ask 'What have you done today?' I feel like if I answer honestly, 'Well I've done the school run what feels like 68 times, then I had to separate my kids as they wouldn't stop squabbling, then I made them tea & put them to bed, now I'm talking to you!'... I wouldn't get a reply

sugar It's so difficult isn't it, I feel like all the 30 something's that contact me are where I was at when I was a 20 something!
I read a new ones profile, it was very long, it said he'd love to cook a lady dinner on the first date, his neighbours are lovely so she'd be safe, he has a spare room so she can stay over'... I mean, really? It's one thing meeting somebody, having that click & deciding to stay the night, but him planning it all out like that is a bit creepy. He would feel perfectly comfortable as it's his house, also his neighbours may be lovely because they all club together & help him murder his dates

Isitreally I hope you are ok
I know how difficult it is. I've toughened up a lot but I still 'feel' it too much.. It's so hard not to take it personally & feel rejected, it's hard to think that they were probably lying &/or saying the exact same to others. (Obviously yours might be genuine & I hope it turns out ok, but it's not going to make you feel good is it)

Sending us all a (hug) tonight

Angelofdeath - last time I heard you were off on a date was it this or next weekend, it was your birthday (happy birthday by the way!) and the guy cooking dinner and her staying over - agree - that is way too soon and way too creepy.

That reminds me - a few years ago when new to OLD I met a lawyer and we went to a couple of bars and back to his place, he was wealthy etc but zero connection. Anyway he shared his bought house with housemates and one reason he had housemates was so he had friends to go out with - Clapham Junction area - lots of bars! I found that really sad and almost ran out of his house!

After lots of experiences sadly - thick skin is the way to go. I often look at it as the 'kid in candy store' for men OLD and there's so much rubbish like ghosting etc and not texting that I don't believe half of what they say. and breathe!

Mr Nottie. At least ComebackKid is still on the scene. Love some of these names!

I’ve been swiping but it’s the usual crappy profiles. I’m starting to think there are only a few different types of men as some of them look so same-y. One guy’s profile: ‘No ONS. Sorry. ‘ Like we’re all going to be devastated at being denied the opportunity to sleep with him once!

And if I read nights in/ nights out again I think I’ll scream. As someone on one of the dating threads succinctly put it, there are no other kinds of nights!

@jamaisjedors the sites can be addictive....I’m starting to feel even more lonely which keeps me swiping ...hating Covid.
Yes sleaze is attracted to me...lol
Happy for you both off the app

@StarlightSparkle it’s disappointing when in your mind you want to meet someone to fill free time...I hate that...I’m only asking for a coffee date...how hard is it? Regarding Mr Events and Cheap if you don’t ask? I’m sure some women are happy to oblige...it just made me feel sad and worthless as I haven’t been feeling great anyway. I think my mental health suffers with all the disappointment and I’m not even meeting them in real life....oh dear.

Flaky messaged me again and I felt tempted to respond because of loneliness...I saw blocked message pop up and knew it was him and message asked if I was free to talk today with a kiss...he doesn’t normally put a kiss...he Makes me feel sad.

@OutingMyself I wait for them to ask for a date but the reality is it rarely happens...lots of messages to feed egos with no intention of meeting....it’s such fun...not. Mr One Night I thought I’d call his bluff asking to meet not thinking he would as he was gorgeous in pics but he surprised me agreeing and then I started to panic lol

@ChiaraRimini sorry to hear about your experience and recent ghosting...it’s tough out there...I don’t find many men my age attractive. I think I’m not being realistic and I keep swiping on young guys....

@Isitreally77 hope your date goes well... ...I get so nervous going to dates...hope he’s what you expect and more

@CleverCatty Mr Nottie lol. I like the sound of Mr A and his cake

@StarlightSparkle Yes, it was so much easier when we were young! I have found myself wishing I had a big social circle again like I did back then, but its not going to happen really.

I've whittled down to messaging just one guy now and he seems interesting so far, I've not been totally bored. It's so hard to know what to do for the best re asking to meet or not @CleverCatty and @sugarlost. I don't want to scare him off!

I think Flaky needs to stay blocked by the sounds of it. It's easier said than done though, I know.

@OutingMyself I asked Mr dj out...

We had been chatting for a week and generally I wait for them to ask...

But I had just been ditched by mr salesman so when he asked what I was doing with my free afternoon I said "how about getting a coffee together ?"

And he said yes and then I left it to him to suggest a place.

At least you know then as if after a week or even 2-3 days they are not prepared to potentially "waste" an hour with you, then there's no point carrying on talking really.

I haven't heard from Mr Computer Geek since yesterday afternoon when we arranged the time. I'm now worrying that he isn't interested. He wanted to meet at mine 🙄😯 and I said no the pub because of safety etc. which he said he was cool with. I think he thought he may have been getting more than a drink. I told him when we first started chatting that it's been a while, since I was with my ex for 14 years and single for 3 and I'm really nervous about everything, he said that's fine we can take it slow. Its been a while(17 years my ex was the last one) since I was a 20 something sleeping around and having one night stands(I can't change what I did) and I don't want to do that again but its not as if I said no either.

Everyone has been telling me he is probably still with his ex and just wants a bit of lunchtime sex. I went against my gut which was telling me to run. He seemed so nice though, I know how he is feeling right now. I feel like a fool though. I keep hoping he'll message this morning and surprise me.

@isitreally77 Yeah, wanting to meet at yours does sound a bit 'only after one thing' :( I wish they'd just be clear about what they're after.

My interesting guy suddenly stopped replying at about 9pm last night. I hope he's not another disappearer.