Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Oh, I spoke too soon. A message

Slight breakthrough with Mr Hottie.

Texted him last night as I thought I might as well, he mentioned he was seeing a friend by seaside (quite town) this weekend and then said he hated taking selfies but would try to get some photos this weekend.

I do think he's a bit different to me - was more into bands and pubs whereas I was a full on clubbing girl in my 20s LOL.

ComebackKid has agreed to a date at an outside pub with heaters.

@Angelofdeath

Aah sorry Starlight. It's crap isn't it, I try to be all fine & not all bothered but it does upset me sometimes. I'm being genuine so why can't they be genuine too?! (Too much to ask, I know ) Sending you luck for your new one.

sugar Good luck with Flaky, I hope you manage to finally have that call!
Yeah that 8 messages about sums the whole experience up doesn't it, excitement then let down, x1000
Nobody worth talking to, one nice new pic but his name is 'Pleasure' so nope!

CleverCatty Glad things are going well.

AngelofDeath - will try to reply to your and other people's messages but felt like crap today with cold - hope not Covid 19!

Nothing like a cold/virus thing to take your mind off romance

I had three messages in the end. I replied to the most promising looking one and he hasn't got back to me in hours. Hopefully he's just busy!

I'm feeling really shit about someone I used to go out with posting stuff on Facebook and could really do with the distraction of a response.

@CleverCatty Mr Hottie...opposites attract . Looking forward to hearing about your date with ComebackKid...I like the sound of him.

@Angelofdeath Feeling a bit sad today which I shamefully partly blame on Flaky being his usual self and not responding...how sad am I? May have to block him again as this can’t go on...well nothing is going on in reality .
I have some more matches...last batch didn’t respond but hopefully one will of new batch[maybe they are all gremlins in disguise ...I’d prefer a cuddly Gizmo at this stage]. Would be nice to have a coffee date with someone...
Oh Mr Pleasure...those kind of names put me off too!

@OutingMyself Hopefully he will reply. I hope you’re feeling brighter...social media can be a demon. I hear you about needing the distraction....

It’s hard being alone at times.

@Angelofdeath I've blocked him again. He had no intention of meeting me and I don't know what the issue with speaking to me was...I even suggested non video call. He said he had no partner....Even when we were meant to meet I was going to meet near where he lived ....he made no effort. I'm not sure why I let him do this...false hope I guess and attractive. They just don't care...

One of my matches responded so will reply later. I was messaging another guy last night but unmatched as he wouldn't be suitable and wanted fun and I just felt nothing.

Lol Gizmo...he is sooooo cute...cuter than guys online.and would treat me better! Could sing to me in the morning and at night

The only thing about a date on birthday weekend is if it doesn't work out and your disappointed on your special weekend but I guess it could work out and be lovely so it's a gamble. Do you have any nice plans or treating yourself?

Blocking definitely sounds like it was the right thing to do with that one, @sugarlost. Onwards and upwards with the next match.

That guy hasn't replied to me still so it's looking like it's not happening. I've replied to someone else, but I've noticed in his profile he says he is "all about the bants"! So not sure that will work out for me 😁

@OutingMyself I’m glad I blocked him...I feel better already.
Mr Bants lol I get put off so easily but he could be lovely...fingers crossed.

@Angelofdeath I’ve had another match who has messaged so we shall see.
No to strange Gizmo lol

I understand your thinking for birthday weekend. Whatever you do I hope it’s great....trashy movie and takeaway also sounds good!

Guess who just messaged me....Mr Confident who I unmatched as he was unresponsive after our 2 hour messaging marathon. We were going to meet last Thursday for coffee ...I had given him my number although he had not provided his. For a few seconds I thought should I go there and then I blocked....I wasn’t expecting to hear from him. Just when you put them to the back of your mind they pop up again...he must have run out of options

Happy Saturday!

@Angelofdeath we’ll never understand some men unfortunately....I don’t even understand myself at times. I think it’s best to try and assess whilst communicating.....it’s all bull...until it happens.....I think that’s what they say in one of the rules for dating on other thread.

Maybe Mr TV likes watching the ads....you have to laugh.

Well I’ve been communicating with another match who is nearly 10 years younger...he talked about having a drink together and I was thinking is he going to suggest a bar but no with Covid thinks it will be nice if I go to his...I suggested public place first but he doesn’t seem keen but has agreed to video call. TBH I’m getting more disappointed with OLD but what do I expect from a man 10 years younger from me they will be expecting legs in the air....and I don’t know if I can be bothered anymore. I think I’d rather a cup of tea and biscuits and an early night if it’s not a established FWB.
Also I haven’t been to a man’s place who I don’t know in years...so this is also putting me off as aware of the risks.

That’s a shame no one got your I’m single vibes...I wish people connected to mine whilst out
Mr Confident...yep he missed out ...the only one I shamefully sat waiting for was Flaky.

😄 @angelofdeath 'Nothing lengthy' really made me laugh, sorry! It's so true that they sometimes write complete nonsense.

Mr Bants clearly wasn't that interested in the bants because he didn't get back to me.

I did hear from the promising guy, but he was talking about the crazy times we are living in and asked if I am working. Presumably that means he's not (not necessarily a problem atm) rather than checking I'm not a good digger?!

That reminds me that I tried to put out some 'single and hot' vibes whilst shopping in Sainsbury's the other day, and managed to catch the attention of an old man shopping with his wife

I was supposed to be going on a date today but he cancelled saying he had some really bad family news this morning. I was fine at the time but now I'm actually really upset. I got stood up and then ghosted last year by someone I had been talking to for a month, and it broke me and I thought I was strong enough to try again(I actually asked my gym instructor out earlier this year no problem and he said no and I still see him and nothings changed but online dating effects me more). I actually told this guy I was really nervous due to what happened last year and he said he wouldn't do that to me.

I sent a message saying I hope he is alright and if he wants to reschedule and have heard nothing. I suppose if he does have family stuff to deal with he may not be able to reply.

I had a date arranged last week who cancelled as he was in a&e with broken ribs, he carried on messaging until Wednesday and then nothing.

I think I'm destined to be single.

@Isitreally77 sorry to hear how you are feeling about the cancelled date. It's true what they say about trying to have a thick skin whilst OLD but it's not always easy.
We have to be careful about over investing based on messages alone. People can say many things but in reality alot of people are chatting bull. I think many people online have no intention of meeting for whatever reason and it's an ego boost for them but can be soul destroying for those on the others side.

I have such bad confidence I something expect them not to turn up when I do have the odd date or that they'll see me and leave.

There could be someone amazing round the corner for us all. We have to try and remain positive but I must admit the last few days haven't been great for me. Men just seem to want sex and I feel I've missed the boat in settling down at times.

Try not to focus on this disappointment if you can but I know it's disheartening. I hope you feel much brighter soon.

Ahh just checking back in after a super busy week !

Got seriously messed about by Mr Salesman/Mr Chatty (realise I gave him 2 names, oops !).

Chatted to him non stop last week, he cancelled on Friday for childcare reasons.

Then said he would call Saturday morning... and didn't, and never mentioned it again.

Then Saturday night at midnight he texted to say he was child-free on Sunday so we could meet up.

I replied at 9am.

At 11.30am he said actually he was going out on a boat trip and didn't know when he'd be back ... so leave it til Monday.

Sunday night he texted a bit but didn't mention meeting up (time or place).

So I said "are we still meeting?" and he was all for it for Monday afternoon.

And then Monday late morning he texted an essay about how he wasn't in a position to offer me what I wanted as he is job-seeking and how I was too good for him bla bla bla... So he preferred to "protect" me by cancelling the date.

What a load of crap ! Still shook me up a bit, I forgot the golden rule of not investing until you actually meet!

Also I had got dressed up a bit (well work clothes but nice ones) so I decided to text Mr DJ who had been asking what I was up to, and lo and behold we met for tea and it was great.

I definitely missed a bullet there with Mr Salesman (who actually started trying to engage with me again later on in the day but I cut him short).

And MR DJ might be the nicest person I've ever met ! Super interesting, great listener, thinks I'm fascinating .

He is quite overweight after giving up smoking and lockdown but losing it.

I am pretty tiny so we are quite a contrast but I was genuinely attracted to him as a person and physically even though all my exes have been skinny.

So this week we have had 2 "proper dates" (cinema and dinner) and 2 "sex dates" at his - I can feel my determination to just have a casual relationship slipping - he is super cuddly and affectionate and it's just so nice after my v. cold abusive ex husband.

Feels quite scarey though, not at all what I set out to do on Tinder - but perhaps the best way to find a "real relationship" is to not look for one? Or just pick someone nice ?

Got a long train journey tomorrow so will catch up on everyone's dates or non-dates - big wave to all on the thread feeling a bit down or self-doubting

@sugarlost, @Angelofdeath thank you. I think I just like to believe everyone is genuine, that men aren't arseholes who get their kicks by agreeing to see someone they had no intention of seeing. I don't know why I thought this one would be any different. At least he replied to my message last night (he wasn't his usual chatty self though). I did say family always comes first which he said he appreciated me saying.

My friend thinks he may have been caught by his ex wife (he says they had split up but are still living in the same house, I'm not so sure I believe him now), he said he has 3 young kids with her so if they did have some really bad family news I suppose he would have to be there for them (they're at the age when they probably want Dad around when they're upset). I want to ask what the bad news was but I don't think its any if my business but I want to know the reason he cancelled on me. Urgh I'm getting over invested again but he was hot and fit (and would have been a massive upgrade on my areshole of an ex who treated me like shit).

Thank you @Angelofdeath I know its none of my business why he cancelled, he cancelled he told me and that's all I need. He messaged just now so he is still making an effort. I've been in his situation, I lived with my ex for 14 months after we split up as we were trying to sell the house and I know it's hell and it can be so lonely. I suffered with depression during that time it was so bad and have not cried so much, so I understand some of what he is going through (we didn't have kids). So living with the ex whilst I'm not completely comfortable about it I can see why he is still there.

We shall see, he might actually be genuine and I haven't had much luck with genuine men so far.

Ladies can I just ask your advice. Despite signing myself off dating I did engage in messaging someone for the past week or so. We met on Friday for a lovely beach walk. We got on well and there was a degree of physical attraction on my part but more on his I think. We had a few quick but enjoyable kisses before we left and he wants to meet again. He seems genuinely lovely but I'd say physically I was more attracted to my last date but he wasnt as nice/genuine a person. I know its early days but how much focus do you put on the physical side of things? I do realise its early days and some of his texts last night very politely suggested hes attracted to me. Calling on your combined wealth of experience here....thanks!