Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@Angelofdeath I think he used work as an excuse... the time we scheduled...I just didn't buy it and he's called Mr Flaky for a reason

Lol 'what if there never is a next one?' I'm with you there...I keep trying because of Covid(boredom) brought me there again and having something to contribute to this thread. I feel I may have to delete app though due to lack of matches... I've tried nearly every site!

I think I'm liking Mr School run... something to look forward to on school run!

I can't believe how awful men are calling you fat on site.. remember to block and report

@Msyoganidra32 welcome. That's great news about Mr Smiley! We love a good news dating story here.
Sorry to hear of your previous experiences and being scammed..that must have been awful. I hope you had support to get you through it.
Wishing you continued happiness with Mr Smiley...you deserve it

I think I need to hear a good news msyoga as my experience so far has been pretty abysmal!

The date I really liked, who I’ll call Mr Musical , seems to have gone quiet since we started discussing dates to book in a 2nd date. He’s never been one for sending lots of messages and we have gone a day or two without messaging before but this will be the 3rd day I’ve not heard from him. I will be gutted if he ghosts me now!

I am still messaging ‘Mr Events’, the one who seems like a player. He’s asked me to meet a couple of times but I was too busy. I might meet up with him if he still wants to and Mr Musical doesn’t get in touch. He’s only looking for casual but that doesn’t seem so bad right now.

Sugar when are you meeting Mr Flaky? This week? I don’t get the ones who chat then disappear but then resurface. I usually assume they have a few chats/ potentials on the go and can’t give their undivided attention to everyone!

Angel that’s awful that people are so rude to you. I bet most of the men who have the temerity to pass comment on your appearance aren’t oil paintings themselves. If you’re not having joy on that site at the moment would you try a different one? I seem to have more success on some than others. By success, I mean getting a few dates, not that they ever lead anywhere! If not, there’s always Mr School Run! There are some nice dads on my school run but they’re all married.

Did you see Mr DJ jamais? 10 years younger man sounds good!

@StarlightSparkle I hope Mr Musical comes good but I find it frustrating when that happens.. how long does it take to send a message unless you're like me and write a lengthy response on here and it disappears.
Mr Flaky is getting on my nerves and it's the time he takes to respond to a message too...I don't know what he's game is..I know he wants casual but I'm over the flakiness to be honest but I have no other options..I mentioned next weekend as meet again as saw your question but he hasn't responded..

I have messaged 5 new matches before coming on here ..see this thread is encouraging me so I have something to say. I doubt I'll get replies as this happened before but you gotta be in it to win it

BTW before blocking Mr Italian I asked if Covid worried him whilst dating...he responded doggy...I didn't think it was funny just added to the sleeze..

@Angelofdeath what have we said about Mr No photo's lol

Yes there are some nasty characters on this site too..best not too respond if we encounter them.

Mr School run..Lol I hear what you're saying but what if he was the love of your life and you never gave it a chance? I guess you have to think if it's worth the risk of not working out..

I'm upfront like you with my pictures...even when I liked my old photos I never had much luck...still not posted new profile picture

Hi everyone, just checking in, still no luck for me!! Had one I was chatting to, arranged to meet sometime I have him a couple of days I was free, he picked one, didn’t from him then for a few days even tho he was on watsapp constantly! Then messaged yesterday said sorry I haven’t been in touch Iv been busy, so I’m not keen now really don’t want to be messed around!
My other one was one who was asking if I lived on my own and could we snuggle up and watch a film! So I’m back to square one!
Xx

Hi all, last week was very busy work and home wise and I'm trying not to spend so much time on my phone!
So apologies if I've not caught up on all of your adventures!
Had another date on Friday night, messaging had been good, quite liked his photo but although we got on and had a nice enough evening zero chemistry. So annoying!

So back to the drawing board! I matched with someone on Saturday morning and we've been messaging since and have moved to WhatsApp. I had looked at his profile but dismissed it as he's quite good looking and a bit flash looking so I thought he'd not be interested in me but also that's not really my type. But then when I've matched with what I thought was my type there's no chemistry! He liked me a week ago and I ignored it and then he liked me again on Saturday morning so after Friday night I thought sod it and liked him so we matched. He started messaging, he's quite funny but I think possibly too flash for me. He's suggested coffee this week but never comes up with a response when I ask him when is good for him.Not overly optimistic but nothing ventured nothing gained!

I'm 51 in a few weeks, I'll get kicked off onto the over 50s thread! God that's so old!

Sugarlost and Angelofdeath - I am feeling better thanks!

The tier system in London has thrown up a few spanners in the works re dating:-

Comeback kid (the one who was messaging earlier this year and I didn't meet but he came back to me recently) - he wants to meet but to 'break the rules' and meet inside as opposed to outside. I said no, I have a couple of immune compromised conditions anyway, he said he'll wait.

Seaside Chef - who I planned to meet last week - he is happy to meet outside but isn't in London again until end of month - perfect for me.

Mr Hottie - he is I think now in his 4th week of recovering from an appendix operation, he said he wasn't sure about meeting up in this climate - I think he feels nervous after his operation - I texted him last week - he replied with quite a lengthy text, i replied but no reply. Now wondering what to do. I don't want to ask him on a date but wondering is it worth texting him again. He did say he was finding it a bit difficult recovering from the op - I think it was straightforward but maybe slight complications.

Msyoganidra32 - I think you were lucky with Match - I joined and paid more than you there and almost every time found although I was messaging some men - it wasn't worth the fees and when they automatically renewed I didn't like that either. Had at least 2 other friends not like Match either. Also some men who were 'not who they said' or breached the Match rules and were blocked by them. Whenever I asked (I think twice) for a refund etc from Match they were fine about it so am guessing that comes up a bit with them.

Funnily enough - yes Tinder you have to be lucky to meet someone nice but Seaside Chef seems really nice, Mr Hottie is from that too and someone I know met his now wife on Tinder!

OKCupid on the other hand although I've met a couple of dates and two boyfriends from there - I find that a few men tend to put things like 'want next relationship to last for a few months to a year' - that was a peach from a guy at the weekend, right - next!

Sugarlost - totally agree with the don't over-invest - think i might have said that here - messaged and texted a guy for ages - at least 4-5 months - finally met and it was awful - zero chemistry and I think he'd shagged a girl on a short break away (fine but still gives me an icky feeling if you're speaking to me). Now I prefer to meet first and sooner rather than later.

Angelofdeath - I get what you say about Mr Pretty - sometimes I get men who so obviously work out - and I so obviously don't - LOL a bit like you and I'm wondering like you are - why are you speaking to me and not some gym bunny Davina McCall lycra clad lovely?!

I totally get the school run shyness too - the height can't have helped - have lost track of how many times I've been out and about and someone tries to speak to me who's hot and I go shy.

I was actually on Wimbledon Common on Saturday - went round to my mum's house, we drove there and met a mutual friend of ours - lots of people, dogs etc - and a couple of cute guys, at least one of whom gave me the eye. Pity I was with DM and her friend who were both asking me about my love life or lack of! However, on the way back we were speaking to her NDN who's my age, I'm friendly with her, she has 3 DC and often takes them to parks and she said she'd love to go to Wimbledon Common but often got lost - so we're driving 2 cars there soon - maybe I'll push one of the kids in the direction of a hot man LOL.

jamais - changing profile for better matches? Not really - I mean I change a few words but not what I want.

Mr Chatty - great you're talking to him but I'd said don't over invest.

Mr Salesman - same - marathon texting is great but sometimes can be too much.

Mr DJ - great if you meet someone out and about but seems a bit - chance-like if that makes sense?!

Sugarlost - honestly - a Mr Flaky - I'd be slightly worried about - it's the dangling on a string I don't like and disappearing and coming back - game playing?

Years ago my DM was dating and had a game player - after I think waiting for him somewhere and he didn't turn up (they had been on dates) she went to a toy shop bought him Snakes and Ladders and handed it to him where he worked on a market stall saying 'this is for you seeing as you like playing games!'. LOL

Interesting date last night. First time we got naked and he commented that I was “hot” and a 9/10

Got dressed very quickly and mumbled an excuse about an early start.

Red flag or did I overreact?

GondolaBing

hmmm not sure about him - hot and 9/10 - does that mean you're more on the 'fling' side or not?!

Got dressed very quickly and early start, did he leave last night or early this morning? I can sort of see if he does need to be somewhere quickly and it is a Sunday night then yes - can see why he'd need to rush - but need some context here - I'd prefer him to stay for at least breakfast/coffee etc. My last boyfriend in the morning we went for a tired coffee/snack which was late morning or almost lunchtime before leaving but then we'd been up a lot in the night and it was a Saturday morning.

Angelofdeath
Yes it was me who got dressed quickly and left!

I can't keep up but I can keep up with myself....Mr Flaky has agreed to weekend meet but something doesn't feel right. I may insist on video call.. I'm not bothered to be honest...it feels like effort getting made up and then possibly undressed(he is keen) with no guarantee of FWB. I'm just not an ONS girl I can do FWB but nothing less.

@CleverCatty Glad you're feeling better.

Mr Hottie... maybe send a message when you feel ready to.

Loving the name Comeback Kid!

Genius loving the Snakes and Ladders( auto correct put snakes and ladies even technology is aware of what we are dealing with...snakes playing games ). Mr Flaky is a player and I have noone else...at least it's winter and I can hibinate

None of my five matches replied to my messages as predicted

I want to come to Wimbledon Common too lol maybe dating sites should hold an event there!

Will respond further later as have to go and scared will lose message again!

@CleverCatty I have heard stories of a similar nature of the site continuing to charge people and making it difficult to cancel etc . I don’t think it happened to me .
What I like about Mr Smiley is his upfrontness from the first date, very open and honest I have seen where he lives and it all fits in .
I know I m lucky to meet someone genuine and it is really hard.
Good luck to you all and the others who commented it really is a numbers game and hard to keep going .

@Angelofdeath I like Mr Schoolrun...sending positive vibes for him to talk to you and that he is single.
I don’t get why guys don’t listen when you want to stay on site for a bit.

Mr Italian seemed quite nice initially but he became very sexual and not in an appealing way...I hate when pretend and to be something there not just make your intentions clear!

I have 2 new matches if they have not unmatched me and I will message them...I may even message myself something nice in preparation for when they don’t respond

And Happy Birthday!

I have started to drink....oh dear

@Tiredmum8 one guy asked me to come round for Netflix and chill we had sent a few messages...he said he’d pay for an Uber...I declined. It’s hard out there but there are some good men it’s just finding them...

@VivaVegas Happy Birthday and you could stay here or do both sites and remember your in your prime

@GondolaBing I really don’t like men that rate women like that...reminds me of going on a date with a sleazy guy years ago and he was asking me to rate myself . I’m noticing a theme of me and sleaze.
I don’t think a man should make a woman feel uncomfortable...listen to your gut and I need to take my own advice...
Speaking of me again Mr Flaky has agreed to video call this week..hopefully it will happen and he can decide if he likes me...

@Angelofdeath it’s good you did your research on him...there are too many snakes online.....I definitely think they get off on the lies and the easy access to women...many who are also vulnerable.

Thanks for my pep talk I appreciate it. ‘ he does seem very ....distant?’ Lol lol It’s wishful thinking isn’t it...could you imagine if I had to change his name to Mr Amazing in Bed....not at this rate....I have no faith but let’s put him on the back burner because.......

I HAVE A DATE! Yes ladies you heard right with one of the two matches who replied back to me. I may contact Mumsnet HQ to ask if they can make an announcement....this deserves special attention...just like Christmas it doesn’t happen often

@Angel of death we are due to meet on Thursday and let’s call him Mr Confident. We messaged for about 2 hours and yes I’m a bit invested even if it doesn’t work out (casual) it was nice to have his company for a few hours messaging as sad as that may sound ( I hear the violins). I just want a hug

I always say to guys let’s see if you like me...I need help. Also maybe I should change my name to Casual...I don’t think I’m going to meet a Mr Longterm....anyway I’m eating chocolate, drinking tea and mentally preparing myself for Thursday as the nerves started from when it was arranged....

As I was messaging him I was thinking of updating you ladies

@Angelofdeath Thanks . Mr Confident does seem nice, it was nice to find out a bit about him and have actual communication for a period of time.

Lol Flaky as back up... I'm not bothered about him now ...it's made me think how unbothered he is.

I hear what you're saying about the distance..I would be the same. It's difficult factoring in all these things for dating.
Hope you see Mr School run

Hopefully some closer matches will pop up!

I'm feeling nervous about the date...wish I was more carefree and confident.

@Angelofdeath

CleverCatty Glad you are better. Comeback kid, sounds good if he is willing to wait! I've still yet to find one person who agrees with me being even slightly cautious. Mr Hottie sound similar to somebody I used to talk to, he had a spine operation & joined OLD as he was '80% back to health now', he would sent huge long messages for an evening & I thought we are well on our way to a meet, then he dissapeared for 2 weeks & said things had got on top of him but he was back now, feeling better, then a couple of nights of long messages before he was gone again. Etc. It made things really difficult as every time he came back it was like starting over as I trusted him a little less. But of course I could never understand what he was going through.

It's nice to find somebody with similar thoughts to me! Mr Pretty was one of the first ones to ever message me, obviously since then I've had loads of comments about 'Looking for a curvy lady' etc but he's really helped me with my confidence (when he's around!), he says things like 'If people are nasty about your weight then it's just cos they don't see what I can see when I look at your photos' (cheesy I know but sometimes you just need to hear it, you know?!)
Haha Mr school run, I'm gonna feel even more shy when I see him later as I've been talking about him
It was better the 2nd time we spoke as the kids were ahead.

Aww good luck at Wimbledon common then! Loving the snakes & ladders.

Gondola I'm not sure really, but if it made you uncomfortable then that's all you need to know really isn't it.

AngelofDeath - Comeback Kid is 10 years younger and is an IT guy for Amazon from one of the South American countries, has recently lost loads of weight and is training to become a personal trainer, misses travelling as he did that a lot - he's nice but seems slightly young in the sense that he didn't seem worried about Covid 19 until I pointed out to him my health issues and my DM's - and I didn't think I needed to do that really!

LOL - Mr Hottie isn't on the same scale as your spinal operation man - I think in those cases, it really can be bad - because their whole life has changed and if/when they recover it's not the same as before.

I spoke to Mr Hottie - thought I'll text him what the hell - we had a nice chat for 2 hours but I'm finding him slightly boring - he doesn't seem to have the 'verve' which other Londoners locally have - but then again don't know him well! I like to explore new areas, urban etc (Peckham?!) - he said he drove straight through Peckham LOL. Then he suggested a nice pub with a garden to meet (not for me, for me saying meeting friends) in Croydon - Croydon generally is one of my most hated places - can see why the Germans bombed it in the war (that's a joke! ). He seemed to like chatting to me though and when I signed off at 10ish I think would've liked to chat more. Expected me to remember everything I'd told him... serves me right speaking to more than one man.

Seaside Chef struggling to find venue to meet so I forwarded him a few places plus gastro pubs in SW London.

I just need to get this out there re previous ex - so if you stay with someone and they complain next day you fall asleep so quickly - say in a mumble and allude to the fact you can sleep so easily is because you don't have many worries? That was him. And reading his phone with light on in bed which woke me up. When he stayed at my place and I got out my ipad and this woke him, I went into living room yet he didn't do the same. We weren't matched were we... LOL

Mr Pretty sounds nice for an ego boost - sometimes that's what you want - someone to big you up even if you can't see it yourself!

I agree with someone else who said try to speak to Mr School Run soon - find out if he's single but have a chat. I had a dad (married) try to speak to me once near the school (we live just down the road from it!) - he just assumed I was one of the school mum's (asked me something about children, named a name) and then seemed slightly that I wasn't - maybe I just look that type LOL.

Sugarlost - great you have a date with Mr Confident!

I too don't like men who start off normal but are then sleazes - at least with Mr Italian he said it sooner than later.

I find re above - normal men who turn out sleazes - with them I suppose if they started out normal women are more hooked in by them, if they started out sleazy it'd go how it would in real life - they'd get an earful or a slap!

@CleverCatty Comeback Kid sounds appealing I think you described him before. The few guys I've communicated with don't seem too concerned about Covid but you're right to be careful because of your condition.

Lol Mr Hottie..maybe Comeback Kid can provide you with the excitement and take you away from Croydon lol
You better keep a spreadsheet so you don't get caught out with the different me your communicating with lol. I can just about communicate with two if I'm lucky. Multiple men takes technique and I haven't got that lol

Hope Seaside chef is a good date...it's nice when you have a nice venue.

Previous ex...not compatible I agree lol

If you look like a school mum it's a good look as you are being kept busy with make attention

Update Can you believe my second match replied a lengthy response. I'll call him Mr Gentle as he seems to have a nice vibe and I feel comfortable.

Not heard from Mr Confident...he didn't offer number. I think I was too excitable yesterday and the novelty is wearing off where I thought it could be something and I'm questioning the whole thing...
I'm not cut out for this mentally but let's see what Thursday brings... will try and stay positive

@Angelofdeath did you see him?

kept busy with male* attention