Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@jamaisjedors, you are so right. We think we are all cool and want something casual and then start to want something more defined. I think I will take a break as I'm finding that very testing and maybe just haven't been separated long enough or given myself enough time to firm up my self esteem and boundaries. I'm jealous of all of you on here who are so focused and can prioritize exactly what you want/dont want. Right now I'm wondering if I will ever be like that and if I'm destined to be on my own going forward!

LuckyLinda3 - from when I was married which is now almost 20 years ago - although 16 if you could when I got divorced I recall when I got married it was partly out of peer/family pressure etc and the push by some to have a family (which I didn't have).

When I was 36 and got divorced after 6 years of marriage I recall feeling relieved in one respect and also relieved that the separation and divorce (he agreed to unreasonable behaviour as he was a bit unreasonable) process was very quick. I then recall that I didn't want to date a man for ages - I was happy to have casual relationships, sex etc but one man I dated jokingly talked about marriage and I quickly binned him off! I knew what I wanted but I know some friends who didn't or don't know what they want. So I totally agree with you if you don't know what you want. Would a short course of therapy be a good idea?

@CleverCatty, thank you. Possibly? I had 6 sessions with a counsellor recently but she said she felt I was ready to go it alone and that it would take time but felt I had a positive attitude and time would sort the rest. I still love my ex and didn't instigate the split but he is very negative and was almost entirely self focused so I dont want that again. Maybe I'm just not ready for anything else right now. Time to revert to self care and boosting my self image and esteem first I think.

LuckyLinda I have been separated for 2 years and only started on the apps recently. Everyone is different, but I found it good to have some space after the end of my marriage and concentrate on myself and the kids and forget about men/ relationships for a while. I’ve actually enjoyed being single and only decided to sign up to an app in a bored moment during lockdown. If it’s not making you happy I think it’s good to take a break from it every now and again.

CleverCatty I agree about the sites being much of a muchness. I’ve had most success in terms of getting dates on Bumble, a little on Tinder and no luck at all on OKC. I think there are probably a few decent guys on all of them but they are heavily outnumbered by dickheads, so it’s hard to find them!

Jamais enjoy your evening!

I have a date this weekend so I’m keeping my fingers crossed for 3rd time lucky!

@StarlightSparkle I agree, I'm taking a break for a while and going to just focus on me and the kids. Good luck with your date!

[quote LuckyLinda3]@CleverCatty, thank you. Possibly? I had 6 sessions with a counsellor recently but she said she felt I was ready to go it alone and that it would take time but felt I had a positive attitude and time would sort the rest. I still love my ex and didn't instigate the split but he is very negative and was almost entirely self focused so I dont want that again. Maybe I'm just not ready for anything else right now. Time to revert to self care and boosting my self image and esteem first I think.[/quote]
LuckyLinda3 - oh bless you - have a very unMumsnetty hug from me .

I've been through the same as you with an ex - e.g. they instigated the split but I didn't want to - but not married to them.

I think self care and boosting esteem and self image is a great idea and can take time - but maybe give yourself a timescale on that - e.g. a year or less. Going out with friends helps a bit if only because not only can you talk to them but if you do meet any men you can control if you want to talk/flirt etc - but is better sometimes than staying in and looking at the 4 walls!

I'm back 🤣

After 5 dates in 2 weeks, it's over! Whilst we both find each other attractive and get on well, neither of us felt a connection/spark whatever you want to call it.

However it's been a fun couple of weeks so no regrets.

Back to the drawing board!

Hope those with dates this weekend have fun!

@CleverCatty, thank you for your virtual hug, so kind! Really hope time will sort all this out for me and that fun times lie ahead!!

"What works for me is developing chemistry, over a period of time, in a non-pressurised atmosphere. "

Isn't that true for most people? The problem is that group activities, social clubs, etc. aren't possible at the moment are they? So where would you meet people in that kind of way?

@CleverCatty Sorry your date was cancelled. Your ex sounds selfish regarding domination and what he wants to do and what you shouldn’t do...ex for a reason. Some people are fixated on things that we wouldn’t even thinking about...maybe it was money with the house...

It’s good to make your intentions clear regarding wasting time with potential partners.

I was supposed to have a date today....had a feeling it wouldn’t work out. He has been so flaky in messages... I mentioned it before but thought I just want casual so it’s ok. I put on a dress and was getting upset because he was still mucking me about via lack of responses about the meeting and I then messaged to cancel and apologised (I shouldn’t have apologised)...to be honest I don’t think he’d turn up. I’m now sitting in bed and going to get a strong drink and listen to sad songs as I’m dramatic like that...I’m also going to eat lots of chocolate and spray some nice perfume .
I’m sick of this shit...maybe it’s my emotions and feeling like I’ve been messed about. Also getting hardly any online matches...one guy messaged late last night how I am...I responded about what I did and asked how his day was...he replied ‘that’s good’...FFS!

I then text Mr One Night so you can see my state of mind is sad. Mr One Night hasn’t responded because he’s just not into me. I have to laugh and be kind to myself otherwise I think I may go crazy. I may have a little cry later I’m just fed up. This time last week I was feeling good but it’s these little things that can mess me up. I’m also upset that I had a good day yesterday and I’ve let some stranger upset me when I saw red flags but thought I’m not getting any matches and he is attractive!

I don’t like my profile pics and not helping how I feel. My friend said they are nice but I just don’t like them. I’ll take some new ones when in the mood...

I remember that long questionnaire from Eharmony years ago and yes that’s why I didn’t join looking back lol. Those crucial questions can be important like you say...length of previous relationships and can sometimes be red flags.

@LuckyLinda3 Give yourself time.Its good you know what you don’t want regarding your ex. Self care is the way forward!
I thinking I’m destined to be on my own as that’s the story of my life
So far and that’s preferable to an unhappy relationship but I want some action with someone I’m attracted to now and again...it just seems like I’m asking to win The Euromillions at this rate!

@VivaVegas glad you had fun! Hopefully that sparky man will come your way soon....

@Gwenhwyfar! I think there are some socially distanced activities going on ...have you tried meet up? I haven’t got the energy for groups at the moment. I met a lovely young man at one event before Corona...he seemed taken with me or maybe it was my imagination....probably was my imagination anyway kept saying why I did not want children he was trying to change my mind...if I was 10 years younger maybe..

@Angelofdeath how can they sext with a photo whose face are we meant to imagine....a celebrity? I’d need something to work with

Lol blocking extra photo requests..I don’t blame you...it’s hard work! I feel like sleeping now and waking up tomorrow following my non date...he’s messaging..player!

I’m sure your haircut looks great...Give it time...the likes will come.xx

@Angelofdeath *without a photo

@sugarlost thank you. Sorry to hear about your disappointments but you sound so genuinely lovely that I'm sure your time will come 💐

Sorry sugar. The flaky guys are the worst and it’s really disappointing when you’ve been looking forward to a date. Hate the ones who take forever to reply and then it’s really lame too. I had one like that a few weeks ago. Waiting over 24 hours for ‘fine thanks’ just doesn’t cut it. Also drives me mad when you talk about something, ask a question and they ask nothing in return. I just unmatch pretty quickly now.

My date today was disappointing - nice enough guy but knew instantly I didn’t fancy him and he didn’t look as attractive as the photos had suggested. Would’ve pulled away if he’d gone in for a kiss so just as well he didn’t!

I have another one lined up later in the week but if that’s no good I have no other chats ongoing so it’ll be completely back to the drawing board.

Ahh sorry @sugarlost that you had a crappy Sunday.

Hope you are feeling more positive now it's the start of a new week.

Wave to @VivaVegas too !

@StarlightSparkle keep us posted.

With me I had a nice time (euphemism for fun in bed ) on Friday night with Mr Hanglider and saw him again for more of the same on Sunday. Although the sex is pretty amazing for me (he takes care of me multiple times) he didn't manage to finish the last 2 times.

Never encountered that before but I've done a bit of reading about it and it seems I definitely shouldn't make it about me (what have I done/not done) but not sure whether to try and talk about it with him or not.

I know that Friday he was totally knackered as he had been doing a lot of sport. Sunday in theory he was rested and ready .

We don't actually have another firm date lined up yet, I floated seeing each other next weekend but he's not sure if he has his kids yet.

I'm the one who wanted casual so I can't complain but I have more going on in my life than him so need to maximise my use of child-free slots and plan ahead at least a little.

[quote sugarlost]@CleverCatty Sorry your date was cancelled. Your ex sounds selfish regarding domination and what he wants to do and what you shouldn’t do...ex for a reason. Some people are fixated on things that we wouldn’t even thinking about...maybe it was money with the house...

It’s good to make your intentions clear regarding wasting time with potential partners.

I was supposed to have a date today....had a feeling it wouldn’t work out. He has been so flaky in messages... I mentioned it before but thought I just want casual so it’s ok. I put on a dress and was getting upset because he was still mucking me about via lack of responses about the meeting and I then messaged to cancel and apologised (I shouldn’t have apologised)...to be honest I don’t think he’d turn up. I’m now sitting in bed and going to get a strong drink and listen to sad songs as I’m dramatic like that...I’m also going to eat lots of chocolate and spray some nice perfume .
I’m sick of this shit...maybe it’s my emotions and feeling like I’ve been messed about. Also getting hardly any online matches...one guy messaged late last night how I am...I responded about what I did and asked how his day was...he replied ‘that’s good’...FFS!

I then text Mr One Night so you can see my state of mind is sad. Mr One Night hasn’t responded because he’s just not into me. I have to laugh and be kind to myself otherwise I think I may go crazy. I may have a little cry later I’m just fed up. This time last week I was feeling good but it’s these little things that can mess me up. I’m also upset that I had a good day yesterday and I’ve let some stranger upset me when I saw red flags but thought I’m not getting any matches and he is attractive!

I don’t like my profile pics and not helping how I feel. My friend said they are nice but I just don’t like them. I’ll take some new ones when in the mood...

I remember that long questionnaire from Eharmony years ago and yes that’s why I didn’t join looking back lol. Those crucial questions can be important like you say...length of previous relationships and can sometimes be red flags.

@LuckyLinda3 Give yourself time.Its good you know what you don’t want regarding your ex. Self care is the way forward!
I thinking I’m destined to be on my own as that’s the story of my life
So far and that’s preferable to an unhappy relationship but I want some action with someone I’m attracted to now and again...it just seems like I’m asking to win The Euromillions at this rate!

@VivaVegas glad you had fun! Hopefully that sparky man will come your way soon....

@Gwenhwyfar! I think there are some socially distanced activities going on ...have you tried meet up? I haven’t got the energy for groups at the moment. I met a lovely young man at one event before Corona...he seemed taken with me or maybe it was my imagination....probably was my imagination anyway kept saying why I did not want children he was trying to change my mind...if I was 10 years younger maybe..

@Angelofdeath how can they sext with a photo whose face are we meant to imagine....a celebrity? I’d need something to work with

Lol blocking extra photo requests..I don’t blame you...it’s hard work! I feel like sleeping now and waking up tomorrow following my non date...he’s messaging..player!

I’m sure your haircut looks great...Give it time...the likes will come.xx[/quote]
sugarlost - he wants to rearrange and said he'd had a Covid 19 test and it was negative and he has man flu! I have another date organised for this Thursday, nice enough man but not sure about him.

Then there's this one man (don't we have one of these?!) who is the one I really fancy - whom last night I totally forgot what he'd messaged me, including work etc and asked him this again - he will either think i'm totally strange re forgetting about what he did etc! So we've been messaging 2 weeks, he lives locally etc - if he hasn't asked me for my number or a date yet is it (I know it goes against the grain here!) ok for me to either ask for his number or suggest a date? Should I maybe drop hints re a bar?!

Yes, ex was ex for a reason. He was also a bit formal re paying for drinks, coffees etc on dates so after a while I just thought - ok if I have a Groupon for a meal etc I would just treat him to it, also wasn't sure if he was finding it hard with money as I assumed he had a big mortgage etc - I then found out that he'd paid significantly less for his posh Wharf side flat in London than I'd thought, and last I'd heard during lockdown was living off his savings as his contracts (IT work) - one had ended just at lockdown time, and he was going to France for a holiday. I thought after that, no way will I assume about finances - might just ask! Non generosity is what I hate in a man. Another thing which made me laugh about him - he didn't like/couldn't cook so hardly had anything in the house - yet if I brought over stuff to cook - nothing amazing like those baked enchiladas packs you add ingredients to or made a spag bol at home he seemed interested. Yes ex for a reason!

Sorry to hear re your date messing you about re lack of responses and I don't blame you for cancelling on him - that's really silly of someone to do what he's done and it doesn't fill one with hope or joy does it?

@Angelofdeath

jamais Going well! Starlight Oh well, good luck for the next one! I spoke to a new one last night & this morning (he likes my hair cut ) He seems ok but I'm just not feeling it. No reason I can really put my finger on apart from the messages are very.. bland? Just standard really. I also already feel like it's only me asking the questions & I'm getting very limited answers back. He's put some more photos on this morning & while it's not all about looks for me he just doesn't 'grab my attention' I guess.

My 2nd date I was a bit 'Meh' about his photo & he looked lovely in person & I know you can't really tell by messages so I just don't know!

Angelofdeath - I think with the new one if you're not getting what you want out of the limited answers from him then just leave it.

Funnily enough the man I really like on Tinder (see last message) - at first he was a bit - not bland but seemed a bit like pulling teeth with messages, I then thought - sod it I'll ask a few more questions and if nothing will give up - which had the desired effect - he then was more animated and asking me questions. Also - he's just had a fairly serious operation - well 2 weeks ago - and is recovering from it - says he still feels sore etc so that's one reason why I personally wouldn't be feeling 'up' if I was on a dating site.

AngelofDeath - oh I'm not sure about asking him out! I can just tell though - well from my end - I'd shag him stupid (I'd probably wait!) at some point - he is very yummy from my point of view - maybe from others too though.

Question about someone - he plays poker regularly e.g. every week - that's ok isn't it?! Used to have an ex who used to gamble e.g. betting on horses etc lol

AngelofDeath - I think if you're a man of a certain age earning a certain salary then why not play poker if you have the money to do it and enjoy it?

My ex who did this was a few years ago, he was a salesman so on commission and this gambling seemed to be a risk for him too - e.g. once he won big as bet a golfer would win this tournament - who was an outside chance or something - he's now married with kids and personally if i was his wife I'd take a dim view at him doing this with those commitments.

Honestly - I like the way you're asking questions - but no photo I always think is a bad sign - either they have severe low confidence issues or cheater etc. No whatsapp is strange too - is that because the wife/GF would get suspicious? Everyone uses text or whatsapp these days.

Jamais - the sex with Mr Hanglider seems good and if casual is what you both want then you just need to sort out his and your childcare arrangements.

So I've got a date on Thursday but I'll go but not feeling it and supposed to have another date but Friday and this weekend is out for me and he wants to meet tomorrow. Aarrgghh!

AngelofDeath - I have gone from no messages and dates to having a few - I think it's swings and roundabouts...

However, I also (due to a hair salon disaster this summer) have gone back to a dark brown (sort of) - it's more my natural colour but looks darker than what I was - which was golden blonde, or dark blonde with highlights! Maybe that;s attracted the shallow men...

One word messages are awful - no one has time for that and if you're not feeling it but he is then I think it's kinder not to string them along!

Ok - Mr Hottie has his poker night tomorrow - so I am going to do what my platonic male friend who I met for a date on Tinder and I swear still fancies me but he's not my type (don't we all have one of those?!) - said - I asked him tomorrow - he said just ask to swap numbers so will do this today or tomorrow.

I also have a cute Welsh guy on OKC and a French guy who seems nice but not sure if I fancy him. I'm so shallow. But surely it's best to go with someone you fancy rather than not?!