Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating in your 40s

966 replies

StarlightSparkle · 13/08/2020 22:45

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

OP posts:
Angelofdeath · 05/10/2020 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarlost · 05/10/2020 21:05

Lol it's funny how our view changes with time. It helps not to be disappointed and I think it's realistic.
When I do go on a date I tell myself I will have a nice time and it's good to meet new people. Years ago I was hoping every date may be the one!

LuckyLinda3 · 05/10/2020 21:26

@sugarlost my husband left in January but we have had a few splits over the years so it made it easier. I miss having someone to spend time with but maybe it's just too soon.

sugarlost · 05/10/2020 22:01

@LuckyLinda3 it's a difficult one sometimes people split and find a partner quite soon and it works well but I guess it depends on the person.

I am use to my own company and normally keep busy socially but Covid has reduced that alot which is part of the reason I went online again.

It sounds like you're having doubts so maybe take a break and reassess? If you're not feeling comfortable about the situation, give yourself time the apps will always be there and so will this thread ;). Alternatively you could keep going but watch out for those red flags for potential love interests.

LuckyLinda3 · 05/10/2020 23:09

@sugarlost your kindness means so much. I think I will take a break until after Christmas and maybe try again then.

Angelofdeath · 06/10/2020 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyLinda3 · 06/10/2020 08:42

@Angelofdeath thank you. You are so right it's hard to know. As a further complication my ex texted last night to see if I was ok and told me he would always care. I'm trying so hard to move on that this isint helping. I know I love him but the relationship was entirely one sided so i dont want to let myself go back there. Why does it have to be so complicated???

Angelofdeath · 06/10/2020 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamaisjedors · 06/10/2020 09:08

As a further complication my ex texted last night to see if I was ok and told me he would always care oh god @LuckyLinda3 that's tough, @Angelofdeath too.

My ex also emailed me repeatedly to ask if we could get back together (desite making my life hell during the divorce - still ongoing).

In the end it was messing with my head so much that I emailed back to say that my decision to separate was final and that I understood that he still had feelings but that I didn't want to hear about them and would not be replying to any future messages on the subject.

I suggested he talk to friends or a therapist instead to help him move on.

No more messages.

jamaisjedors · 06/10/2020 09:12

My news here is that I met up with Mr Hanglider yesterday at his and had sex ! First new man for 25 years !

Plus first since separating from exH last May.

It was a little surreal trying to adjust to someone new but also pretty good for a first time so promising !

It was actually really nice to cuddle with someone afterwards too, which was quite unexpected for me, I thought it was just the sex I was missing Grin.

Now I'm just feeling super frustrated with my situation which makes it almost impossible to have any "alone" time with a new man - every single one I've met has their kids on the opposite schedule to me (a French thing).

Luckily this guy finishes work at 4pm so we might be able to meet up for a 4-6pm slot !!!

Angelofdeath · 06/10/2020 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelofdeath · 06/10/2020 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyLinda3 · 06/10/2020 09:28

Thank you so much @Angelofdeath and @jamaisjedors, much appreciated.

sugarlost · 06/10/2020 19:32

@LuckyLinda3 you’re sweet ;).
It’s hard to move on from the Ex sometimes if they are lingering in the background...I think I would need a clean break unless I had moved on emotionally.

@Angelofdeath I think I still have a hidden hope with some dates when in reality it’s a fantasy lol. Fantasy is alway better then reality though lol

@jamaisjedors that was a good move with telling ex to see a therapist/speak to friendship . Why can’t they just let it go.

That’s great news about Mr Hanglider....it felt good when I dusted away my cobwebs away! Fingers crossed for you ;)

jamaisjedors · 06/10/2020 20:01

@sugarlost thanks for the crossed fingers!

I think I need them as I'm not as tough as I thought. I was the one saying to mr hanglider yesterday that I didn't want anything serious.

And then of course today, after we slept together, I am feeling a little vulnerable and was a bit put out when he didn't answer some of my texts quickly.

I wouldn't have even noticed before, I ws the usually the one to be slow to reply.

Anyway I've pulled myself together, put the phone down and kept busy and had s nice dinner with my kids, and now he's texted of course!

But I can definitely see how online dating could also harm your self esteem especially if you are not particularly busy or live alone. I'm pretty much always busy, but things are slower at work and suddenly I'm looking at my phone all the time and hoping for a bit of company and distraction...

sugarlost · 06/10/2020 20:53

@jamaisjedors I know what you mean feeling vulnerable after sleeping together. I was hoping Mr Cobwebduster would text but nothing. I’m not really surprised as I initiated the daily communications except for maybe two days when he did. But he hugged me goodbye and had said he had a really good time despite his mood. I don’t want a relationship with him but it’s an extreme of going from many messages a day to nothing... It feels like a dream now...I was punching above my weight from seeing his pictures online so I guess I was lucky lol. I was also punching above my weight with my previous casual guy.

It’s good to keep busy..it’s a good distraction from what this can do to your emotions. I think many people are effected the same way. I did feel energised the next day after our encounter and a bit more confident but this went the next day.

Online dating definitely affects my self esteem negatively at times although I try and fight it and act like I’m in control. I’m much better at this now then when I was younger but it’s draining at times.

jamaisjedors · 07/10/2020 08:21

@sugarlost thanks for sharing, glad I'm not alone on the vulnerability !

Still feeling a bit wobbly now, we exchanged a few messages last night but no good night or good morning.

I think the cuddle after sex triggered something in me and made me realise maybe I do want a bit more than just sex after all!

Grr, complicated stuff !

Angelofdeath · 07/10/2020 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CleverCatty · 07/10/2020 11:05

Apologies for not updating recently - family stuff etc!

So - I've got a date this Friday with someone whom I matched with on Bumble back in January/February and then we were supposed to go on a date but apparently I cancelled, i do recall he was nervous about Covid etc. Anyway he changed mobile phone numbers texted me a week ago and we got chatting and he asked me on a date again so I thought sod it why not - he's about 10 years younger than me and seems keen.

Then there's another man - lives locally and at first I wasn't sure if he was interested or not but now in the past few days we've been chatting more about the weather and cities etc places we've been to which we like or haven't been to. Have been talking for past 2 weeks but how much longer should I 'talk?'

CleverCatty · 07/10/2020 11:11

Jamaislesdors - well done on the having sex with Mr Hanglider - I agree the cuddling is nice afterwards too. No cuddling you feel like a one night stand option.

I agree with what people say about OLD and if you are single, live alone etc it can mess with your head if you don't get messages after suddenly receiving lots of them.

I think the best way to get around that is to try and weed out the ones who are 'not going anywhere/you don't like/other reason' etc and if you're happy for chit chat with the others then great.

Also - if someone does go off the boil - for whatever reason after chatting either on the site or on whatsapp - then it wasn't meant to be.

I had a man want to go from Tinder to whatsapp quite soon and then unmatched from me on Tinder - then the messages got quite sexual asking for pics and saying what he wanted to do to me yet he also said he wanted a relationship and was interested in me as a girlfriend due to our shared interests. I was really turned off by the sex talk though and he was also one that wanted selfies which I hate doing. Luckily for me I just sent a text saying sorry didn't think it was working and too much sex talk, didn't hear anything so no loss! No blocking on whatsapp so potentially we could have a chat.

sugarlost · 07/10/2020 16:46

@jamaisjedors I cant believe how powerful a simple text can be and the person we are waiting on probably has no idea about the power they hold over us....Sending positive vibes your way.
You may want more than sex...I think it depends on how much you like the person and what stage you’re in life if that makes sense.

@CleverCatty I hope your Date on Friday goes well. I get excited when it’s a Friday or Saturday date ;). 10 years younger and keen too...sounds good!
Chatting too long hasn’t ended well for me..also I get bored and want to just meet. If you leave it too long you don’t know if you may get disappointed when you meet if there’s no spark but saying that it can work for some. I guess you may not want to feel like you’ve wasted time chatting instead of meeting sooner.

I think it’s funny when men say ‘what are you looking for on here’ as I’ve worked out that means are you looking for sex?
Also I hate when they ask for more pics...if they’re looking for a model...that’s not me! I’ve already put the decent pictures online and that was hard work as I’m not photogenic!

Has anyone tried Eharmony? Would be great to get that fairytale ending if it still exists.....

sugarlost · 07/10/2020 16:49

This guy kept sending me dick pics on WhatsApp once and asking what I thought...I said it doesn’t do anything for me. It was just off putting...I don’t mind a bit of sexy talk but can wait to see the goods and he just seemed obsessed with his dick!

jamaisjedors · 09/10/2020 07:44

God dick picks, not had any of those (yet!).

It's Friday!!! Grin

Anyone got plans for the weekend? Everyone ok?

I got over myself waiting around for messages on Wednesday by keeping busy, walk with a friend, yoga, meditation, cooking...

Seemed to do the trick because by yesterday I was feeling more chilled about it all... and of course my mr hanglider then proceeded to text quite a lot Smile

I am going to his for dinner tonight (and sex!).

I was a little put out that he moved it to later in the evening so he could go to do sport... bu then I realised that I had made it clear I didn't want something serious and I expect HIM to fit in with my plans and wouldn't give up my yoga class for him so all good!

Bit of a rollercoaster this dating business though I have to say, I can see why people say they prefer to be in a relationship or just single.

One minute it's exciting and exhilarating and the next it's nerve wracking and siuld destroying.

Agneslizzy · 09/10/2020 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CleverCatty · 09/10/2020 10:50

[quote sugarlost]@jamaisjedors I cant believe how powerful a simple text can be and the person we are waiting on probably has no idea about the power they hold over us....Sending positive vibes your way.
You may want more than sex...I think it depends on how much you like the person and what stage you’re in life if that makes sense.

@CleverCatty I hope your Date on Friday goes well. I get excited when it’s a Friday or Saturday date ;). 10 years younger and keen too...sounds good!
Chatting too long hasn’t ended well for me..also I get bored and want to just meet. If you leave it too long you don’t know if you may get disappointed when you meet if there’s no spark but saying that it can work for some. I guess you may not want to feel like you’ve wasted time chatting instead of meeting sooner.

I think it’s funny when men say ‘what are you looking for on here’ as I’ve worked out that means are you looking for sex?
Also I hate when they ask for more pics...if they’re looking for a model...that’s not me! I’ve already put the decent pictures online and that was hard work as I’m not photogenic!

Has anyone tried Eharmony? Would be great to get that fairytale ending if it still exists.....[/quote]
sugarlost - well my date got cancelled yesterday as he apparently has a fever.

and then the man I was chatting to and thinking things were going well, he messaged me about 11pm saying he'd been out and had had a few pints but was going to reply to my message and then nothing!

I really don't get men's message strategy at all.

I sometimes ask them if they haven't asked me first 'what they're looking for?' and I don't mean I'm looking for sex - just in the past if they're looking for sex and I'm not then I don't want to waste my time chatting to them!

Endless selfies drives me mad too I'll do one or two but some men seem to think you've got time to send loads and I really haven't got the time to do that.

EHarmony - I signed up but found it very long winded (too many questions) so ended up getting bored - a friend did sign up and said it was good but unsure if she met anyone through it she is now back with someone she met when out years ago.

I think through speaking to a few women friends about this - sites are a much of a muchness. Sometimes Match works, sometimes POF works - I personally don't think if you pay or even complete a lengthy profile that men read half the stuff or even mean what they say, my ex for one. I met him on OKC and he'd answered over 200 questions about himself - and then the 'crucial' ones - like he said generally his relationships lasted '6 months' I didn't get round to asking him these as 2 close friends of mine said I shouldn't ask them and should just have fun, now I know I should've asked him!

The thing which makes me laugh about the ex - he was 7 years younger, outgoing and liked to take control in bed and definitely didn't like me doing it - which I do like doing too - one night he actually told me when we'd got back to his and I'd flirted with him and come onto him in the pub he said he preferred it if he did that. I was really annoyed with him over that and we carried on seeing each other, maybe shouldn't have done! He also had various tales - like one ex had wanted him to move up north where they could buy a big house for £500K whereas he was adamant he was never moving north but still wanted the big house. It was funny actually because he saw my small cottage (2 bedrooms) and said it was 'cute' and when he met my parents in their house not far from mine he said their house was 'huge for London' - but it's just standard 4 bedroom house (huge attic though) to me!

Jamais - if Mr Hanglider and you have agreed on a 'sex' basis then I think a later dinner and sex meeting is fine for that especially if you both do classes/sport.