Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@Angelofdeath I wasn't sure if I enjoyed it either but parts of it I did looking back. Also we had a good hug which I can't remember when the last time this happened to me. It was the moody behaviour at times but he did apologize for this after. I think the second time I would know what to expect and so yes should be better but I can take it or leave it and have a feeling he feels the same.

I know what you mean about lockdown threat impacting on our behaviour. I went back online as I was bored(and saw this thread) due to the restrictions following pandemic and my social life has reduced so much. Also the fear of not having intimacy for years...I just needed a top up. Pandemic also made me reassess my life including possibly of having long term partner if this virus continues or comes back every few years.

Problem with FWB I fell for last one which will happen if I like them. I understand why your staying as you are for now. I am less stressed single then when searching for a partner or in a shitty relationship.

I do like a fantasy... you're right to shut that ex down though.

My FWB was attractive, we had chemistry but he was arrogant. He had so much energy in bed

Hi folks, I'd be very glad of some advice here. Just started online dating a few months ago after the breakup of my 20yr marriage. Have met a man I like and enjoy spending time with. Saw him last night and had lovely 3rd date. He gives very little away though about where he is at and last night for the second time said.."I will end up hurting you". I took that as disinterest. We got into conversation and ended up deciding to leave things. Today I'm really sad as I liked him and we got on really well. He did say i was overthinking and reading too much into things which i do agree with. I don't think i can take back what i said ...any advice??

I think that is the problem with FWB. I find you either develop feelings for them and want more or, if you don’t, you end up not being that bothered about seeing them (maybe unless the benefits are really good!)

What’s the etiquette for messaging someone you have arranged a date with? We are not meeting for over a week but now we have a date I’m less inclined to send ‘getting to know each other’ messages but at the same time if it’s radio silence he might think I’ve lost interest! Maybe just a message every couple of days or so to see how their week is going, etc?

Had been chatting to another one I quite liked but he’s not messaged me this weekend. In my last message I mentioned my kids for the first time so perhaps that is why...

Linda to be honest you are better off giving a wide berth to someone who is saying ahead of time they will hurt you. I’m sorry.

Thank you @StarlightSparkle

Thank you @Angelofdeath

Starlight I think that's always tricky but agree no contact could give the wrong signs. I'd always message the day before to confirm so maybe as you say just a few keeping in touch light messages in the lead up to keep the interest there.

Human contact is a massive thing, obviously missing sex is one thing but it's also hugging and cuddling and I think Covid has been very detrimental to this for single people as normally when I see close friends we hug and might cheek kiss and now we don't as we are trying to do the right thing. Last year I had a massage for the first time and it was amazing and is something I've continued to do as it makes me feel so good afterwards.

@Angelofdeath He explained the moody behaviour which was acceptable. Off subject I don’t like when they talk about their Ex...this happens on nearly every date I go on or Intimate encounter...Does anyone else get this?
It did help thinking back. I need to try and be in control mentally if I do FWB but I don’t think this is possible for me.
Lol your description with FWB sex working with your ex. I thinking this method could work for many people!

It was good to have the physical contact as it had been a long time and I just don’t meet people easily.
Novelty of online dating has worn off and like you...not putting in effort. Taking a little break from it...let’s see how long that lasts lol

@LuckyLinda3 I would listen to his warning. You don’t want to risk getting more involved and hurt. That’s not something you want to hear from someone you want to get involved in.

@StarlightSparkle I find it hard when they don’t initiate messages during this time but in the past I have left it to the day before to confirm or even the same day if I’m not that bothered or nervous if that makes sense which isn’t a good sign.

@VivaVegas I agree about human contact. I miss my massages!

Thank you @sugarlost

@Angelofdeath I think the blindfold is a good idea...probably excite them even more! I really like your idea of open the door, sex and kick him out without a word....sometimes that’s all some of us need at times . ...I may make a plan if I find a new lover and report back if it ever happens ;)

all the talk of sleeping with exes is making me a bit - it's true it's the only thing I missed about my ex for ages (even had a few dreams about it ) - thankfully I'm over that now!

My update is that I had a date with Mr Hanglider on Saturday, and actually he was really easy to talk to and very respectful - no kiss at the end but texted me almost straight afterwards.

I wasn't sure he had the potential for FWB but actually since then we've been texting and I think he definitely does .

He strikes just the right balance, flirty but not filthy or shocking... and I felt safe with him in person.

So the upshot is I'm going to his later this afternoon - he finishes work early and lives 10 mins from me and seems to be prepared to adapt to my complicated schedule (teen with me most of the time).

We'll see how it works out because we haven't even kissed yet - but I'm looking forward to doing so later !

@sugarlost I haven't had anyone talk much about their ex but then the ones I have met have been divorced for a good 5 years or more. I'm sometimes tempted to ask them (would love to know why they split up!) but think it's probably best to stay vague on that question and change the subject.

@LuckyLinda3 I would be tempted to just leave it, people who tell you they are "trouble", generally are.

I remember my ex husband really hurting me the first time we slept together by talking about this other woman he was in love with. At the time I thought I was being cool and independant (and was possibly attracted to him precisely because he was emotionally unavailable!) but when I think back now I wish I had run for the hills right then and there. Save yourself the heartache, you're worth more than that.

@jamaisjedors thank you so much for you kind words. My gut was telling me this but one of my friends kept telling me I was overthinking so I tried to ignore it. I'm also now wondering am I really over my ex so I'm not in a good place. Means a lot, thanks.

@LuckyLinda3

I did OLD for about three years off and on and I can agree with everything posters have said here about the men who don't engage at all. Why are they even on OLD? The fake profiles, the weirdos... it's awful, time-consuming, emotionally draining and depressing. I had in fact basically given up when I met the man who is now my DH. He was new to OLD and couldn't understand why I took my time replying to his messages and didn't allow myself to get excited, even after we had met. I'd chatted to too many guys who just disappeared after what i thought was a promising conversation. I mean, what are they there for? Do they even want to meet anyone?

So yes, OLD is enough to make your lose whatever faith you had in humanity, but it does work for a lot of people. My good friend also met her DH online, as did DH's sister. The good guys are out there if you have the stamina.

@TheyAreMinerals thank you, it us good to hear that. I am only online a few months and have only had 3 dates all of which asked for a second but I've only got as far as 3 dates. It is negative and I am wondering about giving up!! Maybe I should persevere but covid is a complication!

Agree with loads of the posts above. I have matched with people had chats which were fun and seemed to be attraction on both sides and then it fizzles out. I met a guy a few weeks ago for coffee, he was messaging all evening and the next day and asked to meet again so we had a walk and lovely kisses and planned to keep in touch to arrange another meet. Then nothing! He resurfaced at the weekend as if the 3 week gap hadn’t happened so I was just breezy with him- a few jokey messages exchanged but I won’t see him again!
I really like the current guy I’m ‘seeing’. We met twice last weekend and he’s just consistently in touch just few every day messages on life stuff, work etc , no lovebombing no sexual stuff even though we’ve had sex. He just seems so mature and normal and the awful thing is I’m waiting for it all to go wrong . I’m excited to see him again hopefully Friday and see if my reading of things is actually correct.
This. Is. So. Hard.

@LuckyLinda3 online dating can be tough so it's good to be on your guard to protect your heart and head. Many of us have left behind difficult relationships and there are many people that will not hesitate to take advantage of any vulnerabilities they may see in us.

@TheyAreMinerals thanks for sharing your story. I think I may have given up and going through the motions..but you never know what may happen ;)

@Angelofdeath I love 'who wrote your opening message and can I talk to them again' lol lol.
Mr Skype... what's up with him? You may be right about your theory! He sounds like hard work already...

@ZoZoBo your guy sounds promising. Positive vibes ...I know it's difficult though from our past experiences but hope your date goes well.

Second guy I was communicating with who disappeared after I suggested meeting place for date ... resurfaced on day of proposed date to confirm place...too late I said....his other offers probably didn't work out. Let's see if we rearrange.

To be honest I feel a bit lost following weekend date..it can really play on your mind. I can't keep doing casual not that I think I will get many opportunities. I will try and focus on long-term when I up to going back online...

@sugarlost thank you. Your words are so wise, I myself left a relationship where my needs didnt matter so I don't want a repeat of that. My ex was not a bad man but was very selfish. OLD is tough and maybe I'm not just ready yet but how do I know?

@LuckyLinda3 I've had my share of selfish men. ...it did not help my confidence which I think is very important. Partners should respect each other and I don't think a selfish person is respectful. Often what may not seem as a big issue can develop into one later and it can slowly eat away at your soul.
Shine bright and if you have any doubts about men speak to trusted friends or voice them on the thread so you can assess the situation with different view points. I'm guilty of burying my head in the sand I'm the past just to be in a relationship.
A partner should add to our happiness. They shouldn't make us feel like crap.

I don't know if I'm ready to be honest or if I'm cut out for dating but if I don't try I won't have a chance. I'm trying to learn from experiences and look out for red flags. Red flag for Mr weekend action...he was moody on first encounter and I can't entertain that if I was looking for long-term but it's ok his body was enough for short term.

How long have you been single?

@Angelofdeath I agree second guy doesn't sound great but I'm aware which is good compared to the past and I've placed him in the casual category if anything did happen. He is attractive to me which is the only appeal at the moment. If nothing happens here I think I'll then put the lid on the casual guys. Not talking to anyone else...I can communicate with two at a time max but I prefer communicating with one at a time.

Lol ' I just don't care what his reasons are anymore'. It gets like that...it just shouldn't be such hard work!