Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Thanks for your responses. I was wondering if I should mention it but feel much better now. I'll be cautious if it happens and distance myself from elderly if I do.

@ZoZoBo Glad you had a good night! I hope it continues. I hate that feeling of doubt if they'll contact again.

Sending positive vibes to us all ;)

I have a lunch date tomorrow with my guy no2, not sure what to call him, mr serious maybe.

Am feeling pretty chilled about it which is probably because I'm not really sure whether I'm that fussed about him.

His texting is a bit run of the mill and he doesn't seem to pick up when I'm being light hearted, but we'll see in person, our first "date" was a quick walk near me a week ago.

Also interested to see if there is any attraction, I'm rarely attracted to people on first meeting so hoping there will be something this time.

@jamaisjedors I hope your date goes well!

Mr Serious is a good name although that may change after today ;)

I hate endless texts which I've fallen into with one of my online guys... So will not continue unless he suggests a meet up which I doubt he will. I'm really attracted to him from his pictures.....

It's so hard to meet someone I'm attracted to... I try and let it grow but it doesn't work. I'm average looking so the future isn't looking bright lol

So it turns out Mr Serious IS serious, we had a really nice lunch (which he insisted on paying for) but at the end of the meal had a conversation about what we both wanted and he feels I'm not ready for something serious (probably true) and he doesn't want to get hurt.

So this is the second time this has happened to me.

Perhaps I need to get on a less serious dating site. Or maybe my profile is too serious-looking too.

Obviously this is a good conversation to have early on, so I will chalk this up to more experience...

Glad you had a nice lunch ;)

Third time lucky maybe?

Maybe tweak your profile if It appears too serious but if you had an instant attraction to someone maybe it may alter what you're looking for?

Maybe tweak your profile if It appears too serious might do that.

OTOH I wonder if I just don't want something serious with THESE guys !

There's someone I like IRL and I'd be happy to have a relationship with him [grin@]

It's just after a long marriage I don't want a relationship based on staying home watching TV and cooking together, I want a little more than that - and don't want to curtail my freedom for that.

Apparently I'm too independant and seem happy enough on my own (true !).

Lol if it's the right partner I think alot of people would change and it's probably those guys!

It's good to be independent and happy in your own company. You night want a partner who respects this and adds to your happiness but is equally independent.

I hear what you're saying about not wanting to stay home all the time and cooking together. It can get boring and there's nothing wrong in wanting more. Also I think it can make you old before your time.

I want some excitement with someone that I can have a good conversation with. Someone to make plans with...

I want some excitement with someone that I can have a good conversation with. Someone to make plans with... exactly. And LAUGH.

I have now moved to tinder and while I'm struggling a little with knowing how it works (it keeps showing me people over my "distance" setting which I have set very low) actually I think there are more people on there than on the match.com equivalent.

Although some of the same people too.

I am struggling though to swipe yes on people who have written nothing, so I might just have eliminated a load of people who could have been ok, who knows?

Am now chatting to 2 people a reasonable amount and have matching with someone who just wants a fwb, which is what I'm wondering whether I need right now, seeing as I am not really seeing at the moment what any of these men could add to my life apart from sex !

@jamaisjedors I don't want any Mr miserables....been there....not doing it any more. I want to laugh too ;)

I wasn't that impressed with Match..agree more people on Tinder....on the free sites in general I think. Maybe the guys weren't impressed by me...well the ones I liked lol

Maybe give the no profiles a chance...you never know... I think it's as most people base it intially on looks.

I'm thinking FWB may be the way forward for me too ;). I'm so anxious about meeting it's scary. Online dating causes me so much anxiety...I remember why I stepped back before... that and not having much luck. I miss my previous FWB...I just need to feel comfortable with someone nice.

I think the my date with Mr Fake has increased my anxiety about further meetings. Have suggested a quick video call with another guy... I'm just so unappealing on camera/film...one guy did say I was cute via video call... I'll have to remember that to try and have some confidence.

Another guy said I was sexy...I think he was breaching a trade description act lol

Sugar I’m the same - so anxious! I can only do it for a few weeks at a time and then need a break to recover from the stress and rejection. I find going on dates really nerve-wracking though now I’ve been on a couple I’m hoping it might be a bit easier next time.

Jamais I’m chatting to someone who’s after a FWB too and I’m wondering if that could be a possibility for me. I’ve been celibate for such a long time now that maybe a casual fling wouldn’t be a bad thing! My life’s pretty busy anyway so not sure I have time for anything serious.

@StarlightSparkle I find I need a break between dates too to recover and like you it's the fear of rejection and stress. I don't normally have dates lined up but the odd time it's happened has caused real anxiety.

I once had a date with a younger guy which was awful... the way he looked at me when we met and he text me to say he had a lovely time whilst on his way home. Foolish me continued speaking to him on the phone some time after... I was like an agony aunt hoping for something more until he put me in my place by dropping in conversation he had a FWB planned with someone else....you live and hopefully learn.

@StarlightSparkle I totally get the anxiety, first date I had I was practically shaking .

But then when I switch things around in my head and think of it as ME interviewing THEM and not the other way round, I find it is protecting me and making me less anxious. Worth a try?

Will be interested to hear from you and @sugarlost whether you pursue the FWB thing or not.

I'm getting close to it I think. I made it clear last night to the guy I'm chatting to right now (will call him Mr hanglider) that I don't know what I want right now and probably don't want something serious.

He said he can handle it but then said that it might develop into something over time

So I'm meeting him for a drink on Saturday but once I said I didn't want serious he was suggesting I drive over to his right now !

I said no way, first date in public.

Other guy who is Mr Looking for FWB can't meet til Monday, we have agreed to a drink on Monday and then possibly spend Friday afternoon together for the benefits bit of FWB if it works on Monday.

I won't be juggling both at once (not enough time and it feels a bit weird) but hopefully by Monday I'll have kissed both and be able to make a choice !!!

Now of course a little petrified as I have been single since I left my husband last May, and not had sex since last February so nearly 2 years ! Time to blow away the cobwebs

I asked a guy out in an attempt to get a date and avoid another endless messaging session but he’s now gone silent on me. He’d been chatty up til now!

Update on last weeks date, we've seen each other a couple more times since and so far so good, obviously early days but currently it's nice and feels easy and fun which to me is how it should be. We both like each other and fancy each other and want similar things so have agreed to date exclusively and see where it goes.
I can't multi date (not that I've ever had the opportunity to be honest!) once I'm sleeping with someone but he actually brought it up se we're on the same page which is good.

With regards to asking people to meet, I've done that once I've been messaging over a few days, and they either say yes or they just disappear. If they do at least you've cut your losses sooner rather than later.

I look awful on screen so wouldn't video call or Skype and to be honest I'm not a fan anyway. A call yes but I'd rather just meet, even just for a quick coffee.

I hadn't done a first phone call before meeting anyone until this time, I'd always just messaged and met.

I was quite surprised when he suggested it and was really nervous but we ended up being on for over an hour and a half.

Re those who've not had a relationship since a long marriage/relationship, I can totally relate, when I started dating last year I'd been with my exh for over 25 years and not had sex for nearly 2. I was terrified of even kissing someone. But once I got on with it things were great and I realised what I had been missing out on for too long. It was a lot easier this time round thank goodness!

Viva that is great news! Sounds like a really promising start to a relationship and it’s nice to have the exclusivity chat early.

I am in the boat of not having had sex for nearly 2 years so the thought of it does make me a bit anxious! I feel like I would no longer know what to do but hopefully it comes flooding back!

The guy I asked out has eventually replied to say yes so now it’s a case of trying to find a date that works for two busy, working parents!

I'm sure it'll be fine with the right person Starlight, the guy I was with had been with his ex wife for over 25 years before they split so we were both in the same position!

And as you say availability is a challenge, I work full time but from home at the moment and have my DS 2/3rds of the time. Plus I still have my own life which having built that up since the split 2 years ago I have no intention of losing.

But then I think I need someone with their own friends and interests too, much more healthier imo.

@VivaVegas that's good news!

@jamaisjedors I met online guy and we did the deed. I wanted him to leave after...I don't think this is for me well not him. I feel confused. I feel like I don't need someone intimately for a while now.

Was meant to meet second guy for drink tomorrow but he stopped messaging.. that's fine wasn't feeling it anyway as thought I had connection with doing the deed guy and if intimate with one guy can't be intimate with another.

Thinking of eHarmony ...but not hopeful...I just want a life partner who is compatible and we are attractive to each other.

Hope you're dates go well! It's good if you get some decent options.

@Angelofdeath I'm ok now thanks..I think it reinforces what I need. I was thinking of previous FWB while with Mr doing the deed. Mr doing the deed some aspects of his personality put me off. He was moody at times and wasn't happy with me talking at times but said he had a good time...
If he asked for another session in few weeks I'd probably say yes because there are parts I enjoyed and meeting someone new anxiety wise is hard for me.

That's disappointing about the new site. I recognize the same faces on sites too. What are your plans going forward?