Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Looking forward to you reporting back vivavegas !

Question here about surnames.

With the last guy I met up with, we exchanged surnames during the first date so we could "check each other out" and we were both cool with that (and he did look me up !).

The guy I've met once (for a walk) and been texting with quite a lot was a bit funny last night about me asking for his surname.

He gave it to me in the end, and seems to have nothing to hide online, is who he says he is etc. but he said he had never exchanged surnames before and found it weird.

I just said I think it's weird to meet up with someone and not even know their name.

In fact I met with him once without his name but we were planning lunch next week and have been texting every day which is why I asked.

Is it a big no no?

Also have a feeling I have picked another one who wants a serious relationship, he was saying last night it was important for him that we were on the same page about what we want...

I think I maybe need to make my profile less serious and more flirty !

But I was pleased that I hadn't had any dodgy people messaging me so far so thought my profile was probably pitched right...

I've never given anyone my surname and never been asked. With the relationship I had last year from OLD I found his out (I'm a bit of a detective), and he asked my mine about 5 or 6 dates in.

Tonight's date I found his surname after a bit of piecing things he had told me together and then found him on social media. He had booked dinner tonight after our phone conversation so last night I asked where he had booked as I wanted to let friends know where I was for safety and told him this. He sent me a copy of his driving licence and said he was happy for me to give this to my friends as he knows it's important I feel safe. Then he said he should have blocked out his address etc and hoped I wasn't a bunny boiler 🤣

He doesn't even know my real name as I use a variation online, again for safety!

I don’t exchange surnames either when chatting but the guy I was seeing for a couple of months gave me his LinkedIn the first time we spoke ...that’s what I liked most about him he was so open....until he became a ghoster
Another guy I was chatting to had looked at my profile on LinkedIn even though I had not given him my surname! I know it was him because he had a very distinctive first name...don’t know how he found me although I had given a rough indication of my job so he obviously searched...he was a dick anyway😆
@VivaVegas I took your advice and messaged my friend zone iron to see if he wants to meet ...I feel sick now😬

@VivaVegas looking forward to date update too. Friday night day.... can't remember the last time I had one of those!

I often change my mind at the last minute about what I'm going wear...this is stressful too. I think I prefer winter outfits though.

Hope you have a lovely time ;)

@jamaisjedors I would be funny about giving out my surname...I also think they could be lying about theirs. I'm just cautious about possible stalkers etc I guess...I know I overthink alot which is also why I get anxious.

It is a good idea I guess but not for me especially during first few dates.

Looks like I'm the weirdo about surnames then!!! Good to know

@Angelofdeath I guess it's easy to try it on hiding behind a screen.

Came across a mans profile today with the headline no fatties ! Along with a list of wants in a woman including must have good job be mentally secure and slim! And his username? Mr nice guy!!! And he expects to get any interest lol.

Ha this week I saw my first "odd" profile, this guy going on about how exceptional he was in every way and how unexceptional people need not apply or waste his time.

And he certainly wasn't exceptional looking and there seemed to be no exceptional qualities about him (apart from the size if his ego ).

Totally weird, wonder if that strategy works for him!!!!

No dates for me this weekend as I have my kids and also guy no2 is busy too with his son.

He suggested lunch next week but hasn't confirmed a day. He has been texting a bit every day though. I have suspended my match account for a few days to stop myself checking in randomly and take a step back.

If things don't work out with him next week I can reactive it in a click.

Looking forward to hearing about your weekends.

@jamaisjedors no date for me this weekend so I think I'll be baking with my kids! As mentioned last week, my date is Aspergers and the Covid situation on top of this has really gotten to him so he's hiding away this weekend to get his life admin sorted plus no contact with the outside world ie me! I try not to take it personally but it has given me a little bit of an insight into what our future would look like (whereas before I was completely smitten!)

Hmm Eesha good to get some insight, my ex was a bit like that and although there are good sides to someone organised and careful, it can also be stressful (and my ex was very controlling with it).

Ilovegreentomatoes that is hilarious! No fatties?! Next! Angel I think the thing with not wanting to hear about jobs/promotions etc is possibly that he feels threatened/intimidated by successful women. Some men genuinely do want arm candy to sit in the corner and look pretty, I think. It's astonishing! The chap I'm seeing now is equally thrilled by my moments of career success, and ready to chat about the bad days anytime too. We are gearing up for this first mini break together next weekend although I'm still a bit reluctant to put a label on it, even though last night he said he thinks of me as his girlfriend. But this is what dating has done to me, I'm wary of past experience and getting too excited.

However, my divorce was actually finalised this week after three long years. Definitely feels like moving into the next chapter.

So date went well, he was who he says he was, looked like his photos and was as easy to talk to in person as on the phone.

We got on well, have a similar sense of humour. Had too much wine (which I told myself I shouldn't) and had a bit of a snog before we got our trains 😳

He insisted in paying for dinner, even though I wanted to pay half, said I could get the next one. He made sure I got my train ok and asked me to let him know I'd got home ok.

Have messaged a big this morning and going to see each other tomorrow. It's a bit soon really but because of when we each have our children we aren't both free at the same time for over a week.

Will see how things are tomorrow without wine but so far so good.

Ah sounds great viva

@VivaVegas glad date went well. Hope today is good too ;)

Is anyone worried about being intimate in the current climate? I am worried but if I get a chance with someone lovely I don't think I can hold off forever.... although this could be sometime with my track record of meeting someone...

Happy Sunday!

@sugarlost Is anyone worried about being intimate in the current climate?

I'm feeling a little cautious, particularly I'm not sure about the guy I am messaging.

It feels pretty reckless to take the chance of kissing him (a stranger) next week when I can't even hug my friends hello.

And I already kissed my "mr nice guy" last week!!!

All seems at odds with non stop mask wearing, hand sanitizing and social distancing.

But I have been separated for 18 months and of course the start of the pandemic coincided with me being ready to date again

@sugarlost when I was dating in May/June, I met one person and I gauged the risk with him and we did kiss. I think if you are high risk with elderly relatives etc, then best to be more careful. My current partner is extra cautious so I doubt I'll be able to see him at all if Boris says no mixing households even though he lives alone.

@sugarlost I’ve been entirely reckless I’m making up for lost time 😆
After I braved asking the reluctant iron to meet for coffee we had a date Friday night which went really well and ended up meeting again last night for dinner and drinks and me staying over I had a lovely time and really want to see him again which probably won’t be possible until the weekend after next.
I do have the fear I’ll never hear from him again however based on previous experience