Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@sugarlost I'm the same - I don't message anyone with photos.

I sometimes get messages from men with hidden photos and I ask to see them. I'm usually disappointed if I get to see the photos but I guess I am curious to see them in just case they look like Hugh Jackman ha ha.

A while ago someone explained that he was a teacher and some of the mums were on the site so he had hidden photos. Of course it could also mean they have things to hide.

angel I feel ok thanks. I do feel better when not on the site...it doesn't help my confidence if I'm honest.

I would like to meet someone although I'm ok in my own company. I'm just not sure if I can handle spending the rest of my life without some intimate male connection....

Hotchoc I didn't think of the teacher or Hugh Jackman possibility lol but I'm thinking they must not get much traffic... maybe they do and it's a secret society....

I'm also weary of men with all sunglasses in their photos or hard to see them. I once spoke to one of these and managed to get out of him that he was in a relationship and wanted a weekday bit on the side because of his work location and traveling... lovely!

@sugarlost most people look better in shades. I've now seen the hidden photo of the guy who messaged me. Definitely not Hugh Jackman's single twin brother lol.

I probably sound really shallow going on looks but I need to have some physical attraction as well as getting on with someone.

There has to be a minimum for online dating. IRL you might gradually get to know someone over a period of months and years and the attraction can grow.

For online dating you have to make a choice somehow, photos are one way. And let's be honest, we're not "shopping" for friends (well I'm not anyway!).

I’ve been reading this thread and post on the other one but I feel a kinship with you guys as I’m almost 47 dating for the first time since a marriage breakup last year. Have had dates with 4 men with one of them ending up being more serious for a couple of months but ended in ghosting (by him!)
I’m chatting to 2 others who I am liking from the chats but I want to meet soon as that was my mistake before - chatting too long!
One of those I’m liking had no photos but I matched with him on tinder but I liked his profile blurb risky I know but I’ve since seen a photo and am pleasantly surprised

Pressed send too soon ...but we have a call tomorrow and my first question will be about his secrecy around photos!
The other guy I really like but he is slow to move things on other than friendly chats so I’m going to bite the bullet and ask him to meet!
Child free this weekend so would like a date

Hi @ZoZoBo ! Hope you get something set up for the weekend!

I am nearly 46 and 18mths out of a 25yr relationship/marriage... and have been trying out online dating for all of 2 weeks !

@hotchocolatey I need to have an attraction too ..I tried dates with guys who I thought may grow and older than me...it didn't happen.

I seem to like the younger guys..I need to look in the mirror and get a reality check. The guy I met yesterday was 31... that's the only thing that I think was real. I had a phase of messaging younger guys... my age don't seem to contact me. It's younger or older.

@Angelofdeath are you ok? People are so cruel. Block toxic people...dont entertain them Honestly I Only want to communicate with nice people....I can't take bullies and rudeness.

@Angelofdeath just try to ignore the rude ones.

Giving Tinder a try. So far I've had 86 likes. I'm flabbergasted. Is it really a thing or just a con to make me pay the joining fee to see who likes me? Only one match so far and have decided not to message.

Evening ladies hope your all ok!
Good luck to all who have dates!
I still haven’t had one! Lol quite a few messages still but same trucks of either ghosting after a few messages or I’m just not feeling it! Xx

@Angelofdeath I can't believe the damn cheek of some people. It's hard enough online dating and having to deal with that crap too is not on. I'd report them for abuse.

@Tiredmum8 remember it's quality not quantity.... that's what I tell myself. It only takes one wonderful person... putting good vibes out there for us all!

There are so many jerks on OLD - hope they don’t get to you Angel. Agree with Sugar - I’d report anyone who was blatantly rude and offensive.

Good luck for your date Viva - hopefully it’ll be third time lucky!

Sugar that is mad about the guy who wasn’t the person you were expecting. I can’t understand why anyone would do that and think it’ll all work out fine and dandy! Seems there are a surprising number of people that do it though.

I am talking to a new one who seems interesting but he doesn’t answer my questions! He writes long messages and does ask me stuff, but doesn’t actually give an answer to what I’ve asked him (which is just chit chat rather than anything personal). Is that a red flag?! Suggests someone who isn’t very attentive, perhaps!

Another one I’ve been talking to for weeks now but he hasn’t suggested meeting and neither have I. Sometimes it feels like if you don’t arrange to meet within the first week you just end up in the friend zone with endless chats that don’t lead anywhere.

So no dates lined up but I’m seeing friends tomorrow and Saturday so it should be a good weekend regardless!

@Angelofdeath I think you should report the ones that send rude messages as well. I had a horrid message a while ago from a guy who called me a prostitute and was asking how much I charged. I reported him. It shakes you up a bit doesn't it.

@StarlightSparkle I think some of them are maybe just bored and want someone to chat to as it’s easy to talk crap behind a screen or hide. Actually making the effort to meet is the harder part and I guess with all this virus stuff going on people are more weary. I m chatting to a nice guy and will hopefully meet soon as I am not a fan of endless chatting because they can be so different in person and you may not even like them. The way things are at the moment I think is very hard for us singles , dating has almost been killed with the pubs closing early and sitting at tables. Gone are the days of chatting at the bar it’s a shame .

@StarlightSparkle I have one too that is happy to chat but no suggestion of meeting. He comes across as funny and someone I would click with and attractive in his photos but staying friendly with no flirting I don’t want him as a friend. I’m trying to work up the courage to suggest a coffee over the weekend as I know he is childfree as am I but I’m afraid of a no thanks!

ZoBoBo I’ve had some good banter with this one but it’s more friendly than flirty. I need to be bolder and just ask if he fancies meeting but I’m a bit of a wimp and, like you, worried about being knocked back! There’s nothing to lose really as if it’s a no then there’s no much point talking to them any longer, but.... before you get to that decision point there is still a possibility that the connection could go somewhere which is more exciting than a door being slammed in your face!

@StarlightSparkle it's so annoying when they don't answer questions... I think maybe it's a red flag and they are only sharing what they want to do it's on their terms.

I can't do endless messages unless I'm happy with that.... it's true some people have no intention of meeting and want a pen pal for whatever reason. I agree people can be bored and use us for an ego boost...

Have a lovely time with your friends.

I'm chatting to two guys...one suggested meeting..I can feel the nerves starting and it's about a week away if it happens.

I offered up my number to number two which I rarely do. I wait for them to suggest meets, number exchange etc ....if they want it come and get it I think. Maybe I'll change my mindset.

Covid is a devil ... dating in these times is adding to nerves.

@hotchocolatey

I don't pay to see my likes as I think I'll probably be disappointed lol that's the risk I guess.

I agree it's really hard to be single at the moment because there is hardly any possibility of meeting someone irl.

And wcdn datingvis tough as there are fewer things open...

Where I live they have just made masks obligatory in the whole city (even the street) so not even the possibility of sitting on a park bench and kissing (which is what I did recently on a second date).

All big events either at work or outside are cancelled so it's a drink, a restaurant (closing at 10pm) or back to someone's house.

I agree it's so much harder, everything has to be planned and there's no spontaneity. And if you meet at a pub or restaurant it's so formal being sat at tables and now having to wear a mask when not at the table. I just feel like a lot of the fun has gone out of socialising.

To those what have messagers that you've been messaging a while, I'd just ask if they fancy meeting for a walk/drink/coffee. If they don't or then just disappear (and I've had both) at least you won't waste anymore time on them wondering.

I find it's harder if you do meet and there's no attraction for them but then it happens both ways and there is nothing you can do about attraction imo.

Getting nervous about tonight, not sure what to wear and it's super cold so what I had planned it's not ideal. We're meeting in the middle so I have a 30 minute train journey so we can have a drink. We had quite a bit of banter by message last night so on paper it's promising however I know that in the flesh there could just be nothing there! Aghhh never expected to be here at this age.