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Original poster

Online dating in your 40s

966 replies

StarlightSparkle · 13/08/2020 22:45

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

OP posts:
Afibtomyboy · 22/09/2020 12:36

@bookerprize

Imagine if a man was on here saying a woman they had dated was OK to sleep with but not for anything long term Blush

OK if you are both on the same page though.

I wouldn’t think twice either way
roundthemulberry · 22/09/2020 17:22

@Afibtomyboy you've obviously never felt second best. Lucky you! Smile

Afibtomyboy · 22/09/2020 17:29

I haven’t no

But wanting to spend time with someone and sleep with them, but not seeing a long term future together. Is that really so bad?

roundthemulberry · 22/09/2020 18:49

Not if you both want the same things. That was my point.

Angelofdeath · 22/09/2020 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newtodatinggulp · 22/09/2020 20:13

Hello, I’m new to this thread. Hope it’s ok to join!

Had a great 1st date a few days ago and he’s been in touch everyday since. Warm funny conversations, occasionally flirty but mainly friendly. Getting to know each other like.

We’re going on a second date tomorrow. I’m quite nervous because it’s starting to feel real. I’m terrified of getting hurt as my last relationship ended because he couldn’t let go of his ex wife.

This iron is mid 50s, has had ltr but never been married. I keep wondering what’s wrong with him because so far he seems perfect for me. I can imagine he might be a handful to some people but I enjoy sparky conversation and he seems kind, not just banter.

How do I ask him “what the hell is wrong with you? Why haven’t you been snapped up?!” Maybe I’m overthinking...

jamaisjedors · 22/09/2020 21:14

@Newtodatinggulp sounds great but you sound a little down on yourself.

How come you are single and not snapped up either? Wink

Actually I know what you mean, I kind of feel like there must be some hidden flaw in people single at our age.

But then I remind myself that my flaw was to make a bad choice in my marriage and that I've worked on myself since then.

But I personally wouldn't ask him the question right now, maybe just keep talking about what he's been doing with his life and it will become clear (hopefully!).

Newtodatinggulp · 22/09/2020 22:29

Thank you jamaisjedors Flowers

Yes maybe you are right. Why should I think of him as being more of a catch than me?

Ilovegreentomatoes · 22/09/2020 22:56

Can anyone advise on good sites for 40+ women.Im on match (paid) and it's terrible low traffic on there it seems.And pof which is slightly better. Can anyone recommend some?

famousforwrongreason · 23/09/2020 02:29

@Angelofdeath

Glad you had a nice weekend anyway jamais. I hope your head is feeling a bit clearer! Eesha That's brilliant, so nice to have some good reports haha.

I spoke to one new one, couple of normal messages, then I asked him a question which he answered with 'I predict good things are to come for you'... So I said 'Ok.. Thanks! So where was your photo taken? It looks beautiful'.. he answers 'Yes definite sunshine in your future'.. Confused

So I ignored him then about half an hour later he messages saying 'You are obviously busy, with your children I imagine, so please send me a message when you are available'.

So I messaged back 'Er, I'm available now, which is why I'm on here, my children aren't with me now, I asked you 2 questions which you answered with vague sayings about my future so don't tell me it's ME that doesn't want to talk! Confused FFS.

Lolling at the messages from that guy. What a knob
CleverCatty · 23/09/2020 12:51

[quote jamaisjedors]@Newtodatinggulp sounds great but you sound a little down on yourself.

How come you are single and not snapped up either? Wink

Actually I know what you mean, I kind of feel like there must be some hidden flaw in people single at our age.

But then I remind myself that my flaw was to make a bad choice in my marriage and that I've worked on myself since then.

But I personally wouldn't ask him the question right now, maybe just keep talking about what he's been doing with his life and it will become clear (hopefully!).[/quote]
Newtodatinggulp - I think there are sometimes men in their 40s and 50s etc who for whatever reason haven't been married but have had LTRs.

I briefly dated someone I knew through my DB who was like this - early 40s, a few LTRs, but his older DB was a real ladies man in his youth and also good looking and put his younger DB down, the younger DB consequently had a few depression/confidence issue etc.

I also know of a couple of 40's/50's men who for whatever reason didn't get married and have kids but did have LTRs.

I myself was married when younger but divorced now but no DC.

I've also got female friends in 40's who've had LTRs but no DC either wanted them or never wanted but now single and either dating or not - that's more common that you think.

Ilovegreentomatoes - match I agree is awful. For me the best sites recently have been OK Cupid and Tinder. Provided you say what you want on Tinder it's ok. Have tried Bumble - not for me. Not tried Hinge etc. POF I tried years ago wasn't impressed there. Guardian Soul Mates thanks but no thanks tried 10 years ago after getting divorced and a total nutter on there and also a friend had a bad experience there too.

Eesha · 23/09/2020 15:07

@Ilovegreentomatoes I have tried quite a few sites but found the most traffic on Tinder. I personally think Bumble has had its day because it's turned into a bit of an ego boost for men now. I have friends who have met on every site though. Why not try a free site each month as an experiment?

sugarlost · 23/09/2020 19:20

Went on my first date since last October. For some reason was not looking forward to it...not much communication ..I came off site as was getting tired not on it long but he was only one asking to meet.

  1. He smelt...of someone unclean
  1. He was not the man pictured on site or his watsapp profile
  1. I was really nervous about meeting but I feel disappointed now. Why do they lie and use another person's picture!!!!
sugarlost · 23/09/2020 19:23

He's just text me it was lovely to meet with kiss

What the fuckery fuck!

VivaVegas · 23/09/2020 22:59

I can't believe people use other people's photos sugar that's pretty awful.
I have a date on Friday evening, third one since I started this around the end of July.
He asked if we could have a chat on the phone last night which I've never done before, I was so nervous, had to have a g & t before! Chatted for about an hour and a half and are going for dinner early Friday evening. Wouldn't normally do dinner on a first date but I know we can easily chat, just hope we at least like each other in person. Would love it if we have some attraction, I fancy some romance again!

Angelofdeath · 24/09/2020 05:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamaisjedors · 24/09/2020 06:15

Can't believe that about the photos either!

But (in my very limited experience), I had heard about people being very different in person and so have video screened all of my dates (all 3 of them Grin).

One guy who seemed promising refused, so in the end I stopped chatting to him.

The first guy I chatted to was very keen to me and I was so glad I did the video screen call (whatsapp) as he was SO negative about everything.

Mr nice guy said yes but it was a first for him, we just did 20 mins but at least we established we could hold a conversation.

Particularly at the moment I don't want to meet lots of random people who I may have nothing in common with at all.

But if the video call goes well I have set up a date to meet the next dat.

Afibtomyboy · 24/09/2020 06:19

2. He was not the man pictured on site or his watsapp profile

Why did you stay?! He has grossly And monumentally misled you. Sufficient grounds for you to turn on your heel without a backward glance.

Angelofdeath · 24/09/2020 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarlost · 24/09/2020 07:12

Thank you for your messages.

viva good luck with your date.. fingers crossed there is a spark.
Good tip about having a drink before conversation!

Angel I didn't answer his message...I was going to mention the photo or put a polite reply but I was upset so just blocked.

The change of race date is unbelievable...how fake can a person be. Something is clearly wrong with these people.

Years ago a guy messaged me about meeting and suggested the cinema in the evening. I thought that was strange for a first date and he had not suggested swapping numbers. Something made me ask for his number to check his picture profile...it was someone completely different and not who I would be attracted to. I just messaged cancelling and blocked.

I think video screening is a great idea!

Afib I said nothing I did feel like saying something but was lucky the date was quick. I'm just too polite at times. He talked alot and fast too...I was just not interested. Every now and again I could smell him....
I was so relieved to go home

hotchocolatey · 24/09/2020 07:17

@sugarlost - how annoying that the date wasted your time!

I've been on dates where men look nothing like their photos. One of them (years ago) said his photo had been taken when he'd been ill but he looked 10 times better and completely different in that photo than in real life.

He seemed nice enough and I was too polite not to have a quick drink with him.

On the dating site I'm on if I get a message from someone without a photo I ask if I can see their photos. It then seems to involve them asking them if they can send photos on whatsapp and I can't be bothered with it anymore.

sugarlost · 24/09/2020 08:48

hotchoc I don't message anyone with no photo.. years ago I did but now I would think are they attached or do they have something to hide...also why should you have to give your number to watsapp photos when you may want to stay communicating on the site until your ready to move onto watsapp.

There are so many people with photos to message even if they are not genuine photos lol

I'm thinking quick video call may be the way forward!

jamaisjedors · 24/09/2020 09:44

I'm thinking quick video call may be the way forward!

Totally - your time is precious ! Nerve-wracking for a couple of minutes beforehand but much better than getting your hopes up for a real date.

Eesha · 24/09/2020 10:06

@Angelofdeath a man I once chatted to said he'd gone on a date and it was a transvestite lady who turned up. He stayed and had a nice chat as didn't want to hurt her feelings but definitely felt she had misled him.

sugarlost · 24/09/2020 10:26

Eesha I know someone this happened to too. This can be dangerous as you don't know how the person who has been misled may respond.

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