Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Actually I'm thinking "having a choice" is quite a good thing for me because I'm still a bit ambiguous about mr nice guy but am surprised by how despite having the option of someone "better on paper" (closer interests, backgrounds etc., sense of humour), I am still drawn to him and very much looking forward to seeing him later.

Otoh perhaps meeting up with guy 2 would clarify things one way or the other too ! It's my childcare weekend so I have a bit of time.

Will keep you updated of course (if you are not sick of me!)

Anyone else have things lined up this weekend?

Grrr my CHILD FREE weekend not childcare!!!

@jamaisjedors it doesn't sound like there is much in it in this case so chat to both! You don't owe either anything if you know what I mean.

Seeing my date this weekend but will be last for a while I think as he's very covid careful so won't want to see me if there is any type of lockdown.

Any news @Eesha ?

I met up with mr nice guy yesterday for a third date.

I think we are running out of things to say to each other 🤔

Maybe the third date is a test of that, we've done all the "who are you, what do you do, how was your summer?"

Had a walk and a coffee and kissed quite a lot. Things got quite steamy (literally 😉) in his car when he dropped me back to my car but I was less attracted to him this time 😨

I am still considering what to do, I feel like he would be a "good" person to sleep with after a 20 yr marriage as I trust him and feel safe with him.

But I'm even more sure now that this definitely doesn't have legs long term.

I'm happy to kiss him but would rather do that than sit around chatting with him because I'm having to think of things to say.

Have messaged guy 2 who was pleased to hear from me, might try and see him before my next date with mr nice guy (Wednesday) to get things straight in my head (or even more confused!).

Complicated stuff !!!!

Imagine if a man was on here saying a woman they had dated was OK to sleep with but not for anything long term

OK if you are both on the same page though.

@jamaisjedors hey, yes, another perfect date, date 9 so far! We did food shopping and cooked and chatted all evening. It's never enough time but he's mentioned seeing each other next week as usual depending on what Boris announces for London. I don't mind either way as I understand his reasons.

@bookerprize Imagine if a man was on here saying a woman they had dated was OK to sleep with but not for anything long term

I know, it's awful but I could suddenly see why men do that. Totally nice, I'm attracted to him but there isn't enough there for a relationship.

I guess the difference is that I'm agonising over it whereas a lot if men would just go for it.

I guess it's the whole "he's just not that into you" thing. It explains why men keep in contact intermittently until someone better comes along. Possibly, like me, they hope that if they spend more time together feelings will grow.

Re whether we are in the same page about it, I think not, which is why I need to talk to him I think.

@Eesha sounds good!!! 🙂

Sorry multiple posting today, in the end guy 2 texted me this morning and as we both have tight schedules, met up for a walk near my house.

He seems nice, attractive, easy to talk to and the conversations are more on a level I'm used to.

So my head is of course not any clear at all!!!

Going to relax and enjoy the rest of child free day and chill at home.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Back after the weekend.

Have now narrowed it down to one Tinder option and one I've messaged and who messaged me.

I've had a couple of Whatsapp convos with people on Tinder but they seemed to be going nowhere or just not my type and one man who super liked me on Tinder and I then messaged has now unmatched which is a pity as he was quite easy on the eye. LOL

Back to OKC I think too.

jamais - that's interesting about Mr Nice Guy and it's good that you have worked things out about him. I knew a woman who had a '3 date rule' - she gave them 3 dates max and if it didn't work out then she cut her losses.

Angel - that twat saying stupid ambiguous things about your future would piss me right off too. Is he Russell Grant or something?! LOL

HairyArsedMan - I think I agree with you and Mr Nice Guy - not sure if I put it into practice - but if it's someone I'm planning on having a few dates with and I like, a lot, then I hope the profile would be deleted or pics down or whatever - anyway give the person I'm seeing full attention.

However, there are a few people and I've done this a couple of times (not to great success) where I've tried to do the American dating method - which is - to date a few men at once. I suppose with them, if they like one person they then make it 'exclusive'. But I do find American men whom I've known and dated tend to be much more forward etc.

God i think you are all tight, multiple dating is crap.

Just had a bit of an intense texting session with mr nice guy where he was asking me if I was romantic or not and then it turned into a discussion of my intentions as he could feel my reticence.

He ended up asking if wanted to break up.

We have agreed to talk again tomorrow but has made it clear he wants something serious and doesn't want to just have fun.

I appreciate his honesty and this has probably made the decision for me as although i will be sad not to have his little messages during the day, ultimately I'm not sure I can commit to anyone right now.

I had a real moment of sadness earlier about the loss of my marriage (despite him having been an abusive d**k for a lot of it).

Meeting these strangers from the internet and trying to engage with them just reminds me of the depth of feeling i had for him (20+ years of relationship), it's just so different and scary.

You are all right!!!! Not tight!!!

Been on match the last few days and a few men who have matched then I messaged have said sorry I can’t talk to you as I m chatting to someone else and going to meet them . Is this a thing ? I assumed you chatted to many at least until you meet in person how do you know if you will like them etc ? Just wondered on peoples thoughts

I prefer to chat to one at a time @Msyoganidra32 and arrange a date quickly if the chat is good. I’m hardly inundated but I have sent a message like that in the past when I’m sure the conversation is a serious one.

@HairyArsedMan thanks how soon do you call quick to meet ? I usually say to them that I don’t want a pen pal and no matter how much you get on in messages you don’t really know until you physically meet. Out of interest what part of the country are you ?

It’s just when the conversation seems good and flows @Msyoganidra32 more than having a fixed time in mind - but typically after a couple of days of fairly constant good convo, I would suggest meeting in person. I’m in the Midlands.

The main thing I learnt from online dating is that men are far more fixed in their ‘type’ than women are. It doesn’t matter how witty and interesting your profile and message is if you’re initiating contact, if you’re not the recipient’s type, he won’t engage with you.

Also, entitlement. For many men in their 40s, they think they’re entitled to the twenty and thirty years old, so you might not even be on their radar. It is ridiculous really although to be fair, the decent men are in the minority once you’re in your 40s and online dating.

Keep at it because eventually, a gem will appear, they always do.

Good luck!

@jamaisjedors

God i think you are all tight, multiple dating is crap.

Just had a bit of an intense texting session with mr nice guy where he was asking me if I was romantic or not and then it turned into a discussion of my intentions as he could feel my reticence.

He ended up asking if wanted to break up.

We have agreed to talk again tomorrow but has made it clear he wants something serious and doesn't want to just have fun.

I appreciate his honesty and this has probably made the decision for me as although i will be sad not to have his little messages during the day, ultimately I'm not sure I can commit to anyone right now.

I had a real moment of sadness earlier about the loss of my marriage (despite him having been an abusive d**k for a lot of it).

Meeting these strangers from the internet and trying to engage with them just reminds me of the depth of feeling i had for him (20+ years of relationship), it's just so different and scary.

Jamais - that's really sweet re Mr Nice Guy - but I think both of you have to be honest when OLD - if one is not feeling the other - best to let it go and not string each other on.

I've currently got one 'ok' guy on Tinder messaging me, telling me all about his plans for a flat purchase, i'm not that invested mate!

clevercatty thanks, he is really sweet but I'm not really feeling it and he obviously is. Time to text him I think

@jamaisjedors

clevercatty thanks, he is really sweet but I'm not really feeling it and he obviously is. Time to text him I think

jamais - it's a bit like the ick isn't it but no as strong.

A few years ago after I was divorced I was delving into internet dating and had two dates, one either by via the internet or met in person and one via a dating event (French table football!) with two very nice men - great on paper and quite nice to meet in person. However, one, after I spent the day with him just didn't seem to fit well - there was a bit of talk of an ex of his - but anyway I just wasn't feeling it but he was, he kept on at me wanting a second date.

The second man I saw him for two dates - one at a comedy night at a pub and once out - really nice man but he worked Saturdays and wasn't planning on giving that up anytime soon - I don't work Saturdays and prefer to spend weekends with partners if it proceeds that far. He was nice but also quite almost 'too nice'.

I'm totally leaving the other Tinder one I was chatting to via Whatsapp - he seemed really nice and we were talking about clubbing days as we know a bit about that but then the next night we were talking and suddenly he goes all gloom and doom on extinction etc - he also seems to have a lot of baggage - not necessarily via divorce but family stuff and quite complex. Not sure I want to hear chapter and verse.

AngelofDeath - silly messages like you got should encourage people to leave - what does he think he'll get?!

StellaRockaFella - I agree with you - I think men are more fixed in a type than women are - and your profile could be amazing but if they're not feeling it then zoom outta the door! I think with lots of men in their 40's I've known who are single either by choice (rare) or not so much choice (separated etc) - they're either players or they're looking or not to settle down - I've known men who are looking for an uncomplicated women who doesn't want DC and has a house/flat and good job etc - but they also want someone to be a good step-mum to their DC - all that doesn't help or didn't help me when I was younger.

In fact a good friend of mine was dating several men in their 30's and older for ages who had DC - she has none - she was finding it was just a waiting game - she got on well with the men 'and' their DC but a lot of men with DC don't want more. She then met the man of her dreams - but he was 2 years younger than her and was either at school with her or the nearby school with her - so she'd seen him around - they had mutual friends anyway. She was working in London and bumped into him on the homeward bound train, they got chatting and started dating - I think he was 36/37 and she was 38/39/40 - anyway they eventually moved in together - lived in the same area quite near but not too near - and now at 43 she's just had her first DC and they're getting married soon. She says it was unusual to meet someone single, solvent, etc at his age who wanted to settle but also was mindful of what she wanted - sadly about 3 years ago she had lost a baby at almost 12 weeks.

Anyway I'm blethering on!