Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@personaljezus all sounds good to me. He sounds on the same page as you. I see my partner once a week now, felt the same as you about things being nerve wracking. I think you just need to enjoy things for what they are.

Thanks. We spoke for nearly two weeks before we met and have met once a week since with one overnight.
It feels simple and easy but I'm worried in case it's too good to be true . I suppose I'm afraid of falling in love again and getting rejected and heartbroken. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that.

I get quite a few messages, joined POF on Monday, had a date last night and a couple more planned for next week.

I mostly wait for someone to message me, but I have zero idea what I'm doing or what I want.

@StarlightSparkle happy to give you some feedback on your profile if you want some advice?

@personaljezus i think you can only really try and take things day by day rather than overanalyse. I have my kids all the time too, have an alcoholic ex who stresses me out loads, met someone about 2.5months ago and have also been seeing him weekly. He's also afraid of getting into anything big, like me, having been hurt before, but I guess we have both been a bit surprised at how nice and easy this has all been for us. I just try and think it's early days and we are both finding out about each other. There are no guarantees I think, you just have to be aware of red flags but also enjoy these early lovely times.

Thank you so much @Eesha . I'm prone to overthinking. Can I ask if you avoid discussing your ex with him or do you find him supportive . I don't want to talk about how difficult my ex can be but it does stress me and I do like to vent .

@personaljezus i have mentioned my ex to him in passing and made the mistake of crying at one point when my ex was harassing me. Bf was really lovely but a week later, brought it up as a concern, that he felt I was being too accommodating to my ex and that things should go down the legal route etc, and that the whole situation was giving him reservations about us long term. I'm also prone to venting and overthinking but I also don't want to be judged on my situation with my ex if you know what I mean. I'm so much more than that but I understand why these complexities might be too much for a new partner. I left an abusive relationship for the better, so it hurts that its offputting for many.

@Angelofdeath

CleverCatty Yes those are the sorts of dates I'm looking for. I think some men hear 'A walk' & think 'Well that's what old people do isn't it?!' maybe I'm just old before my time but I love a wander, & on both of my dates we had a walk around & it was a good time to have a chat.

The worst one was the one when I said 'I'm not gonna do something that makes me uncomfortable just for a first date' & he replied basically that everybody he knows thinks it's all a load of crap, nobody he knows has ever followed it, & people who do follow it are idiots. Oh, & if people won't meet for a date in a bar then he's not interested.

This was back in April mind you.

I simply replied 'Thats fine. Good luck on here'.
He THEN tried to say 'Just because we don't agree on this doesn't mean we won't be compatible'

Which got ignored, so he THEN announced 'I don't need good luck on here anyway as I'm good looking.' That got him blocked

AngelofDeath - honestly with this pandemic - especially in April do they really think we want to rush out and infect ourselves in the pursuit of romance?!

The 'good looking' comment would have definitely got him blocked, what an idiot!

jamaisjedors - I'd say go for it regardless, why not? Does it matter if you're from different backgrounds and a kiss is a kiss?

I've been on OKC which has been rubbish really so decided to go back on the Tinder.

After a few swipes have now narrowed it down to 4 people who are messaging or initial messaging. One of them already wants to swap phone numbers. I'll settle with having socially distanced dates with any of them which take my fancy and they all seem normal and better than some of the idiots (with a million questions and answers) on OKC. There was a nice guy I was temped by on OKC but he kept on wanting to meet last minute, had nice pictures but also seemed to be up for anything as well as long term which always puts me off, and he's other side of London too. He was nice but seemed to be maybe slightly 'niche' in what he did etc - I'm not in the mood for something who thinks they're an expert on anything, oh and 9-10 years younger too, he also looked very 'nice' in photos and was also sadly 5ft6 - one of the Tinders is 5ft7 but I seem to get on a bit better with him.

Angel - I agree - fresh set of faces for you!

@hotchocolatey

I have a headline on my dating profile which says what I am looking for. I also state this in on my profile page. I get messages from men who don't take any notice. It can be discouraging.

It's like saying you want someone local and getting messages from men in Timbuktu

hotchocolatey - I think men tend to ignore headlines, and what you're looking for unless they are really 'noticeable' - I don't know if our token man here HairyArsedMan can shed any light on this.

I think lots of men look at pictures and think oh she looks nice I'll chance my arm LOL

I agree about the headlines.

I added a sentence at the end of my profile saying I only wanted to meet people in my local town as I don't have much free time.

I've been contacted by people from all over, but also from the nearest big towns which are over an hour away.

I can barely find an hour free to meet up occasionnally, there's no way I'm driving somewhere else right now! Plus my DC do not see their dad overnight so even EOW I'm only free in the daytime and have to be home for 9pm on a Saturday and 6pm on a Sunday...

Thanks Wandering, but I don’t think it’s my profile that’s the issue as I get loads of likes. The fact I swipe left to 99% men probably doesn’t help! Maybe I’m just in a very unattractive area but most of the men are awful. I feel mean judging people on looks but that’s what OLD is about.

I’m chatting to a few people but I’m not sure I’d be bothered to meet any of them in real life. Feel like I need to try a new app!

I'm a profile reader @CleverCatty. I'm choosy and don't carpet bomb with messages/swipes. Also swipe left on the vast majority of profiles which is as it should be, otherwise I'd have trouble walking round the supermarket! The apps make it all about the pictures by presenting them first so it's usually a case of finding someone attractive, then reading their profile, and then either swiping or messaging based on whether the profile makes sense and seems to fit. Immediate turn offs on the profile text are 'knight in shining armour','looking for a man to be a man','want someone who makes me laugh','partner in crime' and other cliches.

Glad your second date went well, jamais! He sounds like a nice guy and a snog too! Are you going to meet him again?

Agree with you Angel about no new faces. Completed OKC the other day and the men on Bumble are, to quote the other dating thread, ‘dire.’

I started chatting to a new guy a couple of days ago but he doesn’t ask any questions - infuriating! Thinking of blocking him as he’s making zero effort.

Genuine question to those who have had relationships that became physical - did you go to your house or theirs? I would be nervous to go to the house of a total random stranger - how do I know he’s not an axe murderer?!

All my previous relationships were with people I already knew through work, friends, etc so I didn't worry about stuff like that but if you have no mutual contacts with someone, how can you know what they are really like? Just something I’m a bit anxious of, not that I have gotten anywhere close to getting physical with anyone!

@StarlightSparkle thanks, yes, meeting him tomorrow for a drink.

Genuine question to those who have had relationships that became physical - did you go to your house or theirs? I would be nervous to go to the house of a total random stranger - how do I know he’s not an axe murderer?!

I can totally relate to this!

I kissed mr nice guy on a park bench but I'm not going to jump on him in a bar.

I would like to go to his for a cup of tea or something just to kiss a bit more (rather than in the street) or invite him to mine, but as you say, I have no context or mutual friends. And I don't want to suggest sdx is in the cards right away. And the weather is just about to get rainy!!!

In fact mr nice guy told me he had been looking out for a female friend who is also online dating. He sat in a next door bar and kept an eye out for her if she needed it (at her request). He said she was nervous as one guy she had met had tried to strangle her (I assume during sex but he didn't go into detail!).

And another had gone back with a guy and his friend turned out to be there too... but she managed to leave.

This was in response to me saying that women had to be pretty careful online dating and asking for his surname (which he gave me).

Oh now I need some advice.

Another guy who I had been messaging and "clicked with" - sense of humour, quick, interested in my job (which is important to me) has just messaged me with his number to chat offline.

He was the one making me unsure about mr nice guy because we seem to have more in common.

But now I've kissed me nice guy I'm not sure I should be chatting to someone else, let alone meeting up, it feels disloyal (and a bit weird).

But is it stupid to reject someone who seems to have good potential for something so new? Argh!!!!

@Angelofdeath i do feel horrible about meeting someone else to be honest.

Mr nice guy told me on our first date he had taken his profile pictures down on the dating website (which I had seen), because that's what he did once he'd started chatting to someone.

But he also knew I was starting g out on meetic and kind of said I'd have to try it out and make my mind up that way about whether it was for me or not.

It's only 2 dates but he texts every day and we have had either a phone call or text chat back and forth most days and I always get a good morning text from him.

I think he really is a really decent guy but I'm not sure we have very much in common- no common hobbies or even TV series I dont think.

But I am definitely attracted to him and feel safe with him and so I feel he is a great way to start dating again (and getting back in the saddle ).

I guess this is the problem with online dating, irl there is no way i would have 2 potential dates lined up!!!

As someone on the other dark g thread said, it's like "a toddler in a sweetshop".

How do you get over the feeling that someone else might be MORE perfect for you - total FOMO!!!

Otoh on the dating thread people seem to keep several "irons" on the go because of the flaky nature of a lot of people who just ghost you or change their minds.

I'm in the camp with Mr Nice Guy. If you know what you like and appreciate in the woman you're dating then it's worth seeing whether there is the potential for growth into a relationship. If that doesn't work out or they turn out to be not the person you thought they were then you can re-start the search. That's my plan B - restart the search. I feel I waste less people's time this way, though of course it's at the expense of my own.... I carry the thought that there are always going to be eligible women but by dating selectively and purposely the woman I'm dating is one of those that I don't want to miss out on.

Glad you had a good 2nd date Jamais and a kiss- how exciting!Can't help with your dilemma but completely understand why you feel awkward about it. Once I start messaging with someone that seems promising I rarely instigate contact with anyone else and prefer to see how that one goes first. I know this isn't the done thing but I too would be in a muddle in your position and for me one at a time is easier. If the messaging doesn't seem to be going anywhere I'll look for others but if it looks like its leading up to a date I won't.

Re getting intimate with someone for the first time, I only have my experience last year to go on. We kissed on our third date on a park bench (we had been for brunch and then a walk). Before the 4th date I had decided I wanted him to come home with me after! And he did. I felt safe and comfortable with him but wanted to be in my house as I just felt safer than going back to his. The next few times he stayed over he came to me and then after that I had no issue going to his. There's no right or wrong, you just have to make sure you do what's right for you and keep yourself as safe as possible.

Seems if you refresh your photos on Tinder you suddenly get alot of matches

@jamaisjedors if you are really drawn to the new guy, then see how it goes there. I rarely found any one I click with and actually when I did, I tended to focus on them to see how things worked out. I didn't like multi dating and made it pretty clear it's not what I wanted to do post things getting closer.

Ahh really great advice, thanks everyone!

I have woken up in a bit of a dilemma so it's really nice to hear the different points of view.

I think it comes down to timing.

I was messaging with the first guy first but we hadn't met and so I was also messaging a couple of other people including guy 2.

Our timing was off though, we had a couple of long online conversations and then needed to get back to work or go to bed.

If guy 2 had been online slightly earlier in the week and given me his number around the time of my first date with guy 1, I probably would have met up with him.

But now I've kind of invested in mr nice guy and it feels weird to chat to someone else "behind his back". But I guess mr nice guy could be chatting to multiple people too (although it doesn't feel like it as I don't know where he'd find the time!).

I think I will message him back and have a quick video chat and probably explain that I have just started seeing someone and that the timing is off.

Or I guess just text/call and explain and then leave it at that.

I originally was not looking for a new relationship (I have a never ending divorce still ongoing) and don't have a lot of spare time, so juggling 2 "irons" is probably not the best idea for me right now.