Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

I think most of them just want an ego boost and are players really. And just block for whatever reason even if they met someone else they could say sorry I have met someone rather than just block .
Makes me wonder why I bother too @Angelofdeath 😂😂

I had someone who I had looked at their profile once and liked it. He then blocked me 🤣

I had another who I had a brief conversation with, nothing untoward but he then blocked me. He has since unblocked me and messaged me asking if I was alright, weird.

I have blocked 2 men on Match as they look at my profile and like it nearly every day which I'm
Not comfortable with.

@Angelofdeath

CleverCatty My latest chat has a single photo of a man in a vest, rolled up showing his tummy, with his finger in his bellybutton, mouth hanging open, hair a mess. He questioned me about the photo, I said 'Honestly, I thought it was a still from a movie or something, as I didn't think any man would expect a woman to find that attractive'. He said 'No, it's me, I just thought it was funny'. Hilarious.

2nd one, no photo. I said 'I don't like talking to people without a photo sorry, but good luck on here' & I got back 'Well you are far too overweight & ugly for me anyway. See, 2 people can be nasty'.

I'm starting to wonder why I bother.

AngelofDeath - charming eh?! As if he thought the Rab C Nesbit look would help him pull.

This particular man with no photo it then says he wants his relationships to last for one night so I've unmatched with him.

Mysoganidra32 - I'm not sure if a lot are after an ego boost or are players because some men on there really do seem to 'want a relationship' of course some are players too and game players.

Why do we bother??!!

AngelofDeath - yes but that was only after looking at his questions - I suppose with some of them you can sort of tell from the start, subtle clues.

This reminds me though - I've got a friend of a friend (my brother's friend) whom I saw on OLD ages ago and I didn't date him as not my type etc but we saw each other out and about. He's finally got a really nice girlfriend whom he 's been seeing since January after a few years of looking, I even saw him on the way home from a date once on the train and we chatted. We had a drink in the pub a few months ago and he said it's just as hard for men as it is for women, you're never sure what to put, how they're judging you etc, he's 44 now (looks younger) and he says a few women have asked him why he hasn't been married, had kids etc. He says he's had the same with ghosting and blocking and he said he's also done the same but tried not to do that as he doesn't feel that's 'right', he says when everyone else is doing it, you do it too. He did say to me that when someone is being honest you can tell and I had an issue last year with someone I was seeing where you could see he was online but he wasn't actually online or messaging someone - turned out to be a blip in the app and he even proved it to me with emails from the app.

He also said (because I asked) that if you're out with women friends in a bar and you as a man are out with men friends, either there's banter and you 'chat' and flirt but said that a lot of the time if you want to speak properly to someone first there's the alcohol barrier to get through (having enough to feel confident to chat) and then actually chatting to someone one on one with your mates there, he said it's a lot different from when you're younger and you spoke to anyone. He also said groups of e.g. 4 women to say 2 men put the men off as they were more likely to ridicule you maybe! He did say if it was a more social place or e.g. a birthday meal then that could work.

Funnily enough at end of September I'm off out for a friend's birthday meal where there will be a big group of people I know (and don't know) out.

I used to do online dating but won't in these covid times! It's unsafe

@LesLavandes

I used to do online dating but won't in these covid times! It's unsafe

Well the scientists and The government don’t agree! You’re allowed to meet one other person!

I have a headline on my dating profile which says what I am looking for. I also state this in on my profile page. I get messages from men who don't take any notice. It can be discouraging.

It's like saying you want someone local and getting messages from men in Timbuktu

I think the ones who block for no reason are already in relationships and dont want your message notifications popping up on their phone and risking the partner seeing them.

@Angelofdeath at your ex, what a tw*t !

I wanted to set up some dates this weekend but the weather forecast is bad, I've just realised, like you, that COVID dating this winter could be tough.

I'm meeting my "mr nice guy" tonight for an hour in a park before my yoga class, going to see if the attraction has grown or not from all the texting. If it hasn't, I should probably tell him sooner rather than later, which is why I've set this up kind of last minute.

The 2 dates I've been on recently have both been outside but to be honest I'd be happy meeting someone inside for a coffee or a drink big would just sit across the table from them anyway.

I had 2 decent messages from guys I matched with on match last night. You know when you can tell they seem normal! Only time will tell if that continues 🤣

@PamDemic

I've just re-started online dating after a 2 year relationship. wasn't going to, but a bit bored!

Anyway apart from the same faces as 2 years ago turning up, the first face I saw on Hinge was my ex before last! It gave me a massive shock, not least because I thought he'd moved to another country. How would he show up on my feed if he was abroad? I nearly deleted the app.

Trying to be choosy this time, as I simply cba to go on lots of dates. (This would be my third relationship in my 40s - the first time was said ex(tinder), the second a random connection through facebook, and now. I'm not quite sure what to expect in covid times.

PamDemic - I rejoined Tinder for the first time in ages a few weeks ago and guess whose pic showed up in the first few ones, the sort of psycho ex-DH of a close neighbour/friend of mine! Her ex-DH though good-looking and a catch to the right woman I know to be a bit weird so of course I swiped left!

I haven't told her yet that I saw him on Tinder but she's been in a new relationship and got engaged last summer and was due to be married this summer. Just shows you who you see on these sites though!

@Angelofdeath

PamDemic I filled in my profile for eHarmony, then didn't complete it because I thought it was free.. my ex then informed me that he'd been 'matched' with me on their (& used to to be nasty to me even tho I didn't complete the profile)

The only difference I've noticed in Covid times compared to before March, is I say to men 'Lets meet outside & go for a walk & a drink outside, as I'm still being cautious'... & They answer that with 'What are you being cautious for?/ It's all a conspiracy/it's all over/nobody else cares' etc.
I've yet to find one who says 'I agree & I feel the same'

AngelofDeath - I'd bin off anyone who says 'what are you being cautious for/it's a conspiracy theory etc'.

The one man I had 3 proper dates (my max to see if spark, i like them etc) with - who strangely enough I knew (long story) since childhood but probably only met once, he had relatives who were shielding who he saw so he was very up on masks, hand sanitiser etc, we met for a walk in the park first time and after having ice cream went to a pub nearby which I'd heard was very good re checking people in, social distancing etc - it was great, this was on a weekend afternoon/early evening. The next time we did the same walk at same time/day but went for a coffee (outside) and to another pub which had great social distancing and the third time was on a weeknight but at another local pub which I'd heard was good and we had food, this one was even better because they used an app for you to order food/drink.

However all times he wore a mask unless we talked, used hand sanitiser and inbetween he'd had to get a Covid 19 test for work or something and showed me and it was negative. On both dates apart from the second one we sat outside cafes or in pub gardens and always socially distanced. I had checked with one pub with a friend (whose DM is shielding) what their social distancing was like etc and she'd been there and the first pub I'd walked past and into briefly to check it out generally.

Hello. Can I please join?
I have been chatting to and dating a man for the last month.
It's going really well. Five dates in. We've slept together during the last date , it was lovely but awkward and nerve wracking as it was my
First sexual experience with a man other than my exh in twenty years and he knew this too..
We just click and get on really well. It is easy but I wonder if it's too
Good to be true ?? We chat every evening for an hour or two and text sporadically throughout the day.
It is my first dip into the dating water after a long marriage where I was cheated upon.
I'm scared of getting hurt again so while I am not guarded , I am convincing myself to think of it as a day by day thing. I could never go through that pain again. We've seen each other once a week for walks: drives/ dinners and one stay over .
Is it too intense on your experience?
My children are with me all the time
Except for eow and a couple of
Evenings a week. He sees his child eow. Out weekends free match up.
The exchanges are mutual and equal. But I am scared of getting hurt or let down again .
Is this normal in your experience ? Thanks for reading .

@personaljezus all sounds good to me (but I have zero experience )

I can totally relate. Just starting with online dating.

I met up with Mr nice guy this afternoon (had a first date with good chat but zero chemistry). Met him in a park and took the plunge and kissed him, and it was pretty nice. I was tempted to miss my yoga class for him but resisted (and he is so nice he was keeping an eye on the time for me .

Couldn't concentrate during yoga after that.

He is super nice and respectful and I feel really safe with him. I'm not sure the relationship will cut it long term as we come from very different backgrounds... but my mantra at yoga this year is "I deservd joy" so I'm just going to go with it.

Thanks angel. Feeling quite pleased with myself now that I took the initiative to meet up with him to check!

Ahh angel sounds like you need a fresh set of faces.