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Original poster

Online dating in your 40s

966 replies

StarlightSparkle · 13/08/2020 22:45

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

OP posts:
Angelofdeath · 15/09/2020 09:43

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jamaisjedors · 15/09/2020 09:47

Grin probably right @Angelofdeath ! Luckily the conversation stayed clean, for the moment I haven't had any hassle or dirty talk.

Original poster
StarlightSparkle · 15/09/2020 17:10

jamais that’s exciting that you have a date tonight! Fingers crossed for you.

I understand about the celibacy as it’s been that long for me too. I have been propositioned a couple of times and thought ‘should I?’ but I just couldn’t face it with a total stranger!

Sadly, I have nothing exciting to report. Chatting to a few people but the one I like best is another one-message-a-day guy, which I find so tedious... Just matched with a new one earlier though so will see if he replies to my initial message!

OP posts:
Angelofdeath · 15/09/2020 19:18

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jamaisjedors · 15/09/2020 20:45

Hmm one message a day is a bit breadcrumbing... Hmm

Had my date, I was quite nervous at the start but he was really easy to chat to and it was fine.

Now I don't know what to do.

A friend told me I would "know" if there was a spark but I am out of a 25 year relationship and not used to flirting or feeling anything for other guys (never looked at another guy when with my husband).

He seemed like a really nice guy, lots of friends, actually had full custody of his son for a few years and now has him 50/50, wasn't pushy at all, talked about looking out for a female friend when she was on dates... has a good job etc.

But I didn't feel any urge to touch him at all.

We did the French "bise" thing at the start and end and he smelled nice, has really striking eyes... but I don't know. Confused

I have a habit of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men (like exh) so I'm not sure I can trust my instincts or "chemistry" here.

He has texted to say he had a nice time with me and would be happy to see me again if I want to. Confused so lost.... arghhhh!

Angelofdeath · 15/09/2020 21:21

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jamaisjedors · 15/09/2020 22:10

@Angelofdeath well at least you knew when you woke up!!!

I had a think and am still not sure.

I felt really safe with him and when I got back I was kind of looking forward to a text from him as he has been really nice texting every day and remembering what is going on for me etc.

I have said I had a nice time too but that I'm new to all of this (we talked about that) and would it be ok to meet up again to see if things progress or not?

I think I will give it a try and perhaps even just kiss him and see how I feel then. At least I'll know for the future if all I need is s bit of time or if I do trust the "spark".

Irl (if I remember correctly!) you often have a bit of time to build up to that spark - or perhaps that just me!

To be honest, most of the men I slept with before exh started when I was drink (or in another altered state!).

Then exh and I were in a big group of friends and he was definitely only a friend for quite a while.

Gah on the other hand I would love to find someone irresistible.

But I promised myself I would look for KIND this time!!!

Msyoganidra32 · 15/09/2020 22:11

@CleverCatty and @Ilovegreentomatoes re Match have been for a while and not paid , so a few messages came up and an offer for 4.99 so I decided t give it a whirl.replied to the messages then nothing back. One guy messaged me so I replied saying that I paid 4.99 and wondered if it was worth it in a joking way he instantly blocked me. Just wondered if people thought that I d said something wrong. There s so many weirdo s you just never know.

HairyArsedMan · 15/09/2020 22:22

For what it's worth on the spark thing, it's just one of three things that help things along, and actually the easiest to find. I know it's often referred to as the 'elusive' spark but it's really not. All the players know how to create it - how else are they so successful ? My strategy (if you can call it that) is to play down sparkiness and always have two dates (date willing of course!) to get the first date nerves out of the way. I want to understand if the harder stuff like personalities being compatible and values being aligned can come out of it. I'm probably a shit date because of that but I've done too many dates now where the attraction has given too much false hope that something will be sustainable. Not saying to ignore attraction but to really recognise that it's the easiest part to well, recognise!

jamaisjedors · 15/09/2020 22:36

@HairyArsedMan interesting perspective on the spark thing.

To be continued... Grin

I think personality wise things could be good. Interests-wise, not so sure but we had plenty to talk about.

Will keep you posted if anyone is interested.

I think maybe I need to meet up with someone else, often seeing a second choice can help confirm what you really think.

@Msyoganidra32 it's so hard to get the tone right online isn't it? Or put it down as a near miss, one more crossed of the list so less of your time wasted.

VivaVegas · 15/09/2020 23:14

Jamais from what you've said if it were me I would see him again and then see how you feel, I think you'll have a better idea after a second date.

I had two 2nd dates last year, the first confirmed that there definitely wasn't any attraction for me, as at one point in conversation he touched my arm and I felt repulsed!
And on the second date with the other, I just wanted to snog his face off by the end of it! I didn't as I had only kissed my EH for the last 25 years and didn't know what to do, and when we talked about it later he was the same having come out of a 30 year relationship. We did kiss on our 3rd date, there was no way it wasn't going to happen then!

That's what I want to happen again, it was so nice to feel attracted to someone and the other way round.

This time, it's like pulling teeth even getting to the date stage 🤣

Angelofdeath · 16/09/2020 02:08

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jamaisjedors · 16/09/2020 07:29

Well I have said yes to a second date and he has texted this morning to say (as he has for the last few days).

I'm going to try to meet up with a couple more people over the weekend to see what's going on with me and compare !

Viva, sounds like I need to find an excuse to touch him and try out whether it's an "ick" or a "kiss" situation !!! Grin

Msyoganidra32 · 16/09/2020 07:42

@Angelofdeath i get that but at least he could have said something in reply rather than just block . I don’t know how people seem to progress to dates and meet anyone decent . I am struggling to even get messages and I m not sure if it s a culture that I want to be part of to be honest .

jamaisjedors · 16/09/2020 07:43

@Msyoganidra32 yes the whole "block" thing is weird, why not just check ? But again, if he's that (over) sensitive, sounds like you have dodged a bullet !

Afibtomyboy · 16/09/2020 07:43

@jamaisjedors

Well I have said yes to a second date and he has texted this morning to say (as he has for the last few days).

I'm going to try to meet up with a couple more people over the weekend to see what's going on with me and compare !

Viva, sounds like I need to find an excuse to touch him and try out whether it's an "ick" or a "kiss" situation !!! Grin

I would totally shut that down personally.

He’s saying... I like you but I have my reservations and weekends are too precious to waste.

But I’m brutal (robs my why I’m enjoying it!)

jamaisjedors · 16/09/2020 07:50

@Afibtomyboy

Sorry I don't think I was clear.

HE texted to say hi and have a good day.

I think I need to see a few other people to clarify what I want and what I'm looking for.

But what I'm worried is that it's not fair to him, because I am thinking "I like you but I have my reservations and weekends are too precious to waste.

jamaisjedors · 16/09/2020 07:52

And he has taken down his profile photos online (but left up his profile) which he says he does once he's starting exchanging numbers with someone and chatting to them regularly.

Msyoganidra32 · 16/09/2020 07:53

@jamaisjedors yes it s just a sweet shop culture of treating people badly I have been ghosted and blocked many times it’s the cowards way out I think and not my own personal values and I would not treat . someone like that.
Re your iron no harm in dating others at this early stage it sometimes helps

Angelofdeath · 16/09/2020 09:20

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CleverCatty · 16/09/2020 11:42

Angelofdeath - I was told that once you hit your 40's as a woman that your net etc to catch men gets much smaller. Probably true!

I've now got two messages from one man who hasn't shown his face but asks how I am and says I'm rather yummy and this other man who seems nice but he's very short for me (5ft6 compared to my 5ft5) and another guy who seems nice but unsure he's my type.

I don't understand the whole blocking thing when things seem to have gone swimmingly for what a week or two with lots of chat and then you get blocked out of the blue? what's that about?

Afibtomyboy · 16/09/2020 12:15

If they block you, could that not be because they’ve met someone and it’s serious and they’ve decided to go “exclusive”?

jamaisjedors · 16/09/2020 12:17

I'm wondering that too. Just got blocked by a guy I had been chatting to who I had considered meeting up with.

Chatted for a while over this week.

I asked him what he was up to, he replied, why, do you want to meet up, so I said "maybe Wink)

And now he's blocked me Hmm

Afibtomyboy · 16/09/2020 12:19

Very odd!

Angelofdeath · 16/09/2020 12:25

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