Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Paid for match but its dire you get better men on the free sites.Sadly I've signed for 6 months so can't cancel yet but lesson learned. I'm 41.

greentomatoes which free sites are you on? I need to try a different one.

Hairy I know you are on the other dating thread, which I was on for a bit but people on there seem to go on lots of dates whereas those of us on here are bit getting to that stage very often! As a sporty man of a similar age are you looking for the same or not? I sometimes wonder if my profile looks like I have enough going on as it is but then I think it's important to be honest in a profile.

I should add my profile also has normal pictures, and not just sport related ones.
And my profile says that I also like eating out etc so hopefully I don't look like it's all I'm interested in 🤔

@VivaVegas I'm certainly not going on loads of dates ! In fact I am shortly calling a halt to my online dating when my Match subscription runs out in three weeks.

I've done a similar thing with my profile - tried to be honest about my activity levels and at the same time de-emphasise the fitness stuff after Dating thread reviewers thought it would make someone less fit feel intimidated or that I didn't have time for them. I am attracted to similar but it's not the be all and end all. I'd like to share quality time with someone doing outdoorsy stuff but I'm not concerned at all whether they train or are competitive.

I would see being sporty, fit and healthy as a good thing as long as it’s not too obsessive.

Good idea, Angel, to weed out the cycling fanatics. My ex was also a very keen cyclist, to the extent that it felt like there were 3 of us in the marriage - me, him and the bloody bike! I do shudder a bit if I see a profile pic of someone in Lycra posing with a bike.

Now I don't mind a picture of a fit guy on a bike!

News highs of effort making I see!!!

@echodot

I popped back to MySingleFriend after a hiatus of 4 years. I kid you not, the same few blokes we're on there. Jesus F Christ

Doesn't surprise me in the least. What I learned from being on OLD on a few sites on and off is that apparently sites sell your details without you knowing or signing up to other dating sites... so that's why sometimes Jeff the lookalike David Beckham plumber from Milton Keynes (ha!) is on several sites but maybe at different times - you might be too.

I signed up for but never had much success with My Single Friend and POF - POF I found there were some really dodgy sort of men (in my opinion anyway), horses for courses really.

I

@Ilovegreentomatoes

Paid for match but its dire you get better men on the free sites.Sadly I've signed for 6 months so can't cancel yet but lesson learned. I'm 41.

Ilovegreentomatoes - don't necessarily think you can't cancel with Match - I think I cancelled before the time was up, can't quite recall how - in my case I think it was because they auto renewed my subscription without telling me (a clever ruse of theirs) but I'm sure a friend of mine got her Match subscription cancelled maybe because she said what I said in my first post of today, I think she had seen other men's profiles on other sites similar to match she thought they had been 'sold' to them and she said to Match "what's the point in my paying for 6 months when I don't know if you've sold their details to other sites?" - of course they at first tried to say "ah well that's Match Affinity so affiliated to Match" but when she said "Ah but they're also on LoveStruck etc, the same profile and they mentioned to me they haven't signed up to it" then they backtracked pretty quickly, made up some excuse and refunded her subscription - a very nice European maybe Scandi or Dutch sounding man/name from what she told me - she was almost tempted she said jokingly to ask if he was single!

[quote HairyArsedMan]**@VivaVegas* cough* We should start our own online dating in your sporty 50s thread

If I came across someone that followed the play hard to get rules given above, I'd steer well clear. It's not that different to someone behaving as though they don't like you, and that's how I'd read it. @Decentsalnotime's approach would work for me. Open and honest and both sides putting in an effort feels like the way to go.[/quote]
HairyArsedMan and netsybetsy - some of those rules are ok but some of them look like they're harking back to the 80's or even 50's - if you put PrettyBlonde81 or whatever - how ditzy is that? I'd personally run a mile if I saw a SilverFox79 profile name... regardless of how handsome he was...

Agree with HAM - I would run a mile too re those rules - one or two you might tweak to suit you but I'm too old, ugly (nah only joking re both of those!) but honestly I'm not into game playing and a man or woman (not that I'm after a woman) who was into those games would turn me right off. Open, honest on both sides and making an effort in all spheres - OLD and in real life too is my mantra.

After being 'out out' this weekend in various forms and places and attracting the odd glance and even comment tossed my way I'm now feeling a bit jaded by it all, I'd like to meet someone but it takes so much effort. Doesn't help that some days I feel every year of my now 49 years scream LOL.

Morning all. Checking in. Nothing at all to report so I haven't been posting.

Viva and Hairy someone sporty and into fitness and the outdoors would definitely be attractive to me.

Cycling and golf are two that you have Uk find out how into it they are. Both fairly time consuming hobbies.

Nothing much to report as weekend with DS so took my focus to family time and a spot of decorating!

I had another Match on Match on Saturday night. Thought I'd wait to see if he messaged me but he's looked at my profile a few times but not messaged. I'll bite the bullet and message tonight. I have a match on Bumble overnight but conscious men seem to sift after matching or your message on there so not holding out much hope.
Had a message from a very local guy in Hinge this morning who runs (my main sporting hobby) said did I fancy meeting up fro a run or a coffee. I just don't find him attractive from his photos do not sure if I should just go incase in person it's different 🤔

All will be on hold until after work and DS is in bed.

@TossACoinToYerWitcher It's like trying to get a toddler's attention in a sweet shop I'd date you just on the basis of this humour : )

@VivaVegas

Nothing much to report as weekend with DS so took my focus to family time and a spot of decorating!

I had another Match on Match on Saturday night. Thought I'd wait to see if he messaged me but he's looked at my profile a few times but not messaged. I'll bite the bullet and message tonight. I have a match on Bumble overnight but conscious men seem to sift after matching or your message on there so not holding out much hope.
Had a message from a very local guy in Hinge this morning who runs (my main sporting hobby) said did I fancy meeting up fro a run or a coffee. I just don't find him attractive from his photos do not sure if I should just go incase in person it's different 🤔

All will be on hold until after work and DS is in bed.

Not attracted to his photos? Then no. He’s going to have posted his most attractive pictures.

I had a very similar weekend @VivaVegas. Big forest walk and blackberry picking with DS and decorating. No time to really do anything online except wipe my profile - an updated was rejected by the Match profile moderator which left it all blank. Didn't seem to make a difference to the interest level ! I'm thinking of moonlighting as a profile moderator given the number of them I've got through over the years

@Decentsalnotime I would freely admit I'm not sure about my photos. I mean, I know they're recognisably me, and recent. I just don't really get involved in selfies and come from a generation where posing for photos on a night out has never really been a thing. I managed to get some done at work for LinkedIn when I was full of cold and felt a bit ropey. I use one of those and have some running ones but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere in between on a day to day basis, and the photos don't actually flatter me.

@HairyArsedMan

I had a very similar weekend *@VivaVegas*. Big forest walk and blackberry picking with DS and decorating. No time to really do anything online except wipe my profile - an updated was rejected by the Match profile moderator which left it all blank. Didn't seem to make a difference to the interest level ! I'm thinking of moonlighting as a profile moderator given the number of them I've got through over the years

@Decentsalnotime I would freely admit I'm not sure about my photos. I mean, I know they're recognisably me, and recent. I just don't really get involved in selfies and come from a generation where posing for photos on a night out has never really been a thing. I managed to get some done at work for LinkedIn when I was full of cold and felt a bit ropey. I use one of those and have some running ones but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere in between on a day to day basis, and the photos don't actually flatter me.

HairyArsedMan - I'm so thankful I'm reading something from a man who doesn't get involved in selfies too - I hate them - hate all the faff around them etc. I've got a friend my age who's really into them but taking your photo from a height does mean that she looks chubbier in real life - she also does silly poses and pouts.

Most people our age I'd hope are normal in looks and and look the same in real life!

Viva - agreed with Decent - if not attracted to his photos honestly from past experience, don't bother meeting up unless lots of chemistry via messages and even then be wary.

One man I wasn't attracted to by his photos (old ones where he was much slimmer) I met (sex was great though and we dated for 6 months) was not great generally as I just didn't fancy him much as a whole and I think he picked up on this. He's married to a similar 'type' as him, e.g. pretty enough but I do take pride in my appearance and like fashion etc and expect the man I'm seeing to be the same. The man I dated last year for almost a year - again - I was not overly attracted (quite different type to me) but was attracted enough and we had good chemistry via messages and then texts. Don't think I would rush to date someone I wasn't attracted to, again, but maybe at our age beggars can't be choosers!

I'm not a fan of a selfie so had to get a bit creative with my photos!

I sit on the fence re photos, the guy I dated last year didn't have great photos but I really fancied him from the second date onwards (first date I felt like there was something there iykwim).

Of the 2 dates I've had recently one looked better in his photos than in person but there was no attraction at all and the other was probably nicer in person but again no attraction.

But then I think how would I know if I'm punching above my weight?? I hate how I look in photos so how can you tell what others think 🤔

Hello lovelies, just checking in. Had a fairly rough few weeks, house got burgled whilst dd and I were asleep upstairs. Car stolen, plus bank cards, cash, driving license. What a bloody nightmare. Anyway zero time/inclination to bother with OLD. Someone I was seeing at the beginning of the year messaged me randomly. He was absolutely lovely but I could tell earlier this year he wasn't in a happy place after a messy break up with his ex. Anyway, I'll fast forward to the good bit - he's been amazing, helped me sort locksmith, new security measures etc, painted a wall that needed doing, taken me food shopping because my bank account was temporarily frozen/inaccessible. We're on date 10 and we've booked a mini break 😂. Talk about didn't see that coming lol.

@MoominCake so sorry to hear of your troubles but glad there was a silver lining !

I have my very first "in-person" date tonight with a guy I "vetted" by video call and have been whatsapping with.

He seems "normal" compared to the "mansplaining" guy but I'll see in person and report back ! Kind of hoping for an attraction even if we are not perfectly matched as I'm feeling a little starved of physical contact after 18 months of celibacy .

@Angelofdeath I did get an offer of no-strings attached as well but the guy wanted to basically come over immediately which was a bit scary for me and not very safety-conscious !!!

Kind of want to "get back in the saddle" but need to feel safe too.