Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

I popped back to MySingleFriend after a hiatus of 4 years. I kid you not, the same few blokes we're on there. Jesus F Christ

Mid 40’s here and single at the moment, I wouldn’t do online dating, I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life if online dating was my only chance of meeting a man.

@echodot 4 years and still the same ones !!!

It's true that I logged on a couple of times last year to "see what was out there" and now that I am on there "seriously" I recognise a few faces !

Just had a promising text exchange with a guy but then he called me and was a bit patronising and mansplained a word I used to me.

I checked the word (I'm speaking a foreign language but have a pretty exceptional level of vocabulary - if I do say so myself!) and I WAS using it correctly.

So I've texted him the definition with a few to soften it - his reaction will be pretty telling I think.

@jamaisjedors - he does sound a bit patronising but you can't always get an accurate perception of someone on the phone.

I think some people forget to delete their profiles or maybe they are on and off dating websites. They should update their pictures though.

@Angelofdeath - thought the username might make you smile 😊

@James1234 you might be right, hard to tell on the phone but having been with someone who used to belittle me and talk down to me for years my radar is on full alert!!

I think it's because he also made another remark about me being in higher education that I'm being cautious - on his profile he has the same level of education as me but that may not be true.

@Angelofdeath at the abuse, at least you know to walk away from that conversation. I am kind of of the opinion (perhaps again coloured by having been in an abusive relationship) that its good to trust the boundaries a bit at the start, will save a lot of heartache later !!!

So have people got dates lined up for the weekend? I am with my kids and busy with friends so no, but have 2 coffee dates for next week.

www.cbsnews.com/news/the-rules-for-online-dating/

All rules are based on three premises: A man must initially feel a spark for a woman; the man must pursue the woman; and all men love a challenge.

Here are their "Rules For Online Dating;"
1 Don't answer men's ads or email them first. - Answering a man's ad is to pursue a man; it's no different from approaching a man at a party or a bar, calling him, and asking him out. He knows you like him and the party is over. If he does end up dating you, you'll never know if he's dating you because it's easy and convenient for him or because he's really crazy about you.
2 Create a good screen name. - Pick one that is not boring but not too sexy, not too ho-hum but not too marriage minded. Do not go to the other extreme either and attract a man who is just interested in sex. Strive for something in the middle. Be descriptive.
3 Good examples:
4 BlondBeauty50
5 PetiteBrunette34
6 Less is more when writing your ad. - When answering the questionaires an online Web site requires, give the impression that you just threw some answers down with a cute picture on your way to the gym or work. After all you are very busy. And, do not answer questions that you would not answer on a first date. Mistakes: Women who say they are looking for love or marriage or who are willing to relocate; women who post more than one ad on the same web site (desperate); women who post three or four photos in the same ad;eWomen who write long answers that have a Hallmark touch to them.
7 Post a smiling photo. - Men don't focus on what you write as long as they like your photo. Don't use anything too provocative.
8 For the women who don't want someone to know about their new hobby: get over it and put up your picture, it's really not a big deal.
9 Wait 24 hours to respond.
10 Don't answer on weekends or holidays
11 Write light and breezy Emails. - Do not respond to a man who sends his profile or photo only. If an email comes with no photo, respond "Would love to see a photo. Thanks." That's it; nothing else. If he refuses to send a picture, there is a reason. When he does send the picture, if you like it, answer with a: "Thanks!" no "Nice abs" or "Cute Pic". Don't tell him that you read his ad. Do not respond to anything that was in the ad, such as i.e. my brother is also an accountant.
12 Never Email a man a second time if he neglected to respond to your Email. If you get an angry Email that says he wants more than three lines in an email from you, press DELETE and refer to rule #13.
13 For the first three months, don't initiate an Email, only respond. if he sends you jokes and "did I tell you how cute you are?" notes, do not respond. Wait for third one and only then write back.
14 Block yourself from Instant Messages.
15 Don't volunteer your phone number first.
16 If he doesn't ask you out within four Emails, Delete/Next
17 Screen out Mr. Wrong
18 Don't waste your time on time-wasters
19 Don't force the relationship from Email to phone
20 Put safety first
21 Don't ad-interrogate on dates

HI, can I join please? Downloaded Hinge again. Must be getting better as had more interest from guys I may find interesting this time.

@Angelofdeath hope you are ok? That can of thing can shake you up even if it is "virtual".

@netsybetsy interesting rules.

I have seen various versions of those on different sites.

Not sure about not messaging on weekends or holidays, what's that about?

The profile advice is funny because that is pretty much what I did, I took 2 quick photos in my garden, followed in a few parts of the profile, and stuck it up there.

Probably because I am not that fussed and just testing the water so am not feeling under any pressure.

Agree with some of the rules but not all! Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.

With my DS this weekend so no dating but no potentials anyway after Wednesdays date and the other 2 possibles just disappearing mid conversation.

Seriously considering using another site for a bit, Tinder, POF or OKCupid I guess 🤔

Angel there are some real misogynists on these sites. At least it’s easy to block.

I have no dates lined up at the moment. Talking to a couple of guys who seem nice but my expectations based on previous experience are low!

How do you know when you’ve completed Bumble, Hinge, etc? Is it when you start seeing the same faces again?

Don’t agree with many of those rules. Game playing.

* 9Wait 24 hours to respond.*
10Don't answer on weekends or holidays
* 13For the first three months, don't initiate an Email, only respond.*

Ridiculous. I’ve had a really positive start on hinge. Intelligent, considerate and engaged me . Two dates. Second with one, genuinely really excited to see him again, absolute gent.

I’m just myself. No game playing. I respond when I can and give time and thought to my messages.

* 3Good examples:*
4BlondBeauty50
5PetiteBrunette34

I’ve just used my name on hinge and so have all men I’ve engaged with

Hinge - I like the fact I’m talking with a Simon, Dom etc
And sometimes even their surnames. Hence I knew that my date was a very successful barrister and committed fund raiser for a charity very close to my heart.

I use my first name. Not surname.

It makes messaging and interception prior to meeting so a great deal more authentic and “adult”

Hi @Decentsalnotime can I ask how Hinge works? I havent been able to message anyone or look at likes without paying. Do you have to both match before being able to message? I think the area where I live is a small pool and it only gives you so many a day? Just a bit confused with how it works

Ok so I live outskirts of London and, unsurprisingly, the pool is vast.

I don’t pay for anything.

To like to press the heart. If they like you, you match. Simple.

Keep your profile honest. Keep your messages honest.

I’m also - very very picky about who I like. I know this isn’t politically correct, but why would I start communicating with a builder, delivery man etc when I have only been with professional men? I’m 39, professional, very fit, good group of friends, single mother of two primary children. I lead a very full like. I don’t need a man, and I think that’s clear ie very high standards because if I’m going to spend time with someone it is because I genuinely want to because if I wasn’t seeing them, I would be seeing a friend, going for a run / gym, spending time with my children, working etc.

And I choose men that are the same. They don’t need a woman. They went a woman that will enhance their life.

Go on in with high standards.

If you don’t have much of a life already, I suggest you work on building that before you engage on dating apps, as I suspect that it makes people very vulnerable if they do.

I've been using Hinge but I live in a town miles from London and I'm 50 so the pool is much smaller. And yes on that and Bumble and Match it's now the same faces with just the odd new profile.

I too am a professional with a good job, home, secondary age DC. Lots of hobbies, friends and am very fit and active. Probably fitter than in my 20s.

The big difference is at 50 there are not a lot of men like that! I really want a male version of me! But just can't find it.

@VivaVegas cough We should start our own online dating in your sporty 50s thread

If I came across someone that followed the play hard to get rules given above, I'd steer well clear. It's not that different to someone behaving as though they don't like you, and that's how I'd read it. @Decentsalnotime's approach would work for me. Open and honest and both sides putting in an effort feels like the way to go.

I just searched the person you posted those Inane rules.

She’s married

Thanks for the useful advice @Decentsalnotime. I am similar to you and don’t need a man. I have had lots of bad luck on OLD being ghosted and blocked and it makes me even more weary. Not sure if I want to try again as it’s so hard to find anyone normal and decent I m in my 40 s also with DC living with me it’s hard .